buran Posted May 1, 2003 Posted May 1, 2003 Hi, My girlfriend broke up with me one week ago. I am 24 and she's 21. It's been three days since I last called her and told her that I loved her last time. We've been in a relationship for 3 years, everything was fine in the first 2 years. She had broken up about 6 months ago and we reunited after a month. Ten days ago, she came to my house and we had sex, she lost her virginity. She have been telling me to do that since 3 months, but I was declining her. Virginity is important in our culture, that's why I am writing this. She wanted it to happen with me. Next day, she called me, everything was fine. On Thursday, while I was driving her from the school to the theater, she told me on the way that she wanted to break up. She said that she didn't feel anything for me and we were very different from each other. I know she loves me. I've played always the pursuer in the relationship. My mother did not like her from the beginning and that wa an important effent on her decision because she thought that things never would change. She says that love is there but we're different and argue too much and the situation with my mother would not improve. What do you suggest friends out there, should I again try to win her back although she and her mother said that it's over permanently?
yes Posted May 1, 2003 Posted May 1, 2003 She told you what she didn't like. If you can improve the situation with your mother, and you're prepared to try and argue less & use better ways of communication, tell her just that and see if she gives it another chance. good luck, -yes
Author buran Posted May 1, 2003 Author Posted May 1, 2003 Thank you. I am ready to improve everything, and I did that after the first break-up, but she does not want to talk to me or see me. That's because it would be harder to break up for her, in my opinion. She told me that she's happy now and if I loved her really, I would not call her again. She knows that I will call her, beg her, send her romantic gifts, but this I time I don't think these will work...I can't believe all this. Her parents are against me this time...
yes Posted May 1, 2003 Posted May 1, 2003 you know, all the parents against it doesn't happen for no reason, even though that alone means nothing. i think all you can do right now is follow her request & leave her alone. it's entirely possible that she loves you, but sees no future with you, hence is moving on... one thing is for sure - if u keep calling, etc, and pressuring her, it will make her more and more sure that breaking up was the right thing to do. so the best bet is to leave her alone, right now. that's my view! best of luck, -yes
midori Posted May 1, 2003 Posted May 1, 2003 I think that there are probably several things going on which I, as an American woman, will not be aware of. So this advice is given with that in mind; any or all of it may be inappropriate for your situation. One thing that strikes me is that, having taken her virginity -- a big thing in your culture -- you must feel even more obliged to her than you did before the two of you had sex. Of course that would be a pretty big deal here in America, for most people, but it's even more significant in your culture. So there you are: you're in love with her, you feel obliged to her. You're willing to do whatever it takes to make the relationship work. That's a rather nice position for her to be in, isn't it? She's got you begging, showering her with gifts, promising all kinds of change -- whatever will win her back. Why has she put you in such a position? She may be very confused. Perhaps that's what led her to sleep with you. Perhaps that's why she's been giving you mixed messages. But ultimately her confusion is something that she is responsible for, and which she needs to resolve. You can't let it hold you trapped, waiting and hoping that she'll choose to be with you. So my advice is to make your wishes known to her once and for all. Tell her everything that's in your heart. And then do not initiate further communication or contact with her. Assume that, until you hear from her (IF you hear from her), the relationship is firmly over. You have not forced her to do anything she didn't want to do; there is no reason that you should have to obey her every wish just to have a relationship with her. That is not love.
Author buran Posted May 1, 2003 Author Posted May 1, 2003 Well, I am not calling her since 3 days... I hope she will call, but that's unprobable. She has my childhood photos and most of our pictures. I tolda her that if that's her final decision, then she should send me my photos and letters. Nothing arrived yet. I will try to wait some time and then call her to talk. If she does not talk with me, then I will tell her -and mean it- to send my photos. Because we never exchanged gifts etc before. If I ever hold my photos and letters in my hands, then I will try to convince myself to forget her (which is impossible ( I am waiting her to miss my hands and hugs and voice. Would that work?
Author buran Posted May 1, 2003 Author Posted May 1, 2003 Dear midori, Thank you for your advice. What I don't understand is, we have been making love since the beginning of this relationship except preserving her virginity. Most of the time I've been the pursuer in this relationship. Even though I thought she was wrong, I called her, apologised most of the time. After one year she gave me a love letter on the recent Valetine's day. She now says that we were "playing the overtime". I don't know what to believe... When I showed her the love mesages on my phone she had sent recently, she said that these were instantenous happy moments.
