lexi29 Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 My ex and I have been apart for two weeks. This saturday will be exactly two weeks since I"ve last seen him. Its been a week since I last talked to him and our conversation wasn't friendly. There really was no closure- one day he was telling me he wanted to marry me, a week or so later he was telling me he wanted to be single. He kept changing his mind. Well I found out he was seeing someone else (he didn't cheat on me with her but instead cheated on HER with me as I slept with him three days after we broke up and I didn't know he was seeing anyone else) Well she found out as I told her (by accident) as I ddn't know she was his new girlfriend, I thought she was my friend and I was looking for advice. Anyhow now he hates me I think because I ruined his new relationship (I think they are probably still together but not sure) Well I'm finally out of the stage where you can't eat, cant sleep etc. I don't cry every day- down to maybe three days a week. I don't really want him back- he's obviously a liar and a cheater and I didn't know this when we were dating. I"m glad she's stuck with him now, they deserve eachother. But the thing is I still miss his 8 yr old son. He's a single dad so his son was always around. I never got to say goodbye to him. When my ex first broke up with me he said I could still see his son (take him places) but after I accidently told his girlfriend he cheated on her with me, he told me I'll never see his son again. When I went to get my stuff my ex said he wouldn't be there (last time we talked) and he was still very angry with me then (day after his new girlfriend found out he cheated on her) Well I left a note at his apartment telling him I didn't want him back, hoped he worked it out with new girl and that I was no threat to their relationship but I hoped he would let me see his son again. Well he never responded to that note. If I thought it would be better for his son that I never see him again I would do this, but his son and i were very close (like a favorite aunt or something) and I know he loved me. He told me every time I saw him and he doesn't say I love you to anyone but his dad. Also his mom abandoned him several times (comes in and out of his life) so he has been very hurt by adult women in his life. So I think that me "abandoning" him is hard on him too. I have no idea what my ex told him (probably that I hate him and won't be coming around) but I just want to see him so bad (his son not my ex) I'm contemplating calling my ex to ask if I can see his son. I don't know if his new girlfriend has told him he can't have any contact with me or not. Even if I call him and he is mean and hurtful toward me I think that will speed my recovery of getting over him. I actually called his cell last night to see if he changed his number (I figured he would) I called from a friend's cell phone (different area code and everything so he'll have no idea its me). He answered his cell so he hasnt' changed his number. I just hung up. I know that is dumb but I really want to talk to him. Just to see how he is doing. To ask if I can see his son. or at least talk to him. I don't want to get back together with him. I mean i miss what we had but I'd never have that again with HIM. How do i get rid of this urge to talk to him? Should I call him or should I continue no contact?
BrianG Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 How do i get rid of this urge to talk to him? Should I call him or should I continue no contact? lexi, i feel for you, i am behind you in not being being able to eat or sleep and I cry just about every day. I am in a different mindset in that i do want her back. Its only been a few days but I fight every bone in my body to not call her. The only thing i can think of is stay strong!!! I know you care deeply for his son, but you have to worry about yourself now. I dont know if this help, but every time i feel the urge to call her, which is every 20 seconds sometimes, instead i call a true friend or family member who is always willng to listen. This has helped me even though it sucks big time. It is very hard but you can do it and your not alone Stay strong and good luck
Author lexi29 Posted October 17, 2007 Author Posted October 17, 2007 Thank you for the advice, and I"m sorry to hear about your ex. 4.5 years was it? I was only with my ex for 3 but we were friends for six (he wanted to date me when we met but I was with someone else. Part of me just wants to connect with him and his son. I would settle for his son because I miss him. As for my ex, yes part of me does want him back but just the part that is hurting because having him back would make the pain go away or at least dull it. But I could never get back together with him, that chapter in my life is over because I would never be able to feel the same way about him again. See, before we broke up I was the happiest I'd been in a long time. He was talking about getting engaged, we were seeing eachother every day, had a great sex life, he was getting me to become more involved in his son's life. I felt like we were this happy little family. I had let my guard down (after keeping it up most of our relationship) I had no worries, I was always happy to see them. Well I guess those weren't the feelings he was experiencing. I found out he is not a family man. He is more of the "needs something new, needs variety guy" So while I was giving our relationship my all, and while I was thinking things were great between us and I couldn't be happier, he kept up the facade while he planned his escape. And he hates to be alone so his escape included dating someone else the minute he left me. So even if he came crawling back I couldn't take him back, I could date him casually but I know it would never lead anywhere because I won't ever have those happy carefree loving feelings toward him again. Cause when i did he yanked the rug right out from underneath me. Yet after all that, its weird that I still want to talk to him.
