forbidden fruit Posted October 19, 2007 Posted October 19, 2007 I broke NC and I am so unhappy with myself. I cannot live with him and cannot live without him. He is never going to be who I want him to be, but I cannot move on!! We talked and talked and went around in circles. He is comfortable with his life and while he loves me he cannot leave and he thinks I do not have a good reason for leaving my marriage either. He said he is unhappy,but he can live this way for the rest of his life. He is too old to start over. So I have all of my answers , but he still wants to be my friend and hang out. Can you believe the audacity. So I am stuck and not sure what to do. NC was hell and being with him is hell. I am in a no win situation. P.S. He looks terrible, very tired and very unhappy.
bestadvisor Posted October 19, 2007 Posted October 19, 2007 Shame on you! You need to do two things now: 1) Come clean with your husband. 2) Tell his wife everything. Exposing it will end it.
whichwayisup Posted October 19, 2007 Posted October 19, 2007 Ofcourse he wants to be your friend. He wants an emotional affair again! He wants you to meet that need - Extra bit of excitement in his life. THAT is not friendship... What do you want FF? Do you want to leave your husband and have a friendship with this man? Have the affair start over? Take time to think about exactly what it is you want from him. He wants friendship. What do YOU want from him? By breaking NC with him, what was solved? Sure, you got the answers finally - He isn't leaving his wife, he is happy enough and doesn't want to start over. You also know from recent and past experience, you cannot be 'friends' with him. For so many reasons, but number one - Because of your husband. Trust me, he does NOT want you being the MM's friend. I thought you said the exMM was moving?
OWoman Posted October 19, 2007 Posted October 19, 2007 FF it looks like the answers you got were the answers you already had. But at least he's confirmed them from his own mouth, so you don't have to worry any longer about whether or not you're interpreting things correctly. He's said there's no future together, that you have no reason to leave your husband. You need to think about that carefully - do you agree? If you want to build a future with your husband, you need to move on from this mental slavery to a guy who's told you now, again, that he doesn't want a future with you. If you're feeling ambivalent, or worried about your resolve, why not do what WWIU has suggested and let everyone in in on the secret, so that they can all support you by helping prevent those opportunities which undermine you? PS Good luck. Just because you gave in once, doesn't mean you're not up to this.
SoxPrincess Posted October 19, 2007 Posted October 19, 2007 I'm going to give you the same advice I just gave in another thread: NC= no contact & NO NEW HURT! Yes, you got "answers", but you're hurting again..plus you didn't get the answers you were seeking (I'm assuming); so was it worth it? At any rate, you did get answers so that means there should be zero reason for you to break NC again. Have you exposed the A to his wife & to your husband? It's always been my belief (although not the general belief on this board & I AM an xOMW) that the best way to ensure that the A ends, especially when both parties are married, is to make sure his wife knows and your husband knows. If you want to reconcile with your H, exposing the A and letting the truth out is the only way to do this properly, IMHO. You fell down...pick yourself back up again, remind yourself of the hurt you feel now & the hurt you felt during the A and go NC from here on out. I wish you lots of luck!
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 19, 2007 Posted October 19, 2007 FF, let me share with you the "clown story". I saw this on another board, and it makes sense: A man was walking down a long hallway, and saw a door. He knocked on the door, and a clown opened the door and punched the man square in the face and slammed the door. The man stood up and walked away. The next day, he found himself in the same hallway, and went and knocked on the door thinking he had somehow imagined the previous day. The clown opens the door, and punched the man in the face again, and slams the door. Each day, unable to believe what he has had happen he goes and knocks on the door. Each day, he gets punched in the face. One day, bruised, bleeding and missing a few teeth he finds himself in the hallway and knocks on the door. No one answers. No clown. He keeps knocking and knocking. So what does he do? He goes looking for the clown. You looked for the clown, you found him, and you know what? He punched you in the face again. You know what he will do next time? He will punch you in the face. Every time you look for the clown, you will get that punch in the face. How to solve the problem? STOP LOOKING FOR THE CLOWN. I'm sorry to hear this happened and that you are hurting, FF but it is not a surprise. If you agree to "be friends and hang out" with this guy, you will be with the clown on a daily basis. How many punches in the face can you take, FF? Is that really the sort of "friendship" you need in your life, in your family's life?
