Another Broken Heart

[Amy22]

I hae been a member here for awhile and there is a lot of good advice on this site. I was hoping someone could maybe make me see a side I am not seeing or help me in some way. I am 25 and my boyfriend is 22. We met in Ohio while we were in college. He graduated and moved back to Las Vegas in September. The plan was I was going to move with him. We have been together 3 years. He moved before me as I have a condo to sell and he was going to get settled. He was nervous before moving about me coming down as he thinks I will not like Las Vegas. He is afraid I won't like him when I see him with his friends and in the automosphere he grew up in. Now that it is getting time for me to move he wants me to wait. He is working off commision and not making any money and feels like he is making me give up things to move down there to a life that is completely different then what I have built for myself here. I say I don't care I love him and want to be with him and don't care if we have to live in a crap place.

 

There is no doubt in my mind he loves me. I see it in his actions and can feel his emotions and how upset he is that he is confused. He wants me to stay here and continue to date and see what happens. He is afraid to make such a huge commitment and have me move down there. He is so afraid I will hate it and he will have ruined my life. I have tried everything to reassure him. That I am an adult and make my own decisions, that he should not feel guilty if I do move out there and things don't work out. I have already informed my job I am moving and have been replaced. So if I decide to stay I have to find a new job.

 

I am torn on what to do. On one hand I love this man and see him in my future that I want to wait. On the other I don't deserve it and feel like I belong with someone that without a doubt wants me where they are.

 

A couple other facts I think are important are there are things he has kept from me and things that he has not been truthful about becuase he doesn't think they affect me or he has to tell me. I think when you are in a serious relationship you share things about your life and what is going on. I trust him that he won't cheat but I don't always trust what he says. He also has his family telling him what if things don't work out or what if she hates it.

 

He knows he has a problem with commitment and other things. He is starting counseling for them and I am proud of him for taking the step to make his life better whether I am a part of it or not.

 

What do you think. I know this guy really loves me. Do I wait? Do I move on? He is young and I understand how hard it must be to make a commitment. He treats me well and is a good guy.

 

I am sorry this got so long. I thank everyone who takes the time to read it and give me advice.

 

Amy

[Spinderella]

Have you tried just saying: I love you, and I am moving there, because I want to, but if you dont want me to, tell me now, so that I can make other plans for my life?

How will time help?

It wont make any difference if you wait, or not.

[Amy22]

Yes. He says he wants me to, just not right now. He thinks time will help him get his life in order. Right now he feels very stressed and depressed and he doesn't want to add more to it. He thinks once he gets his life in order the move will go smoother and we will be happier. I just don't know if I want to wait and see if that does happen. I feel like if I don't I am saying I don't love him enough to wait.

[ash519]

Hi Amy- Thank you for replying to my thread.

 

We are in similar situations. The lying, it's really tough. We are both 25, and I questioned whether or not I could spend my life with someone who I couldnt fully trust...not due to my own insecurities, but because of the lies that were told. It's too much. I told him all the time "All i have to go by is your word, what you tell me, and if i am going to spend my life with you i have to be able to believe it and trust it."

 

He didnt stop. It wasnt everyday, but 8-10 times in 2.5 years (that I know about). He told me that is how an insecure person thinks.

 

My advice to you and your situation: I would tell him You want to move out there with him, you love him etc. If he still says "no" then I would believe there is something deeper there.

 

I wish you the best of luck!

[Spinderella]

Perhaps you could tell him that you consider a relationship as a partnership in which you help each other through the hard times. Or sail the hard times together.

It just seems that if he is waiting for perfection, then it will never happen.

[Amy22]

ash519-I think that is what I am afraid of and what I think deep down inside but don't want to believe is that there is something deeper he won't tell me. I don't think him lying to you and then you second guessing what he says is insecurities that is he lost his trust by what he did not you.

 

Spinderella-Maybe I say things to him and it comes out wrong. I have said that to him to. That in a relationship you should lean on each other. That I want to help him through. That I want him to lean on me. That I could be closer to him to help him. I guess he feels that this is something he has to do himself. That he needs to feel the strength in himself that he can do it by himself. Usually when we have these conversations and I say things like that he cries really hard and it is hard to get a straight answer to what I have said.

 

Thank you for reply. Talking or typing about it does help. I think I am going to show him this site and this thread. I know he is reaching out to people to try and get advice to and maybe it would help him.

[ninjaturtles]

Hey....can i ask a quick question?

when you say he lies about certain things, do you mean things relating to feelings about you? or wat exactly?xxx

[ninjaturtles]

That question is for ASH as well.xxx

[Amy22]

He has kept his feelings from me that he felt would hurt me as he says he was hoping he could figure them out himself before it got to the point where he had to tell me because I could feel something was wrong. He has lied about things in regard to his personal life. One thing that is recent that happened was when he moved he had a myspace page. It had a picture of us on the front, said he was in a relationship and was public. Recently it changed to single status. Then the picture of us was replaced with a picture of him (not a big deal). When I mentioned the single status, his myspace page went to private and I have requested he add me as a friend. It has not happened. He states that he doesn't remember his password and never gets on. But you can see the last time the person was on. Someone is on his myspace page everyday or every other day. But he states it is not him. That I should not be bothered by this. With the lies that pertain to his personal life he feels I don't need to know. As they don't directly affect me. But I see or saw us in a serious long term relationship, and for me you share you whole life with that person. I hope that answered your question. If you want me to clarify anything else please let me know. Thanks for your help.

