Having the resolve to leave

[spookie]

I've made up my mind regarding my relationship with A. It's a waste of time.

 

He's the type of guy I want to be with in terms of intelligence, interests, values, how much fun we have together, etc., but I don't like the way I'm being treated.

 

For one thing, he's shown me no affection whatsoever. We've known each other for one intense month so maybe it's too soon for that, but he's said a total of three positive things to me ("I'm romantically interested", "I care about you", and "I like you too"). All our other interaction has been either serious conversation about "cold" topics, somewhat insulting banter (yesterday he told me he "vaguely disliked me"), and semi S+M sex.

 

He's spent a considerable amount of time with me, but I've noticed that it's either me initiating and him telling me he's busy with someone else but I can join in if I want, or him calling me up at 12:30 in the morning to tell me he's coming to pick me up so I could sleep over. I make sure there's no sex during these slumber parties, so I don't think he's after just that, but still... I want someone who makes time for me, someone who goes out of his way to make me smile.

 

I have already started falling in love with him and it's going to be hard to walk away when I so badly want to believe this has a chance. But, I know if I don't do this now, it's going to end up hurting me a lot more later on. In my gut, I know he doesn't like me enough to want a serious relationship with me. Maybe at some point he thought he did, but now that he's gotten to know me better, he doesn't. I don't blame him. Right now I don't even like myself. But still, I don't want to be rejected or abandoned, and I know it's coming. I need to leave before that happens.

 

Right?

 

Or is there a way to distance myself emotionally whilst training him to treat me the way I want?

[shadowplay]

I've made up my mind regarding my relationship with A. It's a waste of time.

 

He's the type of guy I want to be with in terms of intelligence, interests, values, how much fun we have together, etc., but I don't like the way I'm being treated.

 

For one thing, he's shown me no affection whatsoever. We've known each other for one intense month so maybe it's too soon for that, but he's said a total of three positive things to me ("I'm romantically interested", "I care about you", and "I like you too"). All our other interaction has been either serious conversation about "cold" topics, somewhat insulting banter (yesterday he told me he "vaguely disliked me"), and semi S+M sex.

 

He's spent a considerable amount of time with me, but I've noticed that it's either me initiating and him telling me he's busy with someone else but I can join in if I want, or him calling me up at 12:30 in the morning to tell me he's coming to pick me up so I could sleep over. I make sure there's no sex during these slumber parties, so I don't think he's after just that, but still... I want someone who makes time for me, someone who goes out of his way to make me smile.

 

I have already started falling in love with him and it's going to be hard to walk away when I so badly want to believe this has a chance. But, I know if I don't do this now, it's going to end up hurting me a lot more later on. In my gut, I know he doesn't like me enough to want a serious relationship with me. Maybe at some point he thought he did, but now that he's gotten to know me better, he doesn't. I don't blame him. Right now I don't even like myself. But still, I don't want to be rejected or abandoned, and I know it's coming. I need to leave before that happens.

 

Right?

 

Or is there a way to distance myself emotionally whilst training him to treat me the way I want?

 

You've only been seeing each other for a month so why would you expect more than "I care about you" from him? He's still getting to know you...it would be weird and creepy if he went farther than that so early on. I would give it a little more time before bailing. It doesn't sound like he's done anything that wrong...he's just taking things slow and a bit casually because it's still early and he probably hasn't yet decided what he wants out of the relationship.

 

If I were you, I'd have a heart to heart with him and express your desire to be in a serious, exclusive relationship. Say that you feel like he's not treating you seriously and you're not looking for a casual thing. Don't be specific about the behaviors you don't like, though, because guys seem to hate that. Then give him some space while he figurs things out. Also let him do most of the initiating from now on. Don't make yourself too available.

[Darkzen]

Wow... you seem a bit needy. My advice is to find a life of your own and spend time with your SO when you can. The problem seems to be that you want him to drop everything for you... but I'm sure if he did, you'd find some other reason to want to get out of the relationship (probably that he stifles you).

 

As for the resolve to leave, you've already been doing that. Building a case in your head to emotionally disconnect from him. I believe that you're merely looking for justification from others, because you know that it's unfair to him. Well, here's your justification... you don't deserve him, it'll be better for him in the long run, for you just to leave now, before you waste any more of his time.

 

Good luck.

 

Or is there a way to distance myself emotionally whilst training him to treat me the way I want?

P.S. This is really awesome btw... maybe you need to buy a dog and forget about finding a SO.

[ICallsEmAsISeesEm]

This is a guy you're already having "slight S&M" sex with, but he's not feeling compelled to be affectionate with you???? I don't even get that.

