Husband sex addict or just greedy selfish B######

[toomuchpain]

Hello everyone,

I am new to this site. I have posted on another site and had some useful feedback maybe im just trying every avenue open to me.

 

Up until 3 months ago i was happy really happy, now i feel like i am living someones elses life or someone elses nightmare.

 

Three months ago i was doing some work on the computer when i noticed that someone had been on a swingers site. Not hard to work out who when only myself and my husband use it.

I went onto the site as much as i could and there on the history was numerous visits and one saying edit profile page.

 

When my H returned from wherever he was i asked him for his password as i wanted to view his profile on the swingers site. God was his face a picture.

After much persuasion he gave it to me.

His profile was of a man that wanted sex no strings attached as he was happily married !! he could do daytime meets and could travel.

He also stated he was into threesomes (DOH) when did that happen then.

He had also set up a new e mail address he gave me the password to that and there were numerous replies asking for photos etc.

H had replied to one ( I went into recycle bin ) he said he had not replied to any.

This was to ask when and where etc. He did not meet anyone from the site but admitted he would of if i had not found it.

 

To try and cut a long story short.....

My beloved H has been involved in a threesome with a couple for 15 years thats 5 years longer than we have been married.

 

Has visited prostitutes before during and after we met and married.

Prostitutes in our old home town, prostitutes in our new home town and even in thailand on a family holiday.

He has visited a brothel in a town close to where we live and paid for sex there.

 

He has met on three occasions a woman that lives close to us and they have indulged in oral sex. Only kissed on two occasions so only indulged in actual sex once, well thats ok then!!.

 

Has tried it on with one of my friends in our new home town she did not respond but you can be sure if she had he would have been there like a rat up a drainpipe.

 

I did not discover all the above overnight it has been a gradual process.

After i found out about the threesome i then started digging and confronting, each time i discovered something new he would say thats it there is no more, and it has taken 7 revelations from him on different occasions to get what we now have and what i have written above.

 

Every time he said there was no more and there was. Nothing new has reared its ugly head for at least a month but am i convinced he has told me everything no i am not.

 

H is now visiting a therapist and he says that H has a problem with his behaviour ( no s### sherlock ).

 

I also have one with mine now, as i want to kill him on a daily basis i want him to hurt like i do.

 

H states he will do anything to put this right, that it is not my fault it is his alone. He states he has always loved me and cannot give any reason for his behaviour, only that he thought in his head that it was seperate from us and would never interfere with our life.

Bloody would off if i had caught something !!!!!

 

How do i go further i know its not been that long but i feel worse now than i did when i first found out, no idea why !!!!

 

I have no real anger towards any of the women that my H met with, they didnt drag him off he went on numerous occasions of his own free will they didnt come after him.

I was angry with the one that lived close to us as she knew me, and her husband had left her 3 months before to move in with his ow, and i really tried to help her. Dont feel anything for her now again she didnt drag him did she !!!!

 

At this moment i can never see my life getting better: I know it will but will it be better with H or without H.

 

Thanks for letting me rant. X

[RollMeAway]

Hey, I can't say I'm in the exact situation, but I can say that I have trouble with my marriage.

 

You said he's going to a counselor, that's good. He's going (or should be going) for him.

 

One similarity between my situation and yours is it seems that when the marriage happened, all parties were not on the same page with each other, and possibly with themselves.

 

I'd suggest that you go to see a counselor, not to save your marriage, but to help yourself. You need to be 100% about knowing who you are, what you want in life, and loving and respecting yourself.

 

Only after he has his OWN, INDIVIDUAL issues sorted should you even consider making it work after that. You need to think clearly, about yourself.

 

I hope this helps, and I wish you the best of luck. I hope you find happiness, whether that means making your marriage work or not.

 

If you're interested in my story: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t132227/

 

-Don

[JamesM]

This is one of those few times that my advice is to leave him. Period.

 

If he has a sex addiction problem, then he needs to resolve that. THEN he can try to date you again from the very beginning...if you want. The trust in your marriage has been shattered beyond repair at this point. He has continually lied. It took seven revelations for him to tell you everything? This does not show honesty. It simply shows that every time you discovered something, he admitted to it.

 

You need to get counseling for all of the shock you have endured. And then you can begin thinking of him and any other possible dates for the future. I am not sure if you have children, but even still, they must realize that your H broke his marriage vows time after time. He could not even stay faithful during your dating days. This may be an addiction, but this does not mean that your life must be tied to his while he recovers.

