Why would he tell me he's been thinking about me a lot lately?

[lexi29]

I've posted on here a lot but quick recap- ex and I together 3 years, friends for six. he left me about two weeks ago. He has an 8 yr old son I'm close to.

A few days after he left me he started seeing someone else. But he didnt' tell me about her. Just said he wanted to be single. I slept with him the first time I went to get my stuff (long story) It was his idea. I didn't know at the time but he was already dating HER. She found out and was crushed. Of course he lied his a** off and denied everything. I got him on tape saying yes, he did sleep with me and he knew it would hurt her. Gave her the proof, he confessed. Anyhow the fall out was that he was very angry at me, told me to lose his number, told me I could never see his son again. She stayed with him. A week ago he called me to get the rest of my stuff. Our conversation lasted about 35 seconds and ended with him hanging up on me. When I got my stuff he made sure he wasn't there. So basically I thought we would never talk again. That he hates me (because I told his girlfriend he cheated on her-I didn't tell her on purpose as I didn't know he was dating her).

 

So I've been in no contact for a week. Its been hell. It feels like six months have gone by. Started out with me crying every day, couldn't eat, kept having dreams about him. Totally miserable. Then slowly (this is actually over a two week period) I got my appetite back, packed his stuff up and put it out of sight, stopped crying. Still missed him a little but realized I"m better off (if he cheated on HER after only two days, he probably cheated on me at some point in our relationship and he was talking about getting engaged two weeks before he left me so if he can change his mind that quickly he's not someone I want to waste any more time with, plus he's with someone new and though that hurts like hell, it has helped me realize that he's not available and there is no point in trying to get him back.) So I started to feel a little better. Wasn't crying every day. Actually made it through the whole weekend and only cried once.

 

Yesterday I had the overwhelming urge to contact him. Tried to fight it. Ended up texting him asking if he would reconsider letting me see his son. No response all day. That hurt but I figured no contact is best and he has no plans on ever acknowledging that I exist. I wasn't sad, it just felt final.

Well that changed. Last night around 7pm he called me. he said he just got off work 20 minutes before and wanted to say hi. I acted cheerful, relaxed, not excited to hear from him or anything and not overly friendly. Just sort of distant like I didn't care. He told me he got my text and that I can see his son anytime I want. That he's not mad at me anymore. he said things are good with him and HER. Said she stays over most nights and she was there last night (he and I always argued about him wanting me to stay at his apartment every night (I only wanted to stay on weekends because he gets up really early for work and I have to drive 45 minutes to work from his place and only 15 minutes from my house so I prefered to stay at my house)

 

Anyway, he said "I can't lie to you, I've been thinking about you A LOT lately" I just laughed and said why would you be doing that? and he said well you were in my life for the last 3 years its hard not to think of you.

He went on to tell me that he didnt' leave me for her, that he left me because him and his son were always fighting when I was around (sorry but I dont' remember them fighting except at night when he tried to get his son to take a bath and then yes his son would cry and refuse because he wanted to see me.) but whatever makes him feel better I guess. he said that his new girlfriend is "ok but she's not you" He asked if I was dating anyone and I told him I"d been on a date (lie) and was talking to two guys (true but just talking as friends not as if I'm interested in dating already) He said "wow you move fast" and I had to laugh at that and I told him gee look who's talking because he started dating HER days after he told me it was over. He said that when he told her it was over with me she is the one who asked him out and he said yes because he likes having someone around. He asked me about the guys I"m talking to.He wanted details.

he again told me I can see his son anytime I want and I told him to just have his son call me if he wants to see me. It was such a total turn around from only a week ago (when he hated me)

 

As soon as we said bye (talked about 20 minutes) I started crying. I cried for about ten minutes straight. I missed him so badly. If he wouldnt have said "I've been thinking about you A LOT lately" I would have been ok. I would have just been happy that I can see his son again. But now knowing that he thinks about me and that maybe he misses me too. It just hurts. It makes me want him back and I'm having all these bad thoughts about trying to break him and his new girl up. That maybe I"d be up for secretly meeting him somewhere behind her back. I know that is horrible and I shouldnt' stoop that low but I just need something to make this pain go away.

