Husband cheating? Figure it out !

[RecordProducer]

Regarding the clogged toilet: is the house new? Have you let someone else reside in it while you were not there? Do you have children who are teenagers?

 

Last time I went in for a physical, the Dr said "So, how is it going with the viagra?" I said "HUH?" He said "You know, the viagra, I gave your husband those samples.."

Are you joking that the mutual physician asked you this? If this is true, he should lose his license. Doctors are not allowed to share any information among their patients. To him you are not spouses, but just two patients.

 

Divorce is 50 / 50 in no fault states.

Settlemet / alimony / child support is quite another.

As you said, she should get advice from an attorney in her state. In PA settlement and child support are non-fault related. If you want to bring infidelity, abuse and similar stuff to court, you have to sue and establish his fault. It's costly in terms of legal and attorney fees and brings nothing but what was supposed to be achieved in the first place and in good faith.

 

She has no clue who this OW is and of course she can't ask him anything.

The good news for her is: he is dead. The bad news is: she can't kill him.

[whichwayisup]

It is just so overwhelming...what if I am wrong???

 

Sadly, you aren't wrong. If he isn't doing anything then you'd probably BE on that vacation with him, meeting his new found 'buddy'.

[troubleinrivercity]

IT has been a long time since I have posted.

Went to an attorney who said that it really doesn't matter WHAT he is doing.He could be screwing 100 women and it would not matter! In this state the divorce laws are no fault. I made it very clear to attorney that I did not want a divorce, just wanted husband to come to his senses, but did not want to be left without support.

I started to make notes of where husband said he was was each day, details he told me and what did not make sense.

There are many, many times when he is AWOL for hours at a time.He has plenty of opportunities to 'do his thing'.

I am exhaustng myself, following him, checking on him and acting as amateur spy. I am exhausted, cannot eat, cannot sleep. Burst into tears frequently.

Recently, he was about to leave on one of his escapades. Even though I cannot seem to catch him in the act, I KNOW that he is seeing someone. I met him outside before he could leave and told him we needed to talk. HE said that he did not feel like talking. He has avoided being alone with me at all for the past couple of months. I followed him into the house and told them that we WOULD talk and we would talk now. He sat down in front of the computer and tried to ignore me. I told him that I would appreciate it if he looked me in the eye .

#1I told him that I love him and asked him if he was in some kind of trouble.He responded "What do you mean 'trouble'" He of course, turned away from me as he answered.

#2 I told him I had found condoms in bathroom. He said that if I'd found condoms, they were from many years ago. I said that according to the exp date and lot number and the information I'd obtained from manufacturer, they were distributed in the past 6 months. And that I'd found a second stash of them after his recent vacation. He said, "Oh, well, I use them to masturbate.It is less messy that way" I said, "why don't you just use the outdated ones if that is all you are using them for?". There are dozens of outdated ones in the bathroom. He had no response to that.

#3 I told him that after finding the condoms, I'd gone to a clinic and to my surprise, had an STD. Since I have been completley faithful in our long marriage, the STD had to have come from him. He was very interested in the type of STD I have, which I would not elaborate on.He said that if I had an STD, that I MUST BE FOOLING AROUND.

#4 I asked him why he was being seen 20 miles away on days that I was at work and why he was making many large cash withdrawals on those days. HE said that he was not going to that city and wanted to know who would say something like that about him.

#5 I asked him why he was seen in a certain coffee shop in the city and he swore he had never been there, had never even heard of that coffee shop. A few minutes later said that maybe he had been there once after a DR app't.

.

#6 I asked him about the new fitness regime,new clothes, all the new underwear. He said he likes nice underwear and that maybe I should try working out so that I would feel better about myself. [i feel fine about myself, I am trim and look good and didn't fall for that either]

#7 I flat out asked him whether he'd had sex with anyone besides me in our long marriage ...his response was "Sex...now what exactly do you mean by sex?" I said that I was sure that he knew what sex was and said "Have you ever had any sexual contact wiith another person since we have been married?" He tried again to turn away from me and I told him to face me.. HE said "Uh, I don't recall...I just cannot remember".

#8 I asked him if he had been to prostitutes or strippers. He said "God no, I could catch something! I haven't done anything illegal."

#9 I said that I wanted to go to marriage counseling because I love him, that somehow we had gotten way off the track and we needed help. We have a family to think about and I wanted to get things back the way they used to be...

