KittenMoon Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 So I saw "Knocked Up" last weekend, and I gotta say Paul Rudd's character really struck a chord, especially when he says this: "Do you ever wonder how somebody could even like you? The biggest problem in our marriage is that she wants me around. And I can't even accept that? I don't think I can accept pure love. " Anyone who knows my story knows I have a frustratingly vaccilating exbf who for over a year and a half couldn't say he didn't love me- has peppered me with repeatedly ambiguous words and actions. And I"m not the only one- there are tons of folks like this here. And it makes me wonder if it all comes down to the idea contained in the quote above. That when presented with someone who really, truly loves them through the difficult times, they basically cannot accept this, due to their own inherent insecurities. It also explains to some extent why these types of exes seem to take up with less-than-ideal partners- cheaters, players, liars, drama kings&queens, etc. With those types of people, they simply never have to worry about accepting pure love because, even if its only subconciously, they realize those people will always ultimately be selfish or self-serving in the end- they know they'll never have to worry about feeling in the wrong when/if their relationship comes to an end. This is just a deeper exploration of the idea of "You have to love yourself before you love anyone else" but I think it's got a ring of truth. Thoughts?
funkybassplayer Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 is very true that we have to love ourselves, otherwise we look for what we dont have in someone else. This will then attract the wrong kind, and so lead to a short honeymoon and then a rough ride, or it can result in the rebound. If you are happy, you will not look to another to love you,l cos you will love yourself, and will look for the right partner, and one that will share in what you have rather than take it. I was involved with a slf centred drama queen, but at the end of the day, most of these people are very hurt inside, and just want to be happy, but as the relationship grows and there wall of niceness comes down, you or i was exposed to all the hurt, in the way of blame, abuse, and lack of respect. If the relationship ends try to realise that they are not bad people, just damaged and in need of help, but its up to them to look for this help, and i fear many would prefer the easy way out and get another relationship, or feel good honeymoon, as did my ex, with yes, a controller. That has now ended, and i hope she is taking the time out to look after herself and her kids, but alass i saw her once again on the dateing site looking for another man. Just send these people love, work on ourself and we will heal, and hopefully meet the right one. I took 6 months out, and really worked on my mental state and physical, and now being back on the site, i look by the ladys that appear to have many problems, where as in the past, i would not have spotted them. In my own healing, i feel i will find the right one thats right for me.........I hope!!!
Zona76 Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 I strongly believe in telling your children that you love them. Repeating it a lot. So many people never hear this from their parents and siblings, not to mention others as they grow and they never feel loved. Words mean a lot. Actions too and they do go together. But hearing the words gives you confidence. This person may never be able to give completely nor receive. Love is about caring more for others than yourself. And the more you give the more it comes back to you. Emotions always bounce back. Take a person who always feels that others pick on, demean, critisize... this is what you grow up with and expect from life. I tried for many years to get my ex H to show love. He never could. He probably never will. And it's believing that you have this "Pure Love" It's knowing you can and are capable of giving and receiving. I've seen in here that so many refer to the "L" word(They can't even say the word love). I think some feel that giving oneself so completely you give part of your soul and in this loose yourself. That's NOT the case. When you give, you can receive more. You need only to release it from within.
ncpd25 Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 I really think you hit the nail on the head with your post. As you said, many of us are her for similar circumstances and I admit, I'm one of them. My ex left me to go back to her ex-boyfriend. Condensed version: We met. Things were going well. She told me she loved me, was in love with me, she never wanted to lose me etc... She originally told me she broke up with him several moths earlier, she didn't have any romantic feelings for him and she has moved on. She told me , he stopped by her house one night to speak with her because he was upset about the break-up(He was crying etc..). She tells me about his visit and asked that I have patience with her and she promises not to let me down. Four days later, she walked away. I'm confident she broke up with him a week or two before meeting me(she lied to me). I realized that she had no confidence about herself (confident at work but that's it), no self esteem, trust issues with her ex (due to his cheating/lying). She always seemed to ask me if I was going to leave her (these comments were from out of the blue). If I told her, I loved her, she would say "Really?". It was as if she couldn't or wouldn't believe me or wouldn't accept those words. I think she ran back to him due to that "comfort zone" knowing what he is all about, his short-comings and feeling she could accept the conditions that came with being with him. I guess, she felt that's what she deserved and where she needed to be. She couldn't accept love from me so, she went back to someone who cheats and lies to her and doesn't offer her anything. Granted, I was upset, but, I'm working my way through it.....One minute at a time. Thanks for a great thread!!
funkybassplayer Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 exacatly, your spot on, to give is to receive, to give love even to hurt people, will at leat for a while let them feel loved. Love heals everything. If you dont give love you dont get it. Even people that are hurt, if they truly start to give from the heart, then they will receive, and they will open and grow, and see for themselves. A typical example, the story of mister scoooge!............bah not humbug! Give it dont take it. I sent a letter to my ex, telling her so many lovely things about her, to make her feel that she was truly loved, and in that act, it made me feel great. To give thanks, and love to anyone, even just a guy on the street, is the nicest thing you can do and they can recive. The result 2 very happy people!! But some people in there present state are caught in a world of pain and darkness, but it is for us to give the love to them. in this act, you will never be wrong, no matter which way they take it, if its done out of love and not need, love will always be right. Many people, cant accept love as they feel they do not deserve it, and we have done our best, but they have to want to heal themselves, and sometimes it may be right to walk away, then maybe, if they hit that low, they may stop and think about them and why **** happens, and maybe they may seek the hjelp they need. Many dont, and live a sad unhappy hollow life.