 

Move on and heal.

[JustBreathe]

I guess determining whether he is a true addict will depend on whether he can stop screwing around. Whether he has a hard time controlling it.

 

At first I thought My H was sexually addicted, but in 5 years of dealing with the aftermath I now believe that - while there are some people who are truly sexually addicted - they are much more rare than people who simply have an overblown sense of entitlement. Most cheaters simply have warped core values and problems with intimacy. They don't think the same as you or I. Cannot feel love in the same way we do. Thrill seekers, not true addicts. These types are not suitable for marriage.

 

Some, thrill seek because they have low self esteem or need to feel like naughty children. They absolutely love sneaking around, newness of an affair, they love "strange." Some, like my husband, thrill seek because of depression (they need the high of of illicit sex), or anger. Things like that. I believe my H is bipolar. As he chooses to treat his mental illness with clandestine sexual gratification, this makes him unsuitable for marriage also.

 

An addict is never quite cured, they resist the temptation to return to the addiction all the time. With lots of help, they can learn methods by which to control it but there's no guarantee they will not pick it up at some other time. A true addict cannot simply stop one day and never want to do it again. It is a daily struggle. I don't think my H fits that mold.

 

My H visited prostititutes for 15 years (he claims he was faithful the first 5 of our marriage). Had a full blown affair 5 yrs. ago. However, I firmly do not believe he is an addict. He isn't in 'recovery', he has simply learned that if he cheats on me, he will get kicked out and he cannot be alone. He "got it". I let him see what it was to live without his family and he turned over a new leaf. But it's too late for us now. I just plain don't love him anymore.

 

I will divorce him anyway in 3.5 years. There is too much hurt now for redemption and I cannot muster even the slightest tolerance or compassion for his mental state. I do not hate him. I just can't take the chaos anymore.

[Crestfallen_KH]

I don't think any of us can define him as an addict or not. That's up to a trained therapist to figure out.

 

But, I would say that this sounds more like a maturity issue rather than an addiction...

 

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I know you must just be devastated.

[Kasan]

TMP---

 

Have you and your husband been tested for any STDs? On top of the cheating, and lying, he is playing Russian Roulette with yours and his health.

 

Please get yourself tested......

[Mustang Sally]

I'd say I'd have to agree with JamesM.

 

Seems to me your entire life with and knowledge of this man is basically a LIE.

 

What does it matter right now if he's an addict or not? (At least, to ME, it wouldn't matter.) That is something I would not want any part of...until he is treated/fixed.

 

I'm sorry for your pain. But he is not the man he led you to believe he is. Whether he has a sex addiction or not...he surely has a psych diagnosis of some sort. You don't need that in your life...do you?

[JustBreathe]

Not to blab on and on but this thread so resonates with me.

 

It's hard when the whole sexual addiction issue comes into play because you say to yourself ... addictions are different because the addict doesn't really enjoy what he's doing. He just can't help himself. He has to have that thing he craves to feel normal. You tell yourself, together we can beat his addiction. So you stay and put yourself through hell with the addict for as long as you can. It's like a woman married to an alcoholic or a drug user. She hangs around hoping he will be cured and watching for signs of backsliding and tell yourself you married for better or worse. It's the addiction that's the problem, not him, you say to yourself.

 

It's a different animal than dealing with a philanderer.

 

Kasan makes a good point that the therapist should be able to figure out if he is a true addict or not. I remember now that my H went to a therapist just after d-day for awhile and the therapist told him he did not think he was a sex addict. Therapist said he was a good person who made bad decisions, abused as a child and angry about it, low self esteem, (*???* ... so sad... a single tear rolls down my cheek). I left home at 15 because I couldn't stand it anymore. My childhood wasn't roses but I never gave myself permission to screw whatever I could get my hands on. He says "you were stronger than i was!" ARGHH. Whatever.

[Mustang Sally]

It's hard when the whole sexual addiction issue comes into play because you say to yourself ... addictions are different because the addict doesn't really enjoy what he's doing. He just can't help himself.

 

It's a different animal than dealing with a philanderer.

JB - I completely respect your viewpoint, and thank you for sharing it here.

 

But I maintain that ultimately, it may not really matter.

 

His behaviour is not only self-destructive, but destructive (and dangerous! As Kasan has pointed out) to the OP. Until he has remedied his situation satisfactorily, why should she put up with the repercussions of his disease/poor choices?

