Lizzie60 Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 Everytime this happens I feel like a prize idiot but when I have a drink all sense of reasoning seems to go out the window Alcool amplifies the 'pain' so...you got your answer yourself... when you know ahead that your reasoning will go out the window... wouldn't it be easier just not to drink?
Author PoshPrincess Posted October 17, 2007 Author Posted October 17, 2007 Posh... whats wrong with your BF? The only reason your having problems getting over this MM is because of the rejection involved! Your currently in a relationship. The fact that you cant let go of the previous one... and that your thinking about other men... thats a really really bad sign! Believe me! Tell me about it, Cobra! I KNOW!!!!!! I guess I am ever so slightly confused at the moment. It's very frustrating! Lizzie...stop drinking?!!!! Believe me, it has actually crossed my mind. I love a drink but I don't think it loves me (especially not when mixed with a cocktail of anti-ds I suspect!)
Lizzie60 Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 Lizzie...stop drinking?!!!! Believe me, it has actually crossed my mind. I love a drink but I don't think it loves me (especially not when mixed with a cocktail of anti-ds I suspect!) You actually have to NOT take a drink and meds.. simple.. just remember it!
Cobra_X30 Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 Tell me about it, Cobra! I KNOW!!!!!! I guess I am ever so slightly confused at the moment. It's very frustrating! Lizzie...stop drinking?!!!! Believe me, it has actually crossed my mind. I love a drink but I don't think it loves me (especially not when mixed with a cocktail of anti-ds I suspect!) Posh, you realize this is 100% a self esteem issue. MM has you wondering "whats wrong with me?" By treating you poor and rejecting you, he is saying "Posh I'm better than you... and you were just lucky to have me for a time". Now we have BF, who likes you and cares about you. You need to watch yourself and your internal motives. When you start dealing with rejection like this... it builds this feeling that those that really love you... only do so because they are not good enough. Well, tell me... what do you think is wrong with you? Do you kind of understand what I am driving at here?
liddie Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 I really think its the lack of closure that is holding Posh back. What would you all think about reopening the lines of communication for the purpose of seeking closure and then seeing where Posh is? Sorry for talking about you like you are not here...have you thought about doing this?
Lizzie60 Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 I really think its the lack of closure that is holding Posh back. What would you all think about reopening the lines of communication for the purpose of seeking closure and then seeing where Posh is? Sorry for talking about you like you are not here...have you thought about doing this? What if he never answers.. that would only make her feel worst IMO... I disagree.. The best way, IMO, is to be independant, and look happy... that's the best revenge...
Cobra_X30 Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 I really think its the lack of closure that is holding Posh back. What would you all think about reopening the lines of communication for the purpose of seeking closure and then seeing where Posh is? Sorry for talking about you like you are not here...have you thought about doing this? And why do people desire closure?
liddie Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 And why do people desire closure? I don't like to leave things on the table. I want to be sure that everything that I needed to be said was said.
Cobra_X30 Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 I don't like to leave things on the table. I want to be sure that everything that I needed to be said was said. Why do you care what he thinks? Why do you feel the need to manage how he sees you? I believe that is the root of why you feel the need to make him hear you out.
liddie Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 My need for closure is for my own selfish reasons. It has nothing to do with what he feels or thinks. In order for me to move on with my life, I want to be sure I said everything that needs to be said. I have always put closure on past R and will always seek it in current and future R. Again, this is what I do and want.
Cobra_X30 Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 My need for closure is for my own selfish reasons. It has nothing to do with what he feels or thinks. In order for me to move on with my life, I want to be sure I said everything that needs to be said. I have always put closure on past R and will always seek it in current and future R. Again, this is what I do and want. Dont feel like I am attacking you here! I'm just pointing out that you and Posh are similar in thought, and that if you are not careful you will wind up in the same place. Its very important that you dump your MM on your terms not his! Otherwise you will wind up dating a great guy and pining away for the guy you gave up. What you call closure... is actually the need to control perception. If you truely didnt care what he thought of you anymore... why would you need to say anything to him? And you are correct, it is your own selfish reason!
liddie Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 I appreciate your insight and thoughts Cobra. I guess looking back over the years, the only time I left things unsaid was when I got a D. I absolutley hated and still do hate the bast*&^!! I don't hate the MM and therefore couldn't just leave it unsaid. So, I guess in away I do care what he thinks, or is it respect? I am so confused....