kirikat Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 It seems to me that we have, or most of us have, allowed ourselved to fall in love with the emotionally wounded, the emotionally ambivalent, the emotionally unavailable. We choose these people for a reason... It may be kind of new-agey - but I really believe that we are always getting exactly what we are committed to getting. If we are having an unhappy love affair - well, I think that this must be what we are committed to getting, because if we were committed to something ele - that is what we would have. Kitten - the guy cant say "I dont love you" because it would be a lie. But love isnt always enough, despite what the story books say.
Author KittenMoon Posted October 18, 2007 Author Posted October 18, 2007 It seems to me that we have, or most of us have, allowed ourselved to fall in love with the emotionally wounded, the emotionally ambivalent, the emotionally unavailable. We choose these people for a reason... It may be kind of new-agey - but I really believe that we are always getting exactly what we are committed to getting. If we are having an unhappy love affair - well, I think that this must be what we are committed to getting, because if we were committed to something ele - that is what we would have. Kitten - the guy cant say "I dont love you" because it would be a lie. But love isnt always enough, despite what the story books say. Very true- but many situations have resulted from a dramatic change after prolonged periods of accepting love, decisions to commit, even long marriages. So these issues may not exist at the beginning of a relationship, but rather come up further down the line, resulting in what I was talking about above.
blind_otter Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 I was one of those people who could not accept pure love. I chose emotionally unavailable people to become involved with and had a string of shallow affairs that masqueraded as deeper interactions. I destroyed some ex-lovers because of my inability to accept their love. It wasn't until I reached a breaking point and began work on loving and accepting myself that I was finally able to accept pure love. I've been with my partner over 2 years now and we are finally planning marriage.
Spinderella Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 Great thread, and some great posts too. I sometimes feel I have this problem. I often dont stay when somebody says they love me, yet have stayed a long time with people who never say it. Maybe though, it is more like, when someone says it, you have to begin taking the relationship seriously, and deciding can you really be with this person long term. Or perhaps as Kirikat wisely stated, we attract those relationships we expect to have..
Author KittenMoon Posted October 18, 2007 Author Posted October 18, 2007 I was one of those people who could not accept pure love. I chose emotionally unavailable people to become involved with and had a string of shallow affairs that masqueraded as deeper interactions. I destroyed some ex-lovers because of my inability to accept their love. It wasn't until I reached a breaking point and began work on loving and accepting myself that I was finally able to accept pure love. I've been with my partner over 2 years now and we are finally planning marriage. AW! So good to hear b_o!!! Let's pray others can reach your level of realization, if for nothing else other than their own eventual happiness.
Spinderella Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 I was one of those people who could not accept pure love. I chose emotionally unavailable people to become involved with and had a string of shallow affairs that masqueraded as deeper interactions. I destroyed some ex-lovers because of my inability to accept their love. Perhaps this is a good description of me too... It wasn't until I reached a breaking point and began work on loving and accepting myself and this is where I am now...
blind_otter Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 Well I'm still in the process of loving myself. It's an on going battle for me, but I've been in therapy for over a year now and have made wonderful progress.
Trialbyfire Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 If the term pure love refers to unconditional love, this doesn't exist except between mother and child, and not in every case. When someone can't handle love, is it that they can't accept it or that they are unable/unwilling to reciprocate it? Personally, I think it to be the latter.
Author KittenMoon Posted October 18, 2007 Author Posted October 18, 2007 If the term pure love refers to unconditional love, this doesn't exist except between mother and child, and not in every case. When someone can't handle love, is it that they can't accept it or that they are unable/unwilling to reciprocate it? Personally, I think it to be the latter. I don't think romantic love is unconditional. I'm not sure ANY love in unconditional. And by "accepting" I mean that personal issues can block one's inate ability to return love, even if they feel it, because their ability to cope with the inevitable trials of a relationship is being overwhelmed by their trying to cope with their issues. I think that made sense....
Trialbyfire Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 I don't think romantic love is unconditional. I'm not sure ANY love in unconditional. And by "accepting" I mean that personal issues can block one's inate ability to return love, even if they feel it, because their ability to cope with the inevitable trials of a relationship is being overwhelmed by their trying to cope with their issues. I think that made sense.... Yes, it does make sense and is similar to my generisized thoughts, if you apply incapable, instead of unwilling.
Author KittenMoon Posted October 18, 2007 Author Posted October 18, 2007 Yes, it does make sense and is similar to my generisized thoughts, if you apply incapable, instead of unwilling. Yeah. I think "unwilling" is too cognizant, where "incapable" means they probably aren't aware of it.
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