sedgwick Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 I can't take this anymore. I feel so low about myself. I can't believe that three weeks before he dumped me I got a book deal and felt so strong and on top of the world, and now I'm struggling to write it, to pull my mind away from thoughts of him and gather myself together enough to put words on paper. I miss him so, so, so much. It's been three months today since the breakup. We haven't spoken since Aug 28 (that's when I blocked his number and his emails.) NC is so hard every single day -- does it ever get easier? I have never loved anyone like I love him -- with the possible exception of my very first love, when I was 23. It took me 12 years to really and truly get over him (not that I didn't fall in love with others during those 12 years.) But I just feel like this one was my soulmate, and I can't stop beating myself up for not being a musician like he wanted, for only being a writer and a dancer. It just feels like it's so not good enough, and like he's forgotten me and moved on and is happy. When I get back from Mexico (Nov 5) he will be back from a 3-month tour. I wish I could stop struggling with the decision of whether or not to unblock him at that time. I wish I didn't want so desperately to get in touch with him every second of every day. I had another big rejection in my personal life recently, don't even want to talk about it, it's too depressing. Why can't I feel like it's enough to be a published author? Why can't I feel like that's success enough? I have more education than he does, I'm just as successful in my career as he is, but I just can't help feeling like he's so much smarter and more talented and just all-around better than me. I don't know anything about being a musician...does it take way more talent than writing or dancing? It's so messed up, people tell me how attractive I am all the time, but I just can't believe it. I just keep telling myself how I was too fat and ugly for someone as good-looking as he is. God, I miss him so much. I wonder if I will ever have any self-esteem ever again. I wonder if I'll ever have sex again. I wonder if I'll ever even look at anyone else and be attracted to them again. It just seems so bleak.
niceguy27 Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 sedge...my advice would be to do any little thing that you like to do and indulge in it. From laying on the couch and being lazy to eating a bunch of candy, do things that YOU like to do. And do them a lot. You seem like a genuinely nice person who has a big heart. So there is nothing wrong with being selfish and thinking of yourself for a while. As much as it may feel going against the grain, its a step towards getting back to just you. Its something I have really been focused on lately. Doing anything and everything for myself. Im not selfish so it feels strange doing this but it gives me back a sense of control over my life. I control what I do and who I go out with. I'm still in the first steps of moving on from my ex. As much as I care for her and try to understand where she is at in her life right now, I have to put that behind me and solely put ME first. Her second. I think those of us on these boards all have one thing in common...We all have big hearts that deserve to be loved back as much as we loved others. Otherwise we wouldnt be on here pouring our hearts out to others. That alone shows tremendous amounts of love and feelings that most people will never find. So keep your chin up and know that everyday is just a new beginning for you.
Capricciosa Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 Sedge Honey, I'm also a writer, and I have been in the same place you are, and I know that writing is not the cure for anything, but is a really good distraction if you can make yourself focus. And book deals are VERY hard to get, harder than getting a music gig or a dance gig, which can be produced independently with no loss of credibility. So I don't know anything about this dude who left you, but anyone who makes you feel like you are not good enough is not good enough himself. You'll have sex again, you'll love someone again--would your soulmate make you feel lesser? More on this later...got to run. Hang in there.