# He said that he is really not interested in any marriage counselor. He said the problem is that I am just not a good person...and then he went into a tirade about what a bad person I am. That was almost laughable...it was stricly a deflection maneuver. I am far from perfect, but know in my heart that I have been an above average wife and a darn good Mom and work hard outside the home besides.

I don't know what to do next. I made an app't with marriage counselor who said he won't see either of us alone, we need to come in together. Husband not sure whether he will go...

The day after that confrontation, I was such a wreck that I had to leave work and go to an emergency walk in counseling center. The therapist was great and it did help. As therapist said, of course he won't admit it...he has got the good thing going here...a great hardworking wife and some urban action and excitement too.

I am convinced that he is 'affairing' with his coworker....the one that I was told had reconciled with her husband, when in actualaity is sperated and getting divorced and husband has moved far away.

Before the confrontation, he was listening to love songs in the bathroom when he showered.

It is really painful to see your husband acting the same way he did when he fell in love with you [grooming, new clothes, excercising] , but the efforts are directed toward the girlfriend.

The day after the confrontation however, he did cancel two trips that he had planned, that I would bet he had planned to take girlfriend on.

Today I confronted him about the music he was playing...he said it was music the kids had downloaded [do kids listen to Norah Jones love songs??????] I just wanted to scream when I could see him trying to lie his way out of that one too...I went up to him and said "Please just stop this...please just stop.."and started sobbing and trying to hug him. He pushed me away and said that he just didn't feel romantic.

Now, his actions, all of them, tell me he is screwing around.........if the tables were turned and he was making these accusations toward me, I would answer all questions by looking him in the face and telling him the truth. I would want to assuage his obvious pain.

 

Why won't they come clean? I don't know how much longer I can take this....

Any suggestions? I know that if I approached any of their coworkers, someone would squeal.They probably all know about it. If he won't come clean, would that be a good approach.

Are marriage counselors good at making them tell the truth? Should I wait until the app't and just hope he will attend with me?

This man is the last person I ever thought would cheat. I am STILL shocked....every once in a while I think I am simply going crazy and have dreamt all of this up!

HELP!!!!!!

[whichwayisup]

He won't come clean because he figures you are still there and aren't doing anything about it. In his mind, you're allowing him to continue to cheat, instead of throwing him out on his ass.

Good for you for seeing a lawyer. If you can afford it, get a PI as well, just so you have actual proof. Then again, the lovely (being sarcastic ofcourse) STD he gave you, should be proof enough. That and his behaviour, as well as your gut instincts.

 

He wont' tell the truth until he absolutely has to, that's why you need hardcore proof that he is cheating on you.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Divorce his ass!!!

 

He gave you an STD???

 

WTF??? and he doesnt own up to it?!!?!?

 

Drop his lazy ass and move on you dont deserve the pain he keeps dishing out. Only you can bring happiness to yourself!

[Tony6]

The evidence is overwhelming. He's cheating. Ofcourse, you already know that, don't you?

[Leikela]

I agree with everyone else. He is obviously cheating. Either get a PI to get solid proof, or figure out your next move. By taking this, you are giving your husband the upper hand. Kick him out, do something!! You are only torturing yourself by staying and waiting. Until you make a move he'll just continue to hurt you.

[Mr. Lucky]

#7 I flat out asked him whether he'd had sex with anyone besides me in our long marriage ...his response was "Sex...now what exactly do you mean by sex?" I said that I was sure that he knew what sex was and said "Have you ever had any sexual contact wiith another person since we have been married?" He tried again to turn away from me and I told him to face me.. HE said "Uh, I don't recall...I just cannot remember".

He can't remember if he's had sex with someone else since you've been married ? And you didn't whack him upside the head to help "refresh" his memory?

 

Not sure why you'd post here looking for advice as the answer seems pretty clear. Why would you even consider continuing to put up with this?

 

Mr. Lucky

[troubleinrivercity]

Okay, it has been a few days now since the confrontation. Since that time he has been acting very differently.

Someone please tell me there is hope of an admission...some hope for figuring out this horrific mess!

I made an app't with a very experienced marriage counselor. I told cheating husband when and where and he said he would go to the app't.He even said "Yes, I will go with you to the attorney app't" I said "Attorney? It is not an attorney, it is a marriage counselor-therapist". It is his subconscious that made him misspeak and say attorney!.

