MyTearsDriedUp Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 i am pretty new here but I really need to get this off my chest. I feel like I am going to die from all the emotion I am holding inside. I have been in a long distance marriage with my husband for three years and two months ago we moved in to gether. I know most of you will find it strange believe me I have lost track of normal so bear with me. Well we moved in together so that we could be there for the kids. I have one daughter from a previous relationship and we have another one together. The problem is that my husband always find things wrong with the way I bring up the children, he always tells me about how his ex is good with children and although he doesnt spell it out I feel only loathing for how I bring up the kids. Everything has to be done his way oherwise he throws tantrums and am emotionally blackmailed. He hardly does any housework cos he works an i stay at home with the kids. He gives me the impression i couldnt earn much if i did anyway and scoffs when i talk about working. Geez I graduated from university with a first class! My self esteem is in the pits and i know I let this happen but all I can think about is the children. When he feels a bit under I have to get the kids out of his sight or out of his hearing range otherwise he accuses me of being cold to his plight. Both kids are under five and I am finding it more and more difficult to live with him. For the first time in my life i feel suicidal an will have carried it through if it wasnt for my kids. He felt unwell today and I tried to keep the kids quiet all the time. I told them to lock the tv room so they did not disturb him as soon as the door closed he jumped out of bed and raced down the stairs and accused me of letting my daughter have her own way including closing the door so i didnt keep an eye on him. I explained buit he told me my daughter( his step child)was difficult and he had no problems with our daughter. The truth is our daughter gets away with so many things my daughter will get told off for. And she is a veruy active child and when he attacks her everyday I feel like I have to sacrifice my daughters personality so that we can have peace in the house.She is not a bad girl but more and more I can see all the problems in this house being piled on her head. Am so sick of it! Any advice will be very appreciated.
luvstarved Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 First of all if you feel suicidal you need emergency help. PLEASE get it somewhere. Don't let these hopeless feelings fester. As for your daughter taking the brunt of things, you really need to assert yourself to stand up for her. It is best if you can get into counseling and relate the specifics in that forum, the counselor will be able, if your H is at all open minded, to show him that the child is virtually never "the problem". It is at least better if you can try to talk with him privately about this, not in front of the kids, so that it does not come across as "you and her against him" or some attempt on your part to undermine his authority in the house. But if he goes off in a rage against her, then you do need to put a stop to it right then and there, removing her and yourself from the situation if need be, and telling him you will talk to him when he feels like being a rational adult. I had this problem with my H and I handled it as best I could but wish I had been even more assertive and gotten help sooner. After much counseling he did finally realize that "my" daughter was not the difficult out of control child he thought she was, and that "his" (our) daughter was not the perfect angel either (of course, the fact that she is now doing the same things my daughter did at her age probably helped - messy room, not picking up after herself, lazy about homework) My daughter is now 16 and hanging in there but suffering depression and tred to quit high school, it was a real crisis. I am sure that if she had gotten love and support instead of verbal abuse it would have helped. And certainly if I had defended her more effectively (I did but it turned into ugly blowups that didn't give her the warm fuzzies either) that would have helped too. I just hope it isn't too late for things to turn around for her. My H is very good with her now, but wonder if it is too little too late. My H does virtually no housework but he is improving there too. I don't know though. I have to admit when I was out of work for a while it seemed reasonable for me to do the housework. Even wth three kids and desperately job hunting, I felt like I had more free time than him to do it. Now I am employed and have the much more high-powered demanding job, so it really feels unfair now...I think this is a very common complaint with women. So I would try to lighten up on that issue and focus instead on getting respect for yourself and your daughter from him. Hope you can work it out. Keep us posted.
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