am i immoral Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 I am a 30 year old woman who got married 6 years ago to a good guy who is four years younger than me. We stayed together for 2 and a half years then separated. I left the state and moved away. He has visited me twice and since I have lived away I have dated and had one serious relationship that ended very badly. The last time he visited I felt nothing, no attraction or interest so I told him there was no chance of reconciliation, BUT I think of him as my fall-back and we still are not divorced. Every time I am lonely I think of him and how good our relationship was...it really was...and wish I had him back. (my memory is very short) Until I meet someone new and then he goes to the back of my mind again. The last time we talked he told me he loves me and wants to be together again someday and that is the reason we have not been divorced. I just met this other guy who I like, we have been dating and I just feel like I am yanking both of them around in different ways. Someone talk some sense into me!!!
Crestfallen_KH Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 If you know there is no chance of reconciliation and you are keeping him around as a fall-back, that's such a cruel thing to do. It prevents him from healing and moving on. You are abusing his love and desire to get back together with you because you evidently lack the ability to be comfortable with the idea of being totally on your own. Work on yourself, and start the paperwork. That's my advice.
Trimmer Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 I also advise being very honest with your "dates" about your situation. This is important information that they need to know about you, earlier rather than later. You don't sound very "available" emotionally, so anyone looking for a real relationship would want to know this. And yes, if you are seeing one guy while you are married and unwilling to divorce the first guy because you aren't sure if you want to spend the rest of your life with him, then you are jerking them both around. As long as you are being upfront and honest with both of them, then at least you are.... well, being honest. But if you are hiding any part of this from either one, then you have created a darker, more sinister problem for yourself, and for them.
woodsfield Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 The last time he visited I felt nothing, no attraction or interest so I told him there was no chance of reconciliation, BUT I think of him as my fall-back and we still are not divorced. Every time I am lonely I think of him and how good our relationship was...it really was...and wish I had him back. you wish you had "him" or "it" (what you had in the relationship) back. and it really WAS good. it ain't anymore. do both of you a favor and get a divorce or an annulment. it is time to move on.
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 Don't be surprised if a woman comes along and takes your H off of your back burner and puts him her front one. Have you prepared for that possibility?
Cobra_X30 Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 The last time he visited I felt nothing, no attraction or interest so I told him there was no chance of reconciliation, BUT I think of him as my fall-back and we still are not divorced. Every time I am lonely I think of him and how good our relationship was...it really was...and wish I had him back. (my memory is very short) Until I meet someone new and then he goes to the back of my mind again. I'd say you have some internal issues to tackle. First, the marriage couldnt have been all that, because you are seperated, and when he is there in person you dont have any attraction to him. This tells me you have a tendency to romantasize things in your mind. This may have something to do with why your memory seems so short!
Unluckilymadlyinlove Posted October 19, 2007 Posted October 19, 2007 I think you are yanking both of the around but what is worse is that you are the one that is going to end up hurt. You need to either work things out with your husband OR divorce and start dating once you have a clean slate. THis is not healthy for your marriage or any potential boyfriends/future husbands you might have. It seems like the ideal situation, the best of both worlds but it is just going to bite you in the butt. If you are unhappy in your marriage, you should divorce. Even if you do divorce, it is not like you have to loose him as a friend. Leading your husband on if you have no plans of reconnecting is only going to hurt him and make him resent you! Good Luck!
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