 

I would give the same advice to a spouse/SO of a practicing alcoholic or heroin-addict.

[Kasan]

Not to blab on and on but this thread so resonates with me.

 

It's hard when the whole sexual addiction issue comes into play because you say to yourself ... addictions are different because the addict doesn't really enjoy what he's doing. He just can't help himself. He has to have that thing he craves to feel normal. You tell yourself, together we can beat his addiction. So you stay and put yourself through hell with the addict for as long as you can. It's like a woman married to an alcoholic or a drug user. She hangs around hoping he will be cured and watching for signs of backsliding and tell yourself you married for better or worse. It's the addiction that's the problem, not him, you say to yourself.

 

Your contribution and viewpoint is I am sure incredibly helpful to the OP. I am so sorry that you have experienced this.

 

But is it our responsibility to try to fix someone who puts us at risk? And judging what the OP has stated, his behavior has put her health at extreme risk.

 

I believe in marriage but at what point do you need start working on saving yourself?

 

Can trust ever be regained? Should it be regained? What is the yardstick for forgiveness and trust in this situation?

[luvmy2ns]

...the addict doesn't really enjoy what he's doing.

 

I don't buy that he didn't enjoy having sex with all these prostitutes, neighbors, etc. etc.

 

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but I would dump him in a NY minute.

[JustBreathe]

Maybe I wasn't clear. I am not by any means saying she should stay and deal with things while he "finds himself" or whatever. By no means. Sally's right. You are all right. Whether he has an addiction or not doesn't matter. It is still self-destructive behavior and he will take her down with him if she sticks around while he heals himself.

 

I was trying to depict a sort of mental picture of why some women, like myself, stick around when there's a supposed addiction in the picture, despite what they know is the best thing to do - kick him out until he is worth having around, if he ever gets there. Of course, that's what she should do. That's what I should have done. Instead I chose to put myself through years of hell. I wouldn't advise anybody to do that.

[Kasan]

Maybe I wasn't clear. I am not by any means saying she should stay and deal with things while he "finds himself" or whatever. By no means. Sally's right. You are all right. Whether he has an addiction or not doesn't matter. It is still self-destructive behavior and he will take her down with him if she sticks around while he heals himself.

 

I was trying to depict a sort of mental picture of why some women, like myself, stick around when there's a supposed addiction in the picture, despite what they know is the best thing to do - kick him out until he is worth having around, if he ever gets there. Of course, that's what she should do. That's what I should have done. Instead I chose to put myself through years of hell. I wouldn't advise anybody to do that.

 

I really appreciate your POV....your contribution about the psychology of women who stay in marriages with men who are addicted (to anything) is insightful and honest.

 

I could see a potential thread about this.

[Kenyth]

Ummm......... I don't think you can get past something like this. I just don't see how. I also don't think he is going to quit doing it. This relationship is pretty well over. He's a swinger and you're not. He needs to find a suitable partner for his lifestyle and you need to find one for yours.

[Citizen Erased]

Sex addict or not, leave him. It is still no excuse for him to cheat on you with countless different women, he has shown a disregard for your marriage vows, for you, and the life you have built together. The fact that even when he knew he was found out, he still wouldn't come clean until you had proof says alot.

 

I am so sorry for the heartbreak you are feeling, know there is a support group on LS and I hope you have family and friends you can turn to as well.

[Mr. Lucky]

I will divorce him anyway in 3.5 years.

I don't want to hijack the thread JustBreathe, but that is a curious statement. Can you explain ?

 

Mr. Lucky

[toomuchpain]

Thank you all for your replies.

Just to elaborate a little as i thought my first post was quite enough for the first one.

After all the revelations I asked my H to leave which he did. He made it clear he didnt want to but I made it clear he had too. I truly believed at that time I was capeable of killing him.

 

We were both married before, My H had been divorced 18 months when I met him and I had been divorced for 5 years.

 

We have 4 sons 2 from each of us, they are great boys and we have worked really hard to ensure this. They obviously know that we are having problems and they are old enough to know it involves infidelity on their dads part but by no means do they know the full extent.

 

That was my decision, I dont want them to know everything.

Their dad has spoken to them with me there and stated that it is all his fault and that he has been involved with other women.

 

They are more than unhappy with him and find it hard to stay in the same room with him when he comes over. They seem to be getting worse with him as time goes on as well.

