How could I have loved someone like this?

[FooledOnce]

Age 25, on a break after a 5.5 year relationship. One night she went to the bar, kissed some dude, and that was that. She said she needed to take some time to think. Well, it's been 6 weeks and I only seen/talked to her 4 times. Today we went on a lunch date. Everything was fun, like it always is when we're together. Then we came back and talked. Last time we spoke, we had decided that it was going to take effort go get back together. She was willing to switch shifts at work so we could have more time together (she works with her good friends on the eve shift). I, in turn, went to work and worked out a trade so I could have this Saturday off and we could hang-out again. I emailed her to tell her that I had Saturday off and we could go on a date and she said that she was already going on a date with some other guy!

 

Today I asked her what the deal with that was. She told me she'd met this guy about a month ago, he's 21 (read: an effing kid, I have a doctorate!) and he lives 2 hours away. How's that work? I asked. She told me she's been up to see him a couple of times, he's been down here to see her, and they talk on the phone almost every day (steam is absolutely coming out of my ears at this point). I asked her all the questions about what sexual contact they'd had and she answered (none, would have been a total deal breaker). I asked her what he thought of the situation between her and me and she told me she's never told him about me.

 

So now I'm irrate. I told her I feel like I've raised a spoiled-brat of a relationship. I've always spoiled her and bent-over-backwards to make her happy. She's always been the center of all my attention. This relationship that I've loved has turned into a monster on me, sort of like those parents must feel on "My Super-Sweet 16". I told her to leave and come back tomorrow; I have to do some thinking and I'll let her know tomorrow if I ever want to see her again. She got teary when I said this. Then, I went snooping around on her facebook page and found she had sent some secret notes to friends. I read them (I know, I'm awful but what do I have to lose?) and found out the following tidbits: This guy's name, that he's a real cutie, she stays at a friend's place when she goes up to see him, I'm trying to convince her to get back together with me, she doesn't know why she broke up with me and is considering getting back with me but wants to see where things go with this other guy first, and she tries not to think of me because it makes her cry.

 

So, apparently, I'm officially on the back-burner. Taken for granted. What an abuse of space! She was supposed to be thinking about us with her time, not talking to some boy! Unbelievable. How could someone who was a best-friend, a lover, a confidant, and a roomate do this to me?

 

So tomorrow, she's coming over again so I can tell her where I wanna go from here.

 

2 options

 

1) Say have a nice life, I'm done with you. Move back into our apartment and pay the double rent (I would move in with my parents). I give up very little because our current situation is worse than this.

 

2) Say fine, fair is fair. I'm not your boyfriend anyomore, let me compete for you. I get to talk to you on the phone and go on dates with you too. No more keeping me at a distance so you can 'think'. Let's have a dating show-down and may the best man/boy win.

 

Any input on which scenario to choose? The clock is ticking.

[Pentula77]

She's kicking it in ur face man...you either take it or you tell her...

 

Adios baby !

 

Time for some tough love.

[Yamaha]

I would tell her you will be seeing other people as well while you make up your mind about the relationship. You have made yourself a doormat in her eyes so she feels you will be there for her if she decides to get back with you. Time to let her know you have other options as well.

[lexi29]

I've sort of been in your gf's situation before. I was with one of my exes for 5 yrs, we were engaged and living together. I wasn't happy. He didn't treat me like you say you treat your gf though. But thats beside the point. I met another guy (lived 5 hours away- I met him when I was visiting my parents) I, like your girlfriend kissed this guy and wanted to see where it would lead. My bf was successful, an air traffic controller, the love of my life. Yet I wanted something new, I wanted the excitement. the other guy wasn't half what my bf was- he didn't have a good job, etc. I told my bf about kissing the other guy and that I wanted to break up with him and see where it went with the new guy. he was devastated. Understandably. Anyway the moral of my story is you shouldn't try to "win" your gf back. I know you've invested 5.5 years and its a shame she's willing to throw that away.

 

But if you hang around and give her the option of coming back to you she is going to feel comfortable because she can "try out" the new guy and know if it doesn't work out she has you waiting in the wings. And this will actually make it easier for her to have fun and fall in love with the new guy becasue she has you as a security net in case it doesn't work.

