Husband cheating? Figure it out !

[troubleinrivercity]

I have suspected for some time that my husband is cheating. Here's why:

1]Has not wanted sex in 3 years and I am no DOG

2]Plumber came to unclog toilet and told me it was plugged with condoms [we have not needed condoms in years] I laughed... until he started digging them out

3]Mysterious disappearances. One morning left house at 5:30 am, all dressed up, wearing cologne and tried to leave without saying goodbye. 3 hours later his work called wondering where he was as he had not shown up for important meeting. He explained, but not until later that night that he was 'sitting in a coffee shop'.

4]Has suddenly started doing crazy 'mid-life crisis type things that would set off even the Virgin Mary, such as buying toys for himself that cost more than my first house. Very out of character.

5]Used to talk a lot about a women from work. Abruptly stopped talking about her after she called our house crying and his explanation was that she was having marital problems and needed 'support'. I recently asked him how she was doing and he said that they had reconciled and they were moving away. I found out that in actuality, he husband moved away and that he is telling everyone that they are getting a divorce. She is still here in town!

6]He has planned a 10 day vacation in a tropical location without me or the kids and knows that we cannot go with them because of the timing.

7]LAst weekend I found condoms in his bathroom with expiration date or 5/2011. Anyone know how long they have been around. What is the earliest that htey could have been purchased?

8} I am coping by drinking lots of wine and wondering what to do......several years ago I suspected he was cheating when I found a condom in his pocket and he manged to convince me that he had it there in case we wanted to have some wild and spontaneous sex [that must have been a dream.We have not done anything like that in about 20 years] Iknew his explanation sounded fishy then.

9]He keeps his briefcase in car now and keeps car locked up like Fort Know. Makes me think he is hiding something.

I think that he slipped up leaving condoms around now again when we have no need for them. I am really going whacko over this....am I nuts? Please give me input or other explanations!

I just cannot figure out why he would do something this stupid. I confided in a male friend who said 'Why do guys do this stupid stuff? Because they can!"

[woundedspouse]

Trouble in RC,

 

I am so sorry that you are going through this SO SORRY. I know your pain all too well, as I just found out 6 weeks ago that my DH has been cheating as well. Like you I cam across many things, and asked him about some suspicious behavior ( also a woman at work). HE SWORE nothing was going on.

 

He was away on business and I TORE this house apart. HE recently retired and started his own company, so he had EVERYTHING from 30 years at an office that he brought home. Boy did I find cards, notes, printed emails ( STUPID) and finally a box of condoms. Like you we do not use them, as I actually have a latex allergy.

 

I did some research, the condoms are not allowed by FDA to have a shelf life longer than 5 years. SO he bought those fairly recently.

 

THe condoms in the toilet? COuld he use them during masturbation? SOme men hate the mess, especially if they are trying to be sneaky about it. WHy else would they be in your home toilet. Do you suspect him of having someone in your home?

 

Anyways, I confronted DH the night he came home from his trip. I thought I KNEW what was going on and I thought I knew who. I gave him ONE CHANCE to come clean. All I will say on that is be prepared for what you may hear and make sure you want to know. I NEEDED to know, but some would prefer not to have the details as I did, so be careful what you ask. I found out FAR more than I suspected and I had the wrong women...I do think he was heafing down the same path with the one I suspected. I found out that DH has been cheating on me for 5 years, with 3 different women ( all form work and 1 he dated pre me). We have been married almost 15 years, with 3 young kids. I also have cancer and he continued these affairs after I was diagnosed and then again when I relapsed. 2 were Physical ( one being more emotional) and one was on - line / borderline emotional with and old girlfriend. THey did meet in NYC, but did not have sex ( this was due to unexpected meeting for work, not for lack of intent) SHe sent nude photos and talked explicitly about her sex lidfe. It was an affair whther or not they had "sex" ( oral / intercourse or otherwise).

 

I would HIGHLY reccomend a book for you and him if he will read it. I have devoured all I could get my handds on over the last weeks. "Not Just Friends" was by far the best, IMHO.

