MrsHellnoFire Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 Sounds innocent. He's twice her age for pete's sake and sounds more like a family-like fixture than anything. I don't see anything wrong with it. BUT considering her cheating past, what do I know? But I'd be more concerned with the guy she had sex with in florida.
Faith4u Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 I am a woman, I was friends only with someone for over 9 years. The thing is that I liked him but I never told him or never went out with him and when I was already with someone that I love, and that was years after, he told me how much he liked me- we decided to remain friends, I was getting married. When my marriage was not doing well ( long story) and that was years after too, guess what happened? I was close already to him and got closer- one day, we did the mistake and now... i am trying to un-do it...! I am saying all that to you so you know that you can not guarantee that she can feel the same way about him years from now. It is best that you are around if he is around. Call me old fashioned- I learn from my mistake! ---------------------- My wife started going out on thursday nights and almost always meets up with her parents neighbor. He is 45 and she is 21. They have known each other for about 10 years. She says that he is more like a brother to her and that he makes sure no one gets close to her when they are out. They usually go to a few clubs where we are friends with the DJ's..I am also friends with this guy and he seems harmless but.......a man is a man and I know how we operate. She does talk to him a couple of times a week on the phone. I ask her if she is attracted to him and her answer is GROSS he is twice my age and i have known him forever. I am thinking to much into this???
bish Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 I am of the opinion that married people should never have opposite sex friends unless the opposite sex friend is friends with BOTH people in the couple. I agree!!!!!
bish Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 so eventhough we are both friends with this guy...everyone thinks that they will hook up eventually... is that right??? More than likely....it would be one thing MAYBE if they did this once in a while...there is a reason they spend so much time together...WITHOUT YOU.
bish Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 Wow! The responses here surprised me. So a married woman can not have single friends of the opposite sex??? Nope I have two great single guy friends who I hang out with. We hang out with my husband and sometimes with out my husband. NEVER have they come onto me or vice versa. Doesn't mean they won't. There seem to be so many untrusting people. Life would be so boring without friends. Oh I'm not saying if you are married that you can't have friends of the opposite sex. I have female friends...but not ones I go out with without my SO. First, they respect me. I'm willing to bet when they are together and you aren't around, they are talking about you in a certain way. Secondly, they respect my husband and third they respect my marriage and our friendship. And you know this how? Because they came right out and said, "hey, I'd never come on to you because I respect you and your husband"?? My husband knows these guys will take care of me when he is not around. Oh...replying to this one is too tempting...but I'll decline. I have even gone on day trips out of town with one of these guys. He looked after me the whole time and made sure nobody bothered me. I am only "allowed" to go out when my husband is out of town if one of these guys is with me. An affair just waiting to happen. What your wife is saying is probably true unless she has ever given you a reason to doubt her and to not trust her. Tell that to people that have been there and done that. The reason you are hearing all the responses you can't believe is because there are alot of people that see and know this situation all too well. And I'll just give you the benefit of the doubt here. The one BIG difference between your situation and this poster's is...he doesn't think everything is rosey with his situation. He is uncomfortable with it. And most of us have been around long enough to know, if something doesn't seem right...it usually and more than likely isn't.
bish Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 Legally seperated as in legally seperated. Not divorced. There is a difference. So you were not divorced. Then you two DID cheat on each other. You can justify it how you want...but if this is the way you two were when simply separated...then I stand by my principle that friends of the opposite sex that you hang out with without your SO is nothing but trouble.
reboot Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 bish is all too right. At the risk of repeating myself, I'll say it again. We're all just human, most of us far too human, and the only way to completely ensure that we don't do something we shouldn't is to never allow ourselves to be in a situation where we can. If you do put yourself in that postion, especially repeatedly, then sooner or later, a fight with the spouse, a death in the family, a problem with a child, a drink or two too many, and boom, you're suddenly just another statistic.
