gkaplan000 Posted October 19, 2007 Posted October 19, 2007 My wife started going out on thursday nights and almost always meets up with her parents neighbor. He is 45 and she is 21. They have known each other for about 10 years. She says that he is more like a brother to her and that he makes sure no one gets close to her when they are out. They usually go to a few clubs where we are friends with the DJ's..I am also friends with this guy and he seems harmless but.......a man is a man and I know how we operate. She does talk to him a couple of times a week on the phone. I ask her if she is attracted to him and her answer is GROSS he is twice my age and i have known him forever. I am thinking to much into this???
bestadvisor Posted October 19, 2007 Posted October 19, 2007 "I am thinking to much into this??? " No, you're not. If nothing happens, next week, what about 5 weeks from now, 5 months from now, 2 years down the road. If he is blood related to her, such as her mom's biological brother or her dad's biological brother, I won't be worrying so much, but other than that, be cautious. Imagine this, they are at a bar, had few drinks, the music is playing, maybe dance a little, then a kiss. When this happens, none of them will tell you. The next time, they do the samething, but the kiss last longer. The third time, they end up at his place and you know what could happen there.
bish Posted October 19, 2007 Posted October 19, 2007 My wife started going out on thursday nights and almost always meets up with her parents neighbor. He is 45 and she is 21. They have known each other for about 10 years. She says that he is more like a brother to her and that he makes sure no one gets close to her when they are out. They usually go to a few clubs where we are friends with the DJ's..I am also friends with this guy and he seems harmless but.......a man is a man and I know how we operate. She does talk to him a couple of times a week on the phone. I ask her if she is attracted to him and her answer is GROSS he is twice my age and i have known him forever. I am thinking to much into this??? She has no business going out to clubs with another man no matter who it is....PERIOD.
whichwayisup Posted October 19, 2007 Posted October 19, 2007 I agree with Bish. She's putting herself in situations where something could happen. Not saying she's looking for it, or he is, but all it takes is that ONE moment...They've had too much to drink, dance, look into eachothers eyes....It can just happen and before ya know it, they've kissed. A 45 year old man shouldn't be hanging out and talking to a woman who is 21 years old, let alone a married 21 year old. It just is creepy!
Mr. Lucky Posted October 19, 2007 Posted October 19, 2007 A 45 year old man shouldn't be hanging out and talking to a woman who is 21 years old, let alone a married 21 year old. It just is creepy! My thoughts exactly. What does he get (or expect to get) out of this "friendship" ? Mr. Lucky
reboot Posted October 19, 2007 Posted October 19, 2007 The only way to 100% ensure you're never unfaithful is to never let yourself get into a position where you can be. She is wrong. She has no business doing this. Have you ever asked if you can go along with them?
Author gkaplan000 Posted October 19, 2007 Author Posted October 19, 2007 i do go out with them when i can
dbtmarley Posted October 19, 2007 Posted October 19, 2007 Maybe he's her mother's ex boyfriend and believes he is her daddy. Otherwise no it's not OK. Tell her Thomas said so..
whichwayisup Posted October 19, 2007 Posted October 19, 2007 Well, I'm telling you, she's building a 'friendship' with an older guy. It may be plantonic now, but it WILL eventually lead to something else. Get active and change what is going on NOW before it's too late.
blind_otter Posted October 19, 2007 Posted October 19, 2007 I am of the opinion that married people should never have opposite sex friends unless the opposite sex friend is friends with BOTH people in the couple.
Author gkaplan000 Posted October 19, 2007 Author Posted October 19, 2007 so eventhough we are both friends with this guy...everyone thinks that they will hook up eventually... is that right???
SarahBeth04 Posted October 19, 2007 Posted October 19, 2007 Wow! The responses here surprised me. So a married woman can not have single friends of the opposite sex??? I have two great single guy friends who I hang out with. We hang out with my husband and sometimes with out my husband. NEVER have they come onto me or vice versa. There seem to be so many untrusting people. Life would be so boring without friends. First, they respect me. Secondly, they respect my husband and third they respect my marriage and our friendship. My husband knows these guys will take care of me when he is not around. They are his best friends also. I have even gone on day trips out of town with one of these guys. He looked after me the whole time and made sure nobody bothered me. I am only "allowed" to go out when my husband is out of town if one of these guys is with me. My husband also has single girls as friends that are my friends too. He has been out with them also when I could not go. What your wife is saying is probably true unless she has ever given you a reason to doubt her and to not trust her.
