Kasan Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 There was a thread started that asked a question why some couples in long term marriages were so unhappy. So I really got to wondering about the couples who were happy in long term marriages/relationships. What drives us to stay? Is it out of loyalty, love? Are we able to overlook things that drives others nuts? Do we forgive easier? Is there a secret to staying married? Are we just oblivious to what is really going on in our marriages? Why does it work? Are there many of us out there who are happy? Your thoughts please.......
Woggle Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 They have their head screwed on straight and are able to deal with a happy relationship. Plus many people especially women that are happy don't have some impossible fantasy in their head so they don't resent their man for being human.
DazedandConfused66 Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 Our marriage works because we were obviously made for one another in some grand cosmic scheme that is beyond my comprehension. There have been times when our marriage wasn't working WELL, but in retrospect, it's because we failed to recognize our commitments to one another as being the most important thing in our lives and, instead, focused on our individual pursuits of happiness instead. The amazing thing was that, once we re-focused on one another, the individual pursuits for happiness became much, much larger goals for the both of us. There is nothing quite like achieving your goal on your own....other than achieving even HIGHER goals with another person that put your original ones into farm-league territory. Making a marriage work REQUIRES work. But the payoff is immeasurable.
Author Kasan Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 They have their head screwed on straight and are able to deal with a happy relationship. Plus many people especially women that are happy don't have some impossible fantasy in their head so they don't resent their man for being human. I am also guessing that you don't resent your wife for being human--I am very glad to hear that.
Woggle Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 I am also guessing that you don't resent your wife for being human--I am very glad to hear that. No I don't and most men don't.
Lizzie60 Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 What drives us to stay? For the rare couples who stay marry more than 20 years, I would say that 'routine' and being comfortable with each other is the reason... both can't see themselves changing their 'routine'... they love each other, a strong friendship has replaced the passion. (My bestest friend has been married for over 20 yrs, still is)... Is it out of loyalty, love? I would say it is more about loyalty than love... I would say that love is now a deep friendship that is stronger than love... just like with our 'best' friends.. nothing is more important than our 'bestest' friends... I feel it's the same with long relationships. Are we able to overlook things that drives others nuts? Maybe...or maybe we can just find a solution about it... (snoring, each our own rooms, etc.)... or we just learn to live with it. Do we forgive easier? I would say yes. Is there a secret to staying married? Finding our 'comfortable zone' with our partner and putting it on 'cruise control'... simple. Are we just oblivious to what is really going on in our marriages? Sometimes yes, sometimes the partner just 'accept' whatever... for the sake of the kids.. and financial security. Why does it work? Are there many of us out there who are happy? I'm sure there are happy couple out there... just being 'content' with each other and sometimes closing their eyes on small or bigger issues... so that their life is not turned upside down...
Author Kasan Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 Our marriage works because we were obviously made for one another in some grand cosmic scheme that is beyond my comprehension. There have been times when our marriage wasn't working WELL, but in retrospect, it's because we failed to recognize our commitments to one another as being the most important thing in our lives and, instead, focused on our individual pursuits of happiness instead. The amazing thing was that, once we re-focused on one another, the individual pursuits for happiness became much, much larger goals for the both of us. There is nothing quite like achieving your goal on your own....other than achieving even HIGHER goals with another person that put your original ones into farm-league territory. Making a marriage work REQUIRES work. But the payoff is immeasurable. Once again, I am moved by your words--it is very true that achieving a goal is sweeter when you have laughed, cried, and struggled together. Nothing easily gained is as valued.
Author Kasan Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 What drives us to stay? For the rare couples who stay marry more than 20 years, I would say that 'routine' and being comfortable with each other is the reason... both can't see themselves changing their 'routine'... they love each other, a strong friendship has replaced the passion. (My bestest friend has been married for over 20 yrs, still is)... Always glad for your 2 cents Lizzie-- The passion level changes, but in my case I can honestly say that I think my husband is better looking now then when I first met him 32 years ago. I am still very attracted to him! We are together because our infatuation has changed into a more deeper love coupled with a deep friendship. We have finally found a balance of passion and friendship. It wasn't always the case. What was it for you in your longterm relationship Lizzie?
DazedandConfused66 Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 What drives us to stay? For the rare couples who stay marry more than 20 years, I would say that 'routine' and being comfortable with each other is the reason... both can't see themselves changing their 'routine'... they love each other, a strong friendship has replaced the passion. (My bestest friend has been married for over 20 yrs, still is)... You are most certainly entitled to your opinion. But I very sincerely say that this is NOT the case with my 20 year marriage. Our passion is off the charts. My wife has become my own personal porn star and I hers in ways I can't talk about here on this board. Actually, in my particular case, I _DID_ see myself with another woman about 5 years ago...and stopped myself in my tracks when I realized that the opportunity (I did NOT pursue it with the OW, although she sorely tempted me to do so on numerous occasions) to have that kind of "spice" sexually existed with my wife if I would just pull my head out of my arse and attempt to re-woo her again. And it paid off in HUGE dividends. I also know couples that have been married 30+ years and they too boink like proverbial rabbits. Comfortable? Heh.....comfortable after 20 years just means you need to find different positions. Or buy one of them thar "Liberator" thingies.
Lizzie60 Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 What was it for you in your longterm relationship Lizzie? I was a total of 29 years with my MM... (18 years living together)... I would say that the last 6 years were borrrring... passion was gone, friendship had replaced it... but in my case, I just didn't like him enough. I was bored... we grew sooo different. It's weird. I didn't want to hurt him but I had to leave, for many years I thought I would stay with him 'till death do us part' because we had our children and we had a nice family... we build a beautiful home..we were financially comfortable... but I just couldn't do it... I started to resent him... making love with him was a 'painful' experience... (I felt like I was having sex with my brother).. it was insane. He was my best friend... who became just a friend... now he's just the father of my son... we have a lot of respect for each other...that's all.
Mr. Lucky Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 I think that it's the opposite of what many people think. In many successful, long-term relationships, they move from "love" to "like". While I don't have that same "can't wait to get my hands on her" feeling about my wife of 20+ years that I did when first we met, I like being with her. We have fun together, similar interests and enjoy each others company. Good long-term relationships evolve from limerence to "passionate friendship" - if you can't stand to be around your partner, nothing else matters... Mr. Lucky
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