 

Why would he tell me that anyway? To make himself feel less guilty? Because he still wants to be with me and might be regretting his decision? I mean he has a brand new girlfriend. He should be excited about her (they've only been dating two weeks!) and thinking about her 24/7. So why would he be thinking of me? I mean, I'm glad he is. I thought he'd just written me off, erased all our good times from his memory. It sucks because I'm back at square one practically, I'm crying and missing him and wanting him back. And I hate him for that.

[starlite]

I dont know why he said it, probably because he does think of you.

 

But (I'm gonna be blunt here). This is not a good man! He dropped you like you were nothing! That right there, then he is with someone else immediately after, sleeps with you, cheats on her and then proceeds to call to tell you how good they are doing.

 

Not to mention how CONFUSING this must be to his kid. I dont know where his Mom is, but that is irrelevant. He has one woman staying over often and in his life (you), then he tears you out and replaces you with a new woman confusing this poor kid even further.

 

The healthiest thing to do for you...walk away. This man has issues. He is not acting like an adult. I know you are very connected to his son, but you will never move on if you keep contact with them, and I am sure your ex's gf will be upset too.

 

Walk away, find someone more emotionally and mentally balanced, more adult and more deserving of you. He is not it. He is selfish.

[CaliGuy]

If he cheated with you on her, he will cheat on you with someone else. He's not good for you, no matter how much you love him.

[lexi29]

Its not that I want him back (ok maybe a small part of me would take him back if he wasn't with her but thats only because it would make all this pain and sadness go away!) I don't want a future with him. I know he is no good. I was doing ok when we were in no contact. yes, it sucked and it hurt like hell but at least I didn't have this confusion. I don't understand why he would call me after being very angry with me and telling me that I can never see his son again and then a week later change his mind and tell me he's been thinking about me a lot lately and that I can see his son anytime I want and he's not mad at me! I mean he's with a new girl, he should be all excited and into her and totally forget about me. So even if he is thinking about me why would he tell me this? Does he think it would make me feel better?

 

And he didnt' call to tell me how him and HER are doing. I actually asked (I didn't know if she'd dumped him for cheating on her with me). He didn't seem overly happy with her, just said yeah she's around a lot and sleeps over all the time (he was comparing her to me because I never slept over all the time even though he wanted me too.) I would think if he is perfectly happy with her he would have left things the way they were (he was angry at me and never wanted to speak to me again so we didn't have any contact and didn't plan on it)

 

Its almost like he wants to keep me around as an option because he's not sure he's really feeling his new girlfriend. Maybe she isn't living up to his expectations. Not to be rude but he did trade down and he knows it!

 

As for his son, I know I should probably stay away but I can't abandon him like that. His mother is in the picture but rarely sees him unless its court ordered. Yes, what his dad did was awful. I mean his son was used to me- I was around for the last six years of his life, I was with him practically every day for the last 3 years. So yeah it has to be hard on him to have his dad just instantly bring in a replacement. That poor kid is going to have some screwed up relationships with women when he grows up. If I do see him I'm not going to have any contact with my ex, other than calling to see if I can pick his son up. We will meet in a neutral place and I'll just pick him up and drop him off, no talking. And I really don't care if his new girlfriend doesn't like it.

[starlite]

I guess I was kind of thinking you wanted it back, because you said you wanted to sleep with him behind his gf's back etc.

 

WHat I kept thinking the whole time reading your response is "It shouldnt matter"...It shouldnt matter how there relationship is, why he said what he said, if he misses you, wants you on a backburner etc etc etc

 

 

He was a JERK! Left you out of nowhere, was with someone else immediately. He is a cheater, and he sounds manipulative, like he told you he missed you to keep your feelings there for him 'just in case'.

 

Again, you deserve better and I think his actions have spoken way louder than his words.

[lexi29]

I know you are right- he's wanting to keep me around just in case- the sick thing is that looks better to me than this lonely never ending cycle of pain and sadness. I mean I am so tired of seeing everyone around me happy- three of my good friends and my sister just got married this year, one of my good guy friends just got engaged and moved in with a new girlfriend, my one friend just got back from her honeymoon. My whole life in some way or another revolved around my ex. He fufilled my emotional needs (he was such a good listener and we talked every day) my sexual needs (we had so much fun in bed and were so attracted to eachother, thats why I said I had thoughts of sneaking aroudn with him behind his new girlfriend's back), he fufilled my social needs, and my need for affection (he loved to cuddle, hold hands kiss etc) and he made me feel good. Now suddenly ALL of that is gone and I know anyone who looks in on this mess says well you're better off, in six months you won't miss him you'll be so happy that you're not with him etc. And maybe thats true but right now it feels like I"m withdrawing from a drug and I just crave him. I was doing ok till he called and it was like I had a little taste of the drug again and now I'm saying to myself hmm just one hit, just one cigarette, whatever, just once (sleeping with him or seeing him again) and I know its wrong but it just left me missing him like crazy.

