sao2 Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 Not over her, but I don't think I want her back either. It is sort of a weird place to be. I have met a couple of girls I think are interested in me but I am not at all close to ready. I miss her terribly and I want nothing more than for her to say she misses me, she made a mistake, and that she wants to try again. Yet when I imagine that happening I ask myself "what next?". What would I really do if she did want to try again? Would I allow her back? Would I make it so difficult for her that she would try for a bit and then give up? I am in some ways thankful that I don't have to deal with that situation. There is so much resentment that I don't think it would be easy to rebuild whatever it was that her and I had. Right now I don't want her back, I just wish I didn't care at all anymore. I am moving forward. Thanks for listening.
Sanslatete Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 I'm right with you sao2, you just described my life. I love my ex, love her beyond words, but she betrayed me and made me resent her. The way she treated me after the break up didn't do my self-esteem any good either so I have a dislike for who she became too. I dream of it all going back together again, the way is was. But after all the lies and deceit, it would be hard, if not impossible to rebuild it. I'm no way near over her, I can't look at other women without comparing them to her still, so she's got a long way to go before she's out my system, which is a bummer. I want her back for my heart, but equally don't for my head. I want to feel indifference for her but I loved her so deeply, I'm not going to hold my breath. I'm better than I was a month ago, but a long way to go before I'm out the woods. She'll never know the harm she caused me, and the saddest thing is, she probably doesn't care.
carrotgirl Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 Will listen any time Sao. Funny how the lack of extreme pain and confusion doesn't seem quite normal either after a while huh? Are you really so full of resentment? Were you always or did it grow over time? Carrot
Crestfallen_KH Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 I'm in the same boat. My STBXH fell for someone in two weeks and said he wanted a divorce. Boom, that was it. And 3 weeks of counseling and trying to work on the marriage did nothing but waste time because he white knuckled it all the way through. As soon as I moved out of the house, he moved in with her and now they have been together for about a 1.5 months. In the beginning I really, really wanted him back, so I did my best not to get angry, cry or grill him about her. I wanted to be someone that he would WANT to come back to. And now, I have so many regrets. He's clearly not coming back and he has no idea how hurt and angry I am. He doesn't know how painful the infidelity has been and probably thinks I'm actually just fine since I've never expressed my anger, hurt or sadness to him. It just seems so incredibly unfair. It's very hard. I am over him, but not. I also imagine him coming back and what I would say. I think I would say to him "Go back home to your girlfriend, <husband>. She just simply needs you more than I do." But knowing that I can't yet say that for sure definitely makes me feel so very weak.
Sanslatete Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 Don't feel weak Crestfallen, I'm very much the same. I got really badly treated by my ex, but I tried to be 'Mr. Nice guy', 'Mr. Understanding', and never really blew my stack at her. She's totally oblivious of the despair I've been through, the hurt and humiliation I've endured, the counselling I've done or the tears I've sobbed. I've never really gone 'all out' and told her straight what it's been like for me. She's off doing her thing with the prick she dumped me for and I got left to get on with it. I'm a dead man walking and just 'get by' on a day to day level. I don't enjoy anything any more and my life is the pits. So, no, I'm not over her, I love the woman I remember her being when we were together, but that woman wouldn't have stuck the knife in my back like the woman she became. It's a confusing, nightmarish place to be. I want my memories back but the woman I made them with may as well be dead.
Author sao2 Posted October 17, 2007 Author Posted October 17, 2007 Not so much resentment really. I mean her situation was difficult and I didn't help. But the fact of the matter is that when it came time to step up and actually put forth effort she folded. That is the real source of resentment, she had feeling enough to not want to let me go, but not enough feelings to actually be with me either. This may also be why your situation strikes a chord with me. In your thread carrot, when I asked you if you could take a pill that would make the hurt go away and he would be gone, I realized that yes, if I had the choice I would take that pill. I would rather have her out of my mind and my heart forever if it meant that this pain and emptiness would go away. I'll be ok, I have been heartbroken before and chances are I will fall in love again. I still sit here hoping she comes back to me, but then I do have that thought of "what next". What would I really do if she came back? I hope that one day I can provide an answer to that question.