Author lexi29 Posted October 17, 2007 Author Posted October 17, 2007 Well I screwed up. Today would have been one full week of no contact. I was doing ok and then last night I just had this overwhelming urge to contact him. Well I gave in this morning just now- I texted him a short message just saying hi and asked if he reconsidered letting me see his son once. Not sure what I am hoping for. Just some kind of response. It would be great if he didn't hate me but probably what would be best is if he was rude and hurtful toward me and then I can get rid of these last good memories that I still have of our time together and see him for the as* he really is.
Author lexi29 Posted October 17, 2007 Author Posted October 17, 2007 Well I screwed up. Today would have been one full week of no contact. I was doing ok and then last night I just had this overwhelming urge to contact him. Well I gave in this morning just now- I texted him a short message just saying hi and asked if he reconsidered letting me see his son once. Not sure what I am hoping for. Just some kind of response. It would be great if he didn't hate me but probably what would be best is if he was rude and hurtful toward me and then I can get rid of these last good memories that I still have of our time together and see him for the as* he really is.
marlena Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 Providing you are convinced that this relationship is detrimental to your physical and emotional well - being : Here's how: You post like a maniac on LS. You disconnect yr phone. You delete numbers. You change yr phone no. You call up anyone who will listen to you mad ravings! You get friggin' PISSED OFF! You write emails that you never send! You lie still and rationalize! You go for a walk! You decide you are No. One ! You let your "good" ego kick in and determine to hold on to your integrity and self- esteem. You decide to let him/her sweat over NC! You chuck out anything that reminds you of him/her! You rearrange your furniture! You do some shopping therapy! You go out to lunch with a good friend! You work harder at your job! You get some self- help books! You start working on an aborted project! You buy a pet! And you keep posting like a maniac on LS! (Just to mention a few)!
CaliGuy Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 The urge to stop contact happens when you decide to respect yourself. Once you do that, you'll notice the urge to contact disappearing.
BrianG Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 Thank you for the advice, and I"m sorry to hear about your ex. 4.5 years was it? I was only with my ex for 3 but we were friends for six (he wanted to date me when we met but I was with someone else. Part of me just wants to connect with him and his son. I would settle for his son because I miss him. As for my ex, yes part of me does want him back but just the part that is hurting because having him back would make the pain go away or at least dull it. But I could never get back together with him, that chapter in my life is over because I would never be able to feel the same way about him again. See, before we broke up I was the happiest I'd been in a long time. He was talking about getting engaged, we were seeing eachother every day, had a great sex life, he was getting me to become more involved in his son's life. I felt like we were this happy little family. I had let my guard down (after keeping it up most of our relationship) I had no worries, I was always happy to see them. Well I guess those weren't the feelings he was experiencing. I found out he is not a family man. He is more of the "needs something new, needs variety guy" So while I was giving our relationship my all, and while I was thinking things were great between us and I couldn't be happier, he kept up the facade while he planned his escape. And he hates to be alone so his escape included dating someone else the minute he left me. So even if he came crawling back I couldn't take him back, I could date him casually but I know it would never lead anywhere because I won't ever have those happy carefree loving feelings toward him again. Cause when i did he yanked the rug right out from underneath me. Yet after all that, its weird that I still want to talk to him. its okay lexi were all human and its been only 2 days of no contact for me so far so i dont know how i will feel tomorrow. Just realize that you will only be hurting yourself more. I just dont want to give up on us even though i screwed up again and it seems like no contact is giving up to me, which i haven't given up yet. I fight the urge constantly. I would crawl, beg or do whatever i could do to win her back, but she said that she doesnt want to work it out. Yeah 5 years, she is picking up the last of her stuff today. Trying so hard to not call and tell her to reconsider. Marlena had some great ideas, do something, anything!!!! to get your mind off of him, i think about her every minute of the day so i know its hard, but things will get better, at least thats what i keep telling myself but still dont believe as of yet.
