freetolive Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 What if you have no expectations of what is to come of the affair? No promises and no demands? This is the relationship I have been in for many many years. We both love each other tremendously but there are no expectations from either one of us. I know people will say what we are doing is not right so please spare me the attacks. I know that we are in love with each other and this is what works for the both of us. Is anyone else in the same type of relationship?
OpenBook Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 Is anyone else in the same type of relationship? Nope, I'm not. I have never been able to achieve this ideal state with another person. I don't believe that it is humanly possible. I hope you will share more of how you are able to pull it off!!
empty906 Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 No expectations? That's the only way I see we can have a functioning relationship with someone who has hurt us, betrayed us, or taken something from us. If you do not expect anything, nothing from this person, then you greatly diminish the chances of being hurt again. By not expecting positive feedback, by not expecting interaction, by not expecting a return on any of the emotions you invest in the relationship you can sustain and move on with your life. And you will control it because your emotions will be less involved in your decision making. When you expect nothing and something is given to you then you are always surprised and grateful. And also, when nothing is done you find yourself not even noticing.
OWoman Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 Is anyone else in the same type of relationship? I have been, many times. All of my Rs were like this, until my current one with MM. I think it's a very satisfying and evolved way to live, and it's stable. Enjoy, freet, I hope it brings you much happiness!
liddie Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 My R with my MM is/was pretty much the same way. However, I found myself wanting more. I guess its human nature or the American way...to always want want want..
GreenEyedLady Posted October 19, 2007 Posted October 19, 2007 What if you have no expectations of what is to come of the affair? No promises and no demands? This is the relationship I have been in for many many years. We both love each other tremendously but there are no expectations from either one of us. I know people will say what we are doing is not right so please spare me the attacks. I know that we are in love with each other and this is what works for the both of us. Is anyone else in the same type of relationship? No, I'm not in that type of R...and the expectation of your R, is actually that there are no expectations... And if that works for you and him, then that's really all that matters...
woman_inlove Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 We share the same dear. Im deeply love with a MM and i dont want to lose him. I have this feeling of fulfillment everytime he tells me how happy he is having me. Wer not committed, as we always say to each other.... enjoy life together and have fun............ i know this is immoral but the happiness im giving him is something i find truly fulfilling. Weird but...............
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 I had a few interactions like that. They worked at the time, I guess. Given the relationship I have now, though - I don't know that I would ever go back to an interaction with someone like that, especially given what I am going through now. I rely a great deal emotionally and physically on my friends, family and my guy during this hardship, and I can't imagine going through it with him having to run home to his wife during some of the physically and emotionally darkest times I have ever had. I guess the 'no expectation' thing works if things are going well in your life, but I would hate to think the person I loved couldn't be there for me when the serious sh*t comes down and I really needed him to be there. Its nice to have friends and family helping out, but its especially nice to have the man you love by your side, and not one who can only be by your side for as long as he can get away with without his wife finding out. For those in the long term in these 'no expectation' relationships, have either of you talked about what would happen if one of you got seriously ill, and wanted to be there for the other but couldn't because of the nature of the relationship? I guess I am just more macabre than usual, but I really am curious as to how serious people when they say they have 'no expectations' and to what extent those 'no expectations' run.
waiting4heaven Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 What if you have no expectations of what is to come of the affair? No promises and no demands? If you have no expectations of the other how can you say you love each other? I am not by any means questioning your feelings or saying you are wrong, but rather I am inquiring as to how you can say no expectations, when love itself has demands of its own, like loyalty, honor and commitment? I have been in relationships where there were no expectations, until mm waltzed into my life and changed all that, but I did not love the other men and therfore it was easy to not have any expectations. Can you please explain how this is done? How do you just not worry, care or think? How can you not talk about the future? I would love to be able to do this with the current pain I am in because I am finding myself hurt by mm's lack of living up to his own offers and words.....(Expectations!) Please explain....I think I need your wisdom!!!