 

RC, I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Immediately retain an ATTY to get yourself a safety net in case you need it. IT does not mean that you have to Divorce him, just protect yourself. I also suggest a good therapist, one for you solo and one for you both ( and him alone) if he will go. We are TRYING to recover. I have committed to TRYING. I am not sure I can get over it. THere is so much, so many lies, and so much anger, but I will try. I figure I have nothing to loose by trying. IT can't hurt any worse if it does not work out. It has also allowed me time to get some financial things in order "just in case".

 

ANother word of advise. Be carful who you tell. ONly a few select people know about what we are going through adn they are friends of our marriage that are here to support US and our family, no matter what we decide. I have a friends that recently went through this and she told EVERYONE , what a slime he was , etc. They are now recconcoling and it is hard with everyone in their business. For me it is also very imprtant that our children NEVEr find out, so the fewer that know, the more likely we are able to keepp his lying and cheating from them.

 

Ok, I have rambled long enough. RC, please take care of you. LEt us know how you are doing!!

 

WOunded SPouse

[Mz. Pixie]

Are you going to have to actually catch him in the physical act before you realize he is cheating??

 

Too many red flags.

 

Hire a PI to find out what's really going on.

[troubleinrivercity]

I am having a terrible time trying to reply to these posts. I have tried several times today. This is a test

[nittygritty]

3 years is a long time to go without having sex while married, is there a reason or explanation for that?

 

Combine that with the condoms and I'd say he's most definitely probably cheating.

 

Do you want to stay married to him?

[whichwayisup]

It's time to confront him. He is cheating on you, all the signs are there.

 

You have a choice here - Hire a PI and get solid evidence (if you feel you need more proof than what you already have), then confront him with all that you have - But, before you do this, you need to decide if he is worth a second chance. If you feel he isn't, then speak to a lawyer now and know what your options are. If you do want to give him another chance, then go to marriage counselling with him, make sure it is over between him and the OW.

 

Sorry that you're going through this..

[troubleinrivercity]

Yes, figure that one out. He just resists any attempts to be physical. Avoids being alone with me. I have been completley faithful. I would say that I am a resonably attractive woman. What man doesn't want sex? If he is masturbating, then everything is apparently working... I just don't get it...

[troubleinrivercity]

How could a PI catch him if I have not been able to do that yet? How would I even find one?

[troubleinrivercity]

I have written 5 responses to your post today and all have refused to post. Things seem to be working now, so will try again.

Thanks for book suggestion. I bought it and it is great book with lots of useful suggestions.

I wonder why someone would buy new condoms when there were plenty expired ones left in the house to use for masturbation if that is indeed what he is using them for?And why not alert wife so that she does not freak out if she finds them. What is a little extra laundry anyway? . For some reason he has been laundering his own clothes lately anyway. Probably another tip off. And he has quite a few really nifty new underpants.

He has been going to the gym almost everyday supposedly. If he really was working out all of the times he claims to be, he would look like Arnold Schwarzenegger by now.

When you did the confrontation, how did you approach that? And what did you mean by tearing the house apart? I am going to have an opportunity to do that soon...give me tips.

Have no access to his computer. Or bank accounts to check spending. He 'forgets ' to turn his cell phone on most of the time and does not have voicemail, so he can be gone long stetches of time without me knowing where he is. Locks car and keeps keys in unknown place. Briefcase left in locked car. Very suspicious.

What man does not want sex for years, unless he is getting it elsewhere?. Could he have picked up an STD which would be hard to explain to his faithful wife who no longer needs condoms for birth control. Pretty strange to wear a condom if there was no possibility of her getting pregnant, don't you think?

The thing is, I am just not sure. He is a great guy [if not screwing around] ...I mean well respected by everyone, great Dad, loved by his family and mine and all of his coworkers [especially [potentially] the OW[haha].

The potential OW woman avoids me completley. If you are such great friends with someone's husband, don't you want to get to know the person's wife?. I have lots of male friends and am very friendly to their wives. No one ever suspects me as an OW or is jealous of their husbands relationship with me because I clearly am being honest with my male friends wives. They don't ever think that I am going to try to jump in the sack with their husband!

I invited the potential OW to husbands birthday party. She did not come, but sent a stripper, which was really in great taste, since family was there , including our young kids. I manged to get the stripper out of there before she did her thing.