At 2:00 am after the confrontation, he woke me up , angry and said "Have you been snooping through my charge card statements? The entire last year of statements if missing and I need them! " I told him that I did not take any of his statements, but that I indeed had looked through all of them.....I refuse to lie to him and am being above board. He knows I have been gathering information and believe me, there are lots of questionable charges on those statements!

He also told me again I AM NOT HAVING AN AFFAIR!

The strange disappearances have ceased. He has not left the house without a child in tow. No more 4 hour stints at the gym.

He cancelled both of his upcoming trips which most certainly were going to be with OW. Guess he feels guilty about sending his family away Valentines weekend while he entertains his girlfriend. And the other trip cancellation was explained as 'too long to spend on a plane".

No more love songs played while he is showering.

I also noted that he had a big bruise on his arm where he had obviously had blood drawn..I am sure he went in and was tested for STD's...

My thinking is that he now KNOWS that I am aware of his extracurriculars and is re-evaluting the wisdom of continuing this very dangerous game....

WTF!

To all former cheaters out there, what do you make of this turn around in behaviour?

Any more advice from all of you out there?

I dont intend to let him off easily. I cannot [emotionally] go through this again....

What next? How do I make sure he really intends to end affair ? Should I insist that I witness the affair ending conversation? Should I have a little talk with OW, whom I am now 99% sure of identity?

What can I do to make sure that it actually ends....

The good news is that I slept for 4 straight hours last night and have not done that for 3 months.

It is intersting how much the human mind can actually take...on Thanksgiving day I was so off kilter with anger, that I actually had to leave the house for a while . I took the turkey out of the oven, grabbed the knife to carve it and thought OMG! I am going to do something that I will regret with this knife!!!!

I truly wish that he had killed me rather than put me through this.....I cannot imagine anything worse than this really. Inflicting such pain on someone that loves you with all of their heart...for 20 years. There are so many unavoidable causes of pain in this world----- accidents,illnesses, natural disasters...WHY IN THE HELL WOULD A SPOUSE DO THIS? A preventable pain.

Advice please!!!! And thanks to all of you who have taken the time to respond..........I hope that I can help someone someday on these forums.

[Dean Moriarty]

OW

 

I think you mean OM

[White Flower]

Thanks for coming back and sharing. We're so invested in your story!

 

I don't know how you let him off so easily with the STD. If you did not cheat yourself, it is obvious that he gave it to you. You need to corner him on that one. He can lie about so many things, but if you don't scream, cry, and make a fuss over HIM giving YOU the STD, he'll think in the back of his head that you might have cheated at one point. Otherwise, why would you let it go? You should make him go with you to get a second opinion at the doctor's office. The cold hard reality might force him into admission.

 

If he thinks you are passive about the STD thing he might use that to fuel his desire to file for a D thereby making it YOUR fault. Don't let him do that.

 

BTW, did you ever get an answer as to why he had so much gay porn?

[White Flower]

Thanks for coming back and sharing. We're so invested in your story!

 

I don't know how you let him off so easily with the STD. If you did not cheat yourself, it is obvious that he gave it to you. You need to corner him on that one. He can lie about so many things, but if you don't scream, cry, and make a fuss over HIM giving YOU the STD, he'll think in the back of his head that you might have cheated at one point. Otherwise, why would you let it go? You should make him go with you to get a second opinion at the doctor's office. The cold hard reality might force him into admission.

 

If he thinks you are passive about the STD thing he might use that to fuel his desire to file for a D thereby making it YOUR fault. Don't let him do that.

 

BTW, did you ever get an answer as to why he had so much gay porn?

[White Flower]

Sorry about the double post. *shrug*

[Leikela]

The bottom line is that he is not happy with your relationship. He obviously needs something more from it or he wouldn't be cheating.

 

You tipped him off that you knew or were highly suspicious that he was cheating. Then he slipped and said attorney. Divorce has to be on his mind. If you can prove that he was/is cheating, you can get a fast divorce and pretty much take him for every penny. He is most likely trying to slink away from the limelight and go low key now.

 

You sound so hopeful that he'll just stop cheating and things will go back to normal. The reality is that things are very broken between you two. Marriage counseling is a step but the road to healing is a very long one! Sometimes a person will discover they just aren't in love with the other person anymore and are much happier out of the relationship. It happens. Be prepared for anything.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting, but you'll hurt even more if you pull the wool over your own eyes. You need to start looking out for yourself in this matter. I would hire a PI and get solid proof but that may be hard, now that he's tipped off to you.

