nashua Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 I just posted one, but here's another.... My MM and his wife are still good friends and of course have to manage their business together. His wife seems to think we should all get together and deal with everything, which i think is mature and key to an ongoing successful relationship w/ both him, his family and the wife. I just think maybe her and I should meet without him first, kind of to establish our our relationship. Any Advice? Anyone ever met the wife on good terms?
EnigmaXOXO Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 Without knowing what exactly it is the wife wants to talk about, I’d stick with the original invitation for all three of you to meet together. This way, there’s less temptation for anyone to distort facts while the other isn’t there to either collaborate or deny. A lot Less confusion that way. Besides, if everyone has accepted and is now comfortable with the fact that you two are now an official couple ... then what harm is there in presenting yourselves as a joined partnership in both private and professional matters?
Lizzie60 Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 With my first ex, it took many years, but, for the children's sake (graduation, school stuff, etc.) we often were at the same events... I remember her inviting us for a drink at her place on a few occasions... after an event (I forgot which ones)... she was remarried... She knew I was the OW for many years before they divorced... she forgot and forgave us I guess... She invited me to the baby showers she would organized for the girls... I used to bring my stuff over to her place for the huge annual garage sale that the girls would organized. (they had 3 girls). We have always been very civilized because of the children. I have never been a close friend but we always were nice to each other. But of course, it was all because of the children... I'm sure if they didn't have children... we would have never met again. It is nice for the kids to know that there is no animosity from any part. I know they appreciated the fact that we all got along fine.
KATANYA Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 I guess if everyone is "ok" with the situation, why not meet together if there is a need or, as in Lizzie's case, its for the best interests of the children. I would question two things though - a) Why would you need to meet with her alone first and is that really necessary and b) If they are still married and don't have any immediate plans to divorce are you comfortable being "friends" with her in this situation. I think I would be inclined to be involved in any meetings that had to do with family issues (children) etc. and of course business issues if they pertain to you but I would not be terribly comfortable becoming friends per say or "hanging" with her just for the sake of trying to be buddies. I would also be inquiring as to the long term plans for the divorce (just so I knew where things stood since you do plan on marrying this man). If there are no plans for divorce I hope you are not investing any money, etc. into any business or home or anything that does not have your name all over it....and I hope he's made changes to such things as insurances, wills, etc. or you may invest many years as the "perceived" spouse only to be left with nothing if something happens to him. Call it self-preservation but you best be making sure if you are in all other aspects his new 'partner' that he's got things in place for you.
Author nashua Posted October 17, 2007 Author Posted October 17, 2007 I guess if everyone is "ok" with the situation, why not meet together if there is a need or, as in Lizzie's case, its for the best interests of the children. I would question two things though - a) Why would you need to meet with her alone first and is that really necessary and b) If they are still married and don't have any immediate plans to divorce are you comfortable being "friends" with her in this situation. I think I would be inclined to be involved in any meetings that had to do with family issues (children) etc. and of course business issues if they pertain to you but I would not be terribly comfortable becoming friends per say or "hanging" with her just for the sake of trying to be buddies. I would also be inquiring as to the long term plans for the divorce (just so I knew where things stood since you do plan on marrying this man). If there are no plans for divorce I hope you are not investing any money, etc. into any business or home or anything that does not have your name all over it....and I hope he's made changes to such things as insurances, wills, etc. or you may invest many years as the "perceived" spouse only to be left with nothing if something happens to him. Call it self-preservation but you best be making sure if you are in all other aspects his new 'partner' that he's got things in place for you. Hey KAT: you should see my other post titled, "been with MM 3 years, he won't divorce wife" I am becoming livid at the slow pace this divorce is moving. I hope to marry hime, but am not planning on it...not until the divorce goes through. it was the wife's idea for all of us to get together for a drink. I just thought it would better just her and I, so we could have a chance to establish our own relationship without him being there. He told me he would rather be her and I because he would feel very awkward being with both of us, and isn't quite sure how to "be"
IWALH Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 My short answer is: no. I have been in a similar situation and it didn't turn out good. I made myself look like the biggest jerk on the face of the planet for befriending her and then doing what I did with him. Then again, if I would have just honestly befriended her and not involved myself with him, things would have been awesome. But I could have never been true friends with her as long as they were still married and I was in love with him. Does that make sense? I have a bit of a headache right now.... I am also friends with a married couple who had similar issues and then they were all friends and would hang out with the OW and... well, it ended up pretty nasty (like I knew it would.... and I kept telling them to stop...). Just don't. I don't know your entire story, though. I am assuming it's different from mine. But still... you say he is dragging out their divorce so that means they are still together, right? I'd just stay away from all of them until they were officially divorced.
