Krying Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 I had sent an email to my ex over the weekend. Her Dad spoke with me today and mentioned she wasn't happy, and to some degree neither was he. She didn't read the email until yesterday apparently, and was distraught about what I said. Her Dad told me that since it was over, to not have contact with her again. He also understood my position, and I am and will always be good friends with him. Now I have to say I'm quite pissed at myself. And it's not because of her. It's because I've been listening to too many damn people all telling me what I should be doing. Turns out all the "advice" I got and put into play has made this situation irreversible for good. Her Dad told me that if there was any slime chance of us getting back together, my email killed it. ****ing great. So me not contacting her for weeks, then sending her an email telling it how it is, and how she treated me etc., is giving me so much grief right now. Even me calling and end to the relationship was a stupid move. Even if she was going to do it, at least she was going to speak with me. My natural instinct has always been to be honest, straight forward and compassionate. Yet I've let a jerk appear in my head on how I'm supposed to act and carry on and, it's ended up making her feel horrible, but me too. I'm not that guy, and I regret every stupid thing I've done now. Guys, if you feel in your heart you need to be there for your ex, be supportive and not be a jerk, then don't. Don't go and get new girlfriends to make her jealous, don't treat her like **** because she is not in contact with you. Do what your heart tells you to do. I went against mine and will regret it for the rest of my life.
carrotgirl Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 Krying, always at the end of the day, the people we must face, the people we sleep with, the people we must ultimately answer to .... those people are ourselves. As for all that you think is the final outcome of the email, I will remind you of two of the most powerful words known: things change. Your email does not keep her away. It couldn't. You don't keep her away. The only thing that keeps her away is HER. Should she want to be with you badly enough, there is nothing you can do to make her stay away from you short of getting a court order. Think. Was there anything you could do to make her stay? No. There's nothing you can do to make her return. There's nothing you can do to deter her should she change her mind. You have control only over you. I have to believe that the choice you made at the time to send the email was the choice you thought was the best possible thing for yourself. Have faith in that. Be compassionate toward yourself. You did the best you could with the wisdom you had at the time. Now you're one week older and have a little more , exactly one week more, wisdom. Everything is going to be okay. Carrot
Author Krying Posted October 17, 2007 Author Posted October 17, 2007 Krying, always at the end of the day, the people we must face, the people we sleep with, the people we must ultimately answer to .... those people are ourselves. As for all that you think is the final outcome of the email, I will remind you of two of the most powerful words known: things change. Your email does not keep her away. It couldn't. You don't keep her away. The only thing that keeps her away is HER. Should she want to be with you badly enough, there is nothing you can do to make her stay away from you short of getting a court order. Think. Was there anything you could do to make her stay? No. There's nothing you can do to make her return. There's nothing you can do to deter her should she change her mind. You have control only over you. I have to believe that the choice you made at the time to send the email was the choice you thought was the best possible thing for yourself. Have faith in that. Be compassionate toward yourself. You did the best you could with the wisdom you had at the time. Now you're one week older and have a little more , exactly one week more, wisdom. Everything is going to be okay. Carrot The crux of the issue here I think is that she didn't actually want to be in a relationship. When things got going and they happened pretty fast, it was clear we were together, and a LTR was in the works. I guess this freaked her out. I feel she didn't know how to handle it, or want to hurt me by ending things, so thus carried on, while deep down not really wanting this. Thus when I ended things, she must have felt relief. Hence why she never contacted me. But I get on these forums, read ebooks and hear about how this is all a game and I start to believe it. I start to think I need to go get another GF to make her jealous, to act all happy and pretend I don't need her. Not only is that against how I've always acted and felt, I think in this case it was harmful. I never did go and get a new GF, but the reasoning behind such ideas and not agreeing with them, does not mean I was or am a doormat. Me sending an email calling her on her BS, was clearly not a smart move if it did kill off any microscopic part of her coming back around. Obviously her Dad told me this, but he's always been positive and never told me anything other than the truth. He has told me to move on and put it behind me. But this time when he said it, it was very blunt. Any chance if there was any, was now gone for good. There may have never been another chance, but the way he put it, sounded dreadful. When I sent the email, I felt it was appropriate due to how she was acting. I have seen her twice at my church since things ended. Both times, she was acting happy as can be, ignoring me, and pretending like I didn't mean anything to her. That might not have actually been the case. But when I sent the email, I felt I had nothing to lose, so let her rip if you will. The only way she will come back is if she wants to. You are right carrot. This goes inline with me trying to figure out what went wrong, or if anything, what I did to drive her away. It appears she simply ran away, and no matter what I did, I was not able to prevent her from leaving. I know I'm not supposed to, but I wish for the day when she does return. I'm a stubborn bastard and a hopeless optimist. Mix in some pessimism and some wild sarcasm and you've got my personality down to a T.
fabulousgal Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 from your earlier thread you made it seem like this email was not so hostile....was that not the case?