Cobra_X30 Posted October 19, 2007 Posted October 19, 2007 Wow! The responses here surprised me. So a married woman can not have single friends of the opposite sex??? I have two great single guy friends who I hang out with. We hang out with my husband and sometimes with out my husband. NEVER have they come onto me or vice versa. There seem to be so many untrusting people. Life would be so boring without friends. First, they respect me. Secondly, they respect my husband and third they respect my marriage and our friendship. My husband knows these guys will take care of me when he is not around. They are his best friends also. I have even gone on day trips out of town with one of these guys. He looked after me the whole time and made sure nobody bothered me. I am only "allowed" to go out when my husband is out of town if one of these guys is with me. My husband also has single girls as friends that are my friends too. He has been out with them also when I could not go. What your wife is saying is probably true unless she has ever given you a reason to doubt her and to not trust her. Ahem, if I remember correctly you two have cheated on each other already. So, it doesnt sound like your system is working all that well. Besides, this guy has plenty of reason not to trust his wife!
SarahBeth04 Posted October 19, 2007 Posted October 19, 2007 Ahem, over 4 years ago cobra, when we were legally seperated. We have a great foundation as we started over and gave each other the freedom to live. Maybe you should ask the whole story before you pass judgement. What are his reasons for not trusting his wife?
Mr. Lucky Posted October 19, 2007 Posted October 19, 2007 I have two great single guy friends who I hang out with. We hang out with my husband and sometimes with out my husband. NEVER have they come onto me or vice versa. How many of them are twice your age? Mr. Lucky
Cobra_X30 Posted October 19, 2007 Posted October 19, 2007 Ahem, over 4 years ago cobra, when we were legally seperated. We have a great foundation as we started over and gave each other the freedom to live. Maybe you should ask the whole story before you pass judgement. What are his reasons for not trusting his wife? Legally seperated? As in divorced? No judgement, just and observation based on the information provided. However, I do not recommend your system to others, because of its inherent flaws. You may be able to make it work... however your in a low percentage bracket. His wife has already engaged in one emotional affair. She seems intent on pushing boundaries that require his trust. I think she is trying to force him to get over it... or testing his current boundaries. Not a good situation to be honest.
SarahBeth04 Posted October 19, 2007 Posted October 19, 2007 How many of them are twice your age? Mr. Lucky I only have two single guy friends. They are my husbands age which is 4 years older than me. Is the age factor really that significant here? Obiviously you think it is. Just wondering why.
SarahBeth04 Posted October 19, 2007 Posted October 19, 2007 Legally seperated? As in divorced? No judgement, just and observation based on the information provided. However, I do not recommend your system to others, because of its inherent flaws. You may be able to make it work... however your in a low percentage bracket. His wife has already engaged in one emotional affair. She seems intent on pushing boundaries that require his trust. I think she is trying to force him to get over it... or testing his current boundaries. Not a good situation to be honest. Legally seperated as in legally seperated. Not divorced. There is a difference. Our system works great. Part of the reason we seperated in the first place was because we were trying to control each other and mold each other into how we "thought" married persons should act. There is no set way a married person should act. Each marriage is different and based on different reasons. Each person still needs to be able to be who they are and to be friends with whom they want as long as they respect each other and put each other first.
Cobra_X30 Posted October 19, 2007 Posted October 19, 2007 Legally seperated as in legally seperated. Not divorced. There is a difference. Our system works great. Part of the reason we seperated in the first place was because we were trying to control each other and mold each other into how we "thought" married persons should act. There is no set way a married person should act. Each marriage is different and based on different reasons. Each person still needs to be able to be who they are and to be friends with whom they want as long as they respect each other and put each other first. Legally seperated? Ive never heard of that. Maybe because I'm not married. Anyway, I can see why your arraingement works, but you have to understand that it requires first a lot of internal restraint on your part and on that of your husband. It also requires a ton of respect in regards to your marriage from your friends. Those two factors are extrememly rare! So, in most circumstances it's more important to respect your marriage rather than rely on others to do so. If that means you have to give up some guy friends... So what? How important were they to begin with? More important than your husband?