Meaplus3 Posted October 19, 2007 Posted October 19, 2007 I broke NC and I am so unhappy with myself. I cannot live with him and cannot live without him. He is never going to be who I want him to be, but I cannot move on!! We talked and talked and went around in circles. He is comfortable with his life and while he loves me he cannot leave and he thinks I do not have a good reason for leaving my marriage either. He said he is unhappy,but he can live this way for the rest of his life. He is too old to start over. So I have all of my answers , but he still wants to be my friend and hang out. Can you believe the audacity. So I am stuck and not sure what to do. NC was hell and being with him is hell. I am in a no win situation. P.S. He looks terrible, very tired and very unhappy. FF, Don't beat yourself up here as you have come along way. Breaking NC is not the end of the world my friend. Try your best to stick to NC again and put him aside. If he's never going to be the man you want him to be then why have anything to do with him?? Hug's! AP:)
PoshPrincess Posted October 19, 2007 Posted October 19, 2007 FF, let me share with you the "clown story". I saw this on another board, and it makes sense: A man was walking down a long hallway, and saw a door. He knocked on the door, and a clown opened the door and punched the man square in the face and slammed the door. The man stood up and walked away. The next day, he found himself in the same hallway, and went and knocked on the door thinking he had somehow imagined the previous day. The clown opens the door, and punched the man in the face again, and slams the door. Each day, unable to believe what he has had happen he goes and knocks on the door. Each day, he gets punched in the face. One day, bruised, bleeding and missing a few teeth he finds himself in the hallway and knocks on the door. No one answers. No clown. He keeps knocking and knocking. So what does he do? He goes looking for the clown. You looked for the clown, you found him, and you know what? He punched you in the face again. You know what he will do next time? He will punch you in the face. Every time you look for the clown, you will get that punch in the face. How to solve the problem? STOP LOOKING FOR THE CLOWN. I'm sorry to hear this happened and that you are hurting, FF but it is not a surprise. If you agree to "be friends and hang out" with this guy, you will be with the clown on a daily basis. How many punches in the face can you take, FF? Is that really the sort of "friendship" you need in your life, in your family's life? I love the story! Excellent. I'll have to remember the Clown next time I'm tempted to contact mm. FF, I know it is hard for you to avoid mm but it doesn't sound like things are going to get any better between the two of you and staying friends will only hinder your recovery of the A. Don't beat yourself up about breaking NC. When you fall off the horse, don't give up horseriding, just get right back on and carry on!!!!! You know what I mean! Lots of luck, you can do it! x
whichwayisup Posted October 19, 2007 Posted October 19, 2007 Breaking NC is not the end of the world my friend. I agree and I'll take this a step further. It could have been worse. You two could have ended up making out! Atleast by breaking the NC you got the answers, he was honest with you. You may not have liked what he had to say, but he did tell you what you needed to hear to move on. Now, start NC over again and stick to it. In your heart, your mind, MAKE yourself let go and move on. Focus that energy into your kids and husband.