Author sao2 Posted October 17, 2007 Author Posted October 17, 2007 You don't sound weak to me Crestfallen, in fact you sound quite strong. It takes a strong spirit to look your fears and insecurities in the face and not flinch.
carrotgirl Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 In your thread carrot, when I asked you if you could take a pill that would make the hurt go away and he would be gone, I realized that yes, if I had the choice I would take that pill. I would rather have her out of my mind and my heart forever if it meant that this pain and emptiness would go away. I had to think about that question Sao. I really did. And it took incredible self restraint not to start calling you Morpheus. I'd rather have the pain and the thrills and the anger and the rest because it's real. Today I got a good look at the ex's a$$ in pants. I hadn't treated myself to a good, long look in a month. I thought to myself, has his a$$ always been this big? I wouldn't trade that a$$ or that a$$. And I resent him too. I resent every good feeling he has when I'm utterly forlorn. I even resent his breathing. So you said the resentment thing and I thought at least I'm not alone in that. Carrot
Crestfallen_KH Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 Thanks for the kind words, guys. I definitely don't feel strong, but I'm doing what I can do to get on with my life. It's a weird shift, but I'm doing good things for myself and starting to look forward to what I get being a single person, rather than looking at what's "missing." I just really, really don't want to become bitter because of this - that would just give him all of my power and he's already stripped a lot from me, although I'm determined to get those things back (e.g., trust, ability to love, etc.). I can completely relate to the resentment. I read a good quote about it, though, which helps me realize just what it is that I'm doing when I hang on to it. "Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die." -- Malachy McCourt
heartoutside Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 I find it interesting that many of use who were dumped are seeing a totally different person after the break up. I've been through some break ups, but never like this. Never a commited relationship that was so close to marriage. And if you were to tell me 5 months ago that my ex would be treating me like this, I would never have believed a word. What makes them turn into different people after a break up? As if night and day! I still can't believe how she's treated me, esp these past few weeks. Sanslatete, I totally feel your pain, not 4 days ago my ex told me that I could be so mean sometimes. Man did I want to just tell her off right then and there and really give her MEAN! It's crazy and makes this whole situation even more confusing.
Crestfallen_KH Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 That has been one of my biggest struggles too. My husband was one of the most logical, intelligent people I knew. Which probably explains why his emotional brain is so small. Logically, you don't just throw away a marriage for someone you've known for two weeks. Two weeks! And some of the things they say. One of the reasons I married him was that he was so sensitive and sweet. Well, after he told me he wanted the divorce, he later said to me that night: "Yeah, I bet you are kind of curious to get out there and test out your market value too, aren't you?" Unbelievable. He's like a stranger to me now.
carrotgirl Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 Heart, This is where I fall down. I'm not seeing a different personality with regard to me. If anything, my ex has remained remarkably even in attitude and temperament to me. And unbeknown to me until this week, he's the same about me to others. Never talks me down. Ever. Carrot
Author sao2 Posted October 19, 2007 Author Posted October 19, 2007 Today I realized that I don't love her anymore. I am looking for new job and I am excited about looking for a job while having no emotional ties to anyone. I have never done that before and I have had 3 major moves in my adult life(one with each major gf in mind). I applied for a job in an exotic location where it would be impossible for us to have a reconciliation. I found myself thinking "what if she came back", my answer was, "I hope I get the job more than I hope she comes back". This is one job among other similar jobs in locations where a reconciliation would be possible. Anyways by my understanding of what love is, which includes being willing and ready to make sacrifices in order to be together, I no longer love her. I still wish her the best in her life and I hope she is happy, but I am ready to move forward. Just thought I would share. Maybe the best way to move on is to be selfish for a bit. It is working for me.
Crestfallen_KH Posted October 19, 2007 Posted October 19, 2007 That is awesome, Sao! That's one of the great things about ending a relationship - the chance to re-evaluate your life. I've definitely fantasized about joining the Peace Corps or doing something more meaningful with my life. But just the chance to go away to an exotic location (like you might have) and experience a new location and a new culture and a new environment - that sounds awesome! I'm really happy for you and am crossing my fingers. Good luck - let us know how it turns out.
heartoutside Posted October 19, 2007 Posted October 19, 2007 Carrout I'm not saying my ex talks ill about me to others. I'm sure she doesn't even talk about me to theres, infact I know she doesn't. She may talk alittle about me to her roomate but that is about it. The way she seems to be out of character is doing things like taking 2 months to move out, getting pissed off at me for going to south america, and then what happened to me last week. One night she's sending a text saying she wants to sleep next to me, 3 days later she's calling me on the phone and telling me I can be such a mean person, and then 2 days after that announces via myspace and facebook that she's in a relationship. I don't know if she's upset at me because all our mutual friends (at least most of them) are hanging out with me more, or if she's just having issues. It doesn't matter now, her behavior is just odd, like a switch had been flipped. It was suggested to me that she may have a hormone or thyroid issue (thus the odd swings in behavior). But hell if I know! As for the Peace Corps. I vote for that....it will change your life there is no doubt about that, but I would make that decision on a clear head. Don't do it because you need to get away because sometimes peace corps can be even more emotionally draining then a break up!
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