And, now the strange things are popping into my head once I allow them too. I think that I may have been in deep denial for a long time. Okay , both H and have the same Dr. . Last time I went in for a physical, the Dr said "So, how is it going with the viagra?" I said "HUH?" He said "You know, the viagra, I gave your husband those samples.." he must have seen the look on my face and he knew he had messed up, so he said "Oh, I must have gotten mixed up, I give out a lot of samples, I must be mistaken"... What the h#$%?

Hope to hear from you and that you are on your way to forgiving H. Sounds like he is willing to come clean.

I can hardly look at my husband in the last couple of days. He just called and said that he is going to be working late. Yeah, right.

[whichwayisup]

He just called and said that he is going to be working late. Yeah, right.

 

Why not call him back and tell him not to bother coming home. Just tell him you KNOW he's been cheating on you, and enough IS enough. Then hang up on him. Chain the door, go to bed. Seriously, consider doing this.

 

As for the PI, they have ways of doing this, it's their job. Google PI's in your City.

[MrsHellnoFire]

Plumber came to unclog toilet and told me it was plugged with condoms [we have not needed condoms in years] I laughed...

 

I know you are asking for some reinforcing opinions on your inclinations.

But lets get real.. he's probably even having sex with strange women in YOUR house.. sick if you ask me.

[MrsHellnoFire]

I invited the potential OW to husbands birthday party. She did not come, but sent a stripper, which was really in great taste, since family was there , including our young kids. I manged to get the stripper out of there before she did her thing.

 

omg, this woman is seriously deranged no less. i dont know whether this was malicious intent or just that her mind is always somewhere else!

[MrsHellnoFire]

Last time I went in for a physical, the Dr said "So, how is it going with the viagra?" I said "HUH?" He said "You know, the viagra, I gave your husband those samples.." he must have seen the look on my face and he knew he had messed up, so he said "Oh, I must have gotten mixed up, I give out a lot of samples, I must be mistaken"... What the h#$%?

 

good grief. by NOW, i really think you should know the answer to your original question posted!

[troubleinrivercity]

All right, all right everybody...I guess I am really stupid!

Maybe I don't need a PI!

But truly, I have just now started allowing myself to even put two and two together...a lot of this stuff I didn't even think about at the time and now the wall must be crumbling down ,because all of these things are pouring into my consciousness....it is just so disappointing. If it were just me I would leave right now, tonight...scratch that, kick him out tonight! But I have kids to think about....how do you explain something like this to kids?

[troubleinrivercity]

Oh and also about the stripper at husbands birthday party......

I invited that OW because I knew that my husband and she were friends, as he always talked about her. I had no clue at the time that she was a potential OW, just one of his many friends from work.

I thought it was a little weird that she [potential OW] did not show up at the party. When I ushered that sleazy stripper out before she could dance, I asked her who had paid her to come and that is how I knew that [potential] OW had sent her to party.

[MrsHellnoFire]

next step in your plan of action?

maybe someone who has been through it can make suggestions.

you sound like you want to work on the marriage for the children. are you completely happy in this situation? are the children the only reason? how old are the kids? the younger, the more able to adapt imo and grow up feeling natural in the given situation. more like 5 and under. could you live with the fact that your husband cheated on you? are you financially reliant? do you think your husband has any guilt and really loves you enough that he would put this side-life aside to help the marriage? i think if they are at that point where they absolve themselves of any guilt by rationalizing their affairs (or possibly not feel guilt because they just dont feel the same about their wives anymore), there is not much hope that they will remain honest when the affair IS exposed.. so they will likely just cheat again. if they know you are completely dependent on them for much of everything, that likely will play a factor in how much they feel they could get away with as well.

stupid? no.. everyone has their comfort zones. and some never come close to suspecting someone that they LOVE SO MUCH would do something like this to them and avoid all the signs; never as much putting any of it together. denial is a huge factor too. who would want to believe something like this? also some women and even men really dont want to know.

vacation? kind of infuriating. dont YOU deserve the vacation too?

 

YOu just have to ask yourself at the end of the day:

What kind of life is this? Is this the kind of life I can live with for X amount of years?

he's saving his sex life for someone else possibly and you deserve 100% of him imo.