 

Whatever happens, start looking inside yourself and ask yourself if this is how you want to live your life? Look back at your relationship and pinpoint where it might have gone wrong.. Figure stuff out for yourself. You'll gain the upper hand. It seems as though right now you're relying on him for all the answers. Start with yourself. Good luck!

[LucreziaBorgia]

His behavior? He is either backpedaling after the affair ended, or he has pushed the affair so far underground that you can't see it anymore.

[StillSame]

Has he confessed yet? That's the first and necessary step to recovery.

[icequeen923]

I truly think that you know the answer to your own question but that you are looking for assurance that you are right! As for staying for the kids.....life must be rough around the house right now and from my own experience with a cheating husband. It was better that they have parents living apart and sad than to have the stress around the house. Are you really helping by staying in a marriage that isn't what it used to be just because of your children or are there other reasons for staying?

[Blue Eyed Brain]

But lets get real.. he's probably even having sex with strange women in YOUR house.. sick if you ask me.

 

I agree. If he was going to a hotels or other, than why would he come home to deposit them in the toilet.

 

He also is very reckless and sounds like he wants to get caught.

 

What are you prepared to do?

[troubleinrivercity]

It has been almost 3 months since my first post. It has been a wild and emotional ride.

I have digested all of repsondents advice to me. I have kept my mouth shut and my eyes open and have come up with mountains of information.

We have a marriage couseling app't set for this week and he is in for a BIG SURPRISE.

I have managed to determine who the woman is, where she works, lives and even her schedule. I know when they meet, where they go..the whole thing.

I have also determined that this has probably been going on for a few years . I don't want to go into all the details right now, but he apparently believes that he is in love with her.

So, any advice on how I should play my cards at the marriage counseling session? I know the counselor is a very experienced woman, maybe she can lead me.to the truth. with him... She refuses to talk to either party individually prior to the app't., which is understandable.

I am very surprised that he has agreed to attend. Either he believes that he can lie his way out of things that day, or [most likely] he is going to tell me that he is in love with the whore and plans to divorce me.

At this point, nothing would surprise me!

The whole thing feels surreal even today, after 3 months.

Everyone please wish me luck this week. IT is going to be a tough one, but it is time for the big 'C'.

I cannot go on like this. I refuse to be with a man that requires an ankle monitoring bracelet.lie an ex con is forced to wear. in order to keep him in line. He was given my complete trust for 20 years and this is how it ends????????

Who would have thought that he would hang himself with the very long leash that I gave him..........oh well, better clear the calender for frequent visits to the shrink!haha

THAT WHAT DOES NOT KILL YOU MAKES YOU STRONGER RIGHT?

[troubleinrivercity]

Went to our marriage counseling app't.

Quite and interesting day. He was red in the face from the moment he sat down. I took out all of my evidence and painstakingly presented it. He admitted to having had sex with stranger while out of town. [Good cover for the std and I do not believe that this is the full story!]] HE agreed to get tested for STD's. HE said it was just a one time thing.I told him that I thought he was in love affair with someone he worked with. He blurted out the woman's name, but then denied he was having affair with her. Funny that he would come up with her name! The counselor told him that sometimes men do leave a lot of clues around because they want to get caught.The counselor did not push him to explain any of my evidence, just kept asking us to tell her what it was that we liked about our marriage....what we enjoyed when times had been good.

At the end of app't husband said he would return for more sessions. After the session, husband told me he was not sure he loved me and wanted to know EXACTLY how much I knew..had I hired a PI, was I suicidal, was the computer bugged, house bugged?.Acted as guilty as hell.

The next morning he said he was very stressed, had been crying all night and did not want to answer any more questions. He did not want to go to any more marriage counseling because he did not want to 'review his childhood' and did not want other people DRAGGED INTO THE SITUTATION for fear of OTHERS being hurt too. He also said that he was so stressed out because he was about to lose half of everything he had ever worked for....and I have never mentioned wanting a divorce. Must think that when I find out the truth, I will ask for the big D.

He then canceled a number of upcoming business trips that I am quite certain that he would have taken her on. He is really stressed, cries at the drop of a hat. Has come directly home from work, no unexplained abcenses.Has done more around the house than in months.