Author sedgwick Posted October 17, 2007 Author Posted October 17, 2007 Capricciosa, thanks so much...Niceguy, you too. I always really appreciate it when people respond to me here. I know I'm so lucky just to have gotten an agent, let alone a book deal with the publisher I most wanted (they publish the Anthology of English Lit & the Anthology of Poetry...it's like, wow, the arbiters of literature think that's what I'm producing, heh.) But it's just never enough. This is the one thing I used to always think would make me happy, would make everything perfect. And now I just think that's HIM. Soooo f**ked up, I know. I don't know why it's like this in my head. And I'm doing all the stuff I should be doing. I'm exercising, going to therapy, taking antidepressants, surrounding myself with friends, running off to foreign countries alone for a month and a half to prove to myself I can do it, etc. My life is, on the outside, good. All my friends tease me about being an overachiever. But it is just never, ever enough. I've even stopped smoking pot, for the first time in 18 years. I'm a month sober and it feels great; I don't know if I'll ever go back. The first two months after he left, I was stoned all day every day. It was really out of hand and I realized I had to quit. Just last night a friend asked me for a bellydance lesson, and I gave her one -- just basic beginner stuff. And she was like, "Oh my god, this is so hard." And my first thought was, no it's not, because *I* can do it. I don't know why it's so easy to discount my own accomplishments -- I've worked my a$$ off for the last 3 years to learn to dance. But the ex is in a band, and they tour all the time (granted, for the first 4 years they just jumped in a van and did it themselves, but now they have a booking agent) and they just played festivals at Lincoln Center and the Kennedy Center. And there's something in my head that's just going, oh, that's so much cooler and more impressive than anything I've ever accomplished. Does anyone else do this? It's really a pain in the a$$ to live this way. I've been this way my whole life -- I don't know why nothing is ever enough. I don't know why I have to put myself down next in comparison to my friends and lovers. It just doesn't make any sense, and yet it goes on and on. I feel like such an ingrate.
squeak Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 Oh sweetie, you're doing great, it'll get better. At least you're active and not letting your life slip out of control! Now here is a sad fact-ladies-guyus really really don't care about your accomplishments! It doesn't matter if you are a musician or a secretary or a sausage wrapper at the factory. They just care about how we look, to etablish attraction, and then how they feel around us. I gurarantee you his next GF will be way, way, way less succesful and creative then you, so don't beat yourself up about not being good enough, okay? If anything, ambitious women usually aren't relationship material, comparitively speaking, because they have type A personalities that don't bode well with many men who prefer their women a bit less demanding and more subservient. Generally speaking. Ask any guy-they really don't care what a woman does for a living, as long as she is generally content with it. And it is not too far out.
Author sedgwick Posted October 18, 2007 Author Posted October 18, 2007 I wish that were true, Squeak, but the reason he gave for breaking up with me is that I'm not a musician, and he feels only another musician can truly understand him.
squeak Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 Just to reiterate, what I'm saying is I think you are getting things mixed up, you ARe good enough in all aspects, but you are bringing this relationship into all aspects of your life as a sign of...? You both had problems that couldn't be worked out, but it has no bearing whatsoever on what you do/your worth as a writer/anything else....okay? I think you think that succes will protect you, and it won't. You could win the pulitzer tommorrow and still get cancer and have hubby leave with his secretary. You are doing great, and congratulations on all the good things happening in your life. Keep doing whatever it is you are doing to make all that happen. But don't let it make you think that that has anything to do with protecting you or giving more value/assurances that more success=more love in terms of a relationship, for some reason, guys just don't equate power with more love. Only women do that.
squeak Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 I wish that were true, Squeak, but the reason he gave for breaking up with me is that I'm not a musician, and he feels only another musician can truly understand him. Sorry, I wrote my post above before seeing your post. Well that is really dumb of him, he must have his head up his butt in some rock n roll fantasy.
squeak Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 Sorry, I wrote my post above before seeing your post. Well that is really dumb of him, he must have his head up his butt in some rock n roll fantasy. And in a few years when he has to stop making music and get the real job, as so many musicians have to once they hit their 30's, he'll regret it and you'll still be doing what you love, he'll be just another schmo who you'll have forgotten about, in love with someone who won't discard you because you are not a *musician*.
heartoutside Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 I totally agree with squeak! When I first started dating my now ex, she was just working a dead end retail job and didn't really have any goals in life. I helped her find those goals (school and a path), but I didn't date her because of her accomplishments (she didn't have any at the time!) I dated her and fell in love with her because I knew what she could accomplish. His whole line about you not being a musician is a load of BS and is even more reason for you not to entertain a thought about him (I know easier said then done!). If he's so thick headed and caught up in his own Musical Ego to think that he can only date a musician, then so be it, he doesn't know what he's miss'n!
