MsMartha Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 Hello, I am writing this because I am completly lost. I am no longer living in the land of rational. I am a 37 year old woman in love with a 51 year old liar and cheater. To give a little background, we met about 13 years ago. I thought he was gorgeous and I had to have him. We flirted off and on for about two months when he invited me out on a date. We went out for awhile and after a few years we became estranged. I moved for about 7 years and recently came back. We went to eat lunch together and I found out that he had gotten married and divorced during the time I was gone and has two children. No problem. I made a comment about how being with him had been my fantasy and he told me it didn't have to be....... And so, from there we became a couple. But things are very very weird. I spend days on end at his place and he tells me to make myself at home. I began to notice two women who called him everyday around the same times, but he assured me that these were just old friends. I tried to believe him except one night we came in at 12:30 in the morning from being out. We were in the bedroom doing what grown folks do when his cell phone rang. He wouldn't answer it, but I can tell you it killed the moment. We went to sleep (or at least I tried to sleep),, but I kept having this feeling. So, I got up before he did and I looked at his cell phone and saw the name of this woman whom he claims is just a friend. She's one of the two who calls him often. Well as fate would have it, a week later we were at a party and an old friend of his who knew me from the past was at the party. He was so drunk he could barely stand. Somehow we got together and started talking about my BF's ex-wife and the reason she left him. And it turns out that the woman whose name I saw on his cell was the reason they began their very rocky divorce. Apparently she caught him with her. I don't know if it is true, but I believe that it is. The problem for me is that I don't have any proof. I don't know is ex-wife, and I never see her. He keeps his cell phone next to him now and keeps it turned off when I am around. He has changed the number to the housephone so no one calls anymore. And he has installed a camera in his office. He says that since the phone and the cell phone have been such a problem he decided to turn them off. I keep telling him that he's not "helping" our relationship as he claims, but making me think he's hiding. I have recently heard stories about his past; however, I am beginning to think that the woman who is telling me these things wants him also. She is always flirting with him and hanging on him and laughing at all his jokes. Anyway, she's been telling me horrible things that he did to his ex-wife. Like having sex with another woman will she was 100 ft away sleeping with her kids. I don't know if it's true, but if it is how can I trust him not do me like that? He says he's 51 and has done a lot of dirt in his life and been hurt by many women in his life and that he's ready for a change. I have the feeling if I stay he's going to cheat on me. I also have the feeling that he is still seeing the same women that he was dating when I came back to town. He says I am crazy. I know that I am not. But I have no proof just strong wrenching gut feelings that plague me on a daily basis. I want to believe him, but I don't. I just cry a lot. He keeps saying he doesn't have to chase the "kitty kat" cause he's alredy had a lot. And he's just looking to settle down and get his life together before he dies..... Whatever..... Anyway, Ineed to either figure out how to prove that heis still seeing others or I need to get out. I love him so much though that it hurts too much.Not to mention we have to work together for the next two years. Any advice? Should I call his ex-wife? What should I do? Please help....... Thanx, MsMartha
Author MsMartha Posted October 17, 2007 Author Posted October 17, 2007 Yeah, I have known and loved him for 10 years. It's hard to turn it off. I needed to write it down here, so that I could get real opinions. Everyone else tells me to give him a chance..... I did say I wasn't rational right? lol I don't know why I love him so much. I need my senses back.... I guess
nittygritty Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 Don't call his ex or trust the woman that is telling you that he cheated on his ex. She probably does have self-serving reasons for telling you that and why would she be interested in him if he were so awful? Since it was fairly recently that you reconnected with this man there are bound to be some minor complications in the beginning. He may have had some FWB situations going on as well. Hopefully, you have talked to him prior to having sex but if not you need to make sure that you are currently the only women that he is having sex with by asking him "Am I currently the only woman you are having sex with?" You need to be clear with him that you expect an exclusive monogamous relationship and that if he feels differently you need to know.
Author MsMartha Posted October 17, 2007 Author Posted October 17, 2007 That is exactly my problem this FWB things he's got going.... I think he has several..... And that's why I have a problem.... I think these women don't care that he has decided to make a relationship with me. They still call. And he's not telling them to stop because they are "friends".... I won't call the ex. It is a stupid thing. I just wanted to know from her what happened to them. Maybe then I could have a better idea what I am dealing with.....
nittygritty Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 Since you don't want to end it and are concerned about your fears of him someday cheating, why not keep enjoying the relationship that you have with him until further information is provided. He hasn't really done anything that makes you think he's cheating on you. Its just the female friends that he stays connected with, which would bother me too. Maybe you should meet some of these women and let your presence in his life beknown to them. It just seems silly to leave before anything bad happens. Its possible that he could have learned from his mistakes or the women are intentionally trying to run you off because their desperate. Give it some more time before you decide what to do because it doesn't sound like you have enough information to base your decision on.
