Book suggests you sleep with someone the 3rd week as part of recovery

[lexi29]

Not sure if this is touched on here- couldn't find really any threads about it. But how soon after a break up do most people start sleeping with new people? I am reading this book called Letting Go and it has some good advice but one thing that really confuses me is the author suggests having sex with someone new the third week after the break up. This is supposed to help you get your self esteem back and feel good about your self after you're emotions and self esteem have been trampled on by your ex. Maybe I'm naive because I've only slept with four guys in my lifetime but I'm just not sure this is a good idea. I think it would make me feel more used than anything. Also I can see myself getting easily upset with the guy or comparing him to my ex. My ex had a great body- he worked out had abs was nice and tan (from working outside) the whole bit. Not something that I have to have in a partner obviously but if its just sex and no emotional attachment I have to at least be attracted to the guy right?

 

Also my ex and I had so much fun in the bedroom. he was very adventourous and he just knew exactly what I loved and he was so so good at it. (took three years of practice) He was one of those guys who LOVES foreplay and he went out of his way to please me and he loved anything that I suggested (sex in public places, toys, chocolate syrup, hand cuffs, vibrators etc) His past gfs werent' very creative and he'd never done any of the stuff he'd did with me. I was totally comfortable with him. I knew he wasn't checking out my flaws. With somenone new I know it would take time to get to know eachother and sex with someoen new is never that great (in my limited exp) its only after you get used to each other and know what eachother enjoys that its good. Also when i was with my ex even after 3 years if I so much as got close to him I wanted him. I mean i was just instantly in the mood because we had so much fun in bed.

 

I'm sure its different for guys because they can have sex more easily without emotions involved. and I'm not sure there is such a thing as bad sex for a guy (i'd assume pretty much any somewhat attractive woman would do) Has this worked for anyone? Does it help you get over your ex?

[reboot]

Tell me the name of this book so I never waste my money on it.

[niceguy27]

its been almost 2 months since my ex and i split and i still have no desire to just jump into bed with someone. im still moving on from her and so until i deal with those issues and get myself sorted out, no nooky for me...God, not what you'd expect to from a guy! Ha ha.

[Crestfallen_KH]

I would say to listen to your own instincts over a book. There is no "one-size-fits-all" solution for dealing with grief.

 

If you are uncomfortable with the idea, it's a very real possiblity that sleeping with someone could make things WORSE for you. I know that I have had times where I think a roll in the hay might be fun, but when I wake up in the morning I'm so glad I am waking up alone. I didn't just expose myself to a possible STD, pregnancy or uncomfortable situation. I realized that, even if I WANTED a one-night stand, if he just got up and took off as quickly as he could after it was over, it would sort of make me feel abandoned yet again - and there's yet another emotional hit.

 

You are definitely still in love with your ex due the way you talk about him. You know yourself better than anyone, so definitely think about it before you plan to do it.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Hmmmm ...

 

To divert your obsessing over your ex, you go out and solicit a pity poke. Pity Poke isn’t aware you’re still hung up on the ex, and becomes hung up on you.

 

Since Pity Poke is too preoccupied dealing with their own bruised ego to bother reading the book ... you are no longer the stalker but have become the stalkee. Attention diverted and ego vindicated! And now you have to move out of town and change your identity anyway.

 

You know ... I can actually see how this might work!

 

<------ (prefer your bunny boiled or fried?)

[Trialbyfire]

Haha...how bad is that Enigma...

 

There's truth to the humour though. Why would you use someone else unless it's another emotional unavailable guy like your ex?

 

As for sleeping with someone based on an egg-timer, as everyone has already stated, trust your instincts.

[lexi29]

Enigma thanks for making me laugh, I needed that!

I'm not going to follow everything a book says to do, I thought it wasn't right for me, but I just thought if it worked for others I'd do anything to get over my ex! I don't want him back, I miss him yes, but I know I can never be that special part of his life again. I just want to get over him!!