Capricciosa Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 I'm actually thinking of giving up on musicians all together as boyfriends, because they are self-centered, unsupportive, and usually stuck in some adolescent fantasy that plenty of women are willing to support. That was a stupid thing for him to say about the break-up--but I guess he had to say something and that was it. I don't know if you've gone through the process of sending out stories and getting rejection slips back (or comments from editors for that matter), but in my experience a lot of what comes back is irrelevant to the work itself. It's just that they had to say something. That is what he did-said something that doesn't have much to do with you. I've been involved with highly creative men who in the end just wanted me to support their efforts, while mine weren't given much credit at all, though I have my own successes in my field. One once told me it would be ok if I stopped being a writer as long as I still cooked well. Ugh. No more of those please. In the words of Janice Joplin, I can't quit to be someone's old lady. As for books. I can say it is never what we expected. We put so much hope and fantasy about how our life will change into getting published and then, voila, life is pretty much the same at the ground level. When copies for my first book arrived from the publisher, I did not feel the exaltation I expected at all. It was more a "so this is it"? moment. Strange but true. The writing is the exciting part. I don't have a solution for this one. Try to live the moment, write you a$$ off in your journal, hang around people who love you, pat yourself on the back a lot, and tell that voice in your head that's badgering you that you have done nothing wrong.
squeak Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 That is what he did-said something that doesn't have much to do with you. I've been involved with highly creative men who in the end just wanted me to support their efforts, while mine weren't given much credit at all, though I have my own successes in my field. One once told me it would be ok if I stopped being a writer as long as I still cooked well. Ugh. No more of those please. In the words of Janice Joplin, I can't quit to be someone's old lady. His whole line about you not being a musician is a load of BS and is even more reason for you not to entertain a thought about him (I know easier said then done!). If he's so thick headed and caught up in his own Musical Ego to think that he can only date a musician, then so be it, he doesn't know what he's miss'n! Those 2 quotes say it all! I read your older posts, he lifted you to the high heavens but refused to see you as a person outside of his own egocentric world. If only people who do that came with some sort of warning on their forehead. Did he even consider you as a whole person? Don't candy coat him. Musicians do tend to be infamous for being bonafide bad relationship material.
heartoutside Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 I'm actually in the same situation when it comes to my field. I rather not say what I do, but it's freelance and in the creative realm as well. But in the weeks that followed my break up, I felt everything including my career had been just pulled out from under me and I had no idea how or if I could get back into it again. 4 months later, I'm busting my butt making more money right now then I did when I was with her and I'm about to make a full go at this being my career and my life. I have a total renewed confidence that I don't even think I had when I was dating her. Why? Well because one: I now see that I"m good at what I do, real good, and I don't have anything to fear and I won't even know what to fear if I don't even try to face those fears and two: I want to make her feel f'n stupid for leaving me for a 2nd year half assed film major at an even more half assed film school. This kid, (like your ex) will probably be working at blockbuster in 5 years. I apologize if the sentence structure isn't proper. I feel kind of awk replying to a writer....
Author sedgwick Posted October 18, 2007 Author Posted October 18, 2007 Capricciosa...hell yes I've gotten rejections!! My book was rejected by 14 publishers before the one I really wanted took it. Basically the line was, "This is really good writing but the market is saturated with memoirs." The fact that we sold it was really a big deal to me. Incidentally, I'd love to know more about your work! Are you happy with your publisher and agent? How many books have you published? This is my first, so I'm learning about the process as I go! I've written plays for years, though, and had a few productions...I'm working on another one now. It's nice to have something else to write besides the book! Squeak...we are both well into our 30s. He doesn't play rock 'n' roll, he's in a different genre altogether. He also works as a recording engineer. He's quite successful and in demand as both a musician and an engineer. I wish I could say he's some dumb kid in his early 20s who's going to end up working at Blockbuster, but it's quite the opposite. Being left because I don't have the exact same career as he does (he even told me what genre and what instrument his "dream girl" would play...which is, incidentally, the same as what his ex did, and she broke up with him for making her feel like such a sh**ty musician, even though she's been playing since early childhood and went to a very prestigious music school) just really sucks. When he broke up with me, he said, "I think sex is to you what music is to me." I asked him if he had ever noticed that I *did* anything... Sigh. I really do appreciate all your advice...really. It's just that assuming he's a young rock 'n' roller is incorrect. But thank you all SO MUCH for responding to me. It means a lot.