Author Krying Posted October 17, 2007 Author Posted October 17, 2007 I wasn't swearing at her or things like that. I did however call her deceitful and dishonest. Her Dad mentioned that as the reason for her distress. It wasn't hostile in the sense of a FU letter. But I guess after reading it over again, it was a rebuttal from my point of view on how she had acted, what she had said and so on. You have to remember, and I posted on this, that a week after things ended, she was ridiculing me with a friend of hers that had betrayed my trust and was dishing on me with her as well. So when I wrote the email, what did I have to lose. At least that's what a I felt at the time. I could have let loose on that email, but I think I kept it restrained somewhat. But after speaking with her Dad, I felt awful. I've never had her Dad talk to me in that way. He has said it's over before, but not in this way. This one really cut deep and him saying that if there was any chance of a turn around, that it was well and truly destroyed. He's not the kind of person to say something like that to me from his own words, so that must mean it came from her. I told him how sorry I was on how this all had developed. How I was sorry for making her feel distraught and he understood my position. He wasn't mad at me himself, but did want to make it clear for me to not email her again. I wrote them a combined apology letter. I see him often during the week at our church and will pass it onto him then. Whether he passes it onto her, will be at his discretion. I just can't stand knowing that I've hurt someone, when I did not intend to hurt them. Yes I said some things that might be harsh, but sometimes you have to say the truth.
Trimmer Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 How old is she again? I know dads want to protect their daughters, but once they are adults..... I appreciate that you have an honest man-to-man relationship with him, but isn't it a little wierd to have him running interference for her? And it sounds like when you were in the relationship, he was a part of it, too... So how old are the two of you?
Art_Critic Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 I wrote them a combined apology letter. I see him often during the week at our church and will pass it onto him then. Whether he passes it onto her, will be at his discretion. Stop writing letters and DO NOT give or pass that letter to him or her.. He asked that you leave her alone and not write any more letters to her and here you are writing a letter to her thru her Dad.. I told him how sorry I was on how this all had developed. How I was sorry for making her feel distraught and he understood my position. He wasn't mad at me himself, but did want to make it clear for me to not email her again. Stop and do NC.. and for god sake at this point don't listen to any of the romantic posts on here telling you to send the letter.. Don't send the apology letter.. you have already spoken face to face with her Dad.. That was enough.. Stop...
reboot Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 It's because I've been listening to too many damn people all telling me what I should be doing. Turns out all the "advice" I got and put into play has made this situation irreversible for good.I'll never understand why people trust their fate to a bunch of strangers on the Internet in the first place. Advice is just advice. I'm often surprised at the depth of relationship knowledge some people here display, and some of the advice on this forum is very good; however, some of it is very bad. And none of it should ever be just blindly followed.
CaliGuy Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 I had sent an email to my ex over the weekend. Her Dad spoke with me today and mentioned she wasn't happy, and to some degree neither was he. She didn't read the email until yesterday apparently, and was distraught about what I said. Her Dad told me that since it was over, to not have contact with her again. He also understood my position, and I am and will always be good friends with him. Now I have to say I'm quite pissed at myself. And it's not because of her. It's because I've been listening to too many damn people all telling me what I should be doing. Turns out all the "advice" I got and put into play has made this situation irreversible for good. Her Dad told me that if there was any slime chance of us getting back together, my email killed it. ****ing great. So me not contacting her for weeks, then sending her an email telling it how it is, and how she treated me etc., is giving me so much grief right now. Even me calling and end to the relationship was a stupid move. Even if she was going to do it, at least she was going to speak with me. My natural instinct has always been to be honest, straight forward and compassionate. Yet I've let a jerk appear in my head on how I'm supposed to act and carry on and, it's ended up making her feel horrible, but me too. I'm not that guy, and I regret every stupid thing I've done now. Guys, if you feel in your heart you need to be there for your ex, be supportive and not be a jerk, then don't. Don't go and get new girlfriends to make her jealous, don't treat her like **** because she is not in contact with you. Do what your heart tells you to do. I went against mine and will regret it for the rest of my life. This is why, Krying, we often stress very hard about NC and if you do write a letter, you never send it. We also recommend breaking off the relationship with her family for this very reason. What you say to her family will always get back to her. Not sure what advice you took, but at the end of the day whatever you choose to do is really what you wanted to do. You did what you felt you needed to do. Hopefully this helps you move on and forget about her. Nobody new will come into your life until you let go of the past.
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