[ash519]

Hey Ninja- I actually accidently signed on with this sn...i made a new one. But my bf lied about things he did. Like he had lunch with his ex's sister and didnt tell me...emailed his ex a somewhat inappropriate/somewhat appropriate email and lied to me...went to a bar with a female friend and lied to me....most recently, we got in a big fight, he went out, he came home at almost 4am. He told me he was with 2 guy friends and his friends ex gf. He said him and the friends ex were only alone for 30 minutes. Well, come to find out his 2 guy friends were never there and him and his friends ex were actually alone from 1 am until like 3:45am. Those kind of lies!

[ninjaturtles]

Wow...i totally see where you are coming from, ash and amy! You know, its those tiny things, those dodgy tiny lies that make a difference and bring about feeling of distrust in certian ways/

 

Its weird cos similar stuff happened with my ex. hmmm, he sent messages to 2 girls he had history with, the messages were not totally inappropriate but had some inaapropriate contents in them. We had eachothers; passwords in the past and he changed it randomly one day..(password for facebook). He would not even give it to me for 5 mins and said there was nothing he was hiding...well i found he was hiding those messages.....i thot i was over reacting , but when i saw the messages( by chance), i realised that sometimes our gut feelings are right.

He started also being more conscious about what he put on his profile...he didnt want anything too incriminating on his profile..(these may seem irrelevant but as a woman when men and start hiding and lying about tiny issues like this, it makes us wonder what he is up to).

Anyway, this young man and i have split now..he was very good to me as well. I am getting better day by day now...i guess the fact that he was hiding things should have been a sign, but i felt i didint want to over react etc..nevertheless he broke up with me just a month ago.

 

Now amy, dont do anyhting irrational. In all honesty, he may not want you to come down because he wants to sort himself out 1st. Women can be so caring and accomodating when it comes to love..we dont mind doing anything for the one we love, but some men prefer to be settled and take thier time when making big commitment decisions.

Pls dont give him an ultimatum...such as...'I move today or never'...pls dont...ultimatums usually backfire.

I have to admit however, that if you have insisted that you dont mind living with him, no matter the conditions, and he keeps holding back, then there may be something he is hiding. I have heard so many stories of men with hidden secrets that anything is possible nowadays.

 

I know the my space incident etc, makes you wonder what he up to. It is a big deal, trust me, cos the fact is he is NOT single....and about the pic, its only normal to feel akward especaiily as he has not accepted your invite..he is probably the one using his myspace..whoelse could it be?

 

You need to talk to this man,if he is a good person to youm you need to treat the issue with cauiton. I have to admit that he may simply prefer to get himself on track without invoving you..men can be like that..maybe its an ego thing, maybe its not but men sometimes have indepenent minds. They dont see the need to involve thier women in certain difficulties, they feel they can face them themselves...neevrtheless, he should not keep you waiting indefinitely..i mean both of you should be wokring towards a date...he cannot wait for total perfection because that may never come..

 

pls bear in mind that you shouldnt put too much pressure on him, i know its hard and u keep wondering why he is behaving this way, you keep wondering what he may hiding and he doesnt make it beter by lying about these sort of things, exes etc. He should know how insecure women could get when it comes to exes etc.!

 

Anyway, pls hang in there...maybe you should give it a bit of time..so it does not seem as if you are pushing him into making this decision.... i guess you have to do what a good woman would so, which is be a bit patient....and try not to be too pessimitistic!.The way i see things is that you can only do your best, if you find out he was up to some dirt, then u wud know in your heart that you did what a good woman would.

So, be a bit patient, not too negative but bear in mind that all men are not to be trusted 100percent....trust me on that.

Then talk about this issue again and let him knowyour views, if he still behaves so adamnant about you not moving, then maybe he is hiding something.

 

You dont want to make an irrational decisions, so pls just give it some time, then talk to him about it and see watch the way he approaches the topic..in all honesty, there is a limit to what you can, cos you are willing to just walk out on him...its a confusin situation.....but maybe you should give him a bit of time.....and LET HIM KNOW u r waiting, u don even have a job!......better stil, talk to him about it and then give him time to decide....dont make an ultimatum as such but let him know that you are waiting for his answer cos something needs to be done!!

 

the way you speak to him is important..pls dont behave too pushy about it, tell him your views and leave the ball in his court...(with limited time of course).xxxxxxx

[ninjaturtles]

Sorry i meant you just dont want to walk out on him.

 

Amy and ash, everything will work itself out..somehow....hopefully it would be positive.xxxxxx

[Amy22]

Thanks for your reply ninjaturtles. I decided on Friday that we would just keep things the way they are dating long distance and after the first of the year we would re-evaluate and see if he was ready for me to move. That would give him sometime to get his life together and figure things out. Well he had told me and a friend of mine he was going to do something and he didn't. Anther lie. He makes me look like a foul tomy friend. I just can't do the rollercoaster anymore. The promises to try harder and the disappointment when they don't happen. How do you break up with someone who lives so far away? That is what I have to do, right? I never imagined the day I took him to the airport that that would be the last time I would see him, hug him or have dinner with him. That our relationship would end over the phone. I am a mess I don't want to do this. Why is it so hard to tell the truth and do what you say you are going to do? Any advice?