Capricciosa Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 Sedge, I added you to my Buddy List, so you can send me a message directly if you are so inclined. Age and rock n' roll have nothing to do with the attitude. He has a fantasy woman based on the one that dumped him. Hard to live up to that, nor should one have to. Isn't it interesting how he chose the one thing he knew you can't do as the reason you're not good enough for him? And if you could do that, he would probably add something else to the list. Maybe I'm projecting here a little, but it seems kind of classic to me. His own self-esteem is probably shot in that area, or why would he want his girlfriend to be just like the one who got away? To get back the thing he lost through his own egotism (or whatever). I see a pattern here. The woman cannot win with this guy. How long were you together?
funkybassplayer Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 I wish that were true, Squeak, but the reason he gave for breaking up with me is that I'm not a musician, and he feels only another musician can truly understand him. as a musician, we are no different to any one else. We are people. Of course drugs drink etc will mess the brain (a thing i never touch) but ultimatly its a job, like any other. But partners may find it difficult to accept the resposbilitys a musician has, ie rehursals and weekend gigs. But im speaking for myself here, and i have found dating musicians is often better as they doo understand thge needs we have.
Author sedgwick Posted October 18, 2007 Author Posted October 18, 2007 Funky: the thing that kills me is that I may not be a musician, but I'm a DANCER! I rehearse five nights a week. I dance with live musicians. I perform three or four times a month. Nope, I certainly couldn't understand ANYTHING about rehearsals or music! It certainly couldn't be, like, HALF MY LIFE or anything... Capricciosa, we were together for a year. Everything was fantastic the whole time. He constantly told me he loved me and that he had more in common with me than he'd ever had with anyone. We never fought. The sex was frequent and excellent. He told me regularly that he'd never had a better lover. This came completely out of the blue the morning he left to go on tour for three months, when a mere seven hours before I'd been at one of his gigs and he'd been introducing me to everyone as his girlfriend. He told me he loved me and held me against him as we fell asleep. I'm not sure I'll ever trust anyone again.
funkybassplayer Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 no one knows why accept him. You know your relationship, no one else on ls does. As i said i spoke just for me and my thoughts. You sound in alot of pain, but ultimatly he does not want the relationship, and i guess th onlt thing you can do is look after yourself. The whys will help, but will not make a difference to the outcome. Sorry to hear that. Maybe he wants to be free for his tour.
Spinderella Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 Lots of musicians seem to get religious about their music. I suppose you could just take it the same as say if someone said to you "I cant date you because youre not a Christian/Catholic/..." If you imagine somebody saying that to you, is it as painful? Does it make you feel bad about yourself, or does it just make you feel that you have different beliefs?
funkybassplayer Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 speaking for my self, i dont see it as that, but mearly a job to pay the morgage, but i have found that girlfriends find it hard to accept, and may feel jelous. Its silly and it does not have to happen. Musicians by nature seem to be free people, in that they love to feel free and not over commited in relationships etc. This is not the case with me as i relish a woman, and respect her feelings.
melodymatters Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 Oh Puh-leeze ! I wrote, directed and produced ( and performed) in my own theatre co for 10 yrs. And made a nice living. My ex was a musician turned engineer/producer and while we had many problems, the fact that I produced theatre and he produced music was the absolute LEAST of them ! In fact, we were in our 30's and behind closed doors, we LAUGHED at the actors, writers, musicians, who acted like they were CURING CANCER, because we were friggen entertainers and knew we were lucky enough to be making a living as such !!! Sedgewick, I've been on here for over a year, and like to think I'm one of the ones who never make blanket generalizations, but I'll MAKE ONE HERE !!! Any musician, or other entertainer, who uses their "Art" as a reason for ANYTHING, is a straight on, no holds barred, pretentious MORON who should be laughed at and run from ! The most succesful people my ex and I know in the business are practical, down to earth, family oriented people. Most of the others are jokes. You need to kick this self important poseur pr*ck, off the pedastal you put him on and put your OWN damn self up there : sounds like you deserve it more anyway !
