liddie Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 So it has been 3 weeks since my MM went out west for his month long hunting trip. I have heard from him a few times and I find myself having a much clearer head. Over the weekend I saw his W and found myself wondering why? Not why is he with her, but why am I with him! I have had secret feelings for this other great guy for about a year now. He is totally single, never been married. We flirt and get together for a beer every now and then. I have never let myself admit that I had feelings for this guy because of my R with my MM. Well it turns out that this time apart was just what the doctor ordered. I have now let myself admit my feelings about this other guy and have also realized why I ever got involved with a MM to begin with. It turns out I was afraid of a relationship and the committment. This other guy is one of those that if you are lucky enough to end up with you stay with him as long as you can (the marrying kind). And seeing as I was M before and it ended so horribly I was afraid to go down that road again. My R with the MM was never going to evolve into anything. I liked going thru the motions with him and the fact that I didn't have to answer to him. We had fun. My heart let me know what I need to do and what I want. I am going to cut him loose when he gets home. I am ready for something thats REAL. I am ready to go on a date that is in the same town that I live in. I am ready to talk about the person that I am seeing and not lie all the time about not being in a R. I am ready to pick myself up and get involved with a great guy that can give me what I deserve. I know its not going to be easy, but if I don't do it now, I may loose the guy that gives me butterflies in my tummy and always has.
PoshPrincess Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 Way to go Liddie, that's fab! I am really pleased for you. I have to say I have had a few epiphanys myself since mm, but I think you are only supposed to have one, and then move on It sounds like this new guy is just what you need. Have fun!
Author liddie Posted October 17, 2007 Author Posted October 17, 2007 Can I ask Posh how you ended it with your MM? I know that being truthful and honest is the only way to go, but how do you walk away from someone you love?
PoshPrincess Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 Can I ask Posh how you ended it with your MM? I know that being truthful and honest is the only way to go, but how do you walk away from someone you love? There was never really an ending as such - that's what I have found so hard. It is SUCH a long story but we sort of drifted apart in a way although he was the one who finally said, "Enough's enough" so I didn't have a lot of choice. Neither of us wanted to carry on in an A so it was make or break really. Once I met my current bf things obviously got a lot easier but I sometimes feel like I will never get there. Sorry I can't give you more hope but don't forget, every situation is different. There a plenty on here who HAVE moved on once and for all!
Author liddie Posted October 17, 2007 Author Posted October 17, 2007 I know that it will be easier if I do get into a R with this other guy...but then I wonder is it rebound? I have had feelings for a while. Closure to me is an absolute MUST!! I can't move on till i get it, but thats just me. Having things left unsaid is not an option.
PoshPrincess Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 I know that it will be easier if I do get into a R with this other guy...but then I wonder is it rebound? I have had feelings for a while. Closure to me is an absolute MUST!! I can't move on till i get it, but thats just me. Having things left unsaid is not an option. I worry all the time that I should never have got involved with my bf and KNOW that it was a rebound, in a way. He does make me very happy but there's something missing (apart from the wedding ring! ) and I know he isn't my future. I kept getting told that as long as I was straight with him about what I did/didn't want then it would be ok and I always have been from the start. Does your new man know about mm at all?
Author liddie Posted October 17, 2007 Author Posted October 17, 2007 I worry all the time that I should never have got involved with my bf and KNOW that it was a rebound, in a way. He does make me very happy but there's something missing (apart from the wedding ring! ) and I know he isn't my future. I kept getting told that as long as I was straight with him about what I did/didn't want then it would be ok and I always have been from the start. Does your new man know about mm at all? Oh ya...infact they are really good friends. We were all together the night MM and I hooked up. I came right out and told him one night, and he said that if he was M to a women like that he would cheat too!! He said that its my life.
PoshPrincess Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 Oh ya...infact they are really good friends. We were all together the night MM and I hooked up. I came right out and told him one night, and he said that if he was M to a women like that he would cheat too!! He said that its my life. That's cool that he isn't being judgemental about your past. My bf also knows and is ok (although obviously doesn't know the extent of my feelings all this time later). He obviously likes you enough to take a chance on you (meaning that you COULD still have feelings for mm).
passionateconfusion Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 I have had my own epiphanies over the past few weeks - each time I have them I say 'wow'. If you are going to end things with MM I would do it in person. Calling on the phone/texting/email are the cowards way out. Ask to see him and tell him that it is over. Do it in peace and wish him best of luck in his life. Take each day at a time as I am sure you will still be thinking of him. Embrace and be thankful for the good times you shared and the value they brought to your life. Let him know this is your decision and you are sticking to it. It may come as a surprise to him and his first reaction will probably be an emotional one (hurt, anger). Just stand your ground and good luck. My mantra is ' one day at a time' ...