Cobra_X30 Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 Yeah, I have known and loved him for 10 years. It's hard to turn it off. I needed to write it down here, so that I could get real opinions. Everyone else tells me to give him a chance..... I did say I wasn't rational right? lol I don't know why I love him so much. I need my senses back.... I guess It's not too late! Bad men do bad things. Did he not say explicitly to you that he has done bad things? Do you think that he will change for you? He will stop when an outside force prevents him from playing these games any longer, and not a second before. He turns his phone off around you? What does he have to hide? Look, you know this guy is no good! You have a fantasy man built in your head... pop that bubble, and he should be very easy to dump. The people who tell you to give him a chance are not your friends! Dont listen.
Tony123 Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 Hello, I have the feeling if I stay he's going to cheat on me. I also have the feeling that he is still seeing the same women that he was dating when I came back to town. He says I am crazy. I know that I am not. From what you've said, those are pretty justified feelings to have. I would be very suspicious of him too. If he says he wants to change, make him prove it. Make him keep his cell phone on and be completely honest with who he is talking to and why.
Author MsMartha Posted October 18, 2007 Author Posted October 18, 2007 I think I might just have a true obsession brewing. I hope not. I talked to him today and he tells me that he misses me (I've been gone for three days). He says that I will see for myself that he's doing everything to make our future together strong and loving. He keeps telling me that he's "down with me, no matter what"..... He's talking a lot about us building a new house together and things like that. He says I need to have patience and I will see for myself what he's doing. Truth is I have no patience. I want to see now. Is that so wrong? I want proof, but what kind of proof. Men who cheat ,in my experience, are charming men. They choose women (to cheat with)who are emotionally vulnerable. Women who crave attention and love. Then they give that to the women. So, proof would be difficult to get. I find that many OW/FWB will lie about their involvement. In an effort, of course, to continue the relationship. So, what kind of proof could I get. And will it make me feel better? This man is the love of my life even if we never make it as a couple, I will love him. People make it 30 years in a relationship because they fight for it. Then why is it so hard for me to fight?
Author MsMartha Posted October 22, 2007 Author Posted October 22, 2007 I caught him last night. He thought I was sleping at my sisters house. He called around midnight to tell me he was taking the van in the morning. I got a weird feeling so I called back no answer. Now we live an hour apart so he really didn't worry. I hopped in the van and went to his house. The whole way there I started feeling like there was a girl there. I got there and lo and behold another car in the driveway. I got out really fast got my keys and entered in time to see the naked woman run from the room to the living room couch. Like she's been sleeping there the whole time. I am hurting sooooo bad. I am numb. I knew it. My intuition told me. I will listen closer next time, but now the pain......How do I get pass this.... I have no more tears..... I need help... the sick thing is.... I still want him.... somebody shoot me now......
bestadvisor Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 What was his reaction to your finding out?
underpants Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 I don't think people change. They just become more fully who they are. Some get better at masking it. You got your proof. You now know the type of man he is. You might be angry for a time. Maybe even mad at yourself for trying to believe him or fight for him. If you stay with him or give him another chance he will repeat this behaviour. You will be just another phone number that he refers to as a 'friend' to another lady. Wise up and trade up.
Author MsMartha Posted October 22, 2007 Author Posted October 22, 2007 What was his reaction to your finding out? He just looked at me and said nothing. He said he thought that we brokeup on friday. He acts like it's my fault. If I hadn't gone to a concert saturday night he says it wouln't have happened. @underpants I believe the same. So, the idea of trying to work it out is a pipedream. Why did I have to fall in love with a ho...(excuse me anger) Why do I still love him? I can't even cry.......
reboot Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 He just looked at me and said nothing. He said he thought that we brokeup on friday. He acts like it's my fault. If I hadn't gone to a concert saturday night he says it wouln't have happened. They ALWAYS try to make it YOUR fault that they cheated. Textbook.
nittygritty Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 He just looked at me and said nothing. He said he thought that we brokeup on friday. He acts like it's my fault. If I hadn't gone to a concert saturday night he says it wouln't have happened. @underpants I believe the same. So, the idea of trying to work it out is a pipedream. Why did I have to fall in love with a ho...(excuse me anger) Why do I still love him? I can't even cry....... He showed you who he was. Now you need to be done with him. You don't love him in any healthy type of way. Quit being a victim to him. Move on and look for someone whose capably of having a healthy monogamous relationship.
