Steffie575 Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 Alright. Here's the story. I am an almost 23 year old woman. When I was 16 I met a guy named Adam who is about a year older than me. We became friends, but then he had to move back to California (where he's from) with his family. I live in FL. We continued to talk on the phone, write letters. send cards, etc. Over time, we became very connected and fell in love. I think we made such a tight bond because we had no physical interaction at all during those first few years, just talking constantly. Finally he came back to Florida to visit me and we had an AMAZING time. We continued this long distance thing with 2 week visits every so often and it was hard, but we were in love! The way he talked to me....I thought our love was special; that we were meant to be. The last time he came here was about 5 months ago and we had a great time. After he left I had been going through some hard times and it seemed like we were constantly fighting (which I realize now that I was probably bringing out my stress on him somewhat). During a particularly bad fight I told him that I thought he wasn't trying hard enough to transfer his job and save up money to move down here. Which he was trying to do....I was just mad and upset so I said it. So then he starts ignoring me. This goes on for a month. A month!! I was upset but we've had fights before where we ignore each other and take our space but we ALWAYS went back to each other. I went along with it for a week, but after that began calling and texting him everyday wanting to make up. it was so frustrating because the phone is our only way of contact. Eventually I got desperate and hacked into his Myspace account. (Bad idea!) I proceeded to find some messages back and forth to a girl who lives in California. Flirty messages but I didn't think anything too much of it. He figured out I got into his Myspace and FINALLY calls me. I ask about the girl and he tells me she is his new GIRLFRIEND. WTF! I am in complete shock and he tells me that what I said in our last fight really hurt him and during this last month he fell out of love with me! Of course I screamed and cried for hours on the phone with him that night and the night after. He told me he's already over me. That was almost two weeks ago and since that weekend he hasn't spoken one word to me. His new girlfriend even sent me messages on stupid Myspace telling me to leave them alone! Then he deleted me from his Myspace. Its only Myspace, yes, but to me it is another part of his life Im blocked from. So here's the thing. During our relationship he has basically been OBSESSED with me. We talked about kids, marriage, everything. We were in LOVE. He always said that if we ever broke up it would be me breaking up with him because he could never do it. He also said that if we broke up it would take ages for him to get over me. Yet he's "over me" in a month? Ive read that it takes at least half the time you were with someone to get over them. In my heart I know he isnt over me and that he still loves me. I know he thinks hes over me because he has another girl to focus on, you know? But i miss him SO much, Ive basically cried myself to sleep for two weeks straight. What no one seems to understand is that I dont WANT to get over him. I believe he will come back to me. No one understandds the way we used to talk to each other. Are all the things he said lies? Or is he just hurt and masking it with a new girl? Is it possible to leave a six year relationship and in a month be over that person? To fall out of love? And be with someone else? Is it possible that we will work it out if I give him time. Im afraid if I leave his relationship alone he may fall in love with her. But on the other hand, I also think that if i try to stop contacting him he will see what he's missing and come back to me? I dont know what to do or think.
alwayshurt Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 He is definetely over you and if you keep on pushing him eventually he will hate you. My therapist once told me it takes 20 minutes for somebody to change his/her feelings. It can be a word bad said, an attitude...anything. You definetely screw up by imposing your priorities before his. That was probably the breakin point. However, his feelings were not as strong as you/he would think. What made your relationship fabulous was probably the long distance which, sometimes, attract people even more. I had a LD relationship with a woman for about a year. I screw up myself the same way and this person now doesn't wnat to talk to me anymore. One year has gone by since the break up. Sometime I try to contact her via email (she changes her phone number), just to be friend cause I am finally over her but I stil respect the person, but she never answers me. You need to leave him alone and move on. There is no way you can make things work, at this time, since he has showed you that he's not interested anymore. he's no faking he's just over you. My guess is that he won't come back. You need to accept this and work on yourself not to make thre same mistake again in your future relationsips. Good luck.
brothermartin Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 Hey STEFFIE. Some advice: Wether hes over you or not is beside the point. He left you, that is what you need to come to terms with. Ive said this before, nothing hurts like being made to feel like you're not worthy of someone. Trust me, I know this. No one WANTS to get over the person they love, but when that person decides to bow out of the relatonship, what choice do we have? Your choice is simple, and easier than you know. At least the guy dosent live in the same town as you. Then you would have to change where you go,when, times, stuff like that, just to make sure you dont run into them. Keep your head up honey. Things will get better for you before you realize it.