 

I dont know what the future holds but I know we will be alright whatever because now I have the knowledge and am no longer living in an imaginary marriage because thats what it was. My marriage never exsisted the man I married never existed and I think I have to mourn for what I thought I had and when that is done I will move on.

 

God I hate him, I still love him but when I think about it I loved someone who didnt exsist. I dont love the man standing before me because I dont know him.

 

My H states that things would be different if I let him back as he has never been in the position where he could lose me and he has never been so scared. I think thats how he feels at the moment and then when reality hits or he thinks he is safe again I believe he would do it again. God he has always lived like this it seems and I dont believe he can be different its who he is.

 

I have booked to see a therapist not for my marriage but for me to come to terms and to help me go forward.

 

I have been tested for every bloody thing and whilst I am clear on some I am waiting for the results on others. Didnt know you could be tested for so much, and to be honest I didnt go straight away.

 

I think I for myself wanted it to be a sex addiction and blame it on that. Do I believe that;; No I dont. I just wanted something to blame and maybe it wouldnt hurt so much.

 

H Therapist says that H had a hard childhood and had his first sexual encounter when he was 11 and that he discovered sex before he discovered love so these things have contributed to his behaviour. What a crock. My childhood was awful, Father in prison for manslaughter, mother in and out of hospital for mental health issues. Myself and my brother sent to all sorts of foster homes and care homes until we were 16.

I didnt nor did my brother end up treating the people we love with such contempt. In fact we have made sure that those close to us never feel what we did.

 

Again thank you for your replies i really appreciate them and it helps to hear from others who have been in similar situations.

 

X

[Kasan]

I have booked to see a therapist not for my marriage but for me to come to terms and to help me go forward.

 

Father in prison for manslaughter, mother in and out of hospital for mental health issues. Myself and my brother sent to all sorts of foster homes and care homes until we were 16.

 

I didnt nor did my brother end up treating the people we love with such contempt. In fact we have made sure that those close to us never feel what we did.

 

I am so glad to hear that you have been tested for STDs and things for now look good.

 

I really admire you taking the necessary steps to "come to terms" and move forward in your life--this takes tremendous courage.

 

Once again in your life, you are in the position of being a victim, although you are not playing the victim card--you my dear, are a survivor.

 

I hope that you continue to post here--I think that you could contribute much to LS.

[bish]

toomuchpain,

 

I'd say file for divorce from this bastard and get what is coming to you in a settlement and make a new life for yourself. Hopefully one that is with a decent man. Your H is definitely not one.

[toomuchpain]

I am so glad to hear that you have been tested for STDs and things for now look good.

 

I really admire you taking the necessary steps to "come to terms" and move forward in your life--this takes tremendous courage.

 

Once again in your life, you are in the position of being a victim, although you are not playing the victim card--you my dear, are a survivor.

 

I hope that you continue to post here--I think that you could contribute much to LS.

 

 

Thank you for that, made my day.

No I wont be a victim again, when your a child you dont really have much choice, but I have choices now and I wont help anyone make me a victim again.

 

Hurts like nothing I have ever known but it wont kill me.

 

There were times though I thought it might. I still think somedays that I must be really stupid. How didnt I know. A friend said you must have had some idea and I swear I didnt. H had most of his meetings for want of a better word in the day, he runs his own business so did not need to to explain to anyone where he was. He always carried his mobile phone with him and I cannot remember a time when he didnt answer it.

 

He was always home at night and he was always caring and kind. How could he sit and eat with his family and talk and smile when he could well have been earlier with a prostitute etc etc.

 

I have asked him why and as I said in my initial post his reply was it was separate. No it makes no sense to me either.

 

H visited the other day and stated his therapist thinks that I should try and think only of the good times and memorys that we had together.

I replied that that was bulls***... We have no good memories they were all lies all of them. How can I think of good times for gods sake how do I know what he did just before or just after, how do I know.

 

I have to get better for me and for the boys. We dont deserve this. He deserves anything that comes to him. I cant think too far in front yet I think about gettting through the day and when I do I go to bed and think there you go you did it. I try not to think of him but its hard when your alone and friends that have not been through this think you should be over it after all its been 3 months now.

 

Anyway I am going out tonight on a girlie night not looking forward to it but im going anyway.

 

take care x

[Kasan]

Thank you for that, made my day. No I wont be a victim again, when your a child you dont really have much choice, but I have choices now and I wont help anyone make me a victim again.

