meditation_girl Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 About 5 years ago, I cheated on my beloved husband. I revealed the thing slowly, and only recently came totally clean. Last week he met with a counselor and started to work on the things that led to our marriage becoming less than stellar. NOTE that I am not excusing my behavior, nor blaming him. Far from it. I'm excited that he is willing to work with me to make our marriage what we both want it to be, an effort I've been involved in alone for the past 5 years. Last week, I was out with a bunch of friends, one of whom is not only my best friend here but also a colleague. I got far, far too drunk, and ended up making a pass at him. It was ugly--i remember crying on his couch that I loved him (which is not true, actually) and then sucking him into a kiss, to which he responded but all while saying NO. Then I left. (Thank goodness if I had to pull something like this it was with a person who would put the stops on it. Could easily have turned into something much, much worse. This would never have happened had I not been drinking heavily.) Now my friend is so furious with me, and for good reason, that I fear our friendship is permanently ruined. He is also friends with my husband and has been my close confidant, and I imagine he is feeling totally betrayed that I crossed a line. He also has a LD girlfriend. (There's a bit more to it than that--he actually got drunk and tried to kiss me a few weeks ago, but we let it pass off as a drunk thing. I did tell my husband about that.). Now I don't know what to tell my husband. I am absolutely willing to tell him what I did, but only if it is in his best interest. Suspect this would crush him right as he's making an effort to grow in our relationship. I also don't know how to proceed with my friend. I've already apologized over text and have told him it's his call when we talk (he's the one who is angry and I don't want to intrude on him any more). For what it's worth, I realize that i have serious problems and am already taking steps. I will not get drunk any more, for starters. This kind of behavior comes from pathetically low self-esteem, and I am working on that, too. There is no chance of this event turning into an affair, emotional or otherwise. At the same time, I clearly am extremely upset by the whole thing and my husband probably on some level knows that it's got to be a bigger deal than what I told him, which is that the friend and I got into an argument. So I guess my question is, what do I do? Tell my husband, or let it be? Would I just be doing it to alleviate my own guilt?? Try to repair my friendship, or assume that it's simply gone?
whichwayisup Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 You have to tell your husband the truth. And, figure out who it is you love. You seem more concerned about your friend, his feelings and what he thinks of you now rather than your own husband. Last week, I was out with a bunch of friends, one of whom is not only my best friend here but also a colleague. I got far, far too drunk, and ended up making a pass at him. It was ugly--i remember crying on his couch that I loved him (which is not true, actually) and then sucking him into a kiss, to which he responded but all while saying NO. You really need to do some soul searching on this one. The drinking is not an excuse, there is something else going on inside you. Take some time to think...And, maybe you need to not have 'men' as close friends. By getting drunk and putting yourself in situations where 'something' could happen, is not a good idea when you're married and in the process already of fixing the marriage from past betrayal. Hang with GIRL friends, not men friends. Forget the friendship, your husband and your marriage is MUCH more important than that guy. Your husband won't be able to trust you with him anyway, so it's best to let that friendship dissolve...
Sal Paradise Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 Now I don't know what to tell my husband. I am absolutely willing to tell him what I did, but only if it is in his best interest. Suspect this would crush him right as he's making an effort to grow in our relationship. I also don't know how to proceed with my friend. I've already apologized over text and have told him it's his call when we talk (he's the one who is angry and I don't want to intrude on him any more). If you were truly worried about his best interest it wouldn't of happened to begin with. This isn't about his best interest, it's about yours. You're scared he will leave you. You don't want to face the consequences of your actions. If you want to do what is in his best interest you will tell him. It isn't your life and you can't dictate what is in his best interest. Don't be selfish. Let him know what you did so he can decide whether or not staying with you at all is in his best interest. Considering you cheated 5 years ago and kissed a friend while drunk all the while attending therapy to fix your marriage, I would say that staying with you isn't in his best interest. You're making a mockery of your marriage and the work he is doing to fix it. Can you honestly say this won't happen again? You seem to lack self control. Alcohol is no excuse, it merely allows us to behave in a manner we would like to behave while sober yet are afriad to do so because of the consequences. Stop making excuses and deal with the mess you have caused. I don't mean to sound harsh but not telling him is more selfish than the act of cheating itself.
RecordProducer Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 I am absolutely willing to tell him what I did, but only if it is in his best interest.For God's sake! What are you, his mother? Do what is in YOUR best interest!
Bryanp Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 You either have a relationship based on honesty and respect or one based on lies and betrayal. Your husband has a right to know and you have a duty to tell him the truth. It is not all about you. Good luck.
