Friends?

[nathan339]

Alright well my girlfriend broke up with me a little over 3 weeks ago. I still want her back. When she broke up with me she asked of course "why can't we just be friends?" I said I don't know we'll try it. Now if I talk to her she seems uninterested, and when I ask if I can talk to her she tells me to write her a myspace message as opposed to talking in person. She is letting me take her to dinner for her birthday and I'm going to try to act how I acted when we first met but I have a feeling it wont work on her. She's stubborn and seems to want to avoid the truth so that she doesn't feel bad. I've heard from many people that if I want any chance of getting her back I have to let her know we can't be just friends, the "all or nothing" type of thing. So I was wondering if I don't any response from her at dinner, should I tell her we can't be friends? She says she still cares about me and doesn't want me out of her life, but she's hurting me. I've always been there for her whenever she wanted me, and by telling her i can't be her friend, I figured it would make her think about what she is losing. I really love her and want her to come back to me. Any help on the subject would be great.Thanks.

[heartoutside]

I wouldn't even go to dinner with her. Just tell her something came up and maybe some other time you can take her out, and drop off the face of the earth. Do NC, trust me. I just went through 4 months of back and forth crap from my ex, her constantly texting and contacting me and she never had a chance to see what it was like without me (trully) and now she's dating someone else which she casually announced via myspace and facebook.

 

Telling her that you can't be friends will just make her try harder to keep you as a friend. I said the exact same thing to my ex when we first broke up, that we can't be friends and she seemed to understand. She even said at one time that her BF before me didn't talk to her for 2 years after they broke up, as if she was expecting me not to talk to her for 2 years. But she went on to text me just about every other day.

 

Also, there is no way you'll be able to hide what you feel after only a month in a break up. She'll smell it out and see right through it. It took me 2-3 months to get anywhere near that stage.

 

So listen to what you've said yourself, she's "hurting you"." She's hurting you, so why let her do that?! By being her friend you're letting her have her cake and eat it too, while all you get is the hurt and pain. It's not worth it, you may feel like it is now but just take sometime to yourself and think about yourself.....take a big step back and look at the big picture.

 

I wish I had listened to everyone and just let her be. You need to let her understand by your actions, that it's not ok for her to walk out of your life and then expect you to be a friend in return. And at the same time you need to focus on yourself, workout like an animal (I've lost 15 pounds, started running again and I'm hoping to run a marathon by next fall and my 6 pack is coming back) become comfortable just being yourself and who your are. It's all about getting your confidence back and your focus, don't let her take that away from you, she's already taken a little of your heart, don't let her take anything else.

 

So I'm suggesting NC........it will be hard, very hard at first, but you need to do. But listen to your heart if you need too (I did and I got stuck, so be careful). Good luck

[seven3four]

disappear.. don't even wish her a happy birthday

[nathan339]

Yeah I was thinking i should do that. You're right. I'm a really nice guy so its gonna be hard for me to lie to her and tell her i can't take her but whatever. I'll try NC because nothing else is working. So should I even tell her we can't be friends? Or just not talk to her at all? Whatever it takes to make her realize she let a good thing go.

[heartoutside]

As much as you want her to realize that she's let a good thing go, there's nothing you can do to make her see that. She's going to make her own choice and see things the way she wants to see them. If, by you going into NC, she sees that she made a big mistake, then great. I honestly still hope my ex does the same now (but I don't think she will). I know this new guy she's dating is just a rebound (then again maybe he isn't), but I've played enough games and put my heart on the line one too many times. But the real reason I'm doing NC is because I need to get on with my life and focus 100% on me. I wasn't more then a week ago that she sent me a text saying she wanted to sleep next to me, now she's dating this guy a week later. She knows how I feel, and she knows I love her, she made the choice to walk away (and then **** with my heart). You don't want that! It's not about making her realize what she's given up, but allowing you to focus on yourself without her constant contact drag'n you down.

[nathan339]

Yeah you're right. Thanks a lot for the help. I still love her and she knows that because I already made the mistake of telling her. She knows how I feel so its up to her now, I'll just leave her be and see what happens. The way she's been acting is getting on my nerves anyway haha. I

[nathan339]

that last post cut off for some reason. But yeah I do need some time for myself, i poured everything I had into my relationship with her so I guess I need to build up my individuality again and see how we feel later.

[heartoutside]

Telling her you love her isn't a mistake. You did what you felt in your heart was the right thing to do, I did the same (twice! ). But now it's time to focus on you and have fun (that's the important part!) Don't think anything you did was wrong, unless you beat her or something along those lines.

