izzylicious Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 I have been dating a man for 14 months now. He is intelligent and very successful in his career, and overall treats me well. He spent his younger years developing his career: at 34, I was his second girlfriend and first sex partner. He is on anti-depressants and has been for years. We see each other twice a week and rarely talk on the phone, but email a number of times throughout the week. I am also busy with grad school and work, and am independent, but I wonder if this is enough time together to build closeness. He is rarely (every few months) interested in sex now (we used to be much more active), he says it is not important to him and that I knew that when I started dating him because he was a virgin--I think this is related to the anti-depressants. He ignores me when I make advances, which is hurtful, but he is wonderfully affectionate, enjoys cuddling and holding hands. Also, he has never said he loves me, but assures me he wants to continue the relationship and treats me kindly and is always there for me when I need him. Sometimes he does make jokes when I try to talk about intimate things with him though, but if I make it clear that something is important to me her will talk about it. Lastly, and the biggest issue for me is that he made many plans when he was younger for things he wants to do by himself, like travel for months or years at a time. He continues to make plans including things I could never be a part of, like travelling around on a motorcycle, when he has told me that he doesn't think I would be good at motorcycle riding. He has made changes in his life to accomodate me, such as working less to make time for me. I'm not sure, but I think I want to adopt children, while he recently told me he doesn't want children, he claims I misunderstood him in our conversation on that subject in the past (I thought he was undecided as well, and it was something we could decide together in the future). I asked him if he wants me in his future and he just says he doesn't know what the future holds, but he enjoys my company now and we have fun together. Since he said that, I don't feel like putting the effort into building a relationship or talking about the other problems I mentioned, I feel I have given up hope. I also have withdrawn and am not as affectionate. I don't know if I am expecting too much of a relationship, or if this is just a hopeless relationship. I had the idea to suggest that we return to a casual dating relationship in which we could see other people, but my friends say that spells uncertain ruin. I feel like even though we are in a committed relationship and have a lot of fun together and no strife, it is hollow. He is so genuinely good to me in so many ways, but sometimes I feel like he is just stringing me along til he is ready to go on his bachelor adventures. Any advice?
norajane Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 Weeelll, my first guess is he's never going to go on those bachelor adventures. Taking years off to go motorcycle riding when he's been on anti-depressants for ages? Depressed people don't do that kind of stuff - that takes a person who is willing to accept change and uncertainty and able to take risks. Your bf sounds pretty set in his ways... However, even if he doesn't go on his adventures, that doesn't mean he's going to commit to you, because that also requires change and risk and someone who wants to be married. And even if he did want to commit to a marriage with you, you should be asking yourself if you really want to commit to a man who doesn't want much sex and who doesn't want any children since those are both very important to you. I'm sorry that it might not be what you want to hear, but I just don't see this working out.
Author izzylicious Posted October 17, 2007 Author Posted October 17, 2007 Thanks! I appreciate your perspective. I haven't been in many long term relationships, and my BF is especially different than anyone I've dated so I find myself unsure of what constitutes a "deal breaker." I believe in his ability to follow through on his dreams because he is capable and has accomplished so much already, and support him 100%. But you are definitely right that I need to decide what's important to me. I know there aren't any perfect men or perfect relationships out there, and that I have to be willing to give up some of my fantasies and learn to forgive some downfalls, I am just not clear where to draw the line. It would be easier for me if I knew for sure if I do or do not want children. Do you think it's a red flag that he hasn't said he loves me after a year? By the way, we talked about the sex issue last night and he is going to try some things for his health that may help his sex drive
norajane Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 Yes, I do think it's a red flag that he hasn't said I love you. A year is plenty of time to know how he feels about you. Have you said it to him? Do you really love him?
Pentula77 Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 Some people have psychological issues about sex (inner beliefs that take time to change). for example he could've grown up in a family where sex was taboo so this is what he learnt early on...
Author izzylicious Posted October 23, 2007 Author Posted October 23, 2007 Nora--thanks for the honest response-I do love him and I told him once, but he has never said it to me. I've just assumed he will say it when he's ready. I feel I should say now that I am not very good at expressing my feelings, and in the past the men I have been in relationships with have been the ones to initiate those types of conversations. Pentula--He admitted to me a few days ago that he's been having stomach problems for a while now which affect him so he doesn't feel like getting physical, but is going to try some remedies for it. In the past we have been extremely open and honest about sex, so I don't think he has any hangups. I spent this week thinking about what I want... He has so many wonderful qualities that are highly important to me, but are hard to find in one person, like integrity, honesty, good sense of humor, intelligence, ability to commit, trustworthiness and dependability. In a relationship, I want someone I love and who loves me in return; someone I trust and trusts me in return; someone with whom I share a mutual attraction; someone I can commit to and can commit to me; a shared openness; and to be able to say that I don't know exactly what my future holds, but I hope that he will be in it--and I want him to be able to say the same in return. We have the trust, commitment and openness, but the others are shaky. Am I being reasonable to expect to have all of these things, or am I living in a fantasy land? Doesn't true love take a long time to develop, especially for men? Part of what keeps me hanging on is that I have noticed in most failed relationships how so much emphasis is placed on love, while trust and commitment are what really seem more necessary to weather the storms. I am starting to feel as though I'm selling myself short, but I'm not ready to give up complete hope. Would it be wrong to suggest dating other people? Better to stop dating completely?
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