marsbars Posted October 16, 2007 Share Posted October 16, 2007 I know that the title is ambiguous. So here is the back story. Wife separated from me, things got ugly as all hell. Divorce paper filed and pending a settlement. Custody battle. Then she gets some therapy for her self, and she is reconsidering. We are now seeing a MC once a week. We are on our second visit tomorrow. I have yet to see my therapist yet, couldn't get an appointment. So to the point now. We have been talking every night just about, and the conversations have gotten better each and every time. But she has stated that she still isn't sure if this is what she or I want. She has a lot of doubts, and I don't blame her at all. But in my mind if she didn't want things to work, why would we be doing this song and dance? I told her that I wouldn't stand in her way except where it comes to our daughter. That was not negotiable. And in this situation I have to stick my already shattered heart out in the open in order for this to work. I know that I am risking a lot, but to me it is worth it. 1/2 of our problems are money and the other 1/2 is we forgot how to communicate. I figure that if we are both willing to work our asses off equally , that we can patch things up and make our relationship stronger. It is just that part of me, the paranoid side, fears that she is not being honest in her actions. I guess that I am just being silly. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted October 16, 2007 Share Posted October 16, 2007 I would say that you are. A normal person doesn't go from that type of hatred and resentment to wanting to work it out in that short a time and if they do they have some issues and it will be this type of back and forth for the entire marriage. Many women pretend to want to work it out in order to bide some time and find a better way to screw a guy in the divorce and she might be doing with you playing hardball as far as custody goes. I would not believe a word she says. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marsbars Posted October 16, 2007 Author Share Posted October 16, 2007 She doesn't have any choice in the custody/ visitation as the courts have already decided that issue. She doesn't have any leverage in that area. As far as screwing me, there isn't anything to fight over. Our debts cancel our assets so the only thing that she gains is being on her own. She lost the one thing that she wanted exclusively. The court is making her share our child. I will just have to be as cautious as I can. There isn't much left of my heart, and I am getting used to the bachelor life with a child. So not much left to lose other than her. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted October 16, 2007 Share Posted October 16, 2007 From what I've heard, when MC is initiated by the woman there's a chance for the marriage. If it's the man who makes the call then it's over. Who called the MC? Link to post Share on other sites
Author marsbars Posted October 16, 2007 Author Share Posted October 16, 2007 I asked for it when she walked out but she actually initiated it. I am also going to get some idividual therapy myself. Our therapist said that only about 5% of men willingly get therapy, most just say on with the divorce. I think that her pretty picture of how things would go is not as pretty as she wanted. Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted October 16, 2007 Share Posted October 16, 2007 From what I've heard, when MC is initiated by the woman there's a chance for the marriage. If it's the man who makes the call then it's over. Who called the MC? I'll vouch for that. Only IME it was a RC. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted October 16, 2007 Share Posted October 16, 2007 What you need to do is make a list of what was so great about being married to her and also a list of what wasn't so great. Weigh it out. The one thing that did it for me in sealing the coffin of my marriage was when I realized I breathed easier away from him than I did when I was near him. How is it now for you? Do you feel suffocated by the thought of losing her? Or do you breathe better? Link to post Share on other sites
Author marsbars Posted October 16, 2007 Author Share Posted October 16, 2007 I feel dead inside at the thought of her not with me. I tried to get used to her not being around. Nothing I did made the ache go away. Just the sound of her voice makes it all better. But it is her ship to steer as far as I am concerned. She has learned a lot in her therapy and that may be fueling her. She felt suffocated with me in her past mental state. But with therapy and some Prozac she is seeing a lot of things in a different light. I too am medicated now and seeing things in a different light. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted October 16, 2007 Share Posted October 16, 2007 Then I think you should stick with the MC and not question why she's doing what she's doing. Maybe it isn't so much that it's not turning out the way she wanted but maybe it's more that being away from you has showed her what you mean to her too. In MC you should address these fears you have with her. That's how you get to the heart of the matter. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marsbars Posted October 16, 2007 Author Share Posted October 16, 2007 I am along for the ride so to speak. She wants to control this exercise right now. Like a typical male I want to charge right in and dominate the situation. And that is not the thing to do here. However challenging her motives would appear defensive, negative to her. And that is an issue that she has with me. Link to post Share on other sites
