AlwaysLost Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 I have been dating a guy for 6-7 weeks, we have had great times together but we had a small tiff over the weekend and he said we probably needed to have a heart to heart conversation. I was really busy over the weekend and we didnt get to see each other. Last night I called to say hi and he asked if i wanted to do dinner tonight. I said yes, but I am a little worried its more than dinner. Do you think a guy would ask you to dinner to break up with you?
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 He may, or he may not. I'm not sure outside of just point blank asking him how you would know for sure either way.
sunshinegirl Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 I was dumped over dinner a few years ago. It SUCKED. And he waited until the end of the meal to do it, too, so I was on pins and needles the whole evening. I tried to ask him the day-of (over email) if it would be an upsetting meal - I had a weird premonition that he was going to dump me, and he demurred and didn't give a direct answer. I suppose in his mind he wanted to do the 'right thing' and break up with me in person instead of over email. It didn't feel like the right thing, however, him doing it in person and me being embarrassed about crying in public. Anyway, I'm sorry for the anxiety you're experiencing right now, not knowing what's going to happen tonight. I know that feeling EXACTLY. Best wishes.
Author AlwaysLost Posted October 16, 2007 Author Posted October 16, 2007 I am not on pins and needles and my gut says we are just having dinner but I guess you never know. But thanks for the kind thoughts and words.
JamesM Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 Every guy is different, but I confess that I broke up twice on dinner dates. Looking back, I have no clue why except that in my mind it seemed that then we left on better terms. Hindsight is 20/20, so I doubt that this was the feelings of the girls that were "dumped." In his case, it could simply be that he wants to talk. Most guys don't spend the money on dinner and then dump you. Most guys do it via phone, email, etc. I think the "odds" are in your favor that he is not dumping you. Keep us updated.
uniqueone Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 Maybe the guy's not dumping her, but he DID say he needs to have a heart to heart conversation. Now when guys want to have a conversation like that, it's not all that minor. Chances are, they're thought about it for awhile before mentioning they need to discuss things. That doesn't mean it's the end though....it depends on if he's the type of guy who's willing to compromise and work things out.
latefragment Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 always lost - what was the fight about. last I remember, he hadn't scheduled anything with you on friday, right, and he asked you to call him after the gym... so what happened?
Author AlwaysLost Posted October 16, 2007 Author Posted October 16, 2007 The fight was I said I didnt like how he made me feel by saying "i was gonna call u sooner or later" and call me after the gym since i dont have plans. I said i felt hurt that he acted as if I was his last thought and that you only wanted to hang out since u had nothign to do. He responded by saying, "I didnt mean it that way, but did realize how it sounded and i am sorry. I guess we need to have a heart to heart conversation" I said, i think he is sincere and he didnt mean for it to come out that way. We havent spoken about this since, and our conversation last night was very natural and happy go lucky. Either he is gonna talk tonight about A) nothing serious, B) wants to break up or C) we should define our relationship (we have not had any talk about exclusivity or anything). Any thoughts?
shadowplay Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 In his case, it could simply be that he wants to talk. Most guys don't spend the money on dinner and then dump you. Most guys do it via phone, email, etc. Isn't it worse to not do it in person, though? It's a cowardly way out. I would prefer a guy was decent enough to tell me face to face. Doing it over dinner seems a bit brutal, though...as if they're scared were they to do it in private you'd break down. I think the ideal would be a semi-private, neutral setting like some tucked away outdoor place.
Author AlwaysLost Posted October 16, 2007 Author Posted October 16, 2007 Just talked to him and he suggested the dog park then dinner, I could be off but I dont think he would plan a whole evening jsut to end it. Am i right?
jcster Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 Unless you want to be an absolute mess until then, I really suggest you convince yourself that it's just dinner and a talk about personal preferences/boundaries or somesuch - anything else is going to make you miserable.
Kamille Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 Just talked to him and he suggested the dog park then dinner, I could be off but I dont think he would plan a whole evening jsut to end it. Am i right? I think you're right. Now you are free to stop worrying about it. Have fun on your date!