 

And you have the tools to deal with it now, you didn't when you were a child.

There were times though I thought it might. I still think somedays that I must be really stupid. How didnt I know. A friend said you must have had some idea and I swear I didnt. H had most of his meetings for want of a better word in the day, he runs his own business so did not need to to explain to anyone where he was. He always carried his mobile phone with him and I cannot remember a time when he didnt answer it.

 

He was always home at night and he was always caring and kind. How could he sit and eat with his family and talk and smile when he could well have been earlier with a prostitute etc etc.

 

I don't think you were stupid at all, people who have secrets to hide can be very creative in covering up what they do. Often times we have feelings that something is quite right but can't put our finger on it. Why would you think anything different? As you stated, he gave no indication.

 

I have to get better for me and for the boys. We dont deserve this. He deserves anything that comes to him. I cant think too far in front yet I think about gettting through the day and when I do I go to bed and think there you go you did it. I try not to think of him but its hard when your alone and friends that have not been through this think you should be over it after all its been 3 months now.

I am so glad that you will continue counseling, you will gain the tools necessary to get through these awful days. Your grief will take as long as it takes. One day at a time.

 

 

 

 

 

[Unluckilymadlyinlove]

You need to leave him!!!! More than the trust, love and respect.....he is going to give you AIDS. He is disgusting, he needs to work on his problem himself. You need to move on and find someone who cares about you enough to not want to bring you back something that can kill you!!!!

 

Good Luck!

[MrsHellnoFire]

sadly this is all too common.

i think it's about time for you to get some loving as well and not from your husband either.

but there is also a truth that he could possibly be a sex addict. his sexual urges might be stronger than they are with most men and/or he might have an unusual hormone level. who knows.

the way he goes from one stance to another within a short period of time sounds a little mentally unstable as well.

[MrsHellnoFire]

"

H visited the other day and stated his therapist thinks that I should try and think only of the good times and memorys that we had together."

 

ha. my reaction was the same as yours after reading that trash. what bull****. first of all, HIS therapist is supposed to be giving advice to him, not you. that doesn't even strike as remotely logical.

[abeliever]

TMP-

 

Well you and I are in the same boat only my husband (soon to be ex) has had several affairs and without protection. I would advise for you to immediately get tested for all STD's and hope for the best. TMP, I too feel the dispair and the anger and the disbelief that your marriage is a lie. I have been spending my time lately working on me. He needs to worry about his demons I have my own to get thru. So that is my advice, get your papers in order make copies of everything (for just in case) and put money aside for when the $hit hits the fan. You need to be covered. I too, hurt each day but get up everyday and go to work and drown myself in it. If you have kids it is going to be alot harder. I am hoping you don't it would make it easier.

 

My heart aches for you for I know is a mountain of grief that only gets worse. Surround yourself by a few girlfriends and come on here as much as you can. I went to couseling, but frankly I get better advice here. And for $125 per hour its a whole lot cheaper here and you get better advice here. Really no one can make any decisions for you. Can you live with the lie? Even if he gets all the help available its only a matter of time for it to happen again? What will you do then? They don't generally get better, they get smarter. So educate yourself if you stay. Google how to get away with cheating you will find all the ways on there. If you stay no one faults you its human nature to want to salvage your marriage. I only wish I would have left years ago. I stayed and still ended up in the same spot, mad berayed and getting a divorce. But this time one of his girfriends is pregnant and she is not sure if he is the father or not. So yes it can get worse, don't ask that question. Life is a gift and you need to make you happy. Look to no other person for that feeling.

 

I have been doing this the past few years with the worst this last summer. I too wanted my marriage to work, but in the end I couldn't get over it and it still haunts me to this day. I try not be bitter, its hard sometimes. I just don't want to be with a man who does not love, protect and respect me. That is the bottom line and I am standing up to my own fears - divorce. My fear of living alone after all the years one by one fears will come into play. Tell yourself and really know it will be ok. I know what I am doing is right for me. I pray for you to find the wisdom to do what is right for you.

 

To hell with anyone who wants to tell you or I different. We only have one life to live and be happy. I am a believer that one day I will be happy again and yes even married. Although it will be a long time before that happens I am at least optimistic that I will get thru this one day at a time. And I am sure - so will you!

 

 

Best of luck. You have a friend here if you need one.

 

abeliever