Meaplus3 Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 I am SO angry with myself. I got very drunk the other night and ended up texting MM. Why do I do these things to myself? I know he's not going to reply! I didn't do an, "I love you, I want you back..." or anything like that, thankfully, but it let him know that I was thinking about him. I spent the following day in bits and even considered asking a mutual friend to set up a meeting with mm (with him knowing of course) so that I could talk to him. Not to get him back or anything - honestly, I came to accept that isn't going to happen months ago - but to get some kind of closure, although ater sleeping on it I think maybe it's best to let sleeping dogs lie. Anyway, I'm not even sure if I WANT to see him. I seem to be having such a hard time moving on. Everytime this happens I feel like a prize idiot but when I have a drink all sense of reasoning seems to go out the window. I guess I should stay away from the demon drink. Posh, Don't worry about this, Your only human! You have made a ton of progress, so what's one little opp's, LOL:lmao: I can relate to the Demon Drink and MM Scenerio! Hug's. AP:)
fidela666 Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 Hey girl, don't beat yourself up for making a mistake. We all have the same feelings of wanting to call and thinking about if he is thinking of you. If he does not call you is because he is not thinking of you. Do not continue to make his ego bigger then your self worth. I have been sticking to NC for about a little over a month, and it sucks, but at the same time I feel proud of myself for not contacting him. Even when I am at work, and I come across something funny or interesting, I feel the urge to e-mail it to him and wonder if he will respond. The thought alone of making him feel important my contacting him in any way shape or form prevents me from doing it; I love myself more then what I feel for him, and I will not continue to give him the satisfaction to know that I think of him every day. Time is the only thing you have on your side now, and trust me your feelings for him will go away once you don't know anything about him. I look at it from the perspective that feelings are feelings no matter if he is M or S. We all know from our previous experience that even when you feel deeply about someone and for whatever reason that relationship does not work, it took time for those feelings to go away. So hang in there girl, be strong and stick to NC. I tell you that it has work for me, and every time I feel like contacting him I focus on all of the wrong things he did to me and how that made me feel. Start my erasing his number from your cell phone, any messages, tex messages or voice mails. If you have a couple of drinks and you feel like contacting him, is going to take you a little longer to dial the number, and while once you dial enter the number you still have to press the green buttom that connects the call, be strong and hang up!!!! you will feel so empower once you practice this. Little by little you will condition yourself to control your emotions and that is the most powerful thing you can acomplish .
imstunned Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 I can relate to what you are saying. I am on my second glass of wine right now and my fingers are twitching - text, or e-mail? Which one. Its been 2 weeks tomorrow since I last had contact with MM - 2 weeks on sat since his wife called. I refuse not to live my life and have a drink every now and then, but I am tired of fighting the urge to contact him. Dont beat yourself up about it.
OpenBook Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 I am SO angry with myself. I got very drunk the other night and ended up texting MM. Why do I do these things to myself? I know he's not going to reply! I didn't do an, "I love you, I want you back..." or anything like that, thankfully, but it let him know that I was thinking about him. Dang it Posh!! I was so happy to be able to take potshots at 'im. But I can't do that if you're still texting him. Stop that already!!!