oppath Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 My ex hung out with me for 6 hours when she knew she was going to end it. At the end of those 6 hours, I initiated sex. She said "don't you want to go to dinner?" "No, I want to make love to you." "We need to talk." After she broke up with me, she STILL wanted to go to dinner. I don't think a guy will do that. A guy will lie and pretend everything is fine, but he won't go to a park, and then to dinner, and THEN break up with you. We're not wired that way. Even the cowards among us, when we decide to break up with someone, we typically do it when we walk in the door (though not always). If anything, I'd say the conversation will clarify the relationship. For example, he does see your point, that how he acted puts you on the back burner. However, since you are not bf/gf, perhaps he doesn't feel like he has bf responsibilities. Since you aren't exclusive, you can't expect him to hold his weekends open for you, or something along those lines. Now, if you have agreed "we'll see each other this weekend" then absolutely, he needs to follow through in advance rather than have you waiting around. But otherwise, if you aren't exclusive, he's not obligated to make plans with you. I'm sure things will be fine. Look at it this way: his behavior hurt you, and you told him "this is what I expect." That is healthy. You stood up for yourself which shows you have high self esteem, at least regarding what you deserve. I'd say your tiff was a healthy thing! It can only lead to a better relationship, as you'll filter him out, or you will become closer. Good luck.
Timberlane Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 I was dumped over dinner a few years ago. It SUCKED. And he waited until the end of the meal to do it, too, so I was on pins and needles the whole evening. That happened to me once, too! So irritating! I mean, I would have been happy to get dumped over the phone. As it was, I drove from Denver to fecking Boulder, ate a nice dinner, had nice conversation, and then I look over at her and she's making these uncomfortable faces. I knew right away what was next. "You're not breaking up with me, are you?" "Wellllll." I was so pissed. I left immediately and tried to meet up with my friends who were elsewhere and I was unable to join because of the dinner plans!!!!111 And she thought she was doing me a favor by doing this in person. Puh-lease! The sooner I can stop looking at you, the better. So use the phone next time.
oppath Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 And she thought she was doing me a favor by doing this in person. Puh-lease! The sooner I can stop looking at you, the better. So use the phone next time. Well, she was doing you a favor by doing it in person, but she should have broken up with you before dinner. I personally would love it for a woman to call me when she was on her way to my house and say "there is something we need to discuss when I get there." This will prepare me emotionally and allow me to ask questions when she arrives, and I expect her to break up with me as soon as she walks in the door. Everyone is different of course, because breakups plain suck. But it is confusing when someone hangs out with you for hours and THEN dumps you. WTF?!?! Face-to-Face, YES! But do it as soon as you see that person. Don't be a coward. Don't do it in public, unless you fear a violent reaction, in which case make it a private yet public place, like a park. When people say "it's so hard for me too, which is why I didn't dump you earlier" they mean "I didn't want to risk hurting your feelings, because you might become angry and say something to me that can hurt my feelings, so I therefore delayed it and sprung it on you after acting like everything was fine for hours, so you would be in shock, and you couldn't say something to hurt me." But to the OP: having a conversation does not mean having the breakup conversation. Important things shouldn't be discussed over email or IM, or even the phone if you have a chance to do it face-to-face. Any number of things could be going on. A breakup is not the most likely. I'd say 40% exclusive, 10% breakup, 20% keep the status quo but discuss boundaries and expectations, and 30% other. Point is, you really don't know, and I would expect something positive. Again YOU STOOD UP FOR YOURSELF and communciated your boundaries. And you are dating a guy who LIKES TO DISCUSS PROBLEMS face-to-face. Sounds like a great guy.
johan Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 I love the headline on this thread: "Is he breaking up with me or is it just dinner?" I imagined the following being said: "Sweetheart, I thought you were dumping me, but it turned out to just be a bad case of gas." Oh, and the answer is no: no breakup over dinner. Who would want to sit through a meal like that. I'd just say, "can I come over"?
Timberlane Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 I should mention that the girl and I had gone out on two dates, so there was no need for a break-up dinner or a face-to-face.
shadowplay Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 What I find most interesting is that so many people seem to dumped unexpectedly. I mean what kind of relationship are you in where the communication is so poor that you don't know whether your partner will break up with you at any moment.
oppath Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 What I find most interesting is that so many people seem to dumped unexpectedly. I mean what kind of relationship are you in where the communication is so poor that you don't know whether your partner will break up with you at any moment. Well, often there is a minor tiff, and you talk things out, so you think things are fine. I mean, people will hang out with you acting warm and affectionate only to dump you later that day. It does happen. It takes two people to communicate. If the other person pretends everything is fine when it is not, it will be unexpected. People lie, cheat, etc all the time in relationships, and the other person doesn't suspect a thing. In my case, I said "I feel you are acting distant, not like your usual self. Has anything happened to you and is everything ok?" She reassured me it was, and when she came over, she was WARM, AFFECTIONATE, putting her arm around me, flirting with me, asking me for kisses. But she knew she was going to break up with me later that day. I thought she bought my lunch and paid for the aquarium to make it up to me, taking responsibility for her acting distant the previous week. I mean, this girl would say "I can't find this fish" at the aquarium. "If you can find it for me, I'll give you a kiss." Yet...she knew she was going to break up with me later that day. Again, after she dumped me, she STILL wanted to take me to dinner. WTF?!? Most guys will do it as soon as they walk in the door. They'll say "we need to talk, this isn't working. I don't feel we are right for each other." I don't know any guy who would schedule a dinner date to break up. They'd just say -- like Johan said -- I'm coming over.
