Corasjo Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 Listen. I've never posted here or told anyone what I'm about to say so please be nice and considerate. Thoughts and suggestions are appreciated. I'll try to keep this 'short'. Okay. I'm 20 years old and I'm a junior in college. I'm poor at dating, girls, and I feel so young when I talk about this crap. Here we go. Last year I was interested in my girl who was in my zoology lab, I never really worked the courage to ask her out but we just informally talked as friends in lab. Summer passed. New semester. By coincidence, she is in my genetics class this semester and I spotted her out of the crowd and sat by her, not wanting to ruin this neat little opportunity. I liked her and I wanted to get to know her. Come to find out, by coincidence she also works my shift at work... Weird huh. Swear to god, coincidence. Over the first couple weeks we did become good friends, she's an amazing person with a great sense of humor and personality. Two weeks in the semester she tells me at work her boyfriend broke up with her, and she's hurt. So ya. I told her I was sorry, but call me a bastard but an opportunity arose again.. I suppose.. Listen. I befriended her more and we became closer. It wasn't long before she became more physical with me, grab my arm, hands, hugs, etc. We'd go out together. I took her places. We went slow. I knew she had to go slow. We spent a lot of time together. I guess at the time I was blind, I thought she really did like me. Maybe did. Does. I remember one day after class we went to a computer lab and she always teased me I wasn't taking zoology (yes, again.. don't ask) with her this semester. I asked her if she'd help me with it next semester and she said with the biggest smile, "That depends". On what, I ask, and got that sly smile and she didn't say anything else. ... So ya. I thought we were doing well. For example, after work one Friday I invited her over and we watched a movie til 4 and she cuddled in my arms the whole time and I kissed her, finally, good night when she left. And that's the peak of it right there. That Sunday I was convinced and I told her I liked her and suggested a relationship. Sigh. Oops. She told me it was too soon yet, she's not over her ex, and that's that. Seriously. It's been 1.5 weeks and I haven't gotten much out of her, she's shied away from me and generally I feel ignored.. I see her because, well, I have too but I'm still 0-3 on returned calls. I suspected I might of been more of a rebounder, and her reaction pretty much confirms it, no? Did she treat me as just a friend? I mean I wouldn't of thought so... Sigh. Oops. I scared her away. Now it feels like this thing is all wide open and in the air and there needs to be a continuation someplace or a conclusion, for me for god sake at least. It's like putting down a book during its climax. Questions I pose for you, Where did I really mess up? Should I have waited longer, not said anything at all, or said something sooner? I felt something had to be said about our relationship. What should I do? This open book has to be finished one way or another, what could I say? This has gone on long enough and something needs to be said. She can't just walk away like that but I could use answers. How up front should I be? I don't want to risk hurting her or, really, losing a friend. This craps over my head. Thanks for reading and no - you can't make a book deal off this. Sorry for the block of text. Apparently these forums do that.
Saxis Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 Sounds like you were pretty up front about what you wanted - a relationship. It was her move next, and she decided she needed more time. I would respect her decision and move on. Date other girls. She might change her mind, but if she doesn't, at least you'll already be on your way to getting over her and healing.
jophil28 Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 Listen. Sigh. Oops. Questions I pose for you, Where did I really mess up? RIght here - The reason women get with a new guy after a break up is for ego repair and validation. Women have no scrupples in using you as an emotional tampon. YOu have been used,my man. DUmp her back on the scrapheap. Jophil Rule #12 - NEver date a woman who is still connected to an ex in some way. or who is not out of a relationship for more than 12 months. These are Category 1 girls - attention wh*res at the least,and branch swingers at worst. Write this in your journal under "Priceless and golden wisdom from Jophil'"
MystifiedByMen Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 Listen. Sigh. Oops. Questions I pose for you, Where did I really mess up? RIght here - The reason women get with a new guy after a break up is for ego repair and validation. Women have no scrupples in using you as an emotional tampon. YOu have been used,my man. DUmp her back on the scrapheap. Jophil Rule #12 - NEver date a woman who is still connected to an ex in some way. or who is not out of a relationship for more than 12 months. These are Category 1 girls - attention wh*res at the least,and branch swingers at worst. Write this in your journal under "Priceless and golden wisdom from Jophil'" Ahh... yeah, don't listen to Jophil. That's GAY talk! Anywho, you went for what you felt and now have no regrets. You shouldn't. Date others and she'll come to you when/if she's ever ready. Remain friendly when you see her.
