Crestfallen_KH Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 Do you think when two married people come together to begin an adulterous relationship that increases or decreases the likelihood that they would stay together? I know it's hard to find actual statistics on this stuff, so any answer would be conjecture, but I would think that a MM/MW with a single person might have a greater chance than two M folks coming together. You would think the chances might be good that one of the individuals in the couple would want to return to their marriage or would drag their feet on the divorce (possibly upsetting the other person). But there might be no effect at all, since it depends on the people involved and the reasons for the affair in the first place. Can anyone speak from experience? I know I shouldn't even be wasting energy thinking about this, and for the most part I am just focused on me and my own healing, but I am also human - and have been wondering about this. Crestfallen
Lizzie60 Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 Do you think when two married people come together to begin an adulterous relationship that increases or decreases the likelihood that they would stay together? I know it's hard to find actual statistics on this stuff, so any answer would be conjecture, but I would think that a MM/MW with a single person might have a greater chance than two M folks coming together. You would think the chances might be good that one of the individuals in the couple would want to return to their marriage or would drag their feet on the divorce (possibly upsetting the other person). But there might be no effect at all, since it depends on the people involved and the reasons for the affair in the first place. Can anyone speak from experience? I know I shouldn't even be wasting energy thinking about this, and for the most part I am just focused on me and my own healing, but I am also human - and have been wondering about this. Crestfallen I honestly think that it doesn't make any difference... Of course it is much easier for the person who is single... but to say that it increases the chance of getting together... I don't think so. Each situation is different. It's hard to say it's that way or that way... it's every way....
Author Crestfallen_KH Posted October 17, 2007 Author Posted October 17, 2007 Yeah, I guess it's a silly question. It's probably synonymous with trying to prove a negative.
reboot Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 The often quoted odds that a marriage born of infidelity lasting more than 5 years is 3%. I've never read any statistics apart from that.
RollMeAway Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 Yeah, I guess it's a silly question. It's probably synonymous with trying to prove a negative. Hey, I wouldn't worry about it. This is a forum, for discussing stuff with other people. So I don't see anything wrong with asking the question. As to my opinion, I would say it really depends on why the married folks are having the affair in the first place...and what the relation between them and the OM/OW is... Sorry if that sidesteps the question!
Author Crestfallen_KH Posted October 17, 2007 Author Posted October 17, 2007 Well, in this case it began as an emotional affair with a co-worker and has now become a sexual affair. They are also living together since her husband and I moved out. I know affairs that begin as emotional affairs are often the most entrenching...
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 Hi Crestfallen, I don't have real experience I'm afraid. But married or not, from reading your situation it appears its extremely quick for two people to suddenly move in together - what is it, a month? Speaking as an OW, when my MM separated we both discussed the possibility of moving in together, but both decided it would be the worst thing we could do. I wanted the relationship to last and therefore I knew he had to grieve his marriage and be sure that he was moving into a new realm of his life with full knowledge of what he was doing. Even with single guys, I wouldn't move in straight away. Its nice to enjoy each other and let things grow, don't you think? They appear as though they're on a drama treadmill. Bang! They meet. Bang! He leaves. Bang! She leaves. Bang! They're together. Their relationship is surviving on drama at the moment. Yet, what really happens when that drama treadmill slows down? They're left living together with two people, from what I can tell, don't know each other very well. I know, its possible that they could be thrown together in the "Us against the world" scenario, but even then, they can't have such a strong emotional attachment built up just yet. I may have missed it in your last thread, I do apologise, but do you know how long the emotional side of the affair was going on for?