IWALH Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 I think it is the want what you can't have thing. I would bet money that if these men were to leave their wives and give these women what they want the OW would fall out of love very quickly. I think you are right. The first time (years ago) that he and his wife separated and he was basically living with me I did not feel right at all and I was thinking "Oh sh*t, what did I get myself into? Do I really want to be with him the rest of my life?!" I think I even came on here and expressed how I didn't know what to think about it all. This time around, when his wife was telling me she was done with him, blah blah blah, and I really thought they were going to get divorced, I didn't know what to feel either. Some things he always said to me "How are you going to feel about me when I am 50?" and the like were ringing in my head. I am 23 years old. He is 43. I have excellent credit and a great future ahead of me. He has awful credit and has wasted away a lot of his life. There are just so many things I was thinking about and was starting to get scared about.... when I truly thought we were going to be together. That's one of the things that has helped me in my recovery. I just think "Okay... how did you really feel when you thought you two would end up together?" Really being with him would have been my doom. Thank God things didn't work out like he was telling me they were going to... thank God.... Anyway, yeah. The closer it got to "us" becoming a reality, the more freaked out I got. The human mind can be really warped sometimes.
Author PoshPrincess Posted October 18, 2007 Author Posted October 18, 2007 Posh, you realize this is 100% a self esteem issue. MM has you wondering "whats wrong with me?" By treating you poor and rejecting you, he is saying "Posh I'm better than you... and you were just lucky to have me for a time". Now we have BF, who likes you and cares about you. You need to watch yourself and your internal motives. When you start dealing with rejection like this... it builds this feeling that those that really love you... only do so because they are not good enough. Well, tell me... what do you think is wrong with you? Do you kind of understand what I am driving at here? Hey Cobra, your comments are advice are pretty spot on and I totally get what you're saying. Yes, I do have self-esteem issues, always have had, so maybe that is why I got involved with MM in the first place. The big attraction was that he put me on a pedestal, made me feel like I was the most special person in the world (initially, of course). He was the first person who had ever done this for me - I'd waited 34 years for a man like that. The thing that I don't get is that my bf also treats me like that, although he doesn't think I am better than him (like mm did). I did start counselling which was really helpful but then had to pack it up as I couldn't afford to carry on.
Author PoshPrincess Posted October 18, 2007 Author Posted October 18, 2007 What if he never answers.. that would only make her feel worst IMO... I disagree.. The best way, IMO, is to be independant, and look happy... that's the best revenge... Lizzie is right. He doesn't respond, not to my texts anyway. I guess he MAY pick up the phone if I called him but when I did that way back when I always felt like we were going round in circles. I would love to speak to him face to face but I guess I am scared that seeing him will make me feel even worse!
Author PoshPrincess Posted October 18, 2007 Author Posted October 18, 2007 I think you are right. The first time (years ago) that he and his wife separated and he was basically living with me I did not feel right at all and I was thinking "Oh sh*t, what did I get myself into? Do I really want to be with him the rest of my life?!" I think I even came on here and expressed how I didn't know what to think about it all. This time around, when his wife was telling me she was done with him, blah blah blah, and I really thought they were going to get divorced, I didn't know what to feel either. Some things he always said to me "How are you going to feel about me when I am 50?" and the like were ringing in my head. I am 23 years old. He is 43. I have excellent credit and a great future ahead of me. He has awful credit and has wasted away a lot of his life. There are just so many things I was thinking about and was starting to get scared about.... when I truly thought we were going to be together. That's one of the things that has helped me in my recovery. I just think "Okay... how did you really feel when you thought you two would end up together?" Really being with him would have been my doom. Thank God things didn't work out like he was telling me they were going to... thank God.... Anyway, yeah. The closer it got to "us" becoming a reality, the more freaked out I got. The human mind can be really warped sometimes. Hehe, the answer obviously is for me to 'get' him, get rid of him and then I will finally be rid of all my demons!!!!! :lmao::lmao: Thanks IWALH, I guess those might not be the feelings you had hoped for at the time but count your lucky stars! Aside from you initially being his ow you would have had the added complication of the age difference. I was with a man 23 years older when I was your age (although he was already divorced when I met him). It was when he reached 49, approaching 50, and I was 26 that I thought, "Hey, I can't be going out with a 50 year old!" It seemed so much older at the time! It would be like me going out with someone of 60 now. A pensioner! No, thank you! ImStunned, Fidela, well done with your NC. Keep up the good work. You can both do it!
