Hulme Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 After 6 months, guy I'm with says that he's never been able to think of me as his girlfriend. That he's tried, but he still thinks of me as a friend. I ask him for his definition of the difference. He says that he's very attracted to me, we have a lot of fun together and a great emotional connection, but he sees how his friends actually "hurt" when they're apart from their new girlfriends, but although he's happy when he's with me, he's also happy spending time apart and doesn't miss me when I'm not around. I think he's using a very immature definiton of love. All his previous relationships have been very drama filled, and I pride myself on being pretty drama-free. Still, though, I can't help thinking this guy is a really great match for me (for all the reasons he gave). In the end, though he didn't ask, I told him I didn't want to continue to be exclusive with someone who felt they were "missing out" with me. He said I was the only girl he's ever dated that he'd want in his life even when the relationship ended. We haven't decided/ defined what we are to each other at this point. Should I continue as a friend? A friend with benefits? Dating non-exclusively? Try to create some harmless drama? Give him space to miss me?
Trialbyfire Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 Should I continue as a friend? Only if you're over any strong positive/negative emotions. A friend with benefits? What incentive are you providing him, to induce him to want anything more with you? Dating non-exclusively? He's given you the understanding that he doesn't want anything beyond friendship. Give him space to miss me? Another approach which is an attempt to passive-aggressively control his actions. If I were in your shoes, I would stay away from him until you are capable of stepping back and looking at him without strong emotions. When you hit that point, friendship is very possible, if that's what you want. In the interim, I would stay away from him.
Author Hulme Posted October 18, 2007 Author Posted October 18, 2007 Well, to clarify: didn't put in every little detail since my post already seemed horribly long . My confusion here is that he's called a couple of times since this talk to ask me out in ways that are EXACTLY the same as when we were dating. And he has "hit on" me too. Then other calls are more buddy-like. (So much for men not sending "mixed signals"!) And when I let contact slide more on my part (mostly to make sure the "friends" speech wasn't just a nice way of saying "You! Out of my life!"), he started contacting me as frequently as he did during the first month we knew each other, when he was pursuing me and I wasn't sure about dating him.
Trialbyfire Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 All his previous relationships have been very drama filled, 'nuff said... I suspect there's continuity there, somewhere...
Author Hulme Posted October 18, 2007 Author Posted October 18, 2007 Sigh...I know you're right. But it feels like I've met the "right guy" just a couple years too early! (Hell, I didn't "miss him" when he wasn't around either, but then again, I'm not in high school!) He's exorcised the drama in all the other areas of his life, but I think he hasn't "gotten there" with his romantic relationships. Is it okay to stick around with hope, but no expectations, as long as I actively try to date others? For the record, I didn't think the FWB thing would work either, I just put it out there because I'm trying to include all the possible options.
Trialbyfire Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 Is it okay to stick around with hope, but no expectations, as long as I actively try to date others? I can't tell you what to do but I will say that hope keeps you from moving on. You can keep waiting and hoping for him to mature and see your value, or you can move on and find someone else who appreciates what you have to offer.
Author Hulme Posted October 18, 2007 Author Posted October 18, 2007 You're right, I have to decide what I can handle. So I guess my question is more appropriately stated as: Has anyone had a similar experience? What did you do? How did it work out for you?
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