GreenEyedLady Posted October 19, 2007 Posted October 19, 2007 I cannot live with him and cannot live without him. He is never going to be who I want him to be, but I cannot move on!! He is comfortable with his life and while he loves me he cannot leave and he thinks I do not have a good reason for leaving my marriage either. He said he is unhappy,but he can live this way for the rest of his life. He is too old to start over. So I have all of my answers , but he still wants to be my friend and hang out. Can you believe the audacity. So I am stuck and not sure what to do. NC was hell and being with him is hell. I am in a no win situation. P.S. He looks terrible, very tired and very unhappy. Maybe he can live this way the rest of his life, but can you? You have your answers, yet you don't want to accept them. It looks as if you have to accept his answers or move on...He was honest with you...He says he can live this way the rest of his life... What are you going to do with that information? He basically told you he wants to spend the rest of his life with his W...Where's the audacity in that? He is married to her...He is one of the men who want their cake and eat it too... Now is the time for you to get mad and move on...You already have a man under your roof who wants to spend the rest of his life with you...I think maybe you should look at spending more time focusing on him, as your MM has made his choice... (((HUGS)))
Author forbidden fruit Posted October 20, 2007 Author Posted October 20, 2007 Yesteryday was excruciating. Xmm met and I read him a letter I wrote and stated everything I was feeling and got my own closure. I got out of the car and he told me he wants to be friends and kissed me goodbye. I held it together until i got home and then lost it an cried for about four hours. Finally this was the end and after two years I realized it. Talk about an emotional breakdown. I remeber we are going to some friends house for dinner and so I pull it together before my H comes home. We go to friends house and xmm shows up with family. My host forget to tell me they invited them. I head straight for a drink. Xmm is so happy to see me and my family. We all start having a few cocktails and for a couple hours I forget about all my problems and remeber all the good times we had. So xmm leaves and my friends wife turns to me and says do you know mm is in love with you. I am caught off guard and say no we are just friends and she says no he loves you i can tell . He looks to you for affirmation and he looks at you all the time when you are not even looking at him. WTF- I am stunned and to say I am not screwed and hungover would be a understatement. I feel there is no end to my pain....
OWoman Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 I am stunned and to say I am not screwed and hungover would be a understatement. I feel there is no end to my pain.... Strength, FF.
whichwayisup Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 Then tell your husband everything. You owe that to him...Tell him about your conversation, the kiss, everything. FF, it's the only way to move on. You and the exMM cannot be 'friends'. It isn't fair to your husband, nor his wife.
bunset Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 FF, When xMM and I went NC (because his W found out) He was miserable and emailed me, phoned me... Each time I asked, "If you want to R w/W, why are you contacting me? Does she know?" He told me that he needs time to work on finding what he really wants. I knew he couldn't do that with me "still in the picture". We made several more "goodbye" emails and a phone call. And that was that. While I was tormented, it was obvious to everyone else in the world that something was wrong with me. I felt compelled to break NC, but knew that wouldn't do at all. I told my H. He went crazy, fell into an awful depression and made everything hell for a while. But I sure enough didn't break NC. I didn't need 3 other people wanting me to disappear from the face of the earth. During my H rampage, he threatened OM and renewed his hell, almost 3 months after we went NC! And I went further off the deep end to send xOM an apology for disturbing his peace, again. I got no response - thank goodness! It's been over a year and H and I are still working very, very hard at reconciliation. We're rebuilding a 17 year M from the ground up. H still monitors my emails. He can ask me anything about my activities, calls, etc. I still fight depression and H is still worried it's the xOM that bothers me. I've told him, it's me and what happened, not xOM. xMM never made me any promises, other than our mutual promise to not hold the other in contempt when/if it went bad. That's useless, because we need to live as if the other doesn't exist. It works. I don't wonder what's up with them, and they don't worry about me. FF, First, I believe you need personal, individual counseling. Then get MC. You may want to tel H by then, so he can help you with NC, and rebuild your M, find what's missing, and rebuild yourself. I DO so know how it hurts, but it will stop. xMM has told you that he won't allow you to 'help' him. Let it go. You can do it and you will be a stronger, healthier person, on the other side. Hugs ((((FF))))
waiting4heaven Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 Forbidden I know this is going to sound really bad but I am glad I am not the only one who keeps returning to take more crap from a heartless man! I read your post and it sounded so much like what I am attempting to do right now. I said my last good-bye last night and have thus far kept to my word.....for once!!! I aways say I am leaving and don't and I keep getting punched.....Be proud that you have made it this far and just chalk it up as a small mistake and learn from it!!! If you need anything please feel free to contact me. Sounds like we are dating the dame species....and being friends with the wife/husband. I do not have any intentions due to his job of ever telling my husband or his wife but I do not think that is the correct decision for everyone so do what you need to do to make you happy....and safe!!! Best Wishes....Be strong..