Sean0775 Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 For example, after work one Friday I invited her over and we watched a movie til 4 and she cuddled in my arms the whole time and I kissed her, finally, good night when she left. And that's the peak of it right there. Congratulations bro, you were officially a Cuddle-Bitch. Don't sweat it and just move on, brooding on it will only result in more wasted time. Don't let it get to you that it happened, every man ends up a Cuddle-Bitch at some point in his life. Just one of those learning experiences.
dropdeadlegs Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 It's funny to me, but I agree with all of the previous posts (2-4 since more may come while I'm typing.) She does know how you feel and has essentially rejected further advancement. Moving on is probably in your best interest. Rebounds ARE about ego repair and validation, and I agree that many are not ready to date for many months after a break up. You did go for it and shouldn't have any regrets. You may have regretted it more had you not done so. In reality, there are no rules of engagement when it comes to matters of love. If the right person comes along after a breakup , it might be days later or months later, a person may not be ready emotionally. BUT that doesn't mean that you haven't planted a seed that may very well be sown. In your case I think I would be friendly, but not overly so. No more phone calls, you've already struck out. But in class, be friendly but don't exert pressure. In other words, be non-threatening. Either you will gain nothing (but remember, nothing ventured, nothing gained) or you will retain her interest. The fact that she cuddled with you shows interest. I don't cuddle with my friends. My guess is that she sees you as a possibility. I don't promote game playing, but if your interest seemed to wane, I think she might just amp it up again. It's always a gamble, though. Know the stakes and your limits.
xfess Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 Corasjo, I feel for you bro. The problem was that both of you got too attached to early and she was affraid to commit. Even if you slowed it down chances are that the same result would have occured so it was better off you had it happen sooner than later when you really became attached. The same thing happened to me less than a month ago. For 1 week we were hanging out, doing things, kissing, and so on. She was crazy about me and I was the same for her.... A week later I told her I liked her and things just went down hill. she got out of a 3 year relationship and was dating other guys. she knew I was looking for a relationship and told me not to wait for her. I felt it was unfair of her to do this to me, but I knew I got WAYYY TOO ATTACHED. The upside is that we're still friends (nothing more) and chat online every day or so. The moral of this story is beware of girls who just got out of long term relationship, especially the ones in their late teens to mid 20's. She wants to go out and have the freedom to date guys and not be held down because she has a BF (just like the girl I dated said to me). As I said earlier, Im in the same boat as you, I just turned 24 and was poor at dating girls. My advice to you is move on (I know it hurts but give it some time). You're in college, the best years of your life, there are plenty of girls out there at your school or even try online personals (I have 1 upcoming date and Im talking to 5 other girls). If you still want to talk to this girl, then just stay friends but DONT PUSH OR PRESSURE ANYTHING. perhaps she may have a change of heart, but dont sit there waiting 'cause it may not happen, so go out there and meet some new girls.
