been with MM 3 years but he still wont get divorced! Is this a red flag?

[nashua]

Hi

 

I'm new to the forum and was hoping to get a bit of advice. My MM and i have been together 3 years now. He "left" her about 2 years ago, but will not divorce her and I dont know why...and either does he! His kids are grown, so its not about that. He swears to me he doesn't want to ever be with his wife again. He has asked me to stop pressuring him to divorce her, but I'm starting to get pissed!! Is this a red flag? Should i leave him because he'll never leave her? Have any of you experienced the same thing? He says he's been working on it slowly, and he has, but for god sakes, its been almost 2 years now since he left her. What could be the hold up? What would you all advise?

[liddie]

Is there an abundance of money involved? I know couples that have been seperated for 10 years and won't finalize due to large sums of money.

[Lizzie60]

It is for a financial reason for sure...

If one of them die...the other gets the estate, along with the children.

I know some people who separated, they are both dating but never want a commitment with someone else and they want the mother or father of their kids to get the estate (along with the children).

 

Why is it such a bid deal for you? Are you planning on marrying?

[nashua]

Well, they own a business together, but he told me they've already separated everything accordingly. So i don't think that is the issue. But i dont know.

[nashua]

I hope to marry him someday, yes.

[TogetherForever]

Cairo,

Hello. You can click on my screen to read my whole situation with my s/o.

We've been together for 7 years & living together for a little over 5 years.

He's not divorced yet. The marital assets are divided, bills cleared & he pays voluntary child support for his daughter. Just no divorce.

No red flag is raised from it.

TF

[child_of_isis]

It sounds as if he doesn't want to commit fully. As in another marriage.

[Cobra_X30]

I hope to marry him someday, yes.

 

 

Thats more than likely the issue!

[LucreziaBorgia]

Is he living with you?

 

If he has a lot of assets and property to split up, he may figure he stands to lose more by divorcing than he does by not divorcing. It could be a feeling of responsibility toward his wife to take care of her (ie - feeling guilty, so he tries to assure that her lifestyle is not disrupted any further than he already disrupted it by having an affair and leaving).

[nashua]

Is he living with you?

 

If he has a lot of assets and property to split up, he may figure he stands to lose more by divorcing than he does by not divorcing. It could be a feeling of responsibility toward his wife to take care of her (ie - feeling guilty, so he tries to assure that her lifestyle is not disrupted any further than he already disrupted it by having an affair and leaving).

 

yes, we do live together. I dont think it is a sense of responsibility he feels. Like i mentioned before, they've already split everything up, amicably i might add. I know he is in no hurry to gt married again, and i am not rushng him. i'm in no hurry either, but i would just like to know that my man is not with another woman. I'm not sure why it bothers me...mayhbe because he can't answer the question either?

[nashua]

Cairo,

Hello. You can click on my screen to read my whole situation with my s/o.

We've been together for 7 years & living together for a little over 5 years.

He's not divorced yet. The marital assets are divided, bills cleared & he pays voluntary child support for his daughter. Just no divorce.

No red flag is raised from it.

TF

 

 

TF....you can honestly tell me this doesn't bother you? What if you wanted to marry him?

[LucreziaBorgia]

I'm not sure what would be keeping him from going through the divorce, unless he simply doesn't want to have to deal with the cost including court costs and alimony. Perhaps he sees his marriage as having no bearing or consequence for his relationship with you, and has a 'if it ain't broke, don't fix it' attitude toward it.

 

I don't buy that he 'doesn't know' why he is still married on paper. He knows, he just chooses not to share that information with you. I can't help but to wonder what his rationale is. I know that I would not want to build a life with someone, knowing that someone else is entitled to half of the life we build together. Do you think he could see it from that standpoint?

[nashua]

I'm not sure what would be keeping him from going through the divorce, unless he simply doesn't want to have to deal with the cost including court costs and alimony. Perhaps he sees his marriage as having no bearing or consequence for his relationship with you, and has a 'if it ain't broke, don't fix it' attitude toward it.

 

I don't buy that he 'doesn't know' why he is still married on paper. He knows, he just chooses not to share that information with you. I can't help but to wonder what his rationale is. I know that I would not want to build a life with someone, knowing that someone else is entitled to half of the life we build together. Do you think he could see it from that standpoint?

 

Funnything is, they've already split everything without lawyers or anything. All they really need to do issighn the papers!

[whichwayisup]

Does she know that you are with him?

[nashua]

Does she know that you are with him?

 

Oh yes, she knows everything about it. She actually lives right next door too!

[TogetherForever]

TF....you can honestly tell me this doesn't bother you? What if you wanted to marry him?

 

I don't want to get married. Did it once. That's enough:D.

It does bother me a little only in the sense that if he was to get hurt (god forbid) his wife could keep me away from him at the hospital.

That's the only part that bugs me about him not being divorced.

[reboot]

Whether you get married or not he should get divorced.

[HappyAtLast]

I can tell you that I am most interested in protecting those I love. The red flag for you should be that he is not interested in protecting you should something happen to him. This is how a man thinks....