Author sedgwick Posted October 18, 2007 Author Posted October 18, 2007 Dear Melody, I love you. I agree with you that the most talented ones seem to be the most down-to-earth. But I really thought this guy was one of them. Super talented, super sweet, all his friends kept telling me how glad they were he was finally with "such a cool woman who really appreciates him." And then it was like he just turned into someone else overnight. I think that's why it hurt so much. I really thought we were partners, and I felt like he made me want to be the best possible version of myself. I think I was a better partner in this relationship than I've ever been to anyone. The night before he broke up with me I fed him bread and mozzarella with fresh basil and tomatoes just picked out of my garden. And I gave him a back rub while he ate it. And then I gave him...well, let's just say there was a certain sexual favor that I did for him every time I saw him (seriously, and in the van before he played gigs) and he reciprocated three times. In a year. (But other than that the sex was really good.) Also? Last year for his birthday I knitted him a cashmere scarf, which he hung on a nail in his room and never wore. I knitted him a hat and gloves and crocheted a fish to sew on his bass case (long story.) For the first six months we dated, every time he left, I would write about our time together in this little journal I had, and on Valentine's Day I gave it to him as a present. And yet...I guess I still just wasn't a good enough girlfriend in his eyes. I'd like to think he won't find someone else who will love him as much and be as good to him, but who knows, he may have already found her.
niceguy27 Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 Sedge...Ive been following some of your posts. I keep hearing about all the things you've done and put out there for him. It got me thinking about the things I had done for my ex over the years. I did them because I cared for her and liked to make her happy. She did a lot for me also but if you as a person have so much to give someone, isn't it fair that you be with someone who returns that to you? So dont ever look at it that you were just not good enough in his eyes. You have to realize that it is HIM that has a problem. Self centered, egotistical, narcissistic, etc. To have a woman (or man) be as generous and giving as you is a gift and your SO should APPRECIATE and HONOR that. Anything less and you should know right there that he's not right for YOU.
melodymatters Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 I hate to say this Sedgie : But it sounds like you were TOO good to him ! Unfortunately, children, men, puppies, employee's, will ALL take advantage or take for granted when treated too well. Case in point, I am 40 now, same hair, weight, etc but SOMEHOW I get treated SO much better by men nowadays, then 10-20 years ago. Is it because I got PRETTIER ? Nah ! It's the self respect and self confiidence that I project now, and didn't when I was the perfect 22 yr old model. I like your posts and get a good feeling from you, but two things stood out and as a 'girlfriend" I'm going to point them out : 1) is your obvious self esteem issues, where you place others on some "magical " plain, while you are just " human". Thats crazy thinking, and something you need to work on. EVERYONE is just a blob of flesh with some talents and some faults and we all just try and get by. Make No one your plastic jesus. 2) NEVER treat a man better than he treats you. It just teaches them ( the dog, the child, I have both) to push the limits. Giving sexual favours in a van is so beneath you ! I hate to be tit for tat, it sounds really immature, but all good relationships must have balance : You knit, he buys you dinners, you go to his shows, he goes to yours, you go down.....You get the idea... You sound way cool and I can't wait to learn more about your book ! Now we just need to get you past the messiah musician who's got your head all bunched up !
Author sedgwick Posted October 18, 2007 Author Posted October 18, 2007 The sexual favors in the van were totally my idea. I have significantly more sexual experience than he does, and I always kinda liked being like, "See, HERE'S what you've been missing." But alas...he didn't want it! (although he did come to my shows, he was supportive about that.) And yeah, I do have self-esteem issues, you're totally right. I wish I didn't...I wish I could be enough for myself. I wonder if he'll ever realize what he had? Like, I wonder if he'll ever say, "Hmmm, remember that tattooed bellydancer writer I dumped?" Or maybe he'll just find a fiddle player and never think of me again. Maybe girlfriends like me are a dime a dozen. I don't know...
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