Also, I think you're still holding on to her coming back, which is fine (for now), but you also have to realize that she might not come back. So focusing on yourself isn't about doing it so you can just contact her again in a few months and show her the new you. You're not working on your "Self" for her, your working and focusing on yourself for YOU. Why? Because you'll have that confidence once again and some fine ass girl (sorry ladies) will see that and want it!

[brothermartin]

Hey man, I just read your letter. Join the club. Seriously though, leave her alone. I know it hurts, but by letting her string you along like that is not good for you. I've heard other opinions of why women crush you and then give you the "can we just be friends?" bulls**t. They know they've hurt you, so they do that out of GUILT. It may be that she's just trying to make herself feel better about hurting someone she really cared about. So she's trying to make you save herself some pain by being selfish and tricking you into being O.K. with what she's done to you. Why did she leave you anyway?

[Pentula77]

The thing with NC is it ups the attraction / challenge in the girl big time...making things harder for the guy.

[nathan339]

Yeah haha thanks:). Well she left me because she claims things didn't "feel the same" anymore. I know why but she denies it. I was kind of just moping around not being fun for a while because I was tired and just some other stuff going on in my life. And I know girls always want things to be how they were in the beginning but its been a while since then and we were very comfortable with each other. I was too nice though, I don't think i presented much of a challenge for her anymore, which is something I should have done, and if given a second chance later on (which I hope I do because everyone is telling her shes stupid for leaving me) I would definitely not give in and do everything she wanted like before, but I wouldn't be mean or anything. I treated her really nice and sometimes she was a total b**** to me, but then she would get out of that and be really nice. She used to care a lot about me, and I just wanna fix what went wrong. Even if it can be done by NC. I love her and she means a lot to me, but I can't let her string me along while she eventually gets annoyed and just finds someone else. I mean I didn't even like her that much in the beginning, it was all her, but then I grew to love her.

 

 

 

and the NC makes it harder for the guy? or what I didn't quite understand that last thing about the NC.

[nathan339]

Thanks a lot for your responses also, they've been helping me realize what i need to do:cool:

[heartoutside]

I was in the exact same situation. When we first hooked up, I was just hooking up, then a month later or so she slipped and said I love you, but I was still not really into her.....4 years later, I was a week away from asking her to marry me before she broke up with me!

 

I also think a good chunk of the reason she left me was because we got way too comfortable. That is one of the many things I've learned from this whole thing, but it's kind of sad at the same time. The reason i got comfortable was because I didn't feel like I had to prove anything to her because I knew (or thought I knew) that she wanted to be with me and marry me. So I stopped going out so much, and doing things with my buddies. I guess in hindsight, I wouldn't want that either, but it's not something you run away from you talk about it first......she didn't want too..if she simply said we need to spice things up, we're not going out enough.....problem solved....

[nathan339]

Exactly. We did everything together, and I would leave my friends house to go hang out with her. I felt like she would never leave me because in the beginning she was so into me and up until the last week or so she still was. I would have asked her to marry me at some point I swear. I agree if my girlfriend would just talk to me instead of giving everything up, i'm sure she would have realized she didn't really want to break up. I always asked her stuff like, what don't you like, what do you like when I do? And for a while I got good reactions and she wasn't fighting the topic, and would tell me without being mean or trying to pick a fight. Then later I would ask the same thing and she would try to avoid the subject and disagree with the things I said. I would do anything to have her back the way she was but I know thats not going to happen, at least not now. The good news is one of my best friends is her cousin and they're very close, and he always puts the good word in and says shes an idiot for breaking it off, indirectly of course because I never told him to say those things. I just got too comfortable and I figured she loved me enough, so I didn't have anything to prove. I now realize that if I wanted to keep her, I should have done constant maintenance. Which I would be prepared to do if she ever decided she would be with me again. She's too stubborn to talk about it now, and I know its just because she feels guilty, as all girls do I suppose. Even if I do tell her we can't be friends, theres always way of contact because I'm close with her family members since before I even knew her. Even if it is way later down the road. I just wish I knew more about relationships before I let this one slip away.

[Timberlane]

The friendship will continue to be painful, should you pursue one, as long as you both are single. Only when you meet someone else will it be tolerable. That much I can tell you with much certainty.

[nathan339]

Yeah for sure, thats why I wanted to let her know I can't just be her friend, and she wants me back later down the road we can figure things out, but I can't just be friends.