[TogetherForever]

I can tell you that I am most interested in protecting those I love. The red flag for you should be that he is not interested in protecting you should something happen to him. This is how a man thinks....

 

I totally understand HAL. If (again, god forbid) something like that should happen, THAT would be the deal breaker for me.

 

But then again, I would be notified not her. I've been his emergency contact for quite a few years now since he changed doctors.

[curly]

I haven't posted in so long, I doubt anyone even knows me anymore... but here's my thoughts...

 

He's not willing to divorce her because then he is free to marry. I would venture to say that a 2nd marriage is not what he's looking for. Perhaps his children have stated that they are willing to accept you as his "friend," but don't ever marry someone other than their mother. It could be a lot of reasons, but I think the main reason is because he doesn't want to be free and clear and capable of marrying anyone else.

 

You may not be pressuring him now because you don't want to rock the boat and don't really have any leverage. Once he's divorced, you can truly put the screws on him. While he's still married, there's that little chance that he could just float back into the marriage, there is nothing stopping him. Consequently, you are probably still on your toes keeping him happy. Why should he change this arrangement? It's fitting nicely into his life. He has you without any true obligation. And just because you're his emergency contact, that's nothing. The wife is his next of kin, even if they haven't spoken in 30 years, she gets to call the shots if he becomes incapacitated. Whatever he owns, she owns as well. She has power of attorney by default.

 

I would be raising a big flag on this one. I agree with Lucrezia (as usual), that he has his reasons but he is unwilling to share them with you - I'll go one further for you though - maybe he's unwilling to even admit those feelings to himself out loud.

 

I wish you luck in this. My advice, play hard ball. Obviously, he wants to be with you. Maybe you need to put your foot down and say that you are not willing to build your life with someone that is married to someone else. If he wants to keep you, he will need to see your point of view. No one in their right mind would put up with this situation for years and years.

 

Oh, and she lives next door?!?! Wow, that's a twist!

[TogetherForever]

I haven't posted in so long, I doubt anyone even knows me anymore... but here's my thoughts...

 

He's not willing to divorce her because then he is free to marry. I would venture to say that a 2nd marriage is not what he's looking for. Perhaps his children have stated that they are willing to accept you as his "friend," but don't ever marry someone other than their mother. It could be a lot of reasons, but I think the main reason is because he doesn't want to be free and clear and capable of marrying anyone else.

 

You may not be pressuring him now because you don't want to rock the boat and don't really have any leverage. Once he's divorced, you can truly put the screws on him. While he's still married, there's that little chance that he could just float back into the marriage, there is nothing stopping him. Consequently, you are probably still on your toes keeping him happy. Why should he change this arrangement? It's fitting nicely into his life. He has you without any true obligation. And just because you're his emergency contact, that's nothing. The wife is his next of kin, even if they haven't spoken in 30 years, she gets to call the shots if he becomes incapacitated. Whatever he owns, she owns as well. She has power of attorney by default.

 

I would be raising a big flag on this one. I agree with Lucrezia (as usual), that he has his reasons but he is unwilling to share them with you - I'll go one further for you though - maybe he's unwilling to even admit those feelings to himself out loud.

 

I wish you luck in this. My advice, play hard ball. Obviously, he wants to be with you. Maybe you need to put your foot down and say that you are not willing to build your life with someone that is married to someone else. If he wants to keep you, he will need to see your point of view. No one in their right mind would put up with this situation for years and years.

 

Oh, and she lives next door?!?! Wow, that's a twist!

 

 

I think you've mixed up my situation with the op's situation.

 

As far as emergency contact goes, I don't have to let her (the wife) know anything. She wouldn't be the one contacted, I would.

[HappyAtLast]

TF - even if you are the emergency contact, does she not, as his wife, retain the right to make medical decisions for him?

[TogetherForever]

TF - even if you are the emergency contact, does she not, as his wife, retain the right to make medical decisions for him?

 

Yes she does retain that right. And if that circumstance should arise, where she was told somehow, she'd make the final decision.

And like I said - THAT WOULD BE THE DEAL BREAKER FOR ME.

 

Until then.......

TF

[reboot]

Yes she does retain that right. And if that circumstance should arise, where she was told somehow, she'd make the final decision.

And like I said - THAT WOULD BE THE DEAL BREAKER FOR ME.

 

Until then.......

TF

It might be too late for a deal breaker then. What if he was in a coma and she said "pull the plug"? You'd have no say in it. Isn't that a scary thought?

 

People should think about things like this. I don't get why people stay married when they have no intentions of ever being together again.

[nashua]

Hey everyone,

 

thanks for all the responses. I've actually involved my man into this, and he is able to read this posts. He's pretty intrigued by:I can tell you that I am most interested in protecting those I love. The red flag for you should be that he is not interested in protecting you should something happen to him. This is how a man thinks....

 

He's got food for thought on this one, but it sure makes me feel like crap. This is what I don't get...the fact that he swears he doesn't want to be w/ her again. ALSO, why isn't the wife interested in divorce? I can't help but feel like once he's tired of me, he'll just go back with her. I feel unimportant, and not respected or taken seriously. Arrgh...