TheLostOne Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 Around 5 years ago I started to develop feelings for my best friend's sister. Over the years as I spent more and more time with her my feelings for her grew stronger, and as of right now I feel as though I genuinely love her; I care about her more than anything else in my life. A couple months ago I decided I would tell her that I've had feelings for her, and I still don't know what I was hoping to accomplish by telling her. Despite me being a friend of her older brother she and I became good friends as well, and I'd say I built a good level of trust with her. She would tell me things when she needed someone to talk to, and that was really nice. Well, after I told her how I felt she freaked out or something, and just mumbled a few things. After that she refused to talk to me, and went out of her way to ignore me. I kept trying to talk to her and finally she snapped and started yelling at me, and called me a "f***-up". Now I'm completely lost, and I don't know what to do. I can't live with things the way they are now, I want her to talk to me again, I want to have normal relationship with her again. I'm just so depressed all the time now, I get depressed when I think about her, I get depressed when I don't think about her, and I have no one to talk to about it. I just want someone to help me, someone to give me some advice, anything really. I don't know who to turn to, so I figured this place would be better than nothing. Thanks for reading either way.
Saxis Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 Oh man, I can totally relate to your situation, except I did the opposite. I never told my best friend's sister (let's just call her BFS) how I felt. I always had a suspicion that we both felt the same way about each other, and her family was always trying to put us together. Eventually I went on to date my XW, and when my BlFS met her, she flipped. She was quite rude to her, and did some pretty inappropriate things (like trying to sit on my lap and stuff). The XW and I eventually decided to just completely shut her out of our lives. My XW knew that I had feelings for her at one time so she was really jealous most of the time too. Just a bad situation... Anyway, just be thankful that you got your feeling out!!! Now that the wife and I are divorcing, I really regret that I never told her how I felt. Now we've both moved on, and I'm contemplating contacting my BFS again. She has a boyfriend that she's living with, but I still cannot deny that she was also a very good friend. You did the right thing. It's better than never knowing..... In time you will both get over this and hopefully build a friendship again.
norajane Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 I think you may have made her uncomfortable when you told her how you felt about her. And then she tried to avoid you in the hopes that this would die away. But when you kept pursuing her to talk to her, then she snapped and just wanted you to go away because she didn't return your feelings and yours made her uncomfortable: you were a friend, someone she trusted and suddenly you turned into a guy who was after more than friendship...that can feel a little creepy if a girl isn't thinking of you as a potential love interest. It's too much emotion, too much wanting, too much all of a sudden - you're asking too much of a girl when you lay 5 years of unrequited love in her lap. This is something I caution guys about often...don't just suddenly declare your feelings to a girl because that almost never goes well. Ideally, it's better to FLIRT for a while until you get a sense for how she's responding to the flirtation. Then, if she's smiling back and looking into your eyes and flirting with you too, you can ask her out on a date. If she doesn't flirt back, she's not interested at all, and you can still be friends without creating awkwardness and embarrassment and weirdness. At this point, there's not much you can do but back off. If you try to talk to her, she's only going to get more upset. I know you miss your friendship, but if you're truly not a "f*ck up", she'll probably regret her words and regret hurting your feelings, and eventually, you two may be able to start talking again in the future. But for now, don't let it get to you, and don't act like your whole world has crumbled. Hey, you gave it a shot and missed, not a big deal. At least you gave it a shot, and that's not the worst thing: you miss 100% of the shots you don't take. Live your life, do the things you used to do, go to the gym, hang out with your friends, don't sit around depressed and only thinking about her. That will make it far worse in your mind than it really is.
Author TheLostOne Posted October 16, 2007 Author Posted October 16, 2007 This is something I caution guys about often...don't just suddenly declare your feelings to a girl because that almost never goes well. When I did it I wasn't thinking clearly, I knew it was a bad idea going in, but I had gone 2 days without food or sleep (don't ask, long story, spiritual cleansing and what have you) and everything just sorta meshed together, I don't remember it all that clearly. But I was hanging out with my best friend, and there she was with her perfect smile, me without food or sleep for over 48 hours, and my friend gave me his encouragement, so I just did it. At this point, there's not much you can do but back off. If you try to talk to her, she's only going to get more upset. I know you miss your friendship, but if you're truly not a "f*ck up", she'll probably regret her words and regret hurting your feelings, and eventually, you two may be able to start talking again in the future. But for now, don't let it get to you, and don't act like your whole world has crumbled. Hey, you gave it a shot and missed, not a big deal. At least you gave it a shot, and that's not the worst thing: you miss 100% of the shots you don't take. Live your life, do the things you used to do, go to the gym, hang out with your friends, don't sit around depressed and only thinking about her. That will make it far worse in your mind than it really is. Believe me, I have tried. I've done everything I can possibly think of to get my mind off her, I've gone day by day normally, just trying, but I always start thinking about her. To me, she is the Yin to my Yang, she embodies every quality I would ever want in another person, just being around her brings me a calm happiness unlike any I have ever experienced. I appreciate your advice though, and I will continue to try to live normally. Hopefully something will give at some point soon.
Magnatolia Posted October 19, 2007 Posted October 19, 2007 Doesn't her brother, your best friend, have some insight? Maybe you can get him to tell her you just want to go back to being friends? Like the other poster wrote, she possibly saw the friendship as a ploy to get her to like you. And when you kept pushing you lost it.
Phateless Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 Bro, you have to just move on. 5 YEARS before you told her? Did you date anyone else in the meantime??? That's not normal... You have to meet other people.
touchedbyfire Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 When I did it I wasn't thinking clearly, I knew it was a bad idea going in, but I had gone 2 days without food or sleep (don't ask, long story, spiritual cleansing and what have you) and everything just sorta meshed together, I don't remember it all that clearly. But I was hanging out with my best friend, and there she was with her perfect smile, me without food or sleep for over 48 hours, and my friend gave me his encouragement, so I just did it. Believe me, I have tried. I've done everything I can possibly think of to get my mind off her, I've gone day by day normally, just trying, but I always start thinking about her. To me, she is the Yin to my Yang, she embodies every quality I would ever want in another person, just being around her brings me a calm happiness unlike any I have ever experienced. I appreciate your advice though, and I will continue to try to live normally. Hopefully something will give at some point soon. I can totally sympathize - the same thing happened to me recently. But I gave her the space and time she asked for. It's been over two months now and I still haven't heard from her. It's entirely possible I'll never hear from her again. It was only a few weeks ago that I became okay with this possibility. I did my best, I was honest about my feelings, and I did nothing whatsoever to hurt her. If she doesn't want to be friends with me anymore, there's really not much I can do about that. I do recommend not contacting her at all. Not only for her to cool down, but for you to calm your emotions and to get over her. It may not feel like you can get over her, but trust me, you can.
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