New TO Love Shack

[woundedspouse]

I am new to LS and new to the pain and devistation of infidelity, having recently discovered my H's cheating.

 

WIhtout too much detail (time constraints) he has cheated on me with 3 people over 5 years. I had NO CLUE. They were all people from work. 2 affairs were physical, one was online with an old GF. The online partner and he did meet out of town on a business trip but have both sworn nothing happened in a sexual manner. I am not naieve. I am finding that hard to believe. But they did have the constraint of other people / coworkers being there and very strict time constraints. I am in NO WAY excusing his behavior. SHe shared nnude photos of herself, and talked explicitly about HER sex life. The other 2 affairs were physical. One was only physical and one was emotional and physical.

 

SInce discovery, he is doing EVERYTHING he can to save our marriage. I am committed to TRYING, but am not sure I can get past all of this.

 

I am wondering if he is considered a serial cheater? If so, I assume I can expect the same behavior again.

 

DOes anyone have good info / links on serial cheating. As much as I look I cannot find anything.

 

I will post more in the future, with more details @ our relationship, etc....... But am hoping for now, you can share your insight with me.

 

Thanks

 

Wounded Spouse

[Trimmer]

wounded: I'm very sorry you're here...

 

I can't pronounce him one way or the other, but I was trying to think of where his multiple transgressions fit into the serial cheater idea. Does he get special consideration because you didn't find out?

 

My thoughts took me to one question: After his first one, did he feel that it was wrong?

 

Now, before you go running to ask him, let's think about things first. If he felt it was wrong then, during or after the first one, why didn't he do something about it to correct his behavior? Even if he wasn't going to tell you "to protect you" or whatever, why didn't he make himself a better person? If he had any sense of honor, loyalty to you or the marriage, shouldn't he have seen it for the frightening, earth-shaking, momentous turning point that it was? My goodness, how big a mistake would he have to make to convince him that he needed to change?

 

On the other hand, if he didn't feel it was wrong at the time, then that could certainly explain why he went on and had other affairs, and didn't change his behavior. But according to what you say, he seems to be acting quite remorseful now. If that's the case then it sounds an awful lot like it worked for him.... as long as it kept working for him.... but now that things have changed, he realizes what he has put at risk. Again, I ask a familiar sounding question: why was having the affairs not enough to make him understand that risk? Why was it only your discovery of the affairs that woke him up?

 

I'm sorry I don't have much to offer beyond some questions to ponder. Like I said, I can't really slap a label on him one way or the other, "serial" or not - maybe you'll find some help as you research some. It's safe to say that the "it was a stupid mistake" excuse is really only good for a first-time, one-time thing - and it isn't really even all that "good" in that case, either.

 

I believe that, if you decide to stay with the marriage, he will need to do some serious soul searching and investigation into his own behavior. Just leaving it at "love will get us through it" or "we'll get through it together" or restating your vows or something like that isn't enough. It will require serious introspection and work on his part, and he needs to prove to you the results of that work.

[woundedspouse]

I guess I am questioning the serial cheater thing because I have read that in all likelyhood, they will do it again, regardless of showing remorse. With that said, I have found very little text / info that "defines" a serial cheater. My assumption is that it means someone that cheats more than once. I think it is different than a sex addict, but certainly warrants serious consideration as to whether or not he is "able" to stop. Obviously having a Label doesn't give me a crystal ball, but it does give me some insight as to what I might reasonably expect.

 

We are both in therapy. He is doing once a week solo and we are @ every 10 day - 2 weeks together. He has stopped ALL communications with the OW. He has opend all email / cell / voice mail, etc........ He recently retired and started his own company, so the computer, etc. is all accessible by me. He has shared hidden email accounts, etc..... Are there still more? Possibly, but I will also be putting a key logger on to double check things.

 

It has been 6 weeks since D Day. The first 4 weeks seemed more hopeful to me tyhan the last few. I think it is because the pain is not lessening. We have had some other circumstances that ( for me) make it evven harder to think about forgiving. I have been fighting cancer for 4 years. He has been involved with his first for at least a year and a half when I was diagnosed. He chose, at such a scary time NOT to stop. I did 13 months of very aggressive chemo, all the while he was getting L^&*D. I was clear for about 6 months then relapsed. He was by then in the midst of his3rd affair. He again chose not to stop. WHen he started this one, it was about 2 weeks after a vacation. We were intimate for the first time in a long time ( due to chemo) and really talked about getting things back on track, etc........ I amnot sure how to get past all of this betrayal. I know the infidelity is the BIGGEST betrayal, but that it happened and continued to happen while I was fighting for my life seems to make it 10 x worse for me. I am not sure I can get over that.

 

I do look forward to all of your questions and advice.

 

WOunded spouse

[Crestfallen_KH]

Woundedspouse -

 

I am so, so sorry for all that you are going through. My heart truly goes out to you.

 

I have a book recommendation for you. It's really helped me a lot. It's called "Surviving Infidelity" by Rona Subotnik and Gloria G. Harris. It discusses the types of affairs (including the serial affair) and helps you make decisions and provides coping tips. I highly recommend it.

 

Please take care of yourself.

[abeliever]

Without sounding harsh. He is a serial cheater. I only come to you from personal experience sad to say. I too have a husband (soon to be ex) that started in emotional affairs but I just cussed and threatened and never moved out or filed for divorce so now 5 affairs later and last two physical and a child on the way (he is not sure its even his) yes they are serial cheaters and no they do not get better. He really tried to work it out and do the right thing but the urge was more than both of us.

 

I have learned most from all of this that it is not me, this is HIS problem, and I cannot fix him only he can when he is willing and ready to do so. I went to couseling and read books and went to peer groups at church. No not all cases are the same but the statistics are coming out that in these days and times, people are not sorry for their bad actions.

 

Let me just say what I have learned. I wish I would have been more worried about me more than I was him. But I concentrated on getting HIM better leaving me aside and he did it again. I wish and hope you really listen to me. Put money aside get your documentation you will need only for just in case. But better to be prepared than not.

 

I AM A BELIEVER. Do not get me wrong. Before I was naive and just thought all people did the right thing in life. Well its a different world out there and no they do not do the right thing and will smile and lie to your face while doing it. Getting over on people now days is just a game, only I didn't get the memo.

 

So now, I am a realist and look out for my best interest and then others. How can you take care of others when you are not taken care of? I am hoping no children are involved. I was lucky my daughter moved out 1 1/2 yrs before all of this madness (aka : Jerry Springer life).

 

I don't wish this on Osama Bin Laden. Its just too hurtful and do you ever really ever get over it? I am thinking no but you can move forward and hopefully to a better life.

 

Wishing you wisdom and comfort in your time of need.

 

ABELIEVER