 

But if you cut her off, either have no contact with her (and this hurts like hell trust me as I'm going thru it right now) or just tell her to get out and that while she plays around with the boy she's found you are going to be dating new women (even if you aren't ready for this tell her you are going to) and that you aren't waiting around for her. If she wants to make it work, she has to give up her new boy toy and concentrate on your relationship.

 

If she realizes she could lose you (because you aren't going to wait around for her) she will probably reconsider trying to date this new guy and come back to you.

[FooledOnce]

Thanks for your thoughts, everyone. Well, she's coming over in an hour. I went to bed last night thinking that I'd like to try to get out with some dignity. Unfortunately, the wind woke me this morning and reminded me of a precious memory from our past. Then, I showered, which reminded me of another great memory. Is this how my life is gonna be from now on? Will I be haunted by her memory forever? I'm not sure I'm strong enough to face this. Adding to my problems, we both just graduated in May, and she moved me to a new town where I have no friends. All of my friends here are through her so I have found myself terribly isolated. If she would just come back, throw herself at my feet, beg for forgiveness, and tell me she'd spend a lifetime making this all up to me, everything would be so good. Unlike now, when everything is so bad.

[CaliGuy]

So now I'm irrate. I told her I feel like I've raised a spoiled-brat of a relationship. I've always spoiled her and bent-over-backwards to make her happy. She's always been the center of all my attention. This relationship that I've loved has turned into a monster on me, sort of like those parents must feel on "My Super-Sweet 16".

 

Your assignment, before you do anything, is to read: "No More Mr. Nice Guy" (Glover).

 

You have an issue here (and I quoted the comments as evidence above). You feel your value to her is in the "good deeds" you do for her and not how you make her "feel."

 

Attraction isn't based on the "things" you do for a woman, it is completely based on how you make them feel. The reason she is pulling away from your is because you are killing the attraction based on your "door mat" behavior with her.

 

Read the book. It will change your life completely and build you into a strong, confident, self-assured man who doesn't seek approval from others but within.

[CaliGuy]

If she would just come back, throw herself at my feet, beg for forgiveness, and tell me she'd spend a lifetime making this all up to me, everything would be so good. Unlike now, when everything is so bad.

 

Not going to happen if you continue on your current pace. You need to read the book I recommended, pronto.

[FooledOnce]

Ah, yes, as soon as I wrote the post I thought "Caliguy will recommend that I read his book." And I will read the book, it sounds very helpful, thank you.

 

However, in my defense, I don't think I was a doormat our whole relationship, just during this surreal break-up. I don't think that she liked me because I was a nice guy or paid attention to her, listened to her, etc. I know she loved me because I'm charismatic and funny, because I'm intelligent, because we're great together effortlessly. The spoiling her with attention, doting on her, etc. were things I did because I couldn't help myself. Because she's so cute and has such a beautiful smile and I wanted to make her smile as much as possible to light up my world (and it did).

 

Now for today. She came over. I told her I had a tough night last night. She told me she did too. She said she thought about what I had said about her taking me for granted and she agreed. She had been taking me for granted. She said that my comments yesterday made her realize for the first time that I might be gone forever. That wasn't something she wanted.

 

Interestingly, finding out about this other guy challenged my manhood. I want to compete for her. I want to win her. I've won her away from other suitors before. I want to crush this dork beneath my heel.

 

Now, today I gave her the 2 choices. I said A) we can call it quits, never see each other again, no more hurt feelings, no more resentment. Or B) No more keeping me at a distance to 'think'. She abused her thinking time by spending it talking to a boy. We would start going on actual dates and talking to each other again.

 

She choose option B. Now, many people are going to think that I'm opening myself up for further pain. I don't think this is true. My heart is placed completely in a lockbox right now. When I think about her whispering sweet-nothings to another guy, I don't feel pain and anger, I feel defiance and a different kind of anger. I'm almost on the warpath right now. I've been hurt, I've been bloodied, but today I make a stand. No longer will I run and plea, it's time to turn and fight. No More Mr. Nice Guy...

[Ocean-Blue]

I would tell her you will be seeing other people as well while you make up your mind about the relationship. You have made yourself a doormat in her eyes so she feels you will be there for her if she decides to get back with you. Time to let her know you have other options as well.

 

I think so too.

[alwayshurt]

 

Now, today I gave her the 2 choices. I said A) we can call it quits, never see each other again, no more hurt feelings, no more resentment. Or B) No more keeping me at a distance to 'think'. She abused her thinking time by spending it talking to a boy. We would start going on actual dates and talking to each other again.

