Galexia Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 I'm one of the few whose MM left his wife for me. We've been together over 3 years now, but i cannot seem to shake the guilt and shame I feel for being the OW. What can I do to forgive myself?? To forgive him and move on? I want to be with him for life, and I'm certain he feels the same but just going out in public, in this town where people know everything, is just impossible. We keep our heads low, try not to be seen and basically feel incarcerated here. We dont participate in communioty functions, rarely go out to eat, and just seem to hide out as much as possible. this is no way to live! Is there any way to just get over it, forgive myself and be confident in myself again. I wont even walk down the street without worrying what others think of me. We've moved to San Fran, and now back to small town because he is tied to his work here. We are HERe and I just dont know how to get my confidence back.
sarme Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 My goodness you cannot live your life like that, you are only here on earth once and you don't get a second go at it. You made the choice to be in an affair and to let the relationship progress. You have to start by forgiving yourself and your partner, everyone else will follow. At the end of the day, sure people may talk, so what? it is your life, you are entitled to live it as you please. People will talk and or make faces, but the second time around and third they will get tired of making a face and back to their lives it is. Nothing lasts forever, and the more you hide from the world the more shame you will feel. You are nurturing the shame and unforgiving attitude. Break out of your comfort zone and face the music. You can only go up from there. I too am with a man who left his W to be with me and we go out in public and celebrate our love every day. It's unfortunate that your love had to come from such a non-ideal place but we made that choice now we live with it and learn to accept it for what it is. Some relationships are not meant to last, and it can happen to you some day too so why hide and ruin what you have today? Ask yourself what is the worst thing that can happen to you if people don't accept you?
Author Galexia Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 Wow, thanks for that quick boost of inspiration!! What was your experience like when you and yours first made the rounds out? Did people notice? Were you scared?? Tell me more....i just love where you're going wth this!!!
passionateconfusion Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 Walking with your heads low indicates to me that you feel guilty and that you both have done something wrong - how can other people look you in the eye if you can't even do it yourself. Walk with your head high and behave how you feel - hopefully that is in total love!
Author Galexia Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 Walking with your heads low indicates to me that you feel guilty and that you both have done something wrong - how can other people look you in the eye if you can't even do it yourself. Walk with your head high and behave how you feel - hopefully that is in total love! I know it, and when we lived in San Francisco, thats how it was. It felt amazing. but when we got here we both just started doing it/feeling it. We feel like we shouldnt show our love because of the initial way it developed. I want so bad to have that freedom that i cry daily for it. It kills me, and I can feel tension between us just from the level of stress it creates.
CallMeCrazy Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 I too am in a similar situation as yours.... My MM is on the verge of leaving his W. We have even told a few people about our R and are increasingly doing more activities in public. So far, we're getting a "mixed bag" response. No one likes the idea of an A. However, it's a REALITY. If it weren't, would we have sites like this one and support groups for people in these situations!? My advice would be to hang in there, and walk with your heads held high. You have found what everyone is searching for. LOVE. I doubt he left is M for you ~ because if it was so wonderful he'd still be in it. You just happened to come along at the right time. The bay area is a huge place (I lived in the south bay for 3 years) if you need to lay low in your community ~ you can take tons of day trips or frequent the neighboring towns until the gossip has died down. Try to take it one day at a time and enjoy being together. Everything happens for a reason and you're together for one as well.... what about him made you fall in love with him? Step back and spend some quality time together enjoying the beautiful scenery or watching a good movie. Napa isn't that far either.... Good luck ~ I hope to be in your situation soon, and certainly know that it will not be an easy road. I hope you have found that it's worth it....
precious1357 Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 Wow, this was the most encouraging thread I've read. Thanks!