Author forbidden fruit Posted October 22, 2007 Author Posted October 22, 2007 Forbidden I know this is going to sound really bad but I am glad I am not the only one who keeps returning to take more crap from a heartless man! I read your post and it sounded so much like what I am attempting to do right now. I said my last good-bye last night and have thus far kept to my word.....for once!!! I aways say I am leaving and don't and I keep getting punched.....Be proud that you have made it this far and just chalk it up as a small mistake and learn from it!!! If you need anything please feel free to contact me. Sounds like we are dating the dame species....and being friends with the wife/husband. I do not have any intentions due to his job of ever telling my husband or his wife but I do not think that is the correct decision for everyone so do what you need to do to make you happy....and safe!!! thank you for that and yes we are in the same situation both tied to abusive narcissists. I think it is safe to say I will not tell my H anything now because i am not in control of my emotions and not sure how to deal with him let alone myself. I am still so wrapped up in my feeling about my A that I cannot see the forest from the trees and once I tell my H my life will change forever as well as my children. I am not mentally strong enough to do that now, but after counseling I most likely will tell him bcause he deserves to know. As far as what is going on right now is pretty much hell. I had to go to party and of course xmm shows up. He acts like no big deal and now he thinks everything is great and we are back to being firiends. I put on this huge act in front of my h and his w so they think everything is copestatic. Xmm of course is in all his glory because he got to have A and walk away smelling like a rose and i am devastated and in a state of shock. He really must of lied the whole time if he can act like seeing me is no big deal. The weird thing is he actually looked happy with his wife when not more than three weeks ago he was telling me how miserable and unhappy he was with her and telling me we were moving. I guess I am in denial and I don't see how being friends with him is going to work as he thinks it is. Why did he tell me he was so in love with me if he just went straight back to the same situation with nothing solved???? I still don't get it and maybe I never will? How do I let him know I am not on board with the friends thing as he thinks I am. Why would i be happy with just friend when I wanted more?
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 1. I guess I am in denial and I don't see how being friends with him is going to work as he thinks it is. 2. Why did he tell me he was so in love with me if he just went straight back to the same situation with nothing solved???? 3. I still don't get it and maybe I never will? 4. How do I let him know I am not on board with the friends thing as he thinks I am. 5. Why would i be happy with just friend when I wanted more? 1. Its not. He is the one in denial about this whole 'friends' thing. 2. Because his need for the status quo outweighed any feelings he has/had for you. 3. You'll get it, but it will take time. It will take longer since you are so close in proximity, and still cross paths. 4. By cutting him off and refusing to be his friend. Actions speak louder than words. His actions speak plenty loud. Yours can too. 5. You wouldn't. He knows that, he just doesn't care. He wants what works for him, not what is best for you.
Author forbidden fruit Posted October 22, 2007 Author Posted October 22, 2007 1. Its not. He is the one in denial about this whole 'friends' thing. 2. Because his need for the status quo outweighed any feelings he has/had for you. 3. You'll get it, but it will take time. It will take longer since you are so close in proximity, and still cross paths. 4. By cutting him off and refusing to be his friend. Actions speak louder than words. His actions speak plenty loud. Yours can too. 5. You wouldn't. He knows that, he just doesn't care. He wants what works for him, not what is best for you. So what you are saying is I am back in Nc mode and he does not even know it. He is so glib about the whole situation and it makes me sick. The fact he can sit across from my h and talk to him after doing what we have done wants to mae me throwup. It takes everything I have to sit across from his W. Yesterday she buttoned up his shirt in front of me and I thought I would die. Good thing I had alot to drink because the whole thing is more than I can bear at this time. I am sure a year from now I am going to look back and won't believe how I ever fell for this loser and it will be his loss.