 

She choose option B. Now, many people are going to think that I'm opening myself up for further pain. I don't think this is true. My heart is placed completely in a lockbox right now. When I think about her whispering sweet-nothings to another guy, I don't feel pain and anger, I feel defiance and a different kind of anger. I'm almost on the warpath right now. I've been hurt, I've been bloodied, but today I make a stand. No longer will I run and plea, it's time to turn and fight. No More Mr. Nice Guy...

 

 

You cannot ask people to take opt 1 or opt2. It is not the right approach and, I am sorry man, but you have just set yourself up for more pains.

She has offered your option B because probably right now she is on a sort of break with the other guy. That is the reason why she came over to you from the beginning.

You're killing actraction by doing so and chances are she would use you for a while until she fixes things up with the other guy and then "adios muchacho". You have just played the door mat role by the book.

You need to disappear and let her figure out that you are not there for her whenever she needs you. That is the only way she can see you as a challenge and not as shelter.

get out of there while you still can, tell her that you have thought about this and are not ready for her at the moment. Tell her that you need to evaluate your options and that she can do the same and if she wants she can go out dating that guy or anybody else. Play smart, don't let her use you at her own convenience. Right now you're being "Mr. Nice Guy".

[Tony T]

This lady is obviously not interested in continuing a relationship with you. Why continue to hurt yourself. Dust her a move on down the road. Oddly, when you do that it's likely she'll begin to chase YOU! Don't even look back.

[FooledOnce]

Guys, thanks for the advice. I hear what you are all saying. You're saying the same things I would say. I know you're all right.

 

At the same time, I just can't tell her to have a nice life and move on with mine. I just can't. She's my first love. I think we both decided that we want to at least give it an effort and try dating to see how things feel. When she moved out, everything felt so sudden (in retrospect, these things are never sudden, are they?).

 

I know I might be making a mistake, but it's one I have to make.

 

Thank goodness I found this board. I really enjoy being a member of this community. Thanks for all the advice and support. I hope you'll all continue to follow my story.

[FooledOnce]

BTW, just checked the book out from the library. Starting reading now.

[sedgwick]

Number one!!! For sure. If you really want her back, and/or you want her to respect you, take it from me -- they want you more when they can't have you. Do you really want to "compete" with someone else for her love? You don't need that in your life. Plus that puts her in total control. You have to let her see that if she doesn't treat you right, you have no problem walking away.

[FooledOnce]

Sedwick, that's actually sinking in here. Alright, new plan. I'll go on a date with her Friday and we'll have a great time. Give her one last good taste. Then I'll tell her that I have no room in my life for a girlfriend that also dates other dudes. I'll tell her she can call me when she's willing to come back and work only on me, until then, don't call me. Then I'll tell her to leave. We'll do NC.

[Sweetcheripie]

Fooled once - I think the no contact will be good for you. There are lots of really great gals out there that will appreciate a great guy! You two have been dating a long time and are still very young. You are at the perfect age and stage of life to have fun and meet lots of people.

 

I'm not sure I agree with the going out to dinner - she already knows you - you don't need to show her a "good time" to make her see what she is missing. It actually sounds a little mean and childish to me - like na na na na na you can't have me. I'm sure your ego is hurt by all this, and you are confident that you can show her such a wonderful time that she will either beg for you back or regret for life - but, honestly, after 5 years???

[alwayshurt]

she needs to miss you. You won't accomplish anything by showing her good time. And what do u intend by good time? It is probably different from what she wants. cancel on her this friday. She will be after you as you cannot believe it.

[FooledOnce]

Well, the plans are set. We're going to go out to dinner, then come back to my (formerly our) place and do some wine tasting. And we're going to talk. Also important, I have a 1% chance of sex, which is something I haven't had in 2 months now. See, having a good date like this is important because the main reason we fell apart like this was a lack of time together over the last 8 months. And every time we're together, we still have the spark and chemistry, everything works. I can really tell she likes being with me. So, I'll give her a taste of that wonderful me. Then I'll tell her that unless she's willing to stop seeing that boy and focus on trying to make things work with me again, then I don't want to see her. If that never happens, then it never happens. I'm not doing this to be cruel, I'm just setting a reasonable boundry. While away, I want her to think back on our last night together as a good time. And if this is it, I want my last memory of my precious babe to be a good one too.