[woundedspouse]

Troubled,

 

I am in a bit of a time crunch ( 3 soccer games) but i did not want to leave you hanging......... I am giving you the following opinions / suggestionns assuming you are not yet ready for a PI or to confront him. Take it for what it is worht. but IMHO it is far past time to "confront" ( hate that word ) him in a calm and rational manner if you can.........

 

Thanks for book suggestion. I bought it and it is great book with lots of useful suggestions.

 

So Glad that you got it. IT has been a good "guide", if you will. I know everyone's story is their own, but it has some good practical and objective advice.

 

 

I wonder why someone would buy new condoms when there were plenty expired ones left in the house to use for masturbation if that is indeed what he is using them for?And why not alert wife so that she does not freak out if she finds them.

 

I missed the part that there were old ones he could have used. I am afraid it looks like he is having sex in your home then. Is that possible? DO you work outside of the home? Would he have time enough there alone? He surely doesn't bring used condoms home in his pocket.........well unless he WANTS to be caught ( and sometimes they do). As far as if he were using them to MB, well guys get embarassed, no matter how old they are ...........and it does not sound like you have open communication, particularly in regtards to sex, so......

 

And he has quite a few really nifty new underpants.

 

DING DING DING...anothe huge sign.........

 

 

He has been going to the gym almost everyday supposedly. If he really was working out all of the times he claims to be, he would look like Arnold Schwarzenegger by now.

 

I'm guessing he doesn't, based on that comment. ASk him to start working out with him. Have a gym bag ready and see how he reacts.

 

 

When you did the confrontation, how did you approach that?

 

He had been out of town. I had the kids at my moms overnight the night his flight came in. THe house was dark and I was waiting on the front porch. HE asked what I was doing sitting out in the dark, after having gone through the house looking for kids & I. I told him I had abviously been in teh dark a LONG time, so it seemed appropriate. HE was all "what are you talking about???" I told him I KNEW EVERYTHING ( I did not. I only had my suspicions, and like you they were MORE than enough ) I told him that IF it were to be remotely possible ( and if it was what he wanted) he had ONE CHANCE to come clean with everything. HE continued with the IDK what you are talking about. I told him to get back into his car and not to come home until he could talk to me like a man. Like the man he was PRETENDING to be........... I finally wor him down. HE KNEW I was serious. He wants to keep his family. He came MOSTLY clean. It was the hardest night of my entire life, adn I ahve had some doozies along the way. Be prepared to hear more than you think you know. No matter what you do, you will never be fully prepared for the hurt you will experience.

 

And what did you mean by tearing the house apart? I am going to have an opportunity to do that soon...give me tips.

 

Well, it means what it says. I went through every nook and cranny. I opened every box and painstakingly went through every piece of paper in teh boxes he has had for years and all of the stuff he brought home when he retired. I went into his antique gun cabinet ( into the gun cases, and every pocket inside of there. I looked in pages of books. I looked through the workshop and the out buildings, again in every nook and cranny. I was exhausted. But I found something in almost every space I looked. I found pictures he was dumb enough to keep. The condoms were hidden in the garage in an OLD file cabinet, way in the back under some olg historical TIME LIFE mags......... I looked in tool boxes. I gained access through my computer to his hotmail , etc............ I sent email pretending to be him from our home email account trying to get passwords, etc.... It worked on some of them. I called the cell & the phone co and told them I needed old records as we were having issues with our daughter and I needed to look up history ( I lied). I did EVERYTHING I could think of.

 

Have no access to his computer. Or bank accounts to check spending.

 

Neither do I. Well I do NOW but I did not before.

 

He 'forgets ' to turn his cell phone on most of the time and does not have voicemail, so he can be gone long stetches of time without me knowing where he is. Locks car and keeps keys in unknown place. Briefcase left in locked car. Very suspicious.

 

Get a copy of his key made while he is home some time. THe opportunity will present itself. AS for his cell, ???? How old are your kids? Tell him you need him to be mor eresponsible about it as you and the kids need to be able to contact him, even if it is just to say hi when you miss him, since he is working so hard..........LOLOL:sick:

 

What man does not want sex for years, unless he is getting it elsewhere?.

