GreenEyedLady Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 3 years is a long time to go without having sex while married, is there a reason or explanation for that? It's actually not that uncommon...but it is usually a sign that someone is stepping out of the M...
whichwayisup Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 I think it's time you sit down and talk to him. Lay everything out in the open. You can't continue to live like this.
Author troubleinrivercity Posted October 21, 2007 Author Posted October 21, 2007 Green Eyed lady, Wait a minute...do you mean it is not uncommon not to have sex for 3 years or not uncommon to read homerotic literature? This is just surreal. I had a terrible dream that awakened me last night. You know how sometimes you are relieved when you wakeup and find out that you were only dreaming? WEll I woke up, realized that I had only been dreaming, then wanted to go back to the horrible dream, as it was much better than what my life has turned out to be in the last few days. I know that I can get through this, but it is not going to be easy. If he is gay, he has done a hell of a job hiding it all of these years. Excuse me, I am going to be sick................
MrsHellnoFire Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 lol.. im sorry to chuckle a little as you have some serious problems. but this is getting too weird. what about this "OW"?? maybe he's just bi?
White Flower Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 If he is gay, he has done a hell of a job hiding it all of these years. Excuse me, I am going to be sick................ Sorry, TRC, I had a homosexual co-worker meet married guys online and they would hook-up for sex at nearby hotels. Their wives never knew. It was so sad. We tried to discourage him, but were powerless, of course. At least they had the decency to meet at a discreet hotel and not invade the sanctity of the W's home. Not to mention the plumbing costs. I suppose it would be more difficult to admit to a homosexual affair than a straight one. I'm so sorry.
annieo Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 I don't know if he's gay, considering that the woman from work sent a stripper to the party. Not the sort of thing I would do for a buddy, or anybody, for that matter. My guess is he is bi or bi-curious. Sounds to me like he is doing some experimenting all over the place: women, men...who knows. You really need to ask him. The brother in law of a friend of mine recently went through some major sexual experimentation/kinkiness(which did not come out into the open until he and his wife were separated). Other women (3 he's admitted to), posting nude photos of himself on-line, and just generally wacky, out of control behavior. It's a cliche, but I think the term mid-life crisis fits. I think some people panic (men in particular) and try to squeeze in all the experiences they can once they see the lines/paunch/grey hair and realize that they, too, are going to die one day.
Author troubleinrivercity Posted October 22, 2007 Author Posted October 22, 2007 MrsHellNoFire, If are LOL, you should not be posting on these forums. Aren't people going on these forums for support? Or are you going on the forums because you feel you are superior to the rest of us that you have no problems?I obviously have a big problem on my hands and am asking for the advice and support of strangers because I don't know where else to turn. So, please LOL somewhere else!
Trimmer Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 As far as his tropical vacation, you would be surprised at how willing the airlines are to confirm a reservation, and to confirm the reservations of other travelers travelling together with someone. If you were to call up, make it sound like you are an executive assistant or something like that. "I'm calling to confirm reservations for <husband>..." they confirm "...and can you tell me if the reservation for <OW> is attached to the record?" they answer yes or no... If they answer "no," then: "OK, then I need to confirm her reservation separately..." It's all about sounding confident; make it sound like you know what you are expecting to hear, even if the truth surprises and shocks you. I once confirmed, after the fact, that a return flight had been taken by my wife's OM (from a place she had been, supposedly alone) and that it had been paid for on a credit card in her name. I knew which airline it would be, and I had a pretty good guess at the date and time, so I called up with a story about resolving accounting records and billing issues and they were really quite helpful... This would give you something concrete, but don't you really pretty much know what you need to know already?
Author troubleinrivercity Posted October 23, 2007 Author Posted October 23, 2007 I found the reservation for the hotel on 'his vacation' The reservation is for 2 adults and requests 2 'queen' [haha] beds! What?? How interesting. He is also not going directly to one location , but is spending the weekend in another location. Does that mean anything? As far as the homerotic literature, I read a lot of it last night and it describes a gay male's promiscuous escapes in graphic detail. My question again is: Do straight males read this stuff? I have found no female porn, just male [yes, there was more after I searched] Do males ordinarily get their jollies from reading/looking at male porn? I think the key here is getting into his computer..anyone have tips? How about online dating? How would I figure out if he were finding hook ups online? Any and all advice appreciated.This is just so surreal!
SugaDumplin Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 God gave us a thing called intuition and I am on the track with my husband. But we have sex and he wants sex. I haven't found any condoms, but that briefcase is attached to his hip. I have tried to get the phone call logfrom the phone company but because he opt out of detailed bills, I only get the bill not the calls. But lately he's been missing...not when I'm at home but more so when I should be at work. I have retrieved several voicemails from his phone but the woman only says "hey, it's me." Who the hell is me, but he says it must be the wrong number. Yeah right. I'm trying to figure out how I can catch him, because I know there's something to find. You are not crazy, it's time to whomp his @ss.