Author lexi29 Posted October 17, 2007 Author Posted October 17, 2007 . I just dont want to give up on us even though i screwed up again and it seems like no contact is giving up to me, which i haven't given up yet. I fight the urge constantly. I would crawl, beg or do whatever i could do to win her back, but she said that she doesnt want to work it out. Yeah 5 years, she is picking up the last of her stuff today. Trying so hard to not call and tell her to reconsider. Marlena had some great ideas, do something, anything!!!! to get your mind off of him, i think about her every minute of the day so i know its hard, but things will get better, at least thats what i keep telling myself but still dont believe as of yet. BrianG- one thing I can tell you from being on the other side (the one who ends the relationship) I was with my 2nd most recent ex for five years, we were engaged and living together. He didn't cheat on me, but he lied to me about some things (similiar to what you did) as well as some other issues we had. I left him and it was very hard but I did and he kept contacting me, begging for forgiveness, emailing me to say he was sorry, calling me to talk etc. When I moved my stuff out he was tearful, pleading with me not to leave. Let me tell you- it annoyed me and pushed me even farther away from him. I considered working things out but right then I needed my space and his constant begging and contacting me was even more of a reminder of how he hurt me. I would get so angry at him and just want him to leave me alone. So all of his efforts did the exact opposite of what he was trying to acomplish. Instead of winning me back I was discusted by his mere presense. As time passed and he stopped calling (few months later) and I didn't hear from him or know what he was doing I actually started to miss him and WANTED to talk to him. So when he stopped "being in my face" all the time and appearing needy and sad I actually wanted him back and started to reconsider my decision. So if you think there might be a chance for you and your ex to reconcile, then when she comes to get her stuff, dont beg or plead or suggest getting back together, don't tell her you love her, etc. Just act indifferent or something. After she gets her stuff no contact is the best thing for your relationship. Give her plenty of space and time to miss you. She may realize what she is missing and want you back.
CaliGuy Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 BrianG- one thing I can tell you from being on the other side (the one who ends the relationship) I was with my 2nd most recent ex for five years, we were engaged and living together. He didn't cheat on me, but he lied to me about some things (similiar to what you did) as well as some other issues we had. I left him and it was very hard but I did and he kept contacting me, begging for forgiveness, emailing me to say he was sorry, calling me to talk etc. When I moved my stuff out he was tearful, pleading with me not to leave. Let me tell you- it annoyed me and pushed me even farther away from him. I considered working things out but right then I needed my space and his constant begging and contacting me was even more of a reminder of how he hurt me. I would get so angry at him and just want him to leave me alone. So all of his efforts did the exact opposite of what he was trying to acomplish. Instead of winning me back I was discusted by his mere presense. Excellent example of what happens to men when they beg/pleade or otherwise throw their self-respect out the window. It absolutely KILLS attraction. As time passed and he stopped calling (few months later) and I didn't hear from him or know what he was doing I actually started to miss him and WANTED to talk to him. So when he stopped "being in my face" all the time and appearing needy and sad I actually wanted him back and started to reconsider my decision. Yep yep. NC can do that, but really at the point where one is begging and pleading for a second chance the odds are very slim. Once your self respect is lost, so is the attraction. So if you think there might be a chance for you and your ex to reconcile, then when she comes to get her stuff, dont beg or plead or suggest getting back together, don't tell her you love her, etc. Just act indifferent or something. After she gets her stuff no contact is the best thing for your relationship. Give her plenty of space and time to miss you. She may realize what she is missing and want you back. I will disagree with telling her you love her. I would just be indifferent, STOIC. No hugs goodbye, nothing. The phrase "never let them see you sweat" comes to mind.
BrianG Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 Let me tell you- it annoyed me and pushed me even farther away from him. I considered working things out but right then I needed my space and his constant begging and contacting me was even more of a reminder of how he hurt me. I would get so angry at him and just want him to leave me alone. So all of his efforts did the exact opposite of what he was trying to acomplish. Instead of winning me back I was discusted by his mere presense. As time passed and he stopped calling (few months later) and I didn't hear from him or know what he was doing I actually started to miss him and WANTED to talk to him. So when he stopped "being in my face" all the time and appearing needy and sad I actually wanted him back and started to reconsider my decision. So if you think there might be a chance for you and your ex to reconcile, then when she comes to get her stuff, dont beg or plead or suggest getting back together, don't tell her you love her, etc. Just act indifferent or something. After she gets her stuff no contact is the best thing for your relationship. Give her plenty of space and time to miss you. She may realize what she is missing and want you back. Thanks for the advice, i have been wondering on how to handle myself this saturday and I guess that is probably the best way to go. Its seems as if you ended up not reconsidering your decision as far as I can tell, why is that?
BrianG Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 I will disagree with telling her you love her. I would just be indifferent, STOIC. No hugs goodbye, nothing. The phrase "never let them see you sweat" comes to mind. So i basically say nothing? and act like i dont care, even though I do? is that what your saying?
CaliGuy Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 So i basically say nothing? and act like i dont care, even though I do? is that what your saying? If you show her that this is bothering you at all, you will show her you are weak and lacking confidence in yourself. I know that goes against a lot of things, including what a lot of people would say. But in the end, the proof is in the pudding. You have much more of an opportunity to make yourself look much worse than better in this situation.