OpenBook Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 bish is all too right. At the risk of repeating myself, I'll say it again. We're all just human, most of us far too human, and the only way to completely ensure that we don't do something we shouldn't is to never allow ourselves to be in a situation where we can. If you do put yourself in that postion, especially repeatedly, then sooner or later, a fight with the spouse, a death in the family, a problem with a child, a drink or two too many, and boom, you're suddenly just another statistic. Then I guess "to each his own." Because I personally would never tolerate being married to someone who forbade me to have friends outside of the M. If he's that insecure about me, then we have no business being married to each other in the first place.
whichwayisup Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 Sounds innocent. He's twice her age for pete's sake and sounds more like a family-like fixture than anything. I don't see anything wrong with it. BUT considering her cheating past, what do I know? But I'd be more concerned with the guy she had sex with in florida. When you're married, (let alone a married 21 year old,) it isn't cool to be hanging out, partying in bars/dance clubs with another (older) man without your spouse. IT just isn't appropriate behaviour. The frequent phone calls too...They are TOO close for comfort.
whichwayisup Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 Then I guess "to each his own." Because I personally would never tolerate being married to someone who forbade me to have friends outside of the M. If he's that insecure about me, then we have no business being married to each other in the first place. There's a big difference between going out with friends, and going out with someone twice your age, afew times a week and talking on the phone. HER intention may be one thing, but we really don't know the older guys intention. And, her husband has every right to be concerned.
reboot Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 Then I guess "to each his own." Because I personally would never tolerate being married to someone who forbade me to have friends outside of the M. If he's that insecure about me, then we have no business being married to each other in the first place.No one "forbids" me anything. My wife doesn't "forbid" me. It's my own choice. If I want to go out to a bar, a concert, a movie, whatever, I'll go with my wife. I married her because I enjoy her company. Why would I want to do these things with another woman?
bish Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 No one "forbids" me anything. My wife doesn't "forbid" me. It's my own choice. If I want to go out to a bar, a concert, a movie, whatever, I'll go with my wife. I married her because I enjoy her company. Why would I want to do these things with another woman? Exactly, this isn't about forbidding anyone to do anything. But if someone's spouse goes out with someone else on a regular basis of the opposite sex and doensn't care how their SO feels about it, then maybe their spouse would rather be with the "friend" they are hitting the town with....hmm?
Author gkaplan000 Posted October 22, 2007 Author Posted October 22, 2007 let me ask a question then.....the OM is totally in love with a girl right now and doesn't date any girls under 30. does that count for anything
Poboy Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 leave the conditions & provisions aside. does it bother you she goes out with him. do you trust her she wont cross the line and same for him. if you trust them both and think they are just friends , let them be. you too went out with them , did it make you uncomfortable or notice something not right. but if you have doubts and have to think twice about this ( since you have come here and asked the questions which means maybe you suspect something & you have doubts ) , do what feels best for you and your marriage... if you trust her & him , dont interfere but if you dont , you need to tell your wife why you think its wrong and how it affects you and the marriage if so and resolve it in the best way possible .
seibert253 Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 A women can think, "oh he's just and friend" and have no intentions, but the guy is thinking "sex, sex, and more sex". Throw some alcohol and "innocent" flirting into the situation and, well you know how it ends.
bish Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 let me ask a question then.....the OM is totally in love with a girl right now and doesn't date any girls under 30. does that count for anything no Who are you trying to convince....us or yourself?
pyroguy Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 Then I guess "to each his own." Because I personally would never tolerate being married to someone who forbade me to have friends outside of the M. If he's that insecure about me, then we have no business being married to each other in the first place. Openbook, the issue is not forbidding. I think most spouses would feel very uncomfortable with their SO going out with members of the opposite sex. I think most would want them not to desire doing that on their own. And, many guys avoid women like this. I know it all seems innocent, fair and open, but if I had a nickel for everytime I heard a woman say they had a male friend and this one time "it just happened", I would be rich by now. Some women seem to have a thing for male friends and seem to like all the drama . They seem to like all these guys snooping around them when they have a boyfriend or husband.
DazedandConfused66 Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 In a married relationship, I think the spouse going out with the opposite sex for dancing, clubbing, drinking, whatever....is just totally inappropriate. In a couples setting, fine. In a party setting where the spouse is present, fine. But dating of any type, even those activities that simply appear to others as a "date," should be reserved for the married couple only. Can a MW be friends with a single guy? Sure she can. Right up until the point the single guy becomes the OM.