PoshPrincess Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 My short answer is: no. I have been in a similar situation and it didn't turn out good. I made myself look like the biggest jerk on the face of the planet for befriending her and then doing what I did with him. Then again, if I would have just honestly befriended her and not involved myself with him, things would have been awesome. But I could have never been true friends with her as long as they were still married and I was in love with him. Does that make sense? I have a bit of a headache right now.... I am also friends with a married couple who had similar issues and then they were all friends and would hang out with the OW and... well, it ended up pretty nasty (like I knew it would.... and I kept telling them to stop...). Just don't. I don't know your entire story, though. I am assuming it's different from mine. But still... you say he is dragging out their divorce so that means they are still together, right? I'd just stay away from all of them until they were officially divorced. I tend to agree with IWALH here but if you do feel the need to meet to discuss things, I would say make sure your man is there too. There is nothing for you and her to discuss that doesn't involve him in some way. I can see why you would want to meet with her alone but I wouldn't be sure of her motive.
GreenEyedLady Posted October 19, 2007 Posted October 19, 2007 I just posted one, but here's another.... My MM and his wife are still good friends and of course have to manage their business together. His wife seems to think we should all get together and deal with everything, which i think is mature and key to an ongoing successful relationship w/ both him, his family and the wife. I just think maybe her and I should meet without him first, kind of to establish our our relationship. Any Advice? Anyone ever met the wife on good terms? My personal take is that no, you shouldn't have anything more than a business-like R with her, and that's only if you need to have contact with her at all...
whichwayisup Posted October 19, 2007 Posted October 19, 2007 What is your real reason to be-friend her? Dig down deep and ask yourself WHY you are pondering this. What is in it for you?
HappyAtLast Posted October 19, 2007 Posted October 19, 2007 I am not sure what sort of things you need to "deal with". You are his girlfriend, no? I am not sure what types of things a girlfriend would need to get involved with?
passionateconfusion Posted October 19, 2007 Posted October 19, 2007 I have been thinking about this myself. I would meet with her on your own first so you establish an ammicable relationship with her - 'girl talk' so to speak. I would then set up a meeting with the 3 of you if you are all in agreement to that. Just make sure it isn't a bashing session. I think if there are kids involved that is the mature and right thing to do. Should you decide to meet with her on your own I would be curious to know how it goes. Good luck either way.
Meaplus3 Posted October 19, 2007 Posted October 19, 2007 I just posted one, but here's another.... My MM and his wife are still good friends and of course have to manage their business together. His wife seems to think we should all get together and deal with everything, which i think is mature and key to an ongoing successful relationship w/ both him, his family and the wife. I just think maybe her and I should meet without him first, kind of to establish our our relationship. Any Advice? Anyone ever met the wife on good terms? If your MM's OW then why on earth would you want to be friend's with his W? AP:)
passionateconfusion Posted October 19, 2007 Posted October 19, 2007 If your MM's OW then why on earth would you want to be friend's with his W? AP:) To make things easier for everybody. If the MM and the W know that the marriage is over yet still have dealings for professional reasons and children there will always be an involvement in a variety of ways. I don't think there has been a suggestion that they become 'friends' rather if they can all be mature about things it will make things easier for all involved.
HappyAtLast Posted October 19, 2007 Posted October 19, 2007 So again, I still do not understand. Until the young lady in question has progressed to a more permanent position in her man's life (did I miss something? are they married or engaged?) I fail to see what sort of "discussions" she needs to be having with the man's wife (or ex-wife.. whichever she is, I don't know).
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