Sanslatete Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 My final thoughs of the day are always with her, as are my first in the morning. I loved her beyond words, I loved everything about her and doubt whether I'll find anyone like her again. I thought we were peas in a pod, there were so many similarities and things in common. I've never loved anyone so completely, so unconditionally and I lost my heart to her, totally. It feels like she took it with her when she went because I have no emotion in me. I lost my soulmate, my kindred spirit, the one who knew me best of all in the world and I'm left with nothing (it feels like) now. Was it just that I became too dependant on her or was it something else? I'm left with a big space where she was and nothing else fits. I just don't feel like the same person without her. I want/need to get over her, but it feels like an impossible task. Is there any way through this....other than 'time'?
Chinook Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 If I had a dollar (or actually a UK pound) for every single post where I sincerely wish I could help in any way to make the pain easier, I'd be hugely rich by now. But unfortunately, the only way to get over someone you were so close to, is YOUR way... and you don't know how that will pan out until you live it and breathe it. It's very hard to offer advice which is more than the usual and it's hard to accept advice which isn't just a list of 'do's and don'ts'. It's hard to work out how you feel in relation to where the advice might be helpful. But also, it's healthy that you recognise that you have a need, a desire, a want to be free, not from her, but from the pain of losing her. Let me tell you something my friend, you will never lose her. The way you guys were, the way things happened, the way she walked and smiled, talked and laughed... no one can take those things away from you now. It's simply a matter of dealing with losing her actual physical presence in life, she already shared what she had with you. You already shared those moments. Don't lament that there won't be more, what has passed is already enough. It doesn't feel like it now, but it will... in time. What is happening now to you is part of the grieving process, the loss is keenly felt and you will gradually work through it in your own time and space. Inside you, you will have the memories to look back... not with pain, but with fondness and with love. Even when there does come a day when there is someone else, your love for her will still be there... locked in the time that you shared, and always there for you to look back on. Half the key I think is to remember that everything changes... nothing ever stays the same, not even people. Sometimes, people change and we don't see it coming. Sometimes, things change and we fall out of place with where things are and how things are happening. But always we have the chance to hold on to what once was and can be again. Maybe not with her... because love isn't about the other person, it's about you. If you have loved and lost so keenly... you will love again. You can't not. That's just how it is. I don't think you were dependent on her at all. Just grieving now unfortunately. One thing I would say is, be mindful of putting her on a pedestal. She wasn't a godess and she wasn't a mythical being. She had frailties and short-comings and things changed. Don't lose yourself in her perfect ideal because the perfect ideal doesn't exist... look back with realism and sensitivity for yourself. Be kind to yourself and take time to realise that as special as she was, you were (are) too.
Author Sanslatete Posted October 16, 2007 Author Posted October 16, 2007 Thanks chinook, I appreciate your words, truly. I don't have her on a pedestal any longer (see my other posts), she hurt me very deeply and there is resentment....a lot of it. It's silly, but it was my first 'real' love and that's going to take a lot of getting over. I am trying...damned hard, but my heart still loves the woman I knew, unfortunately, she isn't her any more. Thanks again chinook xx.
Chinook Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 my heart still loves the woman I knew, unfortunately, she isn't her any more. Yeah... that part sucks a lot. It took me a long time to get to grips with that thing. But I think, once the head has got it and it's crystallised inside, it gets easier. Sometimes, it takes a little backwards and forwardsing about the believing it, then it falls in to place. Believe it or not... from what you're writing here this evening, it looks like you're doing okay. Not great by any stretch of the imagination because it doesn't feel great... but what's happening to you is pretty normal. I've seen a few of my loveshack friends go through similar (Funky, Marty, Simon and myself).
Jmina Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 When we say time heals, it really isnt the time that heals your wound. That is kind of obsurd to suggest it really. I mean when you have a cut do you give it a dose of time to heal it and nothing more to make it better? or is it the process of scabbing, scaring/healing that does the job? while it is trying to heal if you continue to pick at it it will scar... if you let the cut scab it will eventually shrivel up and drop off leaving you with only the memory. Its the same with our healing from the loss of a dear ex. It is important to sit through and ride the emotions you get. that is the best way to deal with it and that is what TAKES TIME but the time is just a symptom of healing, not a cure. If you stay in the "woe is me" stage that is picking at the scab. if you stay bitter that is also picking at the scab and will leave you with unbalanced feelings such as resentment and bitterness. (which are known to cause cancer in some people if they spend their lives in these feelings, by not dealing with their pain!) If you ride it out, cry your heart out, punch pillows, the wiser person knows that this is essential in the healing process and you will come out of it much better than if you didnt. to get through it instead of thinking about how great she is, how wonderful she is and what wonderful things she must be doing for herself and how happy she might be now without you, and listen cause this is the correct answer: you have think about yourself and what you like doing. yeah you got it, think about yourself. what makes you happy (other than her, because obviously she makes you miserable now) find what you enjoy to do and then do it. focus on your job, on your family, on your pet, do what you have to do to put one step in front of the other. *keep busy with friends, activites, anything you enjoy. *stay in touch with your feelings, write them down, cry etc *remember the good times you had together but leave them at that *keep your heart open, if you start to become bitter (which you will and is normal) remember that we all do what we have to do, and for some reason it wasnt right for her to stay with you. have you had good friends that all of a sudden kind of dissapeard? beacause both of you became busy or took different paths? and