Author Crestfallen_KH Posted October 17, 2007 Author Posted October 17, 2007 Well, their emotional affair was only going on for two (!) weeks. Apparently, in that second week, he said he started thinking about her all the time, started staying late, taking her to lunch, chatting over IM at night, etc. So I confronted him that Friday, and when we had our first blowout that weekend. By Sunday, he was saying he wanted a divorce so that he could "be a single person." We then "worked" on the marriage for 3 weeks (and separated for one) and by then, their feelings only got stronger. So, I guess it's been just about 3 months since they met. They've been able to basically be together as a couple (with no pesky spouses living with either of them) for about 5 weeks now. Wow, typing that out - I just keep going back to how unbelievable and illogical this all is.
norajane Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 Well, their emotional affair was only going on for two (!) weeks. Apparently, in that second week, he said he started thinking about her all the time, started staying late, taking her to lunch, chatting over IM at night, etc. So I confronted him that Friday, and when we had our first blowout that weekend. By Sunday, he was saying he wanted a divorce so that he could "be a single person." We then "worked" on the marriage for 3 weeks (and separated for one) and by then, their feelings only got stronger. So, I guess it's been just about 3 months since they met. They've been able to basically be together as a couple (with no pesky spouses living with either of them) for about 5 weeks now. Wow, typing that out - I just keep going back to how unbelievable and illogical this all is. That sounds like lust and infatuation to me...meaning, I expect it will burn itself out rather than developing into a long lasting love.
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 I have to agree with NoraJ, it seems awfully quick. The brightest flames burn out quickest... IMO, it sounds like it is an exit affair for both MM and MW. They've found a catalyst to leave their current relationship under the pretence of "Love" which I honestly don't think can be found in such a short time. That obviously doesn't mean much to you, and I'm sorry to say it. However, whatever he was exiting from is within him and I wouldn't concentrate too much on his new relationship, I very much doubt that once the drama dissolves, they establish routines and handle massive change (which usually brings about conflict) they will have the necessary tools to deal with the problems that appear due to their lack of knowledge regarding each other.
Mz. Pixie Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 From what I've read on marriage builders- the affair relationships usually don't last. Trouble is, it could be a couple of years down the road before the WS realizes that they have made a mistake- comes out of the "fog" so to speak- and by that time it's usually too late for the betrayed spouse.
Triarge Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 Do you think when two married people come together to begin an adulterous relationship that increases or decreases the likelihood that they would stay together? Can anyone speak from experience? There seems to be magical 3% figure that seems to float about everywhere; thats the chance of it working apparently. It seems to be such a convenient percentage. Low enough to put just about anyone off from doing it, but just high enough to let people account for all the discrepancies we all here about. I know personally of about 3 instances where the affair partners got together and still are together. Maybe they are the 3%. I was the WS in an affair that ran for a year before we got caught. The one issue my OW could never convince me on was that she wouldnt do to me what she had done to her H. It came down to trust. It never mattered that she cheated 'for' me. I would forever be waiting for the next 'me' to come along and her to do it again. I believe in your case they will have the same trust problems. How can they not? They both know what they are each capable of. Once the honeymoon phase is over and it all becomes 'ordinary', not only will they have the mundane stuff to deal with that every relationship has, they will also have the trust issues to boot! No one can say for sure if they can get through this or not. I doubt it personally. I kinda had this insight that if I had moved out, I was going to end up crawling back with my tail between my legs at some stage sooner rather than later. Thing is, now hes actually on the grass, on the other side of the fence. He can now see the bad spots and the weeds and he's going to have to sort it and mow his lawn. It wont be long (if not already) before he starts looking back over the fence at your grass. Keep your grass in order. Keep yourself in order. Do what you need to do to lift your spirit.
Author Crestfallen_KH Posted October 18, 2007 Author Posted October 18, 2007 I know of two instances where the relationships began as affairs and the couples are still together. I wouldn't want to have the types of relationships these couples have, though. They aren't what I would consider healthy. I don't blame the affair for that, though. But I wonder if there is a desire to keep it together to "prove it wasn't a mistake" to themselves and their families. I agree that it seems like lust and infatuation. I also agree that it was an exit affair. My husband is very passive and even though I was willing to work on the marriage, I made it clear that I was getting on with my life. So, in a way, I did make it easy for him to proceed forward with her. I am thinking less and less about them. I sort of feel sorry for them, actually. I've proved that I can make it on my own, both emotionally and financially and they still don't know that about themselves. I can't see how you could heal from and grieve something as serious as a marriage when you're involved in another relationship right away. I think it just delays the process. He's not coming back. I really do believe that. But each day that goes by, I want him to less and less.
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