Author lexi29 Posted October 17, 2007 Author Posted October 17, 2007 Thanks for the advice, i have been wondering on how to handle myself this saturday and I guess that is probably the best way to go. Its seems as if you ended up not reconsidering your decision as far as I can tell, why is that? Well I did reconsider, we tried dating again briefly (about six months after i broke up with him) because I missed him but due to distance (we were living together and I had moved 5 hours away from my friends and family to be with him which was one of our issues and when we decided to get back together I wasn't ready to pack up and move again so we tried long distance and it just fizzled out and our relationship didnt' last. but to this day he and I are friends. Not that being friends with your ex will make you feel any better right now. I wouldn't say much to her when she picks up her stuff. If anything be friendly (offer to help) but don't act like you miss her. Just be sort of aloof and like you don't care. I know this will be very difficult (going through this right now myself, only it was MY stuff at his place and he wasn't there) but it will show her that you can get along just fine without her and she may eventually reconsider. and I think this works both ways. I mean if a woman wants her ex back I would think she would have better luck acting like she doesn't care, being strong. If a guy had to choose between all these new fun women out there or a sad crying pleading mess (which we all become when the person we loved most in the world leaves us suddenly) then he probably would choose not to be around the sad crying begging mess that makes him feel guility.
Precious K Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 My ex and I have been apart for two weeks. This saturday will be exactly two weeks since I"ve last seen him. Its been a week since I last talked to him and our conversation wasn't friendly. There really was no closure- one day he was telling me he wanted to marry me, a week or so later he was telling me he wanted to be single. He kept changing his mind. Well I found out he was seeing someone else (he didn't cheat on me with her but instead cheated on HER with me as I slept with him three days after we broke up and I didn't know he was seeing anyone else) Well she found out as I told her (by accident) as I ddn't know she was his new girlfriend, I thought she was my friend and I was looking for advice. Anyhow now he hates me I think because I ruined his new relationship (I think they are probably still together but not sure) Well I'm finally out of the stage where you can't eat, cant sleep etc. I don't cry every day- down to maybe three days a week. I don't really want him back- he's obviously a liar and a cheater and I didn't know this when we were dating. I"m glad she's stuck with him now, they deserve eachother. But the thing is I still miss his 8 yr old son. He's a single dad so his son was always around. I never got to say goodbye to him. When my ex first broke up with me he said I could still see his son (take him places) but after I accidently told his girlfriend he cheated on her with me, he told me I'll never see his son again. When I went to get my stuff my ex said he wouldn't be there (last time we talked) and he was still very angry with me then (day after his new girlfriend found out he cheated on her) Well I left a note at his apartment telling him I didn't want him back, hoped he worked it out with new girl and that I was no threat to their relationship but I hoped he would let me see his son again. Well he never responded to that note. If I thought it would be better for his son that I never see him again I would do this, but his son and i were very close (like a favorite aunt or something) and I know he loved me. He told me every time I saw him and he doesn't say I love you to anyone but his dad. Also his mom abandoned him several times (comes in and out of his life) so he has been very hurt by adult women in his life. So I think that me "abandoning" him is hard on him too. I have no idea what my ex told him (probably that I hate him and won't be coming around) but I just want to see him so bad (his son not my ex) I'm contemplating calling my ex to ask if I can see his son. I don't know if his new girlfriend has told him he can't have any contact with me or not. Even if I call him and he is mean and hurtful toward me I think that will speed my recovery of getting over him. I actually called his cell last night to see if he changed his number (I figured he would) I called from a friend's cell phone (different area code and everything so he'll have no idea its me). He answered his cell so he hasnt' changed his number. I just hung up. I know that is dumb but I really want to talk to him. Just to see how he is doing. To ask if I can see his son. or at least talk to him. I don't want to get back together with him. I mean i miss what we had but I'd never have that again with HIM. How do i get rid of this urge to talk to him? Should I call him or should I continue no contact? I wish I had the answer to your question, because right about now I need the answer to prevent me from crawling back to my ex and ask him another chance. Good luck to you!
trulysomething Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 Oddly enough..when I did break down and contact my ex, I ended up feeling better that we had broken up! That's not to say that I don't want things to work out for us, but I realized he was not at the stage where he felt the need to make any changes and I knew I needed change. This stuck out in the conversation. We are excellent friends (or will be once I stop really caring about being with him), but I need more than that. Make a pros and cons list..and review the cons.. a lot! that also helps when you feel like contacting them
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