Blurple Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 Look this is what you have to do... Stop crying to him.(no guy likes that, its a headache) Act like you dont care dont pick up the phone when he calls..... disappear !!!!.. you have been in a LDR for 6 years.. Sounds like he is excited to have something closer.. LDRs are complicated. you need to move on yourself. dont worry about him.. dont talk to him unless he is willing to comeback. the truth is he prob will try to call you.. just to see if you are an option still.. the best thing for you to do is accept that its over and move on.. dont cry to him it will just push him further. Im sorry i know its hard well have all gone thru this ourselves
ninjaturtles Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 Hey, sorry to hear what you are going through. First of all, dont cry and scream on the phone and all that...it would only make you look crazy and him and his new girlfriend would be probably thinking to themselves...'err what a crazy ex, thenk Goodness she is gone'. Nevertheless, i honestly understand the way you feel. My guess is that he was talking to this girl before you knew it...and he may used the excuse that you said hurtful things to him to break up with you. when were these messages dated? I mean, since when did they start sending eachother messages? Plus, when you fought the last time, what did you say to him?? The thing is, a lot of time, men use excuses to break it off, when in reality, those excuses are not the real reasons..so in this case, it could be that he found someone closer to him and started to like her a lot, so used the argument excuse to break up with you. If you claimed he likes you as much as you liked him, he would not have left you for an argument....as i said before, what did you say to him in the argument so i can help you analyse what probably went wrong. Anyway, dont be disllusional, thinking he still loves. yes, he may be distracted from you as he is with this new girl, but you need to stop calling, stop crying....a few years down the line, you would look back and think to yourself, why did i act that way? 6 years is a long time, and i dont think it is definitely over yet....by that i mean you will defeinitely speak with eachother etc, but it may be in a year. 6 months, 3 months..see i can understand your pain, but you need to stay strong. A lot of people have been through rough times, read things on LS...they help a lot. So pls answer the questions asked...and pls keep yourself occupied, dont call or contact him, talk to your friends, read websites.xxx
ninjaturtles Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 Did your theraphist really say that? I mean about the 20mins thing?intresting
brothermartin Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 Hey ALWAYS, ask your therapist if that 20mins. also applies to getting over being dumped. If it dose, I want his/her number!
alwayshurt Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 She did say that and I was surprised and hurt at the same time (I was dealing with a brokenheart). I thought a lot about what she said and realized is totally true. Many people in this board complain that their exs made plans to get married, living together etc. and the following day all was over. This is the proof that we changed our mind very easily because we have not clue of what it is going on in the most deeper inconsciuos sections of our brains. As for getting over, I think it is a little more difficult, but my guess is that yes it also applies to it. It all depends on external situations, something that you cannot predict. In this scenario, I believe that the only thing that can make you get over being dumped is if you met somebody else that would catch you interest (and you heart). I was once dumped by this girl I was in love. I thought I could not get over her and was very down. One month later my feeling hadn't change but I met a girl on line and start talking to her for hours. I can tell you that before I knew it the other girl was out of my mind. Remember that whatever makes us suffer or gives us happiness is only a distorted interpretation of our thoughts. It is only in our mind. You can practice with meditation and other spiritual tools to overcome pains and be an happier person within yourself. (I am not a fanatic of spirituality but at a certain point in my life it worked). Read this book, it is a winner: Turning the Mind into an Ally, by Sakyong Miphan.
Author Steffie575 Posted October 22, 2007 Author Posted October 22, 2007 The messages were recent, as in a month ago. I guess its possible that he was talking to her before then but he said they werent. The last fight we had involved him telling me i deserved everything ****ty he's ever done to me. I then told him that he wasnt trying hard enough to be in the same state as me and told him to leave me alone. He blamed that for why he left me. I just dont know what Im doing because he is the only relationship ive ever had and i just believed every single thing he ever told me and I took his promises seriously. Ugh. Thank you so much for responding.
Author Steffie575 Posted October 22, 2007 Author Posted October 22, 2007 Look this is what you have to do... Stop crying to him.(no guy likes that, its a headache) Act like you dont care dont pick up the phone when he calls..... disappear !!!!.. you have been in a LDR for 6 years.. Sounds like he is excited to have something closer.. LDRs are complicated. you need to move on yourself. dont worry about him.. dont talk to him unless he is willing to comeback. the truth is he prob will try to call you.. just to see if you are an option still.. the best thing for you to do is accept that its over and move on.. dont cry to him it will just push him further. Im sorry i know its hard well have all gone thru this ourselves This whole paragraph is my favorite response...this is what im gonna do. Just live my life and see what happens.
Blurple Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 This whole paragraph is my favorite response...this is what im gonna do. Just live my life and see what happens. Focus on you and making yourself better anyway you can get in shape makeover since you are a girl.. when he sees that he might regret his decisions. However, you are not gonna make yourself better to get him back remember that. you are doing it so you can find someone better for you!!!! Good luck keep up updated
Recommended Posts