Author troubleinrivercity Posted October 23, 2007 Author Posted October 23, 2007 Is it the same voice calling the 'wrong' number all of the time? I did some reading on infidelity and private investigators and apparently woman's intuition on this matter is correct 85% of the time.Why in the world a man would play this cat and mouse game, I will never know. Maybe they are bored and need the thrill.Good luck in your quest for the truth. People say, don't pursue it unless you really want to know...why would anyone chose to stay in the dark. And what do you think of the gay porn thing?
White Flower Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 Is it the same voice calling the 'wrong' number all of the time? I did some reading on infidelity and private investigators and apparently woman's intuition on this matter is correct 85% of the time.Why in the world a man would play this cat and mouse game, I will never know. Maybe they are bored and need the thrill.Good luck in your quest for the truth. People say, don't pursue it unless you really want to know...why would anyone chose to stay in the dark. And what do you think of the gay porn thing? The gay porn thing may be that he is (or could be) gay or bi and has been hiding that from you for years. He may have been in denial for a long time, but now has given in to it. I have heard there are ways of getting into his computer, but can only suggest researching that online. Best of luck.
Mz. Pixie Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 Surprise him on the trip. Then you'll know for sure. Homosexual porn?? I'm sorry, I do not believe straight men read that stuff. My H doesn't.
jmargel Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 Sounds like your husband has other interests and honestly I would put a halt to him going on this vacation. You continue to tolerate his behavior so he will continue to do it. Tough love is needed here. Kick him out, he has been lying, disrespecting and cheating on you for three years. All the signs are there, you are not crazy, HE IS CHEATING. My aunt had a similar experience to yours. They were married for 30 years, had a daughter together. She thought she had the perfect life, he was a great husband and two years ago they shared their dream of going to Ireland together. Six months later he died in front of her, she was devestated. She lost her best friend, her love. All she had was these good memories of him. After the funeral she found this little safe hidden in a remote place of the house. Never knew of this safe before and didn't have a key. It took about a week to find someone to open it. What was inside, devestated her. She found pictures of him and this other woman, and divorce papers signed only by him. All the trips that he took to see his brother he was seeing this chick, and apparently this OW was on him about leaving his wife. He was buying time by getting divorce papers and signing it, but never taking it to the courthouse. If he did that, then his wife would know. She has no clue who this OW is and of course she can't ask him anything. She has all these questions and will never get answers. 30 years of memories that are now tainted. Everything that a couple experiences together now shattered. At least you can get answers, my aunt can't. This is the time to demand answers to get resolution to all of this so you can move on with your life. Be firm, be tough, get pissed and SHOW HIM. Do not back down. Keep pushing until you get the answers you deserve. Contact an attorney to see what your rights are. Every state is different.
marlena Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 J. Margel! Wow! That really moved me! It reads like something out of a novel! So sorry for your aunt!
MrsHellnoFire Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 You were first to laugh at your own "serious" problems like your hubby having another woman... I mean well respected by everyone, great Dad, loved by his family and mine and all of his coworkers [especially [potentially] the OW[haha]. I haven't known one person to laugh at the fact their hubby is cheating. Now maybe that's why I'm not taking this thread and all of its outrageous and bizarre twists too seriously.
GALT Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 I can see a straight man checking out gay porn to see what it is all about. Check out a website called philanderers net or com (I can;t remember) and it gives all sorts of tips on how to NOT get caught cheating---but would easily work in the reverse!
GreenEyedLady Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 Green Eyed lady, Wait a minute...do you mean it is not uncommon not to have sex for 3 years or not uncommon to read homerotic literature? This is just surreal. Excuse me, I am going to be sick................ It's not uncommon for sex to die in M's if you've read around here at all...and it usually is a sign that someone is cheating... The homerotic literature? Well, I guess it would depend on what titles you are talking about...but if you're talking gay porn, well, you have your answer... P.S. Sometimes people don't want to admit who they are to others because they don't want to be that person...And some are really good at hiding...but I'd bet that you could find other signs that would tell you for sure...
