Freaking out

[spookie]

Things have been going really well with the guy I'm dating (A from my previous story). We spent a good deal of time together last week, and then the entire weekend with the exception of Sunday night.

 

My best friend of 4 years is eccentric and sort of anti-social. On Sunday, he decided he wanted to have a midnight feast. He bought all the ingredients (a chicken, potatoes, green beans, etc.) and I went over to his place to help him cook. He asked me to invite A, whom he had met, briefly, on two occasions.

 

So I called A. He said he was busy the next day with a job interview and an exam, but that he would love to come.

 

After I hung up, my best friend asked me to call him again and tell him to bring parsley.

 

I thought it was a ridiculous request, but it isn't my dinner party, I was simply relaying info, so I called A again and told him what my friend said.

 

A said he was busy and didn't want to drive to the store and isn't parsley a garnish?

 

My friend said he couldn't come unless he brought it. That it was a matter of principle and he wasn't feeding someone who came empty-handed. They talked on the phone, then I got back on and A told me he wasn't coming.

 

I wished him goodnight and good luck tomorrow.

 

He called back 10 minutes later, to tell me he wasn't mad at me or anything. I told him I knew, I understood, not to worry and that I wasn't upset or anything, either.

 

That was the last I heard from him, and I'm freaking out. Usually he calls every day. Usually I spend Monday nights at his place.

 

I know I just spent an entire week with him, and it's ok for him not to call one night. I know how busy he was today - on top of the job interview and the exam, he has a lab due tomorrow that he hasn't started. He is likely still working on it right now. But still, it's a change in the pattern, and I'm freaking out.

 

And it's hard for me to control my thinking from spiraling into "I don't deserve this person," which is what I've been feeling all night. He is smart, successful, really cute, funny, charming... and I am failing at life and more than a little crazy on top of all my baggage.

 

Someone please tell me not to worry.

[sb129]

Your friend may be eccentric, but to me that behaviour is rude and unacceptable. Too many "eccentric" people get away with behaving antisocially because they have been labelled "eccentric", and its a convenient excuse for them.

 

Who cares about freaking parsley that much?

Especially since it was his idea to invite A, and his idea to have the feast.

If I invite someone to dinner, I don't expect them to bring anything, most people bring a bottle of wine, but your dinner was impromptu.

 

A had a job interview and an exam the next day! He was probably getting ready for those before he came over to see you.

 

The fact that he wanted to see you while he was so busy is a great sign for you I think. Pity your friend is so rude!

[Krytie TV]

I disagree. Though I may not have acted as your friend did in demanding the parsley, I do believe in the principle and if I was guy A I would feel compelled to do that if I could. I believe in always contrbuting. Over the top, yes. But I respect that kind of thinking.

 

Otherwise spook, it's been one freakin day. Relax. This'll be an issue on Wednesday if it maintains. He told you he had an INTERVIEW and EXAMS. People have lives outside of relationships sometimes.

[spookie]

I agree that my friend was unacceptably rude. But, I've accepted this about him, and while I can see why other people wouldn't want to associate with him, he's never pulled this kind of thing on ME (and I have reason to believe he never will) so friends we remain. He's a GREAT friend to me actually. But that's not the point... the point is, I didn't feel like I could have taken A's side last night and invited him over to a party that wasn't mine, and now I'm afraid he thinks I'm rude and crazy too. It was a lose-lose situation for me, there was simply no action I could have taken that would have been "right". I should have communicated better than I did, but I was so uncomfortable being in the middle that I didn't know what to say. And now I'm afraid it's too late.

 

What should I do? Wait for him to call? Give him a ring tomorrow and apologize? Or is it not my place to?

[sb129]

OK Krytie, I see your point, and yes, most people would turn up to a dinner party with something, me included.

 

However to UN-invite someone because they are busy (with legitimate excuses, exams and interviews) is very rude.

 

If you have that much of an issue with it, don't invite them in the first place.

Or say- next time do you mind bringing the wine, or "so, when are you cooking dinner for me?"