Krytie TV Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 I'll say it again. A 20-something year old MARRIED woman should not be hanging out with a man twice her age. Geez, would any of you like YOUR 20 year old husband hanging out with a 45 year old single woman, going to bars, dancing with her, having drinks with her, alone without you? Oh and how about afew calls during the week on the phone too. Agreed. HELLO PEOPLE! Any 45 year old man hanging out and drinking and dancing one-on-one with a woman wants to "do" her. I refuse to think otherwise. Also an important factor here, she has "started" hanging out with this guy. As in, after the marriage. This isn't a life-long drinking buddy... she JUST reached bar age, and they have JUST started schmoozing. Whether you believe it to be right or wrong, it is undoubtedly those people that tolerate this happening with their spouse that end up being cheated on. That decision, OP, is completely up to you. If you want to be cheated on, put on the blinders and full steam ahead my man.
Krytie TV Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 I am thinking to much into this??? On a more helpful note, you really just need to tell your wife it bothers you and that you feel it's inappropriate. If she is willing to compromise with you, great. If not, that says a lot about what kind of team player your wife is. Successful marriages (OK, not that I know what one is) seem to inherently be built on compromise and each person's willingness to accept the other's view, even if they don't agree. If she's unwilling to compromise, you will have a very good idea of what the future holds for you and her.
silktricks Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 My wife started going out on thursday nights and almost always meets up with her parents neighbor. He is 45 and she is 21. They have known each other for about 10 years. She says that he is more like a brother to her and that he makes sure no one gets close to her when they are out. They usually go to a few clubs where we are friends with the DJ's..I am also friends with this guy and he seems harmless but.......a man is a man and I know how we operate. She does talk to him a couple of times a week on the phone. I ask her if she is attracted to him and her answer is GROSS he is twice my age and i have known him forever. I am thinking to much into this??? I haven't read the replies on this thread yet, so may be saying what others have already said. First, the answer is yes, married people most assuredly can have friendships with single people. The issue here, though, isn't what can be, it's what is, and what you feel comfortable with. It seems that you do not feel comfortable with this situation. My question for you, is why aren't you with them? Are you not invited, not interested, or what? I personally would not be OK with my husband going out with another woman for any purpose at all but especially not clubbing (and drinking) if I was not included, nor would such activities on my part be OK with my husband. It's not what the intent is, it's what can possibly happen and the feelings that can arise. Not only the feelings between the two of them, but the feelings within the spouse who isn't included. That type of separation isn't in general going to foster a healthy marriage. So, it isn't that there is anything going on with your wife and her friend, but it's the fact that you aren't there, and that you are showing concern by the very fact of asking the question. And there's the question of what could happen. There's also the question of what do they really have in common that would have them seek out each other's companionship. What does a 21 year-old have to say to a 45 year old that is so interesting that they would have conversations a couple times a week, and go partying weekly? What do thay have in common? Most 45 year olds simply don't find a 21 year-olds conversation that scintillating.
Trialbyfire Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 Most 45 year olds simply don't find a 21 year-olds conversation that scintillating. Even I, at 32, have yet to meet a 21 year-old who's conversation is scintillating, nvm being 45 years old... I do interact with quite a few younguns but never where I would even consider hanging out with them, regularly. A 21 year-old isn't even a well-formed adult yet, no matter how bright.
Blue Eyed Brain Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 Sounds like she is friends with him. Although you may think he has a different take on it, it doesn't matter - you're not married to him. Respect that she is friends with him.
bish Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 Sounds like she is friends with him. Although you may think he has a different take on it, it doesn't matter - you're not married to him. Respect that she is friends with him. No person needs to respect a so-called "friendship" that their SO has with the opposite sex if it seems they are spending WAY TOO MUCH time together and acting like they are dating. That isn't a friendship, that is an affair waiting to happen and showing disrespect to the SO that is sitting at home just taking it.
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