Author MsMartha Posted October 22, 2007 Author Posted October 22, 2007 He just called again. He's at work so talk is difficult. I have said all the wrong things to him. I am in so much pain that I can't think straight. This has to stop. We have a project together with a deadline in December. All I want to do is make him PAY!!! Make him feel what I am feeling and much worse! But, of course I am a passive aggresive personality(which is why he probably chose to have "a serious relationship" with me) , and I just swallow it all. I want the project to work so I have to be able to have a civil conversation with this fellow. Now how do I do that without hitting him over the head with acme products? Anyone?
Author MsMartha Posted October 27, 2007 Author Posted October 27, 2007 No one? Well I have been reading a lot of the other posts. I see a lot of imularities in my situation... Part of me wants to work it out because we have so much invested in each other, the other part of me is Screaming are you nuts? I don't want to be a victim, but my heart seems tbe stroger than my brain. He's trying to tell me that she was the only one and the only time. I have been seeing the signs for months, but he always had an excuse. And, of course no proof. So, he picked a fight with me at 12 oclock at night about the "van", just to be sure that I was at my apartment. I usually stay home when he picks a fight. This time I followed my intuion. And I caught him. Now he's saying he thought we were finished on Friday, (even though I never told him that). And the look on his face... He didn't say anything. I am still so hurt and ashamed. I don't want anyone to know how stupid I was when all the signs were there. And I want to answer his calls so bad.... Please help me... Remind me how stupid this is.... I meant nothing to him that's why he's so "non-chalant' about everything. Anger, pain ,fear, and then utter despair and then round again....... And he still won't admit that they had sex!!!
Author MsMartha Posted October 27, 2007 Author Posted October 27, 2007 I guess my story isn't juicy enough? ....... I'm sorry Just have no one to talk to (aside from my sis who only knows a little) cause I am too ashamed to tell.... Please..... I feel really alone....
Cobra_X30 Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 Naw, just not that many people on right now Serious... You need to dump this guy. He is too old to be doing the crap he is doing!
lost4ever Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 Hey, sorry to hear your story, and cobra is right not too many on today....This guy is a jerk (sounds like someone I would end up with:sick:) I don't believe anything he said when he was caught, and him not comming clean with you, and using a stupid line like, oh I thought we broke up...Whatever...he is a loser!
loripuff Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 You need to believe you deserve better than this kind of man. Once you believe that, the answer will become obvious.
Author MsMartha Posted October 27, 2007 Author Posted October 27, 2007 Yeah thanks guys!!!! I know I deserve better, but I am sooo afraid I will never get it. Do you guys think that having a womanizing father affects young children? I can tell you yes!!! I seem to always find a guy that has some of the same quaities. I always see it right off for my friends but for myself...... Trying not to call him back..... How he could he call himself my friend. In "our" bed!!!! URRRRGGGGG
bestadvisor Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 You know what he has been doing for months; you know he lied; you know you didn't break up on Friday. Even if you did break up on Friday, he got another woman in a couple of minutes? What does that say about him? Not many people responded because this is NOT a hard decision. There is not much to say or to analyze. You should know what to do.
Author MsMartha Posted October 28, 2007 Author Posted October 28, 2007 I know what to do about him, yes! It's the rest of my life that scares the hell out of me. I am damaged goods now. Not a good foundation for a healthy relationship. Not to mention I gotta hustle up some extra doe so that I can move. Yes, I still have feelings for him. Still can't stop crying. But, I feel sorry for him. To him this is a game. He will never have the real deal until HE desides to change. iI don't see it coming anytime soon enough for me (like last year). I am still just getting my head around the shock of what this means for my life. Lucky no kids, although he talked about trying. But, I am still loosing the money from this contract (I might even have to pay them for breach), I loose the house, and I'm NOT even married. But I am walking AWAY!!! It just hurts a lot. He probably wanted to get caught to be free of me..... Oh me I AM soo pathetic.
Princess112 Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 Don't call yourself pathetic! you're NOT. You're just having feelings, having emotions, all part of being human. Men always know exactly what to say in order to get the sex they want. At least that's what I've found. And of course, nothing is ever their fault if and when they get caught. Moral of the lesson: Always follow your guts. They're right 99.9% of the time. And please don't try to replace him with anyone else soon. After coming out of a turbulous relationship, you should take time for yourself and work on becoming a better person in general, and get men OUT of your mind. They will come.
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