TheSilentType Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 Been there buddy. Well you did what you had to do. Atleast you didn't stall and wonder for a long time. While its ok to still not be over your X, its plain devious to lead someone on by cuddling with them and letting them kiss you. Just learn your lesson now and don't hang out too much with her. Minimize your contact with her to the bare minimum Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever have interest in a girl who has just got out of a relationship. If you do, crush it. You'll just end up a fool otherwise. Have some self respect.
jophil28 Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 ....and I told her I liked her and suggested a relationship. Sigh. Oops. She told me it was too soon yet, she's not over her ex, and that's that. . Jophil's rule #13 ( Guy's this is free advice so write it down quick before I edit it out) * Never, EVER , tell a girl that you "like " her until two things are in place. One, that she has QUALIFIED herself to you by demonstating her WORTH as a G/friend. YOu got to filter out the wackjobs . ( I bet you thought that she would go all gooey and melt into your arms. NO, my friend you popped the balloon of intrigue and anticipation for her . Women thrive on that stuff. TENSION is key dude. * Secondly, Never be open about your feelings with a woman until she is deeply in love with you. Her interest level needs to ALWAYS be higher than yours . How do you do that ? By creating mystery, intrigue and being unpredictable and a little unavailable BUT at the same time feeding SOME of her needs for romance. NOw read this all again - You can thank me in the future when that HB 9 in BIO. is clawing at your clothes.
jophil28 Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 Oh while I remember- NEVER get involved witha Category 1 chick ( less that 12 months out of an LTR ) THey are all about ego repair and validation - attention wh0res. THey are\not fit to waste your energy on . Don't let them recover on your time. THey are USERS.
Kerewin Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 Congratulations bro, you were officially a Cuddle-Bitch. Don't sweat it and just move on, brooding on it will only result in more wasted time. Don't let it get to you that it happened, every man ends up a Cuddle-Bitch at some point in his life. Just one of those learning experiences. Wow, Sean is "cuddle bitch" really a category men can find themselves in? As a woman, I can say that just SUCKS! I never go for the "cuddly" part of a relationship until things have already become physical. In other words, I keep physical contact pretty minimal until I'm ready to take things further. Think it's too much of a set up unless they know they're going to get lucky at least SOME of the time. LOL.
Sean0775 Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 Wow, Sean is "cuddle bitch" really a category men can find themselves in? As a woman, I can say that just SUCKS! I never go for the "cuddly" part of a relationship until things have already become physical. In other words, I keep physical contact pretty minimal until I'm ready to take things further. Think it's too much of a set up unless they know they're going to get lucky at least SOME of the time. LOL. Yes, and the problem is it's obscenely hard to tell you're in that category until it's too late, especially if it's the first time it happens. Anymore, I have my guard up if the physical contact goes anywhere beyond a quick kiss goodnight. While the girl in question will typically think her Cuddle Bitch is a really sweet guy and probably won't think she's doing anything wrong, the whole thing is most likely a dead end street that stops when she finds a real boyfriend, or when the guy attempts to advance things and gets the brush off.
Kerewin Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 Wow. You're right that it's wrong for women to do that. I guess they probably try to pass it off as seeing a guy as "a brother" or "just a friend", but that's just B.S. Women don't routinely cuddle with their girlfriends or brothers. They cuddle with their BOYFRIENDS. Period. If it's just about using a guy to satisfy the need for being held (which is something that women do have), that's just as unfair and selfish as guys being dishonest about what they want from women to get laid.
reelwoman Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 yeah, this is an eye-opener for me---never knew of the "cuddle bitch" scenario. I'm with Kerewin---cuddling is something you do later, AFTER you've already started some kind of sexual relationship--not before. It would just feel weird to me to cuddle with someone I'm not already dating....I"m either interested in being physical or I'm not. That does suck if women are using men like that----sorry, Corasjo! But I agree with the idea of being friendly but setting boundaries---no cuddles for her if she's not going to date you. She is sending mixed signals and maybe she doesn't know what she wants, but even so, that's not respectful to you.
JackhammerGemma Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 Wow, Jophil, you sound like you're hiding bitterness behind your so-called dating rules, which are pretty lame and generalized. I went back to back with relationships recently, and relationship #2 is NOT a rebound. Actually I should thank him for getting me out of relationship #1. Not every girl who does this is an attention whore. Please.
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