LexiB Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 I found the reservation for the hotel on 'his vacation' The reservation is for 2 adults and requests 2 'queen' [haha] beds! What?? How interesting. He is also not going directly to one location , but is spending the weekend in another location. Does that mean anything? As far as the homerotic literature, I read a lot of it last night and it describes a gay male's promiscuous escapes in graphic detail. My question again is: Do straight males read this stuff? I have found no female porn, just male [yes, there was more after I searched] Do males ordinarily get their jollies from reading/looking at male porn? I think the key here is getting into his computer..anyone have tips? How about online dating? How would I figure out if he were finding hook ups online? Any and all advice appreciated.This is just so surreal! Sweetheart, talk to him already! I understand it's going to be incredibly hard and most likely heartbreaking, but you are going to drive yourself crazy letting your mind wander and assuming and guessing and what-ifing...like other posters have said, it's beyond time for a confrontation. Good Luck
child_of_isis Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 One time I googled "is my husband gay" or something to that effect..it may have been "signs that my husband is gay"...the things that I remember as being on the list is..no sex. Gay porn. Google it and see what comes up. I found the reservation for the hotel on 'his vacation' The reservation is for 2 adults and requests 2 'queen' [haha] beds! What?? How interesting. He is also not going directly to one location , but is spending the weekend in another location. Does that mean anything? As far as the homerotic literature, I read a lot of it last night and it describes a gay male's promiscuous escapes in graphic detail. My question again is: Do straight males read this stuff? I have found no female porn, just male [yes, there was more after I searched] Do males ordinarily get their jollies from reading/looking at male porn? I think the key here is getting into his computer..anyone have tips? How about online dating? How would I figure out if he were finding hook ups online? Any and all advice appreciated.This is just so surreal!
JustBreathe Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 You've been married 20 years. His interest in sex has decilned in the last 3 years. How often did you have sex four or five years ago? Was your sex life with your husband going down hill? Sometimes there is just a sort of dying away of the sex life after many years. How is your relationship other than sex? Are you close? My husband does not look at gay porn. It was always women.
Author troubleinrivercity Posted October 30, 2007 Author Posted October 30, 2007 The sex life was fantastic at first. A++++ plus! That is what is so puzzling. Of course things slow down as you age,.... they have to or you would not be able to go to work after being up half the night. How could a gay man do so well sexually with a woman? He was better than any other 'man'! This whole thing makes me question my my judgement of people. What else are the people around me hiding? Is one of my daughters really a terrorist? A serial murderer? A transvestite? Jeez, this world we live in is a strange place. I think I need a vacation...or need to fast forward through this 'incident' ....is it 2009 yet?
White Flower Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 The sex life was fantastic at first. A++++ plus! That is what is so puzzling. Of course things slow down as you age,.... they have to or you would not be able to go to work after being up half the night. How could a gay man do so well sexually with a woman? He was better than any other 'man'! This whole thing makes me question my my judgement of people. What else are the people around me hiding? Is one of my daughters really a terrorist? A serial murderer? A transvestite? Jeez, this world we live in is a strange place. I think I need a vacation...or need to fast forward through this 'incident' ....is it 2009 yet? It's been a few days since I've checked this thread...can we have an update? How are you holding up?
Author troubleinrivercity Posted November 3, 2007 Author Posted November 3, 2007 Hello, Well, I am holding up, but pretty confused/distraught/sad/exhausted. Do okay at work and then as soon as get in the car. have a meltdown. Really need some sleep. He is still gone.He has not called me the whole time. I really don't feel I am emotionally stable enough to confront him yet. Someone today at work, who does not even know the story, said "Is your husband still gone on his vacation? I feel like the guy should out on a protective vest when he gets home, as you are really, really angry with him aren't you? Still find that I want concrete proof and went to visit a PI today. ..or tried to visit him. Could not find the office, so finally gave up and went home for a nap. It is just so overwhelming...what if I am wrong???I wish that I could rewind the clock and then skip all of this... I went through all the bank statements and found several large cash withdrawals from cash machine right near gay bar. I guess I just don't have any guts.
White Flower Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 Hello, Well, I am holding up, but pretty confused/distraught/sad/exhausted. Do okay at work and then as soon as get in the car. have a meltdown. Really need some sleep. He is still gone.He has not called me the whole time. I really don't feel I am emotionally stable enough to confront him yet. Someone today at work, who does not even know the story, said "Is your husband still gone on his vacation? I feel like the guy should out on a protective vest when he gets home, as you are really, really angry with him aren't you? Still find that I want concrete proof and went to visit a PI today. ..or tried to visit him. Could not find the office, so finally gave up and went home for a nap. It is just so overwhelming...what if I am wrong???I wish that I could rewind the clock and then skip all of this... I went through all the bank statements and found several large cash withdrawals from cash machine right near gay bar. I guess I just don't have any guts. Darlin', it takes time and anger to build up the guts. Take it one day at a time. You need to get on some antidepressants in the mean time. Hang in there and take care of yourself.
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