reelwoman Posted October 19, 2007 Posted October 19, 2007 OK, last spring my boyfriend of one year broke up with me and the reasons he gave were: 1) I had gained some weight and he wasn't attracted to me anymore, and 2) he felt that my having a dog was too inconvenient because I have to consider the dog in my decisions, restricting my ability to be totally spontaneous. Now, I had been on the fence about this guy myself for awhile--he's emotionally pretty clueless, incredibly insensitive ( see 1 and 2 above!), and never was able to give me the kind of intellectual stimulation or challenge I need. However, I loved him and was trying to make things work. We talked a couple of times after the breakup and he said he just hadn't been feeling as close to me and that he'd like to think that someday we might get back together but that for now it was over. So fine. He started seeing someone else and is still with her; I'm seeing someone else and he knows that. So now, it's 7 months later. I've lost the weight and then some, and I see him every week at a weekly event that I work at and he attends. He has never brought his girlfriend and told a mutual friend he's not going to but gave a lame reason ( he just likes to go alone). We go out in a group every week after the event and he has been flirting outrageously with me ( I"ve been flirting back) and paying a ton of attention to me, and sends me emails about things that there is really no need to email me about, clearly excuses to make contact. I'm very confused; so I've lost the weight, but we're still the same people we were when we broke up, so what is going on? Do people think he might actually be interested in dating me again or is he just flirting for fun? and why isn't he bringing his GF to these events? Help me decode, please! It's driving me crazy! I don't want him back but I am feeling very attracted to him and it's very confusing.
spookie Posted October 19, 2007 Posted October 19, 2007 Stop flirting back. Stop thinking about him and what his shadiness might mean in relation to you. Set some boundaries up with this guy, both in your interactions and in your head, because he sounds like a total @$$hole. He broke up with you because you HAD A DOG??? That's the most ridiculous reason I've ever heard. And the weight... well, if it was 200 pounds, maybe it'd be understandable, but I doubt that it was, and do you really want to be with someone so shallow? Say you get back together with him, and 10 years pass and suddenly you're old. Is he going to stop being attracted to you and dump you for a svelte woman 15 years younger? He's already shown you his true colors... count your blessings it was that early on and RUN. Don't set yourself up to be hurt again like that... it's just stupid.
Timberlane Posted October 19, 2007 Posted October 19, 2007 I agree, those are some fickle reasons to break up. A friend of mine once told me his ex listed one of the reasons she wanted to break up with him was because his beard was scratchy.
oppath Posted October 19, 2007 Posted October 19, 2007 Reasons to break up "should" be (because the word should is ****) My feelings have changedMy feelings haven't continued to progressI'm not sure we are the right people for each other I don't see anything in there about a dog. What I think you should do is to stop flirting, and I'd honestly seek out a new group of friends or activities. It's not fair to the new guy you are seeing. Maybe call your ex out: "how come you never bring your gf out with you? Is there some reason you hide her from your friends?" Of course, it would be uncomfortable for you to see her, and maybe that is why she doesn't come, but I think you need to drop this bag of bricks from your life and move on. Moving on is hard to do when someone is actively in your life and you still entertain hopes of being with him.
Author reelwoman Posted October 19, 2007 Author Posted October 19, 2007 yeah, you guys are telling me just what I need to hear....I spent the whole summer dreading seeing him because I knew he would come to this event series, and I can't not go because it's part of my job to be there. What drives me crazy is knowing he is not the right guy for me and that no way do I want to be with someone so shallow, but at the same time the pull is still really strong and I keep remembering the things that were good. I wasn't expecting to feel this way, because I have been focusing on how disgusted I was with him. He told me when we broke up that he loves me but not unconditionally...what's up with THAT? He repeatedly told me in person and emails ( and one letter) that he thinks I'm the most "beautiful, brilliant, amazing " person he's ever met and he's never loved another woman ( and this guy is NOT young, so that is just weird) and YET such trivial things made him decide it was too much trouble to be with me....I think part of my problem and the reason I'm not just totally blowing him off is that if he decided he wanted me back, it would sort of undo the original rejection....pretty lame, eh? Thanks for giving me some perspective!
Trialbyfire Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 While he might still want you, he also wants to keep his options open. The boy (maturity wise) isn't ready to settle down to an honest relationship. Unless you want to get hurt again, steer clear of him.
jophil28 Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 [quote=reelwoman; It's driving me crazy! I don't want him back but I am feeling very attracted to him and it's very confusing. So you are feeling VERY ATTRACTED to him but you do not want him back ! YOu were always ambivalent toward him but now you are flirting and he is pushing all your buttons. You are a confused mess .You do not have any direction or self regulation not to even mention self awareness. The reasons that he gave you for leaving you were (so he figured) the most YOU could grasp at the time.. He is above your level and out of your league NO wonder he dumped you. Do you stiil want him ? YES YOU DO ! IF he is as "clueless and emotinally immature" as you CLAIM then why are you still flirting and so on .Why do you want, create and contribute to this connection with him. HE has a G/f and is spinning you as a spare plate and you are too unsophisticated to see it. He has all the power and the control and you do not. That must really pYss you off. You have two choices 1. BE his FB and accept that you had a shot with this guy and he did not want to sign up with you. 2. Cut contact and look for someone more like you.
Author reelwoman Posted October 20, 2007 Author Posted October 20, 2007 oh jo, jo, jo......who was that woman who so wounded you that you are now feasting on the bitter pus of misogyny and self-loathing? Poor boy. The fact is, this situation has nothing to do with power. I could say I have the power because he sits there every week staring at me like a wounded antelope and stammering compliments, and finding lame excuses for contacting me through email, and I'm just flirting in a totally fun and noncommittal way because, frankly, after being dumped for being "unattractive", I find it hilarious that he is falling all over himself telling me ( and all of our mutual friends) how great I look. But it also makes me mad, because it IS shallow. Also, after we broke up, I called him on how stupid his reasons were and he admitted that they were and said he wanted to figure out why he really wanted to break it off. He claims he's written pages and pages of thoughts, though who knows. I think it had more to do with not wanting to be in a real relationship with a real person--real people are messy, inconvenient, and complicated. His new gf is, from what I hear, not so, um, complicated. If I weren't having trouble with the guy I'm seeing, I doubt I would even be so conflicted, which sucks.
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