imstunned Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 FF - there is little chance of me bumping into my exmm- I honestly am so grateful for that. You are showing huge strength - it must me near enough impossible when you have to see him often. Keep it up. x
Meaplus3 Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 FF - there is little chance of me bumping into my exmm- I honestly am so grateful for that. You are showing huge strength - it must me near enough impossible when you have to see him often. Keep it up. x FF, I agree with what imstunned said here about you showing huge strength, because you are!!! :)Try to remember that when your faced with a bad day. You know I realize how VERY difficult this type of situation is with having your xmm reside nextdoor, it VERY rough, VERY rough. The fact that you have been able to push him away as much as you have done in the past is good FF, it show's that perhap's one day soon you will be able to push him away for good. I know this hurt's but do your very best to keep a little contact as possible. Hug's!!! AP:)
Author forbidden fruit Posted October 23, 2007 Author Posted October 23, 2007 Thank you Ap. It seems your like you have gotten to the perfect wih your xmm. i am sure he will wonder if he is an A**. The difference between your xmm and mine is that i have said all those mean things to him more than once and he does not care. He is like Teflon and nothing bothers him. The only thing that might bother him is if I told his W, and not because he loves her but because what he would lose financially. I still don't understand why everyone around me can see what type of guy he is and i cannot. I still beleive he is playing me with this let's be friends things. It is his convienient way of saying let's be friends until I get horny and I need companionship, sex and intimacy. What do you guys think?
Meaplus3 Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 Thank you Ap. It seems your like you have gotten to the perfect wih your xmm. i am sure he will wonder if he is an A**. The difference between your xmm and mine is that i have said all those mean things to him more than once and he does not care. He is like Teflon and nothing bothers him. The only thing that might bother him is if I told his W, and not because he loves her but because what he would lose financially. I still don't understand why everyone around me can see what type of guy he is and i cannot. I still beleive he is playing me with this let's be friends things. It is his convienient way of saying let's be friends until I get horny and I need companionship, sex and intimacy. What do you guys think? FF, Well he is a guy and if he still think's the door is open for Sex with you then I am sure he would want to keep it open to suite his need's. He's very selfish! If you want him out of your life FF, you have to want it and I belive that you do. You need to turn back the tables in your favor and shut the door on the friendship if you want this to ever end. I feel for you though because if you have said a bunch of mean thing's to him in the past then it's got to be tough that he still comes around. Unlike my sitch with mm, I was so nice sweet and kind and never once stood up to him like I needed to. Now that I did I have a feeling that I won't be a woman in his Fantasies anymore and he will NO longer stand outside, look over and try to make his presence known! Hug's. AP:)
lost4ever Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 FF, Wow! I want nothing to do with my MM and I still can't imagine having to sit in a room with his W and my H, I would die..( and I couldn't drink b/c I really wouldn't be able to hold it in) I could see the drama now, oh man this could have been way worse, I give you credit! I wouldn't beat yourself up too much over MM thing, I broke up with my MM 3-4 times before the last time, and I was so sad and angry and tired and missed him so much that I would break down after a day (sometimes I would make it to two) The time will come when you do not care about his actions anymore, the last time I broke it off it was really easy, this time, really easy, I was just ready. (now what I think about your M is another thread ) keep strong and remember, as hard as it may be, he didn't call you because he couldn't live without you: You contacted him...he would have let you walk away without ever talking to you again, you contacted him, He would have let you to not be friends, but you contacted him....I am sorry but don't let yourself get back into this situation! Remember what we said when we first started NC, we knew we could contact MM at anytime and everything would go back to the way it was, but as soon as we contacted them they would think the way it was, was good enough because we came back
Nyx Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 FF. Your situation is rather different from most OWs in that you have to live this facade in front of your husband your MM and his wife. I cannot begin to imagine the burden of responsiblity you had to endure during the dinner. The happiness, or at the very least equilibrulum of a number of people some of whom you hold very dear, was lying squarely on your shoulders. I think you showed huge courage to get through that night without having a nervous breakdown! So you broke NC. What it meant to him is neither here nor there, but it was important to you to read out that letter that I expect you spent hours agonizing over. I suspect you needed to tell him how you felt otherwise it would eat you up inside so you did the right thing. It may be a stupid question, but have you thought about moving? Is there somewhere you've always wanted to live, somewhere you want the kids to grow up? Yes, I know you shouldn't have to and it would be great if you could wave a magic wand and all the heartache would disappear, but if you and your family ever talked about living somewhere else, maybe now would be the time to make a fresh start? IMO you don't need to tell you husband anything yet. No one will benefit from it if you think there is a long term future for the marriage. You've been strong so far - hang in there.
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