shadowplay Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 Well, often there is a minor tiff, and you talk things out, so you think things are fine. I mean, people will hang out with you acting warm and affectionate only to dump you later that day. It does happen. It takes two people to communicate. If the other person pretends everything is fine when it is not, it will be unexpected. People lie, cheat, etc all the time in relationships, and the other person doesn't suspect a thing. In my case, I said "I feel you are acting distant, not like your usual self. Has anything happened to you and is everything ok?" She reassured me it was, and when she came over, she was WARM, AFFECTIONATE, putting her arm around me, flirting with me, asking me for kisses. But she knew she was going to break up with me later that day. I thought she bought my lunch and paid for the aquarium to make it up to me, taking responsibility for her acting distant the previous week. I mean, this girl would say "I can't find this fish" at the aquarium. "If you can find it for me, I'll give you a kiss." Yet...she knew she was going to break up with me later that day. Again, after she dumped me, she STILL wanted to take me to dinner. WTF?!? I find that so disturbing. I hope nobody ever does that to me. The thing is you did detect the distance so you had some inkling at least that something was wrong. When somebody is acting distant and they do a switch after I mention it...I never trust it. I stay on guard until a long time has elapsed and they've kept up the non-distant behavior. It seems impossible for me to imagine a situation where somebody I thought was completely honest and decent was totally playing me. Wouldn't somebody have to be an insanely good actor to pull this off? I mean they would have to lie about everything, down to the little, seemingly unrelated details of their personality and life because those details would be consistent with somebody who cheats. I'm wondering if the people who get played are just willfully blind, ignoring glaring red flags. I'm pretty good at reading people and detecting fakery. Well...I hope I never have to eat my own words.
uniqueone Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 That happened to me once, too! So irritating! I mean, I would have been happy to get dumped over the phone. As it was, I drove from Denver to fecking Boulder, ate a nice dinner, had nice conversation, and then I look over at her and she's making these uncomfortable faces. I knew right away what was next. "You're not breaking up with me, are you?" "Wellllll." I was so pissed. I left immediately and tried to meet up with my friends who were elsewhere and I was unable to join because of the dinner plans!!!!111 And she thought she was doing me a favor by doing this in person. Puh-lease! The sooner I can stop looking at you, the better. So use the phone next time. But people also complain when the person doesn't break up with them in person and uses the phone. No matter what, it seems that whichever way it's done isn't the right way.
shadowplay Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 But people also complain when the person doesn't break up with them in person and uses the phone. No matter what, it seems that whichever way it's done isn't the right way. The best way, imo, is to tell the person the minute you start to have serious doubts about the relationship...wherever you are. That way they're prepared. But do the formal break up in person.
uniqueone Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 The best way, imo, is to tell the person the minute you start to have serious doubts about the relationship...wherever you are. That way they're prepared. But do the formal break up in person. Oh people never do that though. They think "hmmm...but what if I break up with them and make the wrong decision...." or "what if I break up with them and can't find someone else...." or "what if I break up with them and have to go without sex...." Oftentimes people have serious doubts for quite some time before the actual breakup happens. That's why it seems so easy for the dumper. Because for THEM, they've had plenty of time to process it all because it had been a long time in the making for them. ETA: of course some dumpers are just cold and callous people and it'd be easy for them no matter what.
Author AlwaysLost Posted October 17, 2007 Author Posted October 17, 2007 Well we went to the dog park, dinner and a walk on the beach. We get back to my house and I think ok we are gonna talk, make out, something - BUT - the dog pee'd on him and he left! I feel terrible, but he took it in stride, asked for a kiss goodnight and said, we willl see each other tomorrow. So either things are fine, or he is breaking up with me tonight as last night he really needed to go home. UHHHHH, gotta make you chuckle though
marlena Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 I mean what kind of relationship are you in where the communication is so poor that you don't know whether your partner will break up with you at any moment. Good point, indeed!!!
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