KATANYA Posted October 19, 2007 Posted October 19, 2007 My wife started going out on thursday nights and almost always meets up with her parents neighbor. He is 45 and she is 21. They have known each other for about 10 years. She says that he is more like a brother to her and that he makes sure no one gets close to her when they are out. They usually go to a few clubs where we are friends with the DJ's..I am also friends with this guy and he seems harmless but.......a man is a man and I know how we operate. She does talk to him a couple of times a week on the phone. I ask her if she is attracted to him and her answer is GROSS he is twice my age and i have known him forever. I am thinking to much into this??? Your wife has known this man since she was 11 years old......so she's practically grown up with him around. He would have been 35 at the time. Unless you think he's a pervert or something it sounds like he is a family friend (is he married? divorced? gay? have a significant other? kids?) If you are worried about 'what's going on' you say you are friends with him and many of the DJ's at the clubs she goes to....ask them what they think of him, how he acts, etc. If they are your friends they will tell you the truth. More importantly, when you are all together you must get a sense for their relationship...if you sense there is something more than a friendship, ask her (or him)! If not, accept the friendship for what it is. I personally disagree with the posts that say married people should not have 'friendships' with the opposite sex. That's just not logical. Of course we all have friendships. Cheating is cheating and it will happen regardless of whether the spouse is 'allowed' to have opposite sex friends. To be honest, if your wife was NOT telling you about this man being with her and was not upfront with it maybe I'd be a little more suspicious then. I guess as far as the phone calls, etc., you need to be ok with the limits of their friendship. Would she/is she equally accepting of that kind of friendship between you and a woman? If it works for you two equally then there should be no problem.
KATANYA Posted October 19, 2007 Posted October 19, 2007 Quote: Originally Posted by SarahBeth04 I have two great single guy friends who I hang out with. We hang out with my husband and sometimes with out my husband. NEVER have they come onto me or vice versa. How many of them are twice your age? Mr. Lucky Actually, I want to reply to that comment as well. Without starting another topic (not trying to threadjack here) we have a guy at work who's married who hangs out with myself and another woman (both divorced and now single) all the time. Because we have worked on so many files together we have all gotten to know each other and have become good friends. I actually went to his wedding. We travel together, have lunch together many times and, on occasion must do out of town meetings together. He is only 26 and I am near 40 as is the other woman in the office he is close with. Despite our age differences he is lots of fun to be around, is a very intelligent man and an asset to our office. He is also someone I consider a good friend. I wonder if his wife sees us as threats or if people think that if he continues to hang around with us something will happen eventually.......somehow I doubt its seen the same way when its a younger man/older woman thing! Maybe we are making too many assumptions on the whole "young, 21 year old woman vs. 45 year old man" thing? Just a thought???
michaelk Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 I agree with SarahBeth. I have had female friends all my life. Some of them are single. Never has anything happened between us, nor have I been tempted to make a move on them. My wife knows my female friends and has socialized with them as well. If the OP has been around them when they're together and felt nothing odd, and has always been invited to join in on their social outings, then this is not something to worry about. If you have an open and trusting relationship with your W, treat her accordingly. If you don't, then you've got bigger problems on your hands.
whichwayisup Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 I'll say it again. A 20-something year old MARRIED woman should not be hanging out with a man twice her age. Geez, would any of you like YOUR 20 year old husband hanging out with a 45 year old single woman, going to bars, dancing with her, having drinks with her, alone without you? Oh and how about afew calls during the week on the phone too.
KATANYA Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 On the flip side, however, I think I would prefer my 20 year old husband/wife to be hanging out with a 45 yr old family friend at a bar (who I trust, know and feel comfortable with) as opposed to being out with their other 20 year old guys/girls who may not be married or in committed R's......to me there is a lot more temptation there! 20's are 'party time' so if I had to pick my odds, I'd go for trusting the older friend to the younger singles........JMO.
Mr. Lucky Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 Is the age factor really that significant here? Obiviously you think it is. Just wondering why. The age factor is sigificant because, at 20 and 40, the people involved are at very different places in their lives. The 20-year old may be somewhat naive and not very adept at reading intent and expectation. See him once in a while, socially in a group, sure. Every Thursday night at a bar, alcohol and hormones involved, not my wife. Just my opinion... Mr. Lucky
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