[KenzieAbsolutely]

i think it depends on the person and how they feel about sex in general. after one of my break-ups, i slept with someone a few weeks afterward and it did help to separate me more from my ex, because he was no longer the last one i shared that experience with. it did help me move on.

 

i always did the breaking up, though, if that makes any difference. so for me, wanting to separate was more of a "moving on for me and erasing him" thing than it was a sadness and needing to recover thing. if that makes any sense...

[EnigmaXOXO]

I thought it wasn't right for me,

 

Wouldn’t be my preferred method either. I’ve never been one who could get much “bang” out of sex unless I was already connected with them on a deeper level. Libido and heart-strings are hard-wired together. Have never, ever been able to separate the two and don’t think I’d ever be able to truly “connect” with someone again on a deeper, more intimate level if I ever learned how.

[MattyTee]

Would echo that it depends on the person. My opinion is that it probably isn't a healthy thing in that it's similar to other forms of 'consolation' - i.e. drugs, alcohol. I honestly don't see that it can help in actually healing in any way.

[seven3four]

it's harmless.. be careful, use protection, etc ..go for it; be selfish

[MattyTee]

And what's this about no emotions in sex for men? That's a big brush you are painting us all with there

[brothermartin]

Sorry guys, I guess I'm the only freak in this group. To be accurate, it took me just over a month before I felt the need for speed. It was easier for me because I had been hurt badly. Thats not to say I don't still love my ex, I do.

But I cant make her want to be with me or love me back, so knowing that made it easier for me to detach also.

But everyone else is right, trust your instincts. When your're ready, you'll know.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

Sorry guys, I guess I'm the only freak in this group. To be accurate, it took me just over a month before I felt the need for speed.

 

um, no. not the only one. i posted, too. and it was less than a month...

[alwayshurt]

an italian said says: a nail hammers another nail. I don't know if this translation makes lot of sense in english but it really does in my language.

 

I truly believe that meeting someone else, even only for physical pleasure, does a lot to get over the person that broke your heart. Surely, it gives you more confidence in yourself and the feeling (even if it is only a feeling) that somebody desires you.

Many people hurt think they can never meet somebody else. What better proof than that?

Just be carful not to find another ass*** otherwise you will recover from a brokenheart and fall into another....it happened to me. Twice! it sucks.

 

I wish I could find somebody right now. Even if just for sex. I am in a new city and I don't know anybody. The only person I used to go out was my ex. I am totally alone and no in the perfect mood to meet new people. It is so depressing. If you have the chance, go for it. Trust me. It'll help you a lot.

 

P.S. this is from a man perspective. For a woman....it may be different!

[fabulousgal]

it's harmless.. be careful, use protection, etc ..go for it; be selfish

 

if anyone reads this advice and takes it seriously, please don't. there is no such thing as risk free sexual behavior (regardless of standard protection), so choose people that are worth the risk it brings.

[Msblueyes]

Though not a firm believer in casual sex, yes, sometimes it works. As long as you keep emotion out of it & take it for what it's worth, it is an instant esteem builder.

 

The only problem I have with one night stands is disease & pregnancy. If you can cover those bases, go for it.

 

Do not expect anything from it and do not have sex with friend, make sure that you have no feelings for the person other than lust. Otherwise, you are asking for trouble.

[JamesM]

The only problem I have with one night stands is disease & pregnancy. If you can cover those bases, go for it.

 

 

You can! Sorry to be off topic, but this probably unintended pun caught my eye.

[MattyTee]

I'd still reiterate don't do something because someone else thinks it works for them. I don't think you should be looking to validate yourself in any way using someone else (sex or otherwise). Self esteem comes from within - not from bonking your way to feeling good. Learn to love yourself and see value in yourself for you ... not because someone else says you are or you are a knockout in bed.

 

Disclaimer: Just because I think this doesn't mean it will be right for you