Author liddie Posted October 17, 2007 Author Posted October 17, 2007 A few weeks ago we were planning a trip that included the MM!! Now how is that for far fetched? The other guy knows that we are still together.
whichwayisup Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 All you have to say to your soon to be exMM is, the truth. The truth is, your relationship with him isn't going anywhere, he isn't leaving his wife and you need more. And, that you've met someone that you have feelings for and need to give that relationship a chance of growing into something wonderful. I'm sure the MM will understand...Sure it will probably hurt him, he'll take a blow to his ego, but he'll get over it and hopefully the A ending will make him focus on his wife and fix his marriage. It's a win-win situation.
Author liddie Posted October 17, 2007 Author Posted October 17, 2007 Pass - I agree 110% with everything you said. I could never end it over the phone or any other way but in person. I respect him and what we had too much to take the cowards way out. I am so greatful for the 10 months we had together and really and truly have no regrets.
PoshPrincess Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 If you are going to end things with MM I would do it in person. Definitely what I wish I could have done but I never got the chance. Passionate is SO right here. Personally, I think it's much harder to go back on things too, if you end things face to face. It will give you more willpower!
Author liddie Posted October 17, 2007 Author Posted October 17, 2007 On the flip side to doing it in person, is the emotions. Talk about checking them at the door. I know he will get mad/upset but he will also let me go. He has always said that I deserve more. i guess there is no way we can be friends huh?
whichwayisup Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 respect him and what we had too much to take the cowards way out. I am so greatful for the 10 months we had together and really and truly have no regrets. Hopefully he respects you as well and when you tell him it's over, it'll end on a mature note and he'll respect you enough to let you go and not try to keep you reeled in. Hopefully he'll want to see you happy and do what's best for you. Nope. You cannot be friends with him...For a number of reasons - And, if you want to start off a new relationship with this other guy, the MM has to go completely. It isn't fair to the new guy, and also you won't be able to 100% focus on him with the MM still in your life.
Author liddie Posted October 17, 2007 Author Posted October 17, 2007 Question WWIU - We run in the same circle of friends and undoubtedly will be around eachother this winter. Wouldn't it be easier if we agreed to be friends in that case? I am totally clueless and am really wanting your advice.
whichwayisup Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 Casual friends in the sense of hi, how are you...That is it. There is no way you can have him as a 'friend'. That affection and care has to disappear, the emotional attachment etc... You and this new guy should spend time alone and build your relationship up before you start hanging around with the exMM. Your new guy knows about you and the MM?
Author liddie Posted October 17, 2007 Author Posted October 17, 2007 Yes, we were all together the night the A started and he has always known about it. Your right about spending time alone.
passionateconfusion Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 Being friends right off the bat is difficult. You both have to give closure to the past relationship and leave it there - in the past. Build the foundation with the new man. The fact that he knows about the MM is a good thing - I would talk to him about it and let him know where you are at. I firmly believe in honesty and not keeping things hidden. You might have to sacrifice the time with the friends until you get yourself in check. In time, if the 3 of you can do it perhaps a friendship is possible. Yes, doing things face to face means emotion - but you can do it. I say this from my own experience. Keep the emotions in check, stand strong , and after he leaves have a good cry and let it all out.
whichwayisup Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 The thing is, the new guy won't trust you with the exMM. Reverse the situation, I doubt very much you would want him around his exMW or exgf when you two are just starting out. Don't talk to exMM after you end it with him. Don't talk on the phone, don't include him in ANY part of your life. You need to detach and get used to NOT having him in your life. Take things slow with this new guy...
Author liddie Posted October 17, 2007 Author Posted October 17, 2007 The more I talk with you all about the situation the stronger I am getting and more confident that I CAN DO THIS!! and more importantly that I will be a better for doing this. Slow and easy wins the race..right?
lovernotafighter Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 On the flip side to doing it in person, is the emotions. Talk about checking them at the door. I know he will get mad/upset but he will also let me go. He has always said that I deserve more. i guess there is no way we can be friends huh? I tried that with my MM and 8 months later we were worse than we ever were. friends is just a why to have a emotional affair still raging on, if I had to do it again I wouldn't
Author liddie Posted October 17, 2007 Author Posted October 17, 2007 Never thought of it that way. I guess it really isn't possible and that is why it is so hard.
lovernotafighter Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 Never thought of it that way. I guess it really isn't possible and that is why it is so hard. I know, believe me I know. I have been trying to figure out for weeks how to end my relationship once and for all and though I know it needs to be done when I think of him not in my life then the pain sets in. I wish you the best of luck, I know this isnt easy
Cobra_X30 Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 I know, believe me I know. I have been trying to figure out for weeks how to end my relationship once and for all and though I know it needs to be done when I think of him not in my life then the pain sets in. I wish you the best of luck, I know this isnt easy LNF, Just like Liddie, The answer can only be found inside of you! At some point you must decide you dont want to be a slave to your emotions. You must understand them to control them. Tackle this head on, and use one to manipulate the other! You deserve to be happy!
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