neither of you tried to keep up the friendship in that time? it might have lasted for a few months, a year or more. then somehow have they found they way back into your life? it has happened to me with a few friends and now i realise that if it is meant to be then it can and will happen with my ex also. we were together, now we are not, and we wont know each other for a long time, but there is still opportunity for her to come back in some way or another, just like everybody else. If you can understand this, you can remember it and use it to desolve those panicky feelings, and gripping worry that you will never see your 'soul mate' again. The fact is that right now,it is very likely that she doesnt feel that you are her soul mate. she might take a few years and realise that you had something great and come back as a friend or more but by then if you keep your heart open, and move forward by concentrating on you, you would have moved on and will either be happy to be just friends, or you will still have a clean slate with no bitter, resenting baggage feelings because you desolve them in your healing time with much wiser knowledge that it all happens for a reason. you mentioned that you dont have her on a pedistal anymore. that is great. but im not sure if you are aware of this or not but you do have the memories of her on a pedistal, you have girl you used to go out with still up there. im sure you have acknowledged that she did leave you, and and has put you through a lot of pain, she called you her soul mate, and said she was in love wiht you but then she left you, she is actually just like everybody else, but you see the special part to her and that is what you have to balance out. there is nothing wrong with realising what a wonderful person your ex is, but remember they are just like everybody else and dont need to be looked at as any better or any worse than anyone else. It's like we see our ex's as our own little 'celebrities' or the memory of what our ex used to be like. its hard for some to look at your favourite celebrity as just a normal person, who has faults, who hold bad feelings towards others, who can be cowardly and run from things, or bitter and put a wall up to certain people. but they do, and so do our ex's. I too lost my soul mate, and i too have an endless love for her, i will always love her, and i iwill love her from afar this is the stage that i have come to after gripping pain, feeling that you cannot breath because of your loss, anger, bitterness, frustration, sadness -SADNESS, but i came through it by remembering these important things *if it was meant to be she will be back ***i noticed how big my own heart was from how much i loved her. i knew what i was capable of in terms of loving someone. i noticed that not many people attribute this, and i made a conciencious decision to keep it that way. big and hopeful and loving instead of closing it with bitter angry and resentful thoughts and feelings. not to say i didnt feel them, but i always came through them with= *writing everything down when i was at my worst times. it gave me direction and hope, or at the very least it stopped some of the chatter so i could sleep. *forgive. she did her very best with me and during the breakup just like i did. if she had a better awareness and knowledge then she would have acted differently. (and we had a very messy break-up) *forgive myself. i also did the best i could do in the relationship and the breakup. I hope i helped someone. Keep posting. Jmina oh and i'd like to add that i didnt do all of this in a few weeks. try almost 6 months. and i still have some letting go to do. but at least i'm not an angry and bitter person about it! what an undesirable trait to have!
Crestfallen_KH Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 My advice is to stop buying into this notion of "soulmates." There are so many people out there in the world that you could feel connected to, feel happy with and make a life with. This idea that there is only one person out there who could be a true "soulmate" really sells YOU short. You're not so intricate or complex that only one person out there can truly understand and enhance you. The reality is that there are lots of people out there who can complement you and who you can build a life with. She was just simply someone who worked for the "you" that you were. And now she doesn't. I know it sucks, believe me. My husband just moved in with his girlfriend and the idea of finding someone else that I could connect with or be happy with seems impossible right now, but I know that it's not. It's just how I feel right now, and that's normal. I'm mourning a real relationship that meant something, as are you, and as we should. But you won't forever. And by walking through the center of your pain, you'll find that you'll be an even better person who isn't even on her level anymore. Hang in there - it has to get better. I have to believe that!
chocolate_boy Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 To give you the other opinion, I definitely think there is a "soulmate" but that means, one person who you will love more than the others, they may not feel this back for you though, you may just be another partner to them. It depends if she really was your soulmate, or if you're just getting over a girlfriend? I've had about 6 serious girlfriends in my time, but its always my third one I miss and still love. We split up 5 years ago now, I was young and stupid, we were actually engaged and to this day I still love her so much. We both moved on and are now firmly "just friends" she's had two partners since, i've had three, and just split with my most recent one last month. It never really goes away, but it is definitely bearable. If it's just a gilrfriend it will fade you won't care in a few months, but if she was the one, you'll always feel something. I can see my two other ex's i'm in contact with and not feel a thing, they just friends now, but my ex fiance, I can see her and there is definitely still something there deep down, I can tell the way we look at each other, and the way we make each other laugh, and the way I miss her horribly when I see her then have to go away, that can last a week or so then back to my normal self. But I've loved her the same since we split up in 2002, and doubt i'll ever get over her, but it doesn't hurt as such, just a nice feeling that we were once together and happy she was in my life, and maybe a very faint glimmer of hope that one day in the distant future we may eventually get back together, but she's not on my mind everyday or anything now. She actually said to me last time I saw her "i wish we'd gotten together when we were older, we'd have prob stayed together forever". She lives with her new bf of 5 months, after escaping an abusive relationship she got into after us, I think she's amazing, but I'd never risk losing her completely by telling her I still love her 5 years later. I'll probably have to live with it forever, and I can love other people, and have since, but not as strongly as I do her.
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