 

This is what happens when you start having sex way too soon and the whole thing becomes about sex.

 

Any man that disrespects me like that - making me his LAST priority, letting me know he's 'busy' with real friends and only has time for me at 12:30 at NIGHT for 'sleepovers' (and trust me, it's a booty call he's HOPING you'll let him have) and doesn't bother with ME unless I bother him FIRST, is someone I wouldn't even waste my breath on.

 

You know what, Spookie? He's showing you who he IS. It's very obvious you're just a casual sex relationship that he doesn't see as anything MORE. If you're looking for a serious relationship, next time do yourself a big favor and hold off on the sex until you see where it's going. You did yourself no favors letting him get his freak on with you so early in the game. You really didn't.

[spookie]

I'm not being used for sex, that's not the issue. I can elaborate on why, but I'll save my breath for now.

 

The issue is that in the whole month we've hung out, he has made no effort to get me one-on-one at a time condusive to emotional bonding. Either we are alone at 2:30am on a school night, or hanging out with a group of his friends because I called (or returned his call) to see what he was up to and he invited me. There's also a bit of stolen alone time in between us doing things separately (like in the mornings when I wake up at his place), which is when we really get to talk, but it's unplanned and requires zero thought and effort.

 

Example: I spent most of last weekend with him, but this is how it went.

 

Thursday I woke up at his place and we hung out a little. That night he went dancing with a female friend of his, I was not invited.

 

I texted him Friday about whether he wanted to get dinner. He said he already had plans with that friend, but how about I join them. So I did.

 

Eventually the friend left and I slept over. Saturday we hung out in the morning, then I left to go home. He called me after midnight to ask if I could pick him up from a party because he was drunk. I did, and we spent a chunk of Sunday together after I woke up at his place.

 

While I feel we're getting to know each other well as friends, I want more from a relationship. We're both busy people, but I need him to invest more in me than this before I will allow myself to fall for him. Maybe that's being needy, but I view it not settling for less than will make me happy.

[curiousnycgirl]

From what you describe, you've been allowing behaviours that you don't like. Rather than joining him when he invites you at the last minute, don't.

 

Rather than letting him pick you up at 12:30 am, tell him you've already gone to bed, and can't.

 

If you pick him up because he is too drunk to drive (which is a good thing) - don't spend the night, drop him off and go home.

 

Tell him you would really like to spend some quality 1:1 time, and would appreciate him scheduling that with you - just like he schedules time with his other friends. Tell him that of course it will also be nice to spend time as a group with his friends, that you need both - and since the relationship is so new, you would like to have "dates."

 

It's really that simple.

 

If he says yes, and does so - GREAT. If not then you can start thinking about whether or not this is going to work for you.

 

Make sense?

[spookie]

From what you describe, you've been allowing behaviours that you don't like. Rather than joining him when he invites you at the last minute, don't.

 

Rather than letting him pick you up at 12:30 am, tell him you've already gone to bed, and can't.

 

If you pick him up because he is too drunk to drive (which is a good thing) - don't spend the night, drop him off and go home.

 

Tell him you would really like to spend some quality 1:1 time, and would appreciate him scheduling that with you - just like he schedules time with his other friends. Tell him that of course it will also be nice to spend time as a group with his friends, that you need both - and since the relationship is so new, you would like to have "dates."

 

It's really that simple.

 

If he says yes, and does so - GREAT. If not then you can start thinking about whether or not this is going to work for you.

 

Make sense?

 

Good advice. I'm going to try this.

 

The trouble is, it's easy for me to hang out with him when he calls at midnight, because I go to school in the mornings and work till 9pm everyday, so late nights are my off-times as well. Plus, I love sleeping next to him.

 

But I have to say no sometimes or nothing's going to change.

[Darkzen]

Get your own life and meet in the middle! Being in a relationship doesn't mean you have to spend every "free minute" with your SO. It's actually unhealthy in the long run.

 

A relationship isn't two people lives' becoming one life... it's two people sharing their individual lives'. Each person needs their own life or things will eventually become a problem.

 

My ex lived vicariously through me, she had no friends of her own. Eventually she began to feel stifled, yet I let her do whatever the hell she felt like (in-fact we lived in different states the past 2+ years). We saw one another whenever possible (like 4-5 weeks a year). She had no life of her own and that was a big problem. Because it magnified everything when she did see me. If I didn't jump for joy every time I saw her or fit excitement into each of her visits, I was the jerk. Sorry but, I prefer to meet in the middle... it's not fair for her, to want me to turn every visit into a special occasion.

 

I see you headed down the same path. You may want to talk to your man, but ultimately you have to change as much as he does... training him isn't the answer.