[starlite]

I know Lexi! It is so hard. I have recently been questioning myself and my break up too. I just get so sad without him and cant believe that all of a sudden we are supposed to spend our lives seperately, or with someone else. My ex was so affectionate, and listened and made me feel so great. But the bads were just too bad.

 

My best friend just got married. My cousin is getting married soon...and I feel just like you. But with him, you are losing out on all that happiness because he is not trustworthy. So being single for a bit will give you the chance to find that man that you can be so happy with.

 

That is how I try and think of it!

[CaliGuy]

If you're perfectly OK with being his "back up plan" (aka: Not #1 in his life) then continue to communicate with him.

 

If not, my suggestion is NC - for good.

[lexi29]

Honestly I don't know what I want. I know I have no future with him. Even if he left her and came crawling back to me- I could never accept his as fully into my life as I did before. I wouldn't be able to trust him. I just don't think I could feel as strongly about him as I did before because I"ve seen his true colors now. So I know we'd have no future. I can't imagine myself living with him or marrying him anymore. I definately couldn't stand to not be #1 anymore. I was #1 for the last three years. I think I want comfort from him or attention from him because it seems to be the only thing that will make this pain go away. I mean its so hard to just go cold turkey. Its not fair because I think about him all the time, I remember the good times, I can't go anywhere without having anxiety attacks at the thought that my life with him is over and I'll never have that back. I dream about him and his son at night, almost every single night. Dreams that we are back together or he misses me or that everything is like it used to be. Then I wake up to the cruel reality that my mind was playing tricks on me all night.

And I can't get used to the idea that no matter what, I'll never have anyone who smiles at me the same way he did, that shares our little jokes. Never have someone who was so eager to please me, so fun in bed, so sweet and loved to cuddle with me.

 

Yeah I'll meet someone new someday (hopefully) but it won't be HIM. And thats a hard thought to get used to even though I know I'm better off. yes, he's a cheat (probably cheated on me too if he cheated on her so quickly) yes, he's a liar, yes he's a bad father (jumping from woman to woman so quickly has to confuse his son), yes he's a jerk (I'm sure his new girlfriend wouldn't appreciate him calling me- the one he cheated on her with only 2 days after they were dating) and telling me he's been thinking about me alot lately. I mean thats pretty disrespectful to HER and his loyalty should lie with her now) I know all of this but my heart still misses him.

[lexi29]

so he texted me today asking if I wanted to see his son this weekend. I don't know how to respond. Why did he hate me a week ago and now he's contacting me quite often (last talked on wed). I just don't understand how someone can go from loving you to hating you and never wanting to talk to you again to calling you and telling you they've been thinking about you a lot lately! I mean he has a new girlfriend and seems happy with her so why call and tell me that he's been thinking of me. Was he just feeling guilty and wanted to throw a few crumbs my way?

[Kamille]

I think you are both participating in the hot and cold right now.

 

And I understand. I have been where you are and it hurts and we tend to do irrationnal things, like somehow pop up with a recording of the ex saying that he slept with you behind his new girl's back. What he did was wrong, but surely you understand that he could not react positively to that action? I think it explains why he told you he hated you and wanted you out of his life.

 

I do command you for wanting to stay in the child's life. For the last two years I have been taking care of a 8, now 9 year old going though his parent's divorce. At that age they need stability and they also react very brashly to abandonment. You could, however, instill a different system of staying in touch with him for a few weeks, like writing e-mails or letters. Perhaps going to go pick him up at school or day care and dropping him off home without running into the ex. Just make sure you are not using this child to stay in touch with the father.

 

It sounds like your ex and you are both in a phase of trying to manipulate the situation because you are having such a hard time sorting through the emotional fall out of a break up. He tells you what he thinks you want to hear, and you get in touch with him even though you know you would be better off in NC for some time still. The new girl? What does it matter how things are between the two of them? It sounds like a classical case of rebound.

 

But it doesn't change the fact that it's over between the two of you. Make yourself the priority here, go NC with your ex and get better.