midori Posted May 1, 2003 Posted May 1, 2003 Originally posted by buran I am waiting her to miss my hands and hugs and voice. Would that work? My point is, why are you letting her play these games? She is not behaving like someone who loves you. She is toying with you and is not showing you any consideration or respect. Why put up with that? If you have made your position clear to her -- and it sounds like you have -- then all you can do is get on with your life. Right now it does not look like your life is going to include her. How long are you going to stand on the side of the road, waiting to see if she cares to walk with you? Just start walking. If she wants to catch up with you she will. Ask yourself this: what kind of person, man or woman, treats loved ones coldly, dismissively, and without care? Do you want to have such a mean person as a friend or a wife? I don't think so. The only other logical answer is that she is very immature or just stupid: neither of these are good qualities in a wife/girlfriend either. You keep asking "what can I do to win her back?" and "will this work?" but I think your question ought to be "what is her problem?" Since she's not giving you any meaningful answers to that question, I think you ought to walk away. What's the point? She's not letting you be her friend or her lover. You can't help her. If the childhood pictures are one-of-a-kind and very important to you then get them back from her. Tell her politely that you would like to have them back within the next week. Give her two days to respond as to how she will return them to you; if she hasn't responded in two days then go to her house to retrieve them, or send a friend, or however you think is best. Don't use it as an opportunity to start a conversation -- she's not going to have a conversation with you. Your only goal is to get the pictures back. I think this woman is playing games. I think she has set you up to feel very indebted to her, so she knows that she can jerk you around and you will do nothing. She may be holding onto your things as a way of keeping you on a leash. It really doesn't sound good.
Author buran Posted May 2, 2003 Author Posted May 2, 2003 You seem to be right, but.. Remembering how many times I treated her bad in situations something I thought shouldn't be happen... I wish I'd stay calm sometimes. One more thing is, whenever we're happy and no problemles around, we were walking on the streets like new lovers or couples in honeymoon, even after 3 years. Oh, God help me, I love this girl and want her back...
jessicakicksbut Posted May 2, 2003 Posted May 2, 2003 Maybe the reason why your girlfriend wanted to have sex with you for her first time because she yearned to lose her viriginity, and felt right doing so with someone she felt comfortable around. It could have been that she had strong sexual urges that she felt she could no longer tame. Basically, what I am saying is that she may have used you for that reason, even though she no longer desired to be in a relationship with you. I hope I am not insulting you by saying that, but in our culture I have seen girls lose their virginity to men who they are only friends they are comfortable with, just because they can no longer tolerate being a virgin.
Author buran Posted May 2, 2003 Author Posted May 2, 2003 I thought that also, but I don't believe that. I think that she's so confused with problems with me and with her parents. She wants more freedom although she also has more than average. She does not want to stay home. She goes to her best friend, who is staying alone, 2-3 times in a week to stay overnight. What I want to know for sure is, what to do to win her back? how long should I wait to do something and what to do? There's still love between us, I know that...
bob Posted May 2, 2003 Posted May 2, 2003 Sorry buddy, sounds like she's met someone else. She has probably slept with that person & slept with you to make sure that she was doing the right thing. If you beg, plead & harass her she will just despise you even more.
Tony T Posted May 2, 2003 Posted May 2, 2003 So why doesn't your mother like her? No matter why a woman doesn't want to be with you, even if it's because they don't like the color your house is painted, it's a valid reason and one you should respect. Life is hard enough without pursuing somebody who doesn't want to be with you...even if it's only because your mother doesn't like them...or they don't like your haircut. Most women don't want to marry me because they feel they don't deserve me and so I assume they're damned well correct!!! Nobody would say that just to make me feel good, you know.
Author buran Posted May 2, 2003 Author Posted May 2, 2003 Today morning I received an anonymous call onto my cellular phone. When I answered, the caller closed. I suspect that she's the caller, because I don't receive too many calls general, but why would she do such a thing?
circle Posted May 10, 2003 Posted May 10, 2003 Hi Buran, I have offered similar advice to another post Today, and its something Midori alluded to. You cannot make things change, there is little you can do, if she felt the same way right now as you do, there would be no need for you to do anything. Most people reading this will relate to your pain, we have all been through it, I for one am on the road to recovery from it right now!!. Best to let her know how you feel in a clear non pressurising manner. In a way that is intended to let her know how she is loved, but that you expect nothing. Then assume its over, try to calm down and let time do its thing. Later on you can take some comfort in that you shared with each other what few will. Good luck
Author buran Posted January 8, 2004 Author Posted January 8, 2004 Dear friends, It's been 8 months but she I still don't have my belongings. After the last post, I've managed to get dates with her, we've shared many positive experiences without commitment and I nearly got her back in mid-summer, but some stupid mistakes made these positive experiences absolote. We were still seeing each other, sometimes hand-in-hand, sometimes just "friendly". Now she's with some else since 2-3 months. She says that she's not serious, does not want to lose me forever, saw his big mistakes and will break-up when it bocems boring. But she doesn't want me to call her because of her new boyfriend. It became obvious she was dating both of us for weeks. I told her multiple times that if I can't call her in mid-week when she's in school, she should give me my belongings. She did not give them to me. She knows that if I take them back, I will never call her and she will lose me forever even the ground will split. She told me to wait for her to call. Yesterday I invited her to the Chinese rest. and to bring the belongings via SMS. She later called me and declined in a rude way and told me that they had a fight with him because of this message. He did not know that she saw me. I again told her to give me my belongings and its over, she aggred. But I know, she still will not give them to me this weekend. She's playing games with me. She's not sure with her new rel. and does not want to lose me forever. But she disrespects me and declines to spend time with in the last 20 days. What should I do? Why is she playing such game with me? My friends tell me to forget her and leave belongings. She says she does not love me,but we have still a bond. What's this? She told me that I made the mistake of pushing her all the time, "raising her to the queen" and pushed her to someone else. Oh my god, help me....
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