 

Un-inviting someone for not bringing parsley (hardly an integral part of any meal) is rude, and I assume the friend knows the situation between Spookie and A. If i was the friend i would be feeling bad for potentially causing problems.

 

If your friend is that great a pal to you, he should have made allowances for your fledgling R just this once, BUT if A is worth his mettle, this incident shouldn't have bothered him, but don't expect him and your friend to become bosom buddies overnight.

[sb129]

Did your friend see how much this upset you?

[spookie]

OK Krytie, I see your point, and yes, most people would turn up to a dinner party with something, me included.

 

However to UN-invite someone because they are busy (with legitimate excuses, exams and interviews) is very rude.

 

If you have that much of an issue with it, don't invite them in the first place.

Or say- next time do you mind bringing the wine, or "so, when are you cooking dinner for me?"

 

Un-inviting someone for not bringing parsley (hardly an integral part of any meal) is rude, and I assume the friend knows the situation between Spookie and A. If i was the friend i would be feeling bad for potentially causing problems.

 

If your friend is that great a pal to you, he should have made allowances for your fledgling R just this once, BUT if A is worth his mettle, this incident shouldn't have bothered him, but don't expect him and your friend to become bosom buddies overnight.

 

I'm totally with you on all this, I thought it was rude too but the point is, it wasn't MY dinner party, nor my food, nor was I cooking it, so I didn't feel I had any power over my friend's actions regarding A.

 

My friend is definitely "that great" a pal toward me, and he makes tons of allowances for me (such as providing me with groceries and rides to and from work while I am broke) but his allowances do not extend to other people that I am close to. As I said before, he's antisocial and possibly sociopathic.

 

But anyway, the point of this thread is not to argue whether or not he was rude (he was) but whether I should worry that A will take my friend's rudeness as enough of a red flag to drop me.

[spookie]

Did your friend see how much this upset you?

 

 

Friend continued to insist that it was A who was being rude. He said that if A was too busy to swing by the store to pick something up, he shouldn't have agreed to come to a dinner party in the first place.

 

It would be hard to make him see how much this upsets me because he is opposed to this relationship in the first place. He's incredibly protective of me and has already informed me that he doesn't think much of A, based on their limited interaction (he doesn't think much of most people, and his relationship with my bf's tends to resemble the one in Meet the Parents).

 

And for the record, it wasn't that A un-invited him per se. He just made it very clear unless A was willing to supply a garnish to the dish, he wasn't going to be welcome. Equally rude I suppose, but less explicit.

[sb129]

If he does, then that says more about him that it does about you.

 

Spookie, don't worry I don't think he will- he has been really busy as you say, and he seems to want to see you despite that.

 

Give him a call to see how his interview and exam went.

[jophil28]

Your "best friend" of 4 years is a hostile devious mindf*cker , He set you up. THis game is called the "wedge maneuver " . His objective was to undermine your relationship with A by creating a no win situation for A.

 

If A acted like a good little boy and obediently went to the store and turned up with a bunch of limp parsley he looks like a weak obedient chump. If A refused ,he comes off as petty and childishly defiant.

 

Your "friend" B knew that demanding that a guest not come empty handed is out of line and he knew that A would object and he also knew that A would then come off looking like a party pooper.

This guy is no real "'friend " . His behavior is not manly . It reminds me of what baitchy envious women do when their closest girlfriend gets herself a boyfriend.

Your priority is A and your loyalty is to A . Intimate relationship come ahead of these so-called friendships - dump your ' best male girlfriend '

SHe is a baitch .

[jophil28]

....because he (B) is opposed to this relationship in the first place. He's incredibly protective of me and has already informed me that he doesn't think much of A.

 

These are yoiur own words - and compelling evidence that my post above is what this is all about. You are going to have to choose one or the other. However if you break up with A over this, then B will pull this same kind of stunt again with the next "A"..

 

Jophil out.

[Krytie TV]

But anyway, the point of this thread is not to argue whether or not he was rude (he was) but whether I should worry that A will take my friend's rudeness as enough of a red flag to drop me.

 

These are the things that you need to let develop on their own. You can't control it so you only drain yourself obsessing about it. Also, nothing we say here will affect A's decision, so what's to be gained by this?