So, he is showing remorse.

I have started my own individual counseling and am finally sleeping... with some pharmaceutical help that is. Counselor suggests that I back off for a while. She says that noone is going to admit to anything when they have a 'gun held to their head', as I did in the counseling session. That we should work on relationship and maybe eventually he will confess.

Since I am in the detective mode and watch his every move, know who I believe his OW is, does everyone agree with counselors suggestion?

I feel like this man had made a very stupid mistake, realizes it and that there may be some hope.

A business dinner is coming up next week. The OW should be there and believe me, we WILL be going as a couple. I am sure that this dinner will reveal quite a bit. I am sure that his coworkers, who have been acting very strangely toward me lately, would be willing to offer lots of info.The final nails in the coffin..THE PROOF beyond my circumstantial evidence.

He of course, has said a couple of times that I have made up this big story about his having an affair, but has not offered any explanations for my evidence, not has he tried to reassure me that my thought process is flawed.

He also wants to know who I have told about this. Who have I questioned.....who knows about 'our' situation.

All this guilty behaviour...when is he going to crack?

Ideas for next moves please...

[jenniferc1114]

Your next move is deciding what you want. Do you want the marriage to work? Let's say you get all the evidence in the world. You become validated. It wasn't something you "made up" in your head. The worst scernio is that you were right all along, right? Well what do you want if that's the case. A divorce? Then take your time, see a lawyer, hire that pi. Take care of your future. What if you love him & would still want to work things out? Then stop where you are right now. Drop it, but don't let him ever forget. Drop the wanting to know it all. All the truth out there will only end up hurting you. If you two can continue thru counseling & work on your future and not the past, you may have a chance. But like I said, don't let him forget...keep that tight rope on him.

[LucreziaBorgia]

That we should work on relationship and maybe eventually he will confess.

 

If the affair is still going on - even if it is going through the process of a 'long slow goodbye' no amount of work will do any good. OW has to be completely out of the picture. He has to have absolutely no contact with her whatsoever.

 

I would not tip my hand about how you found out your information. Keep gathering...

[Leikela]

You sound as though you want to stay with him no matter what. I say this because you say there is a shred of hope. You need to look inside yourself and ask yourself if you can be happily married knowing your husband cheated on you. There are emotions that come with that that you would have to work through. Some women can work through them and some can't. The ball is in YOUR court, not the other way around. YOU decide your fate. Not your husband!!

 

He mentioned something about his childhood. Do you know anything about it? Was he sexually abused? Past issues WILL rear their ugly heads later in life if supressed for many years. It sounds like those issues are coming to a head now. My background is in psychology and it appears as though he may have been sexually abused. If this is the case, he will need a lot of therapy and he may find out he has been fooling himself all these years about many different things. Be prepared for anything.

[White Flower]

Thanks for the update.

 

You have to ask yourself AND him if you are willing to stay married to a man that may not love you anymore. If there is any hope that love is left in his heart then you may have a chance. For me, I could and would not stay with a man who loved someone else more than me. If your H can prove to you that he still feels something then maybe it is worth all the counseling. And like LB says, keep digging. As it stands, it sounds like he is more in shock of being discovered and who else might know than he is in shock of losing you unless you just haven't shared his feelings for you with us yet. Also, he fears losing half of everything. Is that good enough for you? Don't you want a husband who fears losing YOU, not just half of everything?

 

Good luck at that dinner function. Be confident and shine. Remind him and everyone else in the room how proud he is to have you by his side.

[Alibi]

I have read your post. I to was suspecting cheating on me before. I agree with wichwayisup. Either hire a PI, and they will catch him and that will be all the proof you need, or do it yourself. Thats what I did. Purchase a digital audio recorder, somehow place it in his car or somewhere he will now suspect it and hit record and wait to retrieve it. Im sorry to say this but men are very simple creatures. Does he have a favorite number or a 4 digit number he likes to use. Like his birthyear or something. Anyway if you know your husband well enough you can figure out his phone password and access his voicemail on his cell phone and listen in. Im not saying this is healthy behavior but Im saying that if your looking for proof, you can find it. Ive done both the above and have nailed a guy I was dating for a long time cheating on me. He never saw it coming either. But just be prepared to exept the truth. I know most people have a hard time coping with the reality that their lover has betrayed them. No matter what you have done or who you are, you deserve honesty and respect. I hope this helps.