Cobra_X30 Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 Hey Cobra, your comments are advice are pretty spot on and I totally get what you're saying. Yes, I do have self-esteem issues, always have had, so maybe that is why I got involved with MM in the first place. The big attraction was that he put me on a pedestal, made me feel like I was the most special person in the world (initially, of course). He was the first person who had ever done this for me - I'd waited 34 years for a man like that. The thing that I don't get is that my bf also treats me like that, although he doesn't think I am better than him (like mm did). I did start counselling which was really helpful but then had to pack it up as I couldn't afford to carry on. Yes, you crave that attention and treatment to shore up holes in your own self worth. We are all like that to a certain degree. My concern is that if you were suddenly presented a choice between your BF and MM, you would have to actually think about that. I'm reminded of a quote "I don’t want to belong to any club that would have me for a member". Its a little out of context, however it nicely illustrates what many women with self esteem issues feel. Your worth more than that... and there are poeple in your life that see this!
IWALH Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 Hey Cobra, your comments are advice are pretty spot on and I totally get what you're saying. Yes, I do have self-esteem issues, always have had, so maybe that is why I got involved with MM in the first place. The big attraction was that he put me on a pedestal, made me feel like I was the most special person in the world (initially, of course). He was the first person who had ever done this for me - I'd waited 34 years for a man like that. Same here!!! I have had self-esteem issues in the past as well! He would say the NICEST things about me/to me and put me up on SUCH a high pedestal. He built my esteem up so much. Yeah, it might have been all fake, but it sure felt nice! When he and I initially started our relationship it was only a few months after I ended a 2 year relationship with a guy who was VERY emotionally abusive (as well as physically abusive a few times), so the way xMM treated me was like a breath of fresh air.... even if he was married. It's kind of funny that ow/xow tend to share similar traits like this!
IWALH Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 I was with a man 23 years older when I was your age (although he was already divorced when I met him). It was when he reached 49, approaching 50, and I was 26 that I thought, "Hey, I can't be going out with a 50 year old!" It seemed so much older at the time! It would be like me going out with someone of 60 now. A pensioner! No, thank you! I know what you mean! When the whole thing blew up this summer and I was on vacation in Beverly Hills, my mom and I walked by this couple on Rodeo Drive-an old man with a woman about 20 years his junior- and after they walked by my mom and I both looked at each other. Then my mom said this to me "So that's how you want to end up? Did you see how unhappy she looked?" I did notice how unhappy the woman looked. And the man just looked like some deluded old weirdo with a big odd-looking smile spread across his face. It was then that I thought "Oh sh*t, what did I get myself into?!" This was when I was planning on moving up there to be with him after I was to return from my vacation. Eh, even after that I still loved him and wanted to be with him. Most of the time I just didn't think about the age thing.... That was such a frustrating situation....
Author PoshPrincess Posted October 19, 2007 Author Posted October 19, 2007 My concern is that if you were suddenly presented a choice between your BF and MM, you would have to actually think about that. To be honest Cobra, this sounds awful but you are right there. In fact, I think I would still choose mm over my bf which makes me feel like a 1st class b*tch! It's hard to explain but when I was with my ex (father of my child) we were more like mates or brother/sister, which was why we ended up going our seperate ways. I didn't want to spend the rest of my life feeling like that. I had such a connection with mm that I never thought possible and realised that that is how I want to feel about someone who I would spend the rest of my life with. My Dad spent years with my Mum when he wasn't happy and I don't want my life to go the same way. With my bf, I feel that if I were to stay with him long term I would be getting myself into the same R that I was in with my ex and, if that were to be the case, I may as well be with the father of my child! This probably sounds really selfish but I am just trying to be honest. I'm reminded of a quote "I don’t want to belong to any club that would have me for a member". Its a little out of context, however it nicely illustrates what many women with self esteem issues feel. Your worth more than that... and there are poeple in your life that see this! Thanks Cobra. I know there are lots of people who love me. I have a close family and some very good friends. I just need to learn to love myself a bit more, I suppose!
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