frannie Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 I think people are talking about two different things on this thread. I think the OP was asking about no expectations of him leaving the marriage, rather than no expectations of how the relationship actually IS on a day-to-day basis. I think it's possible to have no expectations of a MM leaving, and yet plenty of expectations of how the relationship is, how you're treated, and so on. To my mind it's no different to dating anyone and having no expectations that you'll get married (or any other future 'goal'), and yet insist that he doesn't break dates, always calls when he says he will, treats you properly and so on. For me personally, right now worries about where it's going to all end up are secondary to considering whether we're actually compatable long-term at all.
highlifemoon Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 Ah, but you do have an expectation and that is for your relationship to continue. What if one of you opts out? Will it be painful? To come and go as you please without regard, will it hurt your soul eventually?
frannie Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 Ah, but you do have an expectation and that is for your relationship to continue. What if one of you opts out? Will it be painful? To come and go as you please without regard, will it hurt your soul eventually? Really? Anyone can opt out of any relationship at any time. Will it hurt him if I opt out? Would it hurt you if your partner (if you have one) opts out, and vice versa? Relationships involve two people, and both of those have to want it to continue. Your words apply to any relationship.
highlifemoon Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 Absolutely! However, if intimacy is involved, so is attachment. With that an emotional bond. We're talking about a relationship that has been going on for years? Of course you can't have any expectations if things are still the same. This sounds more like a friend with benefits. If it works for you, then what can anyone say?
frannie Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 If it works for you, then what can anyone say? Indeed. Over and out.
Blue Eyed Brain Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 What do you do when you want to see him? Just repress the feeling??? When I get into a relationship, I'm really into the relationship. That's why I'm asking....
highlifemoon Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 Freetolive, to answer your question. "Is anyone else out there in this type of relationship?" Yes....I am...indirectly. I found this website purely by putting a question of my own out there to the internet cosmos. Call it coincedence, a click of the mouse, but not only did this website come up, but you Freetolive, your thread is what popped up first. So in an effort to help myself, why is it you really want to know?
lonegal Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 What if you have no expectations of what is to come of the affair? No promises and no demands? This is the relationship I have been in for many many years. We both love each other tremendously but there are no expectations from either one of us. I know people will say what we are doing is not right so please spare me the attacks. I know that we are in love with each other and this is what works for the both of us. Is anyone else in the same type of relationship? Your very lucky. I think both of you have come to terms of what you really want. I've read a lot from this forum about expectation, and to tell you the truth some are very entertaining, others are to be taken with a grain of salt. The moment people jump into a relationship its about being able to understand each other. More like, he wants this, I want that kind of expectation. For your case, I think its agreeing on something and letting it carry your relationship. Love as you mentioned is so powerful in your case that it goes beyond norms or standards of what others usually demand or expect from others.
OWoman Posted November 6, 2007 Posted November 6, 2007 Absolutely! However, if intimacy is involved, so is attachment. With that an emotional bond. I disagree. I've had plenty of As and other "Rs" that were intimate but involved no attachment, which I could - and did - drop at a whim when it suited me (as per the agreement upfront). Some people just find it very easy to compartmentalise those kinds of things and I'm one of them. Friends for emotional attachment, lovers for sex, family for drama, pets for unconditional love, work for satisfaction and recreation for pleasure. There's no inevitability about the intimacy = attachment equation at all!
highlifemoon Posted November 6, 2007 Posted November 6, 2007 I disagree. I've had plenty of As and other "Rs" that were intimate but involved no attachment, which I could - and did - drop at a whim when it suited me (as per the agreement upfront). Some people just find it very easy to compartmentalise those kinds of things and I'm one of them. Friends for emotional attachment, lovers for sex, family for drama, pets for unconditional love, work for satisfaction and recreation for pleasure. There's no inevitability about the intimacy = attachment equation at all. But if you love someone how can you not get attached? We're talking years here. And the question again "Is anyone else out there in this type of R?" One where there is no expectation. Years of no expectation.
Impudent Oyster Posted November 6, 2007 Posted November 6, 2007 What if you have no expectations of what is to come of the affair? No promises and no demands? This is the relationship I have been in for many many years. We both love each other tremendously but there are no expectations from either one of us. I know people will say what we are doing is not right so please spare me the attacks. I know that we are in love with each other and this is what works for the both of us. Is anyone else in the same type of relationship? If you lived in a bubble and there was no one else involved, then I'd say you had no worries, but that isn't the case, is it?
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