bestadvisor Posted October 16, 2007 Share Posted October 16, 2007 I feel dead inside at the thought of her not with me. I tried to get used to her not being around. Nothing I did made the ache go away. Just the sound of her voice makes it all better. Tell her that if you have not already done so. If you have, tell her again to remind her and ensure her that you will change and things will not be the same as before, but better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marsbars Posted October 16, 2007 Author Share Posted October 16, 2007 Tell her that if you have not already done so. If you have, tell her again to remind her and ensure her that you will change and things will not be the same as before, but better. I have let her know how I feel. But she is leery that I will regress, like before. But to be fair she never expressed to me how my behaviors and habits hurt her. So not knowing the problem makes it hard to change things. Now I have the sight, so I know where to work. Link to post Share on other sites
bestadvisor Posted October 16, 2007 Share Posted October 16, 2007 I have let her know how I feel. But she is leery that I will regress, like before. But to be fair she never expressed to me how my behaviors and habits hurt her. So not knowing the problem makes it hard to change things. Now I have the sight, so I know where to work. You have said that a big part of your marriage problem came from bad communication. Letting her know how your feel may be different from stating this: "I feel dead inside at the thought of her not with me. I tried to get used to her not being around. Nothing I did made the ache go away. Just the sound of her voice makes it all better." If you know how to where to work, tell her that too. If you have problem communicating exactly how you feel verbally, I suggest you put it down on paper to include the quotes above and add more and add how you're going to change and make it sincere and straight from your heart. Do it now, sleep on it, revised it and make it better tomorrow before sending or giving it to her. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted October 16, 2007 Share Posted October 16, 2007 I don't know how long you two have been married but you guys have been doing it this long so a few more months won't make a difference if it doesn't work out. I would just be open and honest but don't try to be something you're not to please her. This is a tough situation really because you're both on meds. I think that's a really bad way to go about trying to work on your marriage. Neither of you are clear-headed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marsbars Posted October 16, 2007 Author Share Posted October 16, 2007 I know where I need to work on things but not sure yet how to work on them. But that will be where the MC and IC come in. I have also been reading a lot of books on relationships and interpersonal relations. I will have to be like a recovering addict, and actively work on it for the rest of my life. I have been working on a mantra to recite every day.Something to remind me of my faults. So they don't get worse. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marsbars Posted October 16, 2007 Author Share Posted October 16, 2007 We have been married for 12 years. The meds have been needed for a long time for both of us. Life has been pushing the both of us deeper into depression. Link to post Share on other sites
bestadvisor Posted October 16, 2007 Share Posted October 16, 2007 What about my suggestion of putting your feelings and true desire to change to make things better on paper? Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted October 16, 2007 Share Posted October 16, 2007 Never tell a woman that you are dead without her. Be an independent and confident man without her and show her what she is considering giving up. Women want you more when they know you can live without them. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted October 16, 2007 Share Posted October 16, 2007 Never tell a woman that you are dead without her. Be an independent and confident man without her and show her what she is considering giving up. Women want you more when they know you can live without them. Women like to be appreciated, same as anybody else. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted October 16, 2007 Share Posted October 16, 2007 Women like to be appreciated, same as anybody else. Sure women do but a man should never give up his dignity and self respect. A woman has to respect a man for attraction to last. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted October 16, 2007 Share Posted October 16, 2007 Sure women do but a man should never give up his dignity and self respect. A woman has to respect a man for attraction to last. I agree he shouldn't make it sound like he's lost without her but by simply saying "I'm sad without you" isn't going to make him lose his dignity. Then he's just being honest. And honesty is respectable. Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted October 16, 2007 Share Posted October 16, 2007 I agree he shouldn't make it sound like he's lost without her but by simply saying "I'm sad without you" isn't going to make him lose his dignity. Then he's just being honest. And honesty is respectable. Exactly. Big difference between "I'm dead without you" and "I'm sad without you". Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted October 16, 2007 Share Posted October 16, 2007 A man shoudn't even tell a woman he is sad without her. The best thing to say is that you are disappointed in how things have turned out but you will get over it. Never give a woman power over your life like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted October 16, 2007 Share Posted October 16, 2007 A man shoudn't even tell a woman he is sad without her. The best thing to say is that you are disappointed in how things have turned out but you will get over it. Never give a woman power over your life like that. There is nothing wrong with that. That shows that he misses her and that he cares. Closing up your feelings and emotions will get you no where. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marsbars Posted October 16, 2007 Author Share Posted October 16, 2007 Not dead without you, but feeling dead inside without you. Same as sad without you. I have shown her how strong I can be with my resolve with our daughter. I have shown her how hard I can work at something. Link to post Share on other sites
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