Some Important Questions....no one else to ask :(

[Steffie575]

Alright. Here's the story. I am an almost 23 year old woman. When I was 16 I met a guy named Adam who is about a year older than me. We became friends, but then he had to move back to California (where he's from) with his family. I live in FL. We continued to talk on the phone, write letters. send cards, etc. Over time, we became very connected and fell in love. I think we made such a tight bond because we had no physical interaction at all during those first few years, just talking constantly. Finally he came back to Florida to visit me and we had an AMAZING time. We continued this long distance thing with 2 week visits every so often and it was hard, but we were in love! The way he talked to me....I thought our love was special; that we were meant to be. The last time he came here was about 5 months ago and we had a great time. After he left I had been going through some hard times and it seemed like we were constantly fighting (which I realize now that I was probably bringing out my stress on him somewhat). During a particularly bad fight I told him that I thought he wasn't trying hard enough to transfer his job and save up money to move down here. Which he was trying to do....I was just mad and upset so I said it.

 

So then he starts ignoring me. This goes on for a month. A month!! I was upset but we've had fights before where we ignore each other and take our space but we ALWAYS went back to each other. I went along with it for a week, but after that began calling and texting him everyday wanting to make up. it was so frustrating because the phone is our only way of contact. Eventually I got desperate and hacked into his Myspace account. (Bad idea!) I proceeded to find some messages back and forth to a girl who lives in California. Flirty messages but I didn't think anything too much of it.

 

He figured out I got into his Myspace and FINALLY calls me. I ask about the girl and he tells me she is his new GIRLFRIEND. WTF! I am in complete shock and he tells me that what I said in our last fight really hurt him and during this last month he fell out of love with me! Of course I screamed and cried for hours on the phone with him that night and the night after. He told me he's already over me. That was almost two weeks ago and since that weekend he hasn't spoken one word to me. His new girlfriend even sent me messages on stupid Myspace telling me to leave them alone! Then he deleted me from his Myspace. Its only Myspace, yes, but to me it is another part of his life Im blocked from.

 

So here's the thing. During our relationship he has basically been OBSESSED with me. We talked about kids, marriage, everything. We were in LOVE. He always said that if we ever broke up it would be me breaking up with him because he could never do it. He also said that if we broke up it would take ages for him to get over me. Yet he's "over me" in a month? Ive read that it takes at least half the time you were with someone to get over them. In my heart I know he isnt over me and that he still loves me. I know he thinks hes over me because he has another girl to focus on, you know? But i miss him SO much, Ive basically cried myself to sleep for two weeks straight. What no one seems to understand is that I dont WANT to get over him. I believe he will come back to me. No one understandds the way we used to talk to each other. Are all the things he said lies? Or is he just hurt and masking it with a new girl?

 

Is it possible to leave a six year relationship and in a month be over that person? To fall out of love? And be with someone else? Is it possible that we will work it out if I give him time. Im afraid if I leave his relationship alone he may fall in love with her. But on the other hand, I also think that if i try to stop contacting him he will see what he's missing and come back to me? I dont know what to do or think.

[Duck n' Bunnies]

Hi there,

 

I really feel horrible for you. This is a very sensitive time in your life and I want you to know that you are NOT the only one out there. I know that you love him and WANT to be with him and WANT to stay with him, but are just beyond hurt that all of this happened. I don't want to puncture an already delicate wound, but I really think that he was falling out of love with you while you were still in the relationship. It wasn't a six year relationship, but my girlfriend just broke up from a 4 year relationship with her guy, and she lived with the guy, but just said she was falling out of love with him way before they broke up, about a year before, she just didn't have the heart to hurt his feelings because she still cared for him, just not the way she did before. Distance and what you have been doing is probably not the most stable kind of relationship, especially when his life is in Cali, and yours is in FL. It's hard I know, but it really seems like hes found something about this new girl that strikes his interest, and I can guarentee you that one of the main things he likes about her, is that she is right there with him in Cali. There is no need for phonecalls, webcams and such. He can take her on dates and spend time with her and I think that is something he is searching for. Men are an aweful lot more physical than women. Another thing is you broke a trust bond. You broke into his myspace, which I mean did happen after he met this girl, but really, with the state you were in with him, was that really a smart thing to do? No, you said it yourself.

 

The whole thing about the OBSESSION you were talking about... I know what thats like, because I've said the exact same things to my boyfriend our whole relationship (which is only 3 years). "I hope I die before you do when we are old and grey because I couldn't see myself living without you!" "I would never leave you, you would leave me before I ever left you!" "You are the greatest thing thats ever happened to me!" "What was wrong with your old girlfreinds? Why would anyone want to dump you? You are perfect! I love you no matter what!" I wanted to get married, and I said I was 100% commited and everything and he was all for it as well, but this week he was disrespecting me SO BAD that I got fed up and told him it was over. (My situation is a bit different then yours, as he did apologise, and ask me not to separate, and is getting help, which I admire, and I do love him alot and there are reasons behind this situation, and aI m going to stay with him, but) My point is that even though I was overobsessed with him, I seriously would have left him because I was that sick of his bull****! Distance and relationships are work. The worst part is the communication! Emails can be misinterpreted. Phonecalls can be long, senseless and boring, and webcams lose their charm after an extended period of time. I know that if my boyfriend and I had a long distance relationship that had no actual dates set for meeting back with eachother, (Or lasted more than a year at a time) then we would DEFINANTLY not be together. It's too easy to fight when you are apart, and not easy to keep eachothers needs equally supported. I know you are hurting... and my heart bleeds for you.

Take some time and breathe. Listen to supportive music. keep yourself occupied. I know, easier said then done... but you are not alone. Take care!

 

P.S - Part of me really hopes Im wrong and that it all works out for you.

[Steffie575]

Thank you for responding, I really appreciate that. I do know that our situation was not ideal, and I could admit that maybe his feelings were changing before the break up. I never thought that before now, though. I thought we really WERE special....that we could survive this. I can see how having a girlfriend who actually lives in Cali would be better in his mind but I just cant believe he would give me up in order to have that! He was my first boyfriend and I guess Im just naieve. I do hope we get back together though...its been two weeks since we talked and instead of getting better its getting worse for me.

[Duck n' Bunnies]

When my first boyfriend broke up with me, I swear to God I thought the world was over. I went into panic attacks, I was only 17 and we dated for a year. There is nothing more heartbreaking then hearing that someone you love has found someone else. And guess what... its been 4 years now... they broke up after 4 years... and hes miserable... and I'm with an awesome boyfriend now! (Just as long as he doesn't get on my nerves! LOL) This is what my best friend said to me when I was all Depressed "You know what! You are going to have everything you want in life because you work hard and have more passion and willingess to fix broken things in your life. He's going to give up on alot of things and one day you'll be walking down the road and there he will be in a cardboard box, and you can kick his box and destroy his home! And then he will have regretted it forever and you wont care becasue you'll have moved on and you wont be living in a dirty old box!

I know she was trying to make me laugh... but you get the jyst.

[Steffie575]

Thanks for replying. What I find the hardest is getting the "future" thoughts out of my head. I keep thinking....what if we're meant to be together in the end? Its really hard for me to believe that someone who used to be so in love with me only two months ago...for six years....can move on so easily? The love cant all be gone. Unless everything he ever said was a LIE. You know what he said to me when I was upset over this? He said "Im sorry Im hurting you, i know how this feels." Referring to the girlfriend he had BEFORE me!!! Aka he doesnt feel that pain towards me! I cant understand this.

[Duck n' Bunnies]

Believe me, future thoughts will deteriorate.