Cobra_X30 Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 About 5 years ago, I cheated on my beloved husband. I revealed the thing slowly, and only recently came totally clean. Last week he met with a counselor and started to work on the things that led to our marriage becoming less than stellar. NOTE that I am not excusing my behavior, nor blaming him. Far from it. I'm excited that he is willing to work with me to make our marriage what we both want it to be, an effort I've been involved in alone for the past 5 years. Ok, here is the deal. You need to be straight and honest with your husband, because you took 5 years to come out with the last one... if you dont tell him right away, he will always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. If you are really working on rebuilding your marriage, honesty is the only foundation that is going to work. If you are honest with you husband and he forgives, then the friend will follow as well. Personally, I would be worried with the trend here! I tend to believe that betrayers and backstabbers are the worst kind of people! You dont want to be that kind of person... right?
bestadvisor Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 Two suggestions: 1) Completely get rid off drinking. 2) Get rid of this friend. If he stays with your husband, fine, but he cannot be your friend and never be alone with him without your husband there. What the hell were you doing as a married woman going out drinking with another man.
dbtmarley Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.... sorry. Thomass
Author meditation_girl Posted October 16, 2007 Author Posted October 16, 2007 Wow! Gotta say, I came to the forum hurting, not looking for a pat on the back but also in need of some understanding and compassion....And with the exceptions of Cobra and brynap (thank you both for being blunt not cruel), you guys blow me out of the water with how you assume the worst of me. Yes, duh, I know no more alcohol. And yes, I take full responsibility for getting myself into this situation. But when I wrote I was just so distraught, and you group of folks kind of pushed it over the edge. Is life really that black-and-white for you?? So what gives? I know that anonymity gives people the freedom to take stances they wouldn't do face-to-face. Is it that? I also get the sense that many of you have been hurt by infidelity, are bitter about it (as you have a right to be) and are expressing it by asserting strong opinions without a hint of compassion. You need not post your flames to me--I won't be back to read it anyway--but please, take a humble look at how you are treating others who come to this forum in pain.
whichwayisup Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 You have to tell your husband the truth. And, figure out who it is you love. You seem more concerned about your friend, his feelings and what he thinks of you now rather than your own husband. You really need to do some soul searching on this one. The drinking is not an excuse, there is something else going on inside you. Take some time to think...And, maybe you need to not have 'men' as close friends. By getting drunk and putting yourself in situations where 'something' could happen, is not a good idea when you're married and in the process already of fixing the marriage from past betrayal. Hang with GIRL friends, not men friends. Forget the friendship, your husband and your marriage is MUCH more important than that guy. Your husband won't be able to trust you with him anyway, so it's best to let that friendship dissolve... I've re-read my reply to you, and honestly, I don't think I was rude at all. Harsh? Yes. But it is only because you need to figure out your priorities. Tough love goes a long way so I hope one day you'll come back and re-read some of the replies you've received and be able to really 'read' them and keep an open mind. Good luck though, I hope you do the right thing.
LittleLady Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 You told your best friend that you loved him. Are you sure not even an ounce of you meant that?? Sounds like a divorce is in order if you can't stop fooling around when you GET THE CHANCE with other men.
Sal Paradise Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 And yes, I take full responsibility for getting myself into this situation. But when I wrote I was just so distraught, and you group of folks kind of pushed it over the edge. Is life really that black-and-white for you?? So what gives? You can't take full responsibility until you accept the consequences of your actions. You can't do that until you tell your husband what happened. That's what gives. You don't justify your actions by trying to convince yourself that it is in his best interest for you not to tell him. That's bs and if you were being honest with yourself you would admit that. It's not in his best interest it's in your best interest. An honest wife would be in his best interest so unless you're going to act like one don't talk about his best interest. Call it what it is "How do I get myself out of this mess without my husband finding out because I'm scared he will leave me". Furthermore, you don't have the right to decide for him that not knowing the truth is in his best interest. It's not about what's black and white, its about right and wrong. Lying to your partner about infidelity, cheating or however you want to label it is wrong. You're never justified to do so. No one here needs to take a humble look at themselves but you sure could use a reality check because you're certainly not facing reality. If you were you would of told him already.