 

Well, without all of the other stuff, this is not reason alone. HOw old is he? Men at a certain age start having "some" ED and it is terribly embarassing for them. This could be lasck of desire, fear of performance issues, etc.......... If he is MB enough, the desire is there, just the intimacy with you is not.

 

Could he have picked up an STD which would be hard to explain to his faithful wife who no longer needs condoms for birth control. Pretty strange to wear a condom if there was no possibility of her getting pregnant, don't you think?

 

 

COuld this be the case? of course. It could also mean a million other things. TRY not to paint a story you don;t KNOW in your mind. THat movie running through your head will only hurt you. I say this from EXPERIENCE>

 

The thing is, I am just not sure.

 

You will never be SURE until he admits it. I think you have a pretty good idea though, whether you want to admit it or not.......

 

 

He is a great guy [if not screwing around] ...I mean well respected by everyone, great Dad, loved by his family and mine and all of his coworkers [especially [potentially] the OW[haha].

 

Believe me, my DH is highly respected. Coaches soccer / cub scouts, involved at school, respected in business. Thinking this stuff keeps them from cheating is like saying only bad people get cancer. ONly scum bags drink too much. THere is no socio / economical background that KEEPS anyone from straying.

 

The potential OW woman avoids me completley. If you are such great friends with someone's husband, don't you want to get to know the person's wife?. I have lots of male friends and am very friendly to their wives. No one ever suspects me as an OW or is jealous of their husbands relationship with me because I clearly am being honest with my male friends wives. They don't ever think that I am going to try to jump in the sack with their husband!

 

 

Again DING DING DING

 

I invited the potential OW to husbands birthday party. She did not come, but sent a stripper, which was really in great taste, since family was there , including our young kids. I manged to get the stripper out of there before she did her thing.

 

Umm, not even sure how to answer that one........:sick::eek:

 

Okay , both H and have the same Dr. . Last time I went in for a physical, the Dr said "So, how is it going with the viagra?" I said "HUH?" He said "You know, the viagra, I gave your husband those samples.." he must have seen the look on my face and he knew he had messed up, so he said "Oh, I must have gotten mixed up, I give out a lot of samples, I must be mistaken"... What the h#$%?

 

To quote you What the h#$%? :sick:

 

 

 

ANother little piece of advice, call the cell company and home phone. Make sure your DETAILED billing is turned on. YOu can get GPS devices to attach to his car. YOu can get digital recorders that are voice activated that you could hide in his car. YOU could set up a video camera so tape what he is doing with the condoms. Or you could hire a PI to do this for you. Or you could just confront him.

 

Whatever you decide be sure to talk to an attorney first. THis does not mean you have to get divorced. This is to get advice to protect yourself in the event he does not want to work it out. Stash some $$ if you can. Liars and cheater are capable of all of the things we could never imagine doing.... Get some advice legally.........

 

Most imprtantly TAKE CARE OF YOU!!!!!!

[nittygritty]

Find out what the divorce laws are where you live. If you live in a no-fault state hiring a P.I. is a waste of money. Unless, you need to know for yourself and in that case only hire one to do Surveillance only!

 

You can find out everything you need to know yourself. Check itemized cell phone bills and credit card statements. Is it possible for you to take his keys in the middle of the night and either go through his car or go make copies of his keys at a store thats open all night that does that? If you don't think you can be gone for that long during the night without him noticing then have a friend or family member meet outside your house that you can give his keys to go make copies of them. I know it sounds difficult but where there is a will there is a way.

 

He is using marital assets to go on a 10 day trip and more than likely he's taking the OW with him. I wouldn't put up with it. You really need to talk to an attorney. It sounds like he keeps all financial information from you which could mean he's also hiding financial assets and protecting himself financially and possibly preparing for divorce. You need to be doing the same thing and that requires knowing what the laws are in your area.

 

You can find out what most laws are by googling for the information.

 

Are you on his car title? If so, you may be able to get an extra copy of a key from the dealership. If not, try to make a set.

 

Have you looked through his closet, clothes dressers, desks, etc. Go through everything in your house looking for info. Start making pop in visits to his work. Just to say hi or see if he can go to lunch.

