todd Posted May 1, 2003 Posted May 1, 2003 this girl told me that when she was younger her saying was "i will do it cause i WANT to not cause i HAVE to". she said she was always being bossed around by her sisters and brothers and always ran away from hom. then she told me that she was with this guy who held her in her house for hours through the night drunk and with the power out and had the pilot out in the gas oven and stood over it with matches, and she literally begged for him to stop this and hit him over the head with a board in an attempt to flee. she also said that he made her "break" meaning that she had to give in to literally kiss his ass to save her own. now that was several years ago and she is over all of that but she is left with this attitude even more so that no man is "going to break me". i don't quite understand what she means by this except that she will not let no man control her ever again but she says she has been this way since she was so young and had to fend for herself all the time and felt no one in her family ever stood up for her the way she needed them to. she is so sensitive and sincere and i love her dearly, but i dont understand this attitude of her, she is almost rebellious all the time. what would one make of such a statement?
Carly Posted May 2, 2003 Posted May 2, 2003 You are wondering why your girlfriend has problems, but I think you already know the answer: they stem from the cruelty and abuse that she endured. I think what you really want to know is, what would it take to get her beyond her past, and to get rid of her belligerent attitiude toward life. There is an old joke: Q. How many shrinks does it take to change a lightbulb? A. One. But that lightbulb as really got to want o change. As much as you want your girlfriend to change, it is really up to her. If she does, however, decide to work on her problems, her chances for improvement are very good. As you describe her, she has compassion and sympathy (er, I guess when when she is not being so difficult). As well, people have endured much worse forms of abuse and come out of it unscathed or even stronger for it. Inorder for your girlfriend to improve, three things must be accomplished by her: 1. She must make a profound and personal commitment to change. 2. She must find and accept something meaningful from her past hardship. Some victims of abuse claim that they have come out of it as better people, because only now they can understand other people's pain. Or some people turn their misfortune into a new cause to direct their energy toward. In my hometown, a woman lost her young daugther to a school bus accident. She ended up donating the daughter's organs to save the lives of others, and has started an extremely successful charity to support organ donation. Your girlfriend need not do anything so invloved. She merely needs to say that, thanks to the hardship she endured, she is now a better person because [she will have to fill in the blanks herself] 3. The final hurdle is to break her habits of negative thinking and belligerent behavior. That won't be easy, but a good cognitive-behavioral therapist will help. As soon as she sees that her new ways bring more joy to herself and to those around her, then she should be motivated to maintain her momentum to change. Change won' be easy, but it is within her reach. That is, only if she really wants to change.
Tony T Posted May 2, 2003 Posted May 2, 2003 Her attitude is quite consistent with all she has experienced. Read your own post and give it some thought. I mean, you answered your own post. You couldn't have done a better job of explaining exactly why she is the way she is. She has been traumatized by events in her past and it may take a very long time and even some serious counselling to aid in her healing. Are you really serious about not knowing why she has this attitude??? Oh, come on!!!
todd Posted May 2, 2003 Posted May 2, 2003 tony, i guess i am not being to clear on what i am asking. her attitude is "i will only do it if i want to, and not because i have to or because you ask me to". that is what i am trying to figger out here. i totally understand what she has been through, and i agree with carly that she has to want to change as well but i don't think she sees this as a problem and i don't see it as a real problem either but only a nuisance. she will do something i ask her to do but with a "no" first then she thinks about it then says "yes", but reluctantly so, but then may feel guilty about her attitude and try to be happy about doing it. she is not what i would really call selfish but maybe too into her self to not think of others as much as i think she should. she does not seem to want to help others and does not seem to want help from others as well so that can make her appear selfish. i don't understand her, but i understand she has been through her own private hell, as we all have at some point in our lives. i don't knw if i can do anything for her as carly says she wont change unless she wants to. i see so many posts on here with others telling others to get over it and pull yourself up by your boot straps, be thank ful for what you have now and yada yada yada, but i can't tell her that she is too sensitve and i would come off like a jerk. she is so sensitive that sometimes i am afraid to say things to her that may be suggestive tohelp her unless i get good and angry about something then i can go off on her but then she gives me the silent treatment and makes me feel so bad that i apologize to her then she apologizes back too. i know this is complicated, well at least it is to me. i hope this additional input will help.
Tony T Posted May 3, 2003 Posted May 3, 2003 Again, she has been through extreme trauma and that's why she is the way she is. When she either heals on her own and gets a lot of counselling, chances are she may be different. But right now you'll have to accept her for what she is, which is a result of some very difficult abuse she has been through. Finding out why will be the job of a professional psychotherapist. Anything short of saying it's a result of the extreme abuse she has sustained is pure speculation.
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