RecordProducer Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 Sounds like a divorce is in order if you can't stop fooling around when you GET THE CHANCE with other men.LL, did you divorce your husband when you got the chance to get pregnant? If you're for real, are you still pregnant?
dbtmarley Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 Wow! Gotta say, I came to the forum hurting, not looking for a pat on the back but also in need of some understanding and compassion....And with the exceptions of Cobra and brynap (thank you both for being blunt not cruel), you guys blow me out of the water with how you assume the worst of me. Yes, duh, I know no more alcohol. And yes, I take full responsibility for getting myself into this situation. But when I wrote I was just so distraught, and you group of folks kind of pushed it over the edge. Is life really that black-and-white for you?? So what gives? I know that anonymity gives people the freedom to take stances they wouldn't do face-to-face. Is it that? I also get the sense that many of you have been hurt by infidelity, are bitter about it (as you have a right to be) and are expressing it by asserting strong opinions without a hint of compassion. You need not post your flames to me--I won't be back to read it anyway--but please, take a humble look at how you are treating others who come to this forum in pain. Meditation, Seeing life in black and white? Anonymity? One question, are you serious? This reply and the one before is not an attempt to flame bait you in any way. You're getting advice from an online forum from people of all walks of life. Some of us have been cheated on and some of us have cheated.. patting you on the back would just be ignoring the issues you are going through. If your husband found out it would be far worse than my "I threw up in my mouth a little bit" statement. Girl, this man is out working on fixing your marriage and you are not putting in the same effort. Doing things to sabotage/under mind his confidence (what little he has) behind his back is not cool. I think you know this. If you want the hug and the good girl bit then you should tell your father the story, but it is my guess as he is giving you that hug he will be extremely disappointed in you. You want real or do you want a hug? If you want real come here, if you want a hug go to daddy.
Cobra_X30 Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 Wow! Gotta say, I came to the forum hurting, not looking for a pat on the back but also in need of some understanding and compassion....And with the exceptions of Cobra and brynap (thank you both for being blunt not cruel), you guys blow me out of the water with how you assume the worst of me. Yes, duh, I know no more alcohol. And yes, I take full responsibility for getting myself into this situation. But when I wrote I was just so distraught, and you group of folks kind of pushed it over the edge. Is life really that black-and-white for you?? You need not post your flames to me--I won't be back to read it anyway-- I actually thought I was more on the harsh side than WWIU. However, I believe that you have a ton of wisdom and information to gain from posting here. As in anything in life your going to get those who disagree with your situation, and your choices. In the end, they cant make those choices for you. I dont think anyone was out to flame or hurt your feelings. I hope things work out for you!
whichwayisup Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 She ran away because people told her exactly what she needed to hear. I hope though, she is reading and knows that she can come back and get the help/advice she needs... Tough love and harshness is completely different than RUDE. Just sometimes it takes a while to figure that out. I hope she comes back.
nowayjose Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 If your husband is most important to you, the other friendships you have don't matter nearly as much. Do what is best for your husband, not you or anyone else! You can apologize to your friend, but make no further efforts. He either does or doesn't accept your apology. Are you certain you really love your husband? Your behavior doesn't show that, even after your infidelity. Getting loaded without him around is always a big mistake, even if it's just with the girlfriends. From a man's perspective, a girlfriend or wife that cheats on him will eat at his soul and make him feel like less of a man, probably to the point where he no longer really is a man. So, now, you should focus on building his ego by doing the things he likes. Stay away from alcohol since you loose your control when you drink. If you think he'll find out about the episode, you better tell him before he finds out from someone else. If there isn't much chance of that, though, and because you didn't do anything of a strong sexual nature (you still cheated!), I would not tell and focus on his needs. Forget your own needs for awhile. Once you've completely got your man happy again, and he feels he can trust you, he will take care of your needs. It's our (men's) nature to care for a woman, but only if she can be trusted!
abeliever Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 I read all the posts and was really upset that she was so upset with the answers. I mean narcissist? Maybe in denial of the magnitude of what she had done and thought she would come here to see what would be said and then found out that we too feel that she was wrong. I bet my small fortune she WON'T tell her husband now. Either way she has to live with the consequences of her actions and if she doesn't the guilt will eat away at her. Either way she is going to pay until she comes clean. But why come to this forum and this topic and think she would get a sympathetic ear? If the shoe was on the other foot -- wouldn't she be the same as "us" the ones who are bitter for being wronged? Just a thought. abeliever
abeliever Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 2Long --- You are so right as well as the others. We "bitter" folk are very compationate that is why this hit a nerve. She came in here thinking we would smooth it over for her to tell herself it will be ok and if it should happen again the "bitter ones" will help me again. We're compationate not STUPID SO IT --WRONG! (ok some of us are bad spellers lol) (me). Its about be accountable and being truthful in marriages and without it, then why get married? Does this make sense? abeliever
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