 

You may need to actually file for divorce to get him to leave the house and even then you have to wait for a temporary court order that says he has to leave the residence. You also will need to get temporary custody of the kids awarded to you. I wouldn't let this fester much longer you need to do something.

[woundedspouse]

Find out what the divorce laws are where you live. If you live in a no-fault state hiring a P.I. is a waste of money. Unless, you need to know for yourself and in that case only hire one to do Surveillance only!

 

Divorce is 50 / 50 in no fault states.

 

 

Settlemet / alimony / child support is quite another.

 

 

Judges do NOT look kindly on adultery. Having PROOF is ALWAYS helpfyul in court. Judges cannot rule on "hunches" and circumstantial evidence. That is why evry shred I have is in a safety box.

 

I was advised by a VERY GOOD atty, that I could all but be gauranteed a HEFTY settlement. I would get 1/2 the house / savings / business / 401K due to divorce & 50 / 50. THe fact that I have been a SAHM GREAT wife to a unfaithful husband while I was fighting cancer pretty much awards me a HUGE alimony settlement above & beyond 50 / 50 .... and child support.

[troubleinrivercity]

All right, I will try to post again.

I write all these long posts and hit submit and they disappear.

IN answer to some of the questions above:

I am financially self reliant. Could I take care of myself, kids and house it needed? Yes. Do I want to? No. I have worked as a professional thoughout all of our married life right up to the day that each of our children were born. I have always pulled my weight and more.Always did 90% of child care, household care and put everyone else's needs before mine. In fact, a recent comment by him was "You do too much for me". I guess that sounds a little guilty, huh? That is why my theory is that he is trying to set me off by doing really crazy mid life crisis types of things to try to get a bad reaction from me. What wife would tolerate any of these things that he is doing? I am referring to the overt acts of defiance, like spending huge amouts of money on toys for himself, the disappearing acts, the trips to exotic places alone...even others have commented that their wives would kill them if they tried to pull these stunts...and I don't go around asking for sympathy..people just observe these things..

I checked with the airline, and it was easy to find out that he was traveling alone, at least on the outward bound flight. I plan to go ut to garage at least minute and get in car to take him to the airport. That way, I will have his car to search through and way to get his car keys copied. My instincts say that there is something in that car. And if something in this house, I will find it while he is gone.

This is war. He should have had the sense to make better judgements around a woman who has out her heart in his hands for the last 20 years.

I appreciate the help you are all giving me. Please comment further...

[MrsHellnoFire]

When is he set to go on his trip?

Wouldn't it be interesting if you set a trip to go there maybe his fifth day in just to surprise him? Or hired a PI out THERE to watch him for a couple nights.

[troubleinrivercity]

He is scheduled to leave next week.

[troubleinrivercity]

So, I has the opportunity to do some snooping. Did not have to dig too far to find book detailing gay sexual escapades. I guess the correct term would be homoerotic literture.Holy Christ, do straight men ever read things like that?

Help me! Advice please.

[nittygritty]

So, I has the opportunity to do some snooping. Did not have to dig too far to find book detailing gay sexual escapades. I guess the correct term would be homoerotic literture.Holy Christ, do straight men ever read things like that?

Help me! Advice please.

 

 

When I first read your original post my first thought was that he's gay.

 

No sex in 3 years is a looong time and most cheating husbands still have sex with their wife.

[KATANYA]

Quote:

Originally Posted by troubleinrivercity

So, I has the opportunity to do some snooping. Did not have to dig too far to find book detailing gay sexual escapades. I guess the correct term would be homoerotic literture.Holy Christ, do straight men ever read things like that?

Help me! Advice please.

 

 

When I first read your original post my first thought was that he's gay.

 

No sex in 3 years is a looong time and most cheating husbands still have sex with their wife.

 

When I read your posts, I too wondered if he were gay. That's the only thing that made sense given the '3years no sex' issue. Even having an affair with an OW, most WH still have sex with their wives, etc. But your comment that he avoids being alone with you, etc. doesn't sound like the norm for cheating men to me.

 

If you can access his computer, find out which sites he has been visiting - I'm guessing you are about to find much more than you bargained for!