[jophil28]

Did your friend see how much this upset you?

 

Are you serious - that was his objective !

[spookie]

These are the things that you need to let develop on their own. You can't control it so you only drain yourself obsessing about it. Also, nothing we say here will affect A's decision, so what's to be gained by this?

 

Peace of mind? I guess I wanted someone to tell me that I shouldn't worry and that what happened was DEFINITELY not enough to alter the course of the relationship. But you're right, I need to stop obsessing about things over which I have no control.

[spookie]

Your "best friend" of 4 years is a hostile devious mindf*cker , He set you up. THis game is called the "wedge maneuver " . His objective was to undermine your relationship with A by creating a no win situation for A.

 

If A acted like a good little boy and obediently went to the store and turned up with a bunch of limp parsley he looks like a weak obedient chump. If A refused ,he comes off as petty and childishly defiant.

 

Your "friend" B knew that demanding that a guest not come empty handed is out of line and he knew that A would object and he also knew that A would then come off looking like a party pooper.

This guy is no real "'friend " . His behavior is not manly . It reminds me of what baitchy envious women do when their closest girlfriend gets herself a boyfriend.

Your priority is A and your loyalty is to A . Intimate relationship come ahead of these so-called friendships - dump your ' best male girlfriend '

SHe is a baitch .

 

I'm not gonna dump my best male girlfriend. I agree that he has issues, but he's been with me through thick and thin and in the last four years has been the one person in my life I could count on for ANYTHING (except making my other friends feel comfortable). Bf's came and went, family members came and went, but he stuck with me.

 

I did think my loyalty lay with my last bf (whom I thought I was going to marry) over this friend, but then the ex (very cruelly) broke my heart. My friend was there to listen for hours, get me drunk, and bring me soup and ice cream, and after that I decided I believed in the whole chicks before dicks, bros before hos thing. At this point in my one-month "relationship" I would say my loyalty is solidly with the friend, and rightly so.

[Krytie TV]

Peace of mind? I guess I wanted someone to tell me that I shouldn't worry and that what happened was DEFINITELY not enough to alter the course of the relationship. But you're right, I need to stop obsessing about things over which I have no control.

 

No one here could possibly tell you with any certainty how A will react. I would really recommend that you find other things to dedicate your time to Spookie. I can only assume that you throw yourself fully into relationships based on your post history. Isn't there anything you could spend your time on or other people you could interact with? You really need to work on building some independence. A healthy dose of "I don't care" can be a great thing too.

[spookie]

No one here could possibly tell you with any certainty how A will react. I would really recommend that you find other things to dedicate your time to Spookie. I can only assume that you throw yourself fully into relationships based on your post history. Isn't there anything you could spend your time on or other people you could interact with? You really need to work on building some independence. A healthy dose of "I don't care" can be a great thing too.

 

How right you are.

 

Today was a slow day for me so I took the time to obsess.

 

Luckily tomorrow I have class 9 - 11, work 1-9, and then a test to study for.

 

I am not *quite* as idle as my post history would indicate. I actually am busy with (many) other friends, a couple of other hobbies, and school/ work obligations.

 

It just so happens that obsessing is my fave hobby. So any time I have left over I spend doing that.

 

I need to stop, I know.

[jophil28]

I'm not gonna dump my best male girlfriend. I agree that he has issues, but he's been with me through thick and thin and in the last four years has been the one person in my life I could count on for ANYTHING (except making my other friends feel comfortable). Bf's came and went, family members came and went, but he stuck with me.

 

I did think my loyalty lay with my last bf (whom I thought I was going to marry) over this friend, but then the ex (very cruelly) broke my heart. My friend was there to listen for hours, get me drunk, and bring me soup and ice cream, and after that I decided I believed in the whole chicks before dicks, bros before hos thing. At this point in my one-month "relationship" I would say my loyalty is solidly with the friend, and rightly so.

 

Your Male girfriend is your worst enemy because "she" thinks that

"she "owns you.