Author Galexia Posted October 16, 2007 Author Posted October 16, 2007 I too am in a similar situation as yours.... My MM is on the verge of leaving his W. We have even told a few people about our R and are increasingly doing more activities in public. So far, we're getting a "mixed bag" response. No one likes the idea of an A. However, it's a REALITY. If it weren't, would we have sites like this one and support groups for people in these situations!? My advice would be to hang in there, and walk with your heads held high. You have found what everyone is searching for. LOVE. I doubt he left is M for you ~ because if it was so wonderful he'd still be in it. You just happened to come along at the right time. The bay area is a huge place (I lived in the south bay for 3 years) if you need to lay low in your community ~ you can take tons of day trips or frequent the neighboring towns until the gossip has died down. Try to take it one day at a time and enjoy being together. Everything happens for a reason and you're together for one as well.... what about him made you fall in love with him? Step back and spend some quality time together enjoying the beautiful scenery or watching a good movie. Napa isn't that far either.... Good luck ~ I hope to be in your situation soon, and certainly know that it will not be an easy road. I hope you have found that it's worth it.... Hey thanks for the advice. I wish i was still in the Bay area. I think i mentioned before that he is tied to his business up north, in a small town which is where we are right now. When we were living in SF, there were no issues. Nooone could care less about us, our age difference or anything. We had anonominity. Here, we don't. But I felt encouraged by everyone's posts and am trying to slowly work the courage to go out and be lovers in front of people more. Last night we actaully went out to eat!!! Anyway, thanks for the words. I love to hear more and more.
child_of_isis Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 Being from a small town...I think the more you hide the more the gossip grows. In your case, most likely the gossip started about the A, but then expanded into the hiding issues. Trust me, they know you are hiding and it gives them more fodder to feed on. I would go out with both barrels slinging (small town saying)....they would see me out and about everyday. Of course at first, you will get "the look" , the whispers and such, but after awhile, they'll give it up and find someone else to gossip about. When you run into someone whispering, or giving you "the look" stare them dead in the eye. That usually brings them down a peg or two.
EnigmaXOXO Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 We are HERe and I just dont know how to get my confidence back. When you stop being ashamed of who your with. I don’t know if people just experience love differently ... but I know when I truly LOVE someone I don’t care if the whole world knows. I’m so proud of being with the one by my side, that I want my family, my friends, and everyone else who’s near, dear and important to me to know and love them, too. No part of my life is closed off to them, nor would I wish to keep them a secret from anyone --- or anyone a secret from them. And I would feel absolutely devastated if someone I loved were embarrassed or ashamed to be seen anywhere with me. Don’t do that to your partner. And don’t let your partner do that to you! Three years out ...no one of any real consequence still left to answer to ... and your still stuck in affair mode. Ya gotta work together to get out of this dysfunctional spin cycle you’ve gotten comfortable in or you’ll both end up just another statistic. Get out and go out! And find some joy in that you’ve beaten the odds (thus far) and have been afforded the rare opportunity to be a genuine couple.
LittleLady Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 Tell him about it.. let him sell his business and move out of town to have a fresh new start! Seriously! Why not?
Lizzie60 Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 I say go out... show everybody you're happy... They will gossip for a while but it won't take long before it will be old news and they won't even bother.. the more you hide, the more they'll gossip. It's a vicious circle. Come on... never mind what the others think... it's a bit too late. Comme on.. life is too short to feel guilty about our happiness.
KATANYA Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 I agree with Lizzie's post......see and be seen! People will get tired of the talk a lot quicker and move on if you two show that YOU are OK with it. Besides, why care what others think? Everyone has their own skeletons don't they? Live your own life, be happy and move one....everyone else will do the same!
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 Thanks for sharing your story Galexia... Yes, your relationship started out the way that relationships shouldn't - with someone else in the picture. It happens all of the time. You did it for love, right? Well, don't be guilty for falling in love - celebrate it! Many people can judge you, but at the end of the day, not one of them is perfect - its not for them to judge. You be your OWN critic, celebrate the man you love and the life you share and hold your head up high, lady!
OWoman Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 When you run into someone whispering, or giving you "the look" stare them dead in the eye. And then smile. Be warm and friendly toward them, even if their cold, narrow-minded backwardness prevents them from seeing the wonderful you that your H fell in love with. As pentula said, what goes around, comes around, and if they're going to keep spreading venom and hatred, and you keep deflecting it with warmth and love, your warmth and love will triumph. Either they'll come round when they see what nice people you are, how genuinely happy you are together and how much more important love is than judgment... or they'll shrivel up, eaten up with their bitterness and noah's ark mentality, clinging to the darkness and hiding from the light, until the summer breeze blows their empty shells away. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Your love triumphed over fear. THEY are the ones who need to be ashamed of never having read their bibles beyond chapter two of the old testament (or whatever it is they claim for their moral compass). Walk proud. You carry all of our good wishes with you.
Recommended Posts