If your loyalty stays with your sob-sister, you will lose another boyfriend.(A)

"A" is pissed because he knows he was ambushed by B ( however men will rarely admit to a new G/f that they are angry - we just bail.) You got yourself a real problem, girlfriend, and your biggest mistake was teaming up with a social misfit who offered comfort in return for ownership of you

- except that he did not tell you that was the deal.

 

I will say it again- ultimately you are going to have to choose here because this 'bell tower dweller' will always try to sabotage your intimate relationships. Good friends do not do that . A GOOD friend is one who is supportive of your new relationship and a GOOD friend will celebrate your joy and excitement and not try to wreck your happiness.

[sb129]

Friend continued to insist that it was A who was being rude. He said that if A was too busy to swing by the store to pick something up, he shouldn't have agreed to come to a dinner party in the first place.

 

It would be hard to make him see how much this upsets me because he is opposed to this relationship in the first place. He's incredibly protective of me and has already informed me that he doesn't think much of A, based on their limited interaction (he doesn't think much of most people, and his relationship with my bf's tends to resemble the one in Meet the Parents).

 

And for the record, it wasn't that A un-invited him per se. He just made it very clear unless A was willing to supply a garnish to the dish, he wasn't going to be welcome. Equally rude I suppose, but less explicit.

 

I missed this post.

 

Why is your friend opposed to something that makes you happy?

Why is your friend SO over-protective of you? You are a big girl, you can make your own decisions/ choices/ mistakes.

 

Is your friend in love with you?

 

I think he sounds manipulative, as Jophil says.

 

However, I also agree with Krytie when he says an "I don't care" attitude would be helpful here.

 

I think you should take future "invites" from your friend with a grain of salt, and perhaps develop a little independence from him so he isn't so overprotective of you....

[Timberlane]

Your friend may be eccentric, but to me that behaviour is rude and unacceptable. Too many "eccentric" people get away with behaving antisocially because they have been labelled "eccentric", and its a convenient excuse for them.

 

Ditto.

 

Here's a thought, Spookie. Your friend is a jackass. Best to keep jackass friends insulated from your new man. He will definitely appreciate it. I know I sure as Hell would.

[spookie]

Still no call =(. He *could* still be busy... Tuesdays are rough for him. But he also *could* have called.

 

I'm going to start disinvesting myself.

[Replicant]

From what you've probably read many times on here, if someone is interested in another. They make the time to keep in touch regardless of how busy they are.

[spookie]

And he called. Woohoo!

 

I was in the shower so I missed it. He sounded tired in the voicemail but gave me a pretty lengthy update. Said he was in a class, then playing a football game, which they won, and that he's having beers tonight with his friend. The same one I had the slumber party with, who subsequently unfriended me on facebook. (still wonder what that's all about).

 

ANyway... I love how masculine he is.

 

I'm still gonna try to disinvest at least a little, but I guess everything's ok for now, unless there's something going on with me and the friend that *I* don't know about and I've messed up again.

[jophil28]

Still no call =(. He *could* still be busy... Tuesdays are rough for him. But he also *could* have called.

 

I'm going to start disinvesting myself.

 

You would be better off talking to A and trying to rescue this relationship with him.. He is pissed because he knew he was ambushed and he feels pissed with you ( he wont admit that ).

[oppath]

You would be better off talking to A and trying to rescue this relationship with him.. He is pissed because he knew he was ambushed and he feels pissed with you ( he wont admit that ).

 

I agree in that you need to show A, especially after B, that your friend, or no guy, is going to cause hastle in your developing relationship. Basically, that means telling A that your friend is an idiot, and you apologize for his rude behavior. The whole situation is ridiculous? A garnish? I've thrown dinner parties, and while I want people to bring something, I'm only going to ask if I've invited LOTS of people in advance. I'd never invite someone last minute -- my friends new bf for example -- and demand he pick something up from the store. That is idiotic. You should have told your friend "that's stupid" because it is. This isn't the case of inviting 10 people over and telling some people "you bring some buns; you bring some chips; I'll supply all the beef." If I were making pasta for 2-3 people, and I invited someone last minute, I wouldn't expect them to bring anything, especially if I hardly knew them. If I hardly knew them, they'd be a guest.