Galexia Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 So, i've been reading how unhappy everyone seems in these long term marriages. I'm not married and am very hesitant to ever get married. Why not just be together without the legal hoo-haa, and just be together because YOU want to be together? What is the obsession with actually being married when in fact so many marriages end, or you end up writing about your misery on this forum? Let me ask you all.....How many of you would do it differently if you could do it again?
Ocean-Blue Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 Some people get married because it gives them a sense of security (in terms of assets, legal protection, etc). And there are some who marry for "love" - whatever that is. Remember, it's just half the pop. that gets divorced (at least where I'm from anyway). So there are a lot of people out there who are NOT getting divorced.
The Collector Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 If you don't marry 'em you can't divorce 'em for half their stuff!
Author Galexia Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 I'm not saying people are getting divorced, but just that they seem so miserable. Its such a common stereotype.....people go down hill once married. If you've had a chance to see that new Ben Stiller Movie, "the Heartbreak Kid" it really stereotypes marriages as being unbearable, as do so many other people. Then why bother? If its mostly for security reasons, then the person will be miserable anyway. Each one of us needs to lear ow to be independent, and successful on our own or we'll never be fulfilled!
Author Galexia Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 If you don't marry 'em you can't divorce 'em for half their stuff! That is a terrible thing to say. Get your stuff on your own. dont marry someone for a qucik get rich sceme. No wonder men are so hesitant!!!
reboot Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 It's because some people think beyond themselves. They want to have families, children, a house, a picket fence, tax breaks. All that sort of stuff. Much easier to do when married.
Kasan Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 You have to understand the nature of this forum. People who come here looking for advice are not always that happy with their situations. People who are happy don't often seek advice. I found it very discouraging when I first came here as the unhappiness expressed here can be overwhelming. Would I get married again? Most definitely, but I would have waited until I was much older, so I might not have ended up with the same man.
DazedandConfused66 Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 This forum is FOR the disenchanted and brokenhearted, so don't measure marriage by the standards you read here. I've been married 20 years now to the love of my wife. We've had the best of times and the worst of times, and somehow managed to turn the worst of times into a storybook romance. If I had the power, I would add 20 years to my life and have married her earlier. Could I have accomplished all of this without a piece of paper and proclaiming my love for her with vows in front of a hundred people in a church? Sure I could have.....but if I was serious about the committment, then why wouldn't I proclaim it in front of others, with promises and the legal committment to back it up?
Author Galexia Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 Could I have accomplished all of this without a piece of paper and proclaiming my love for her with vows in front of a hundred people in a church? Sure I could have.....but if I was serious about the committment, then why wouldn't I proclaim it in front of others, with promises and the legal committment to back it up? You don't have to commit legally and in front of others to be committed seriously. This is my whole point exactly!!! Its this type of perception that gets marriages in so much trouble. I love your story and insight, but do not agree with this particular statement
quankanne Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 would I do it again? I have no idea … but I don't have any regrets making the leap of faith with my husband, and we've had some pretty low points in our 15-year marriage. I think people marry – and stay married – because they aren't afraid of leaping into the unknown. Sure, it can be difficult, but there's also an incredible pay-off, even if the marriage does end in divorce – you've gained something you won't have found in any other kind of relationship. so stop reading and watching and looking for "why relationships are bad" stories, and focus on what works for YOU. Its this type of perception that gets marriages in so much trouble. because you personally don't agree with it? Remember, you can stick five people in a room with an elephant, and their descriptions of the beast are going to be vaguely similar.
DazedandConfused66 Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 You don't have to commit legally and in front of others to be committed seriously. This is my whole point exactly!!! Its this type of perception that gets marriages in so much trouble. I love your story and insight, but do not agree with this particular statement Read what I said again. I agree, you DO NOT have to be legally married to have that kind of commitment. But if you ARE committed to your SO, then reverse your question. Why WOULDN'T you get married and make a public and legal proclamation of your vows to one another? In my opinion, the only reason you wouldn't is because either a) you are violently opposed to the institution of marriage for some reason or another, b) you believe that because most marriages end in divorce, then marriage MUST equate to eventual divorce (which is absurd and illogical thinking, but many proclaim it anyways) or c) you are afraid of the commitment that legal and public proclamations like marriage bring to the relationship. Basically, the reasons to NOT get married is that you question the commitment in the first place, at least at some level.
Touche Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 I've been married 12 years years and I'd do it again. My H would say the same. No regrets. Why not just live together? We wanted a child together and we don't believe in having children out of wedlock. We're both kind of old-fashioned that way. Our son has a mother and a father who are married and who have the same last name. Besides, I don't want my SO to be my boyfriend. I want him to be my husband. And I like being his wife and not his g/f. It means a lot to us.
Kasan Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 G-- Another thing that you are forgetting is the fact that some couples who are in long term marriages married back when living together without the benefit of marriage wasn't the norm. Maybe you should define what longterm is--
Tripper Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 You don't have to commit legally and in front of others to be committed seriously. This is my whole point exactly!!! Its this type of perception that gets marriages in so much trouble. I love your story and insight, but do not agree with this particular statement Hello All... I've been reading posts for awhile but this is my first post. I felt compelled because this thread resonated with me. Both my SO and me are considering getting married (second time for both). Prior to meeting one another we were both pretty adamant about not ever getting married again... The reason for the change of heart and mind?? Marriage is the most powerful statement of love one makes and it's made in front of God and your peers. Mind you both of us are in our '50's, have been single for awhile and have no illusions about marriage or life together.. I guess we've matured. Bottom line is you can't throw the baby out with the bathwater... and it is a free society... you don't want to get married then don't. But don't criticize those that do...
Woggle Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 Marriage is what a couple makes it. It can be great or it can be horrible depending on who you marry. I happened to luck out but if I never met my current spouse I probably would have never married again because I don't like to waste my time on something only to have it blow up in my face.
Kasan Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 But if you ARE committed to your SO, then reverse your question. Why WOULDN'T you get married and make a public and legal proclamation of your vows to one another? In my opinion, the only reason you wouldn't is because either a) you are violently opposed to the institution of marriage for some reason or another, b) you believe that because most marriages end in divorce, then marriage MUST equate to eventual divorce (which is absurd and illogical thinking, but many proclaim it anyways) or c) you are afraid of the commitment that legal and public proclamations like marriage bring to the relationship. You hit the nail on the head, but from what I understand the OP is a O/W, so I am not sure what the motivation is here. Maybe she is wondering why her O/M got married in the first place. So G--what was your motivation for starting this thread? How does this thread fit your situation? I am really curious and I am being sincere and not sarcastic. I am not judging you!!!!
Lizzie60 Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 If you don't marry 'em you can't divorce 'em for half their stuff! I've never been married.. but living common-law is recognized and I could have had half if I wanted... I chose not to go after his investments and registered pension.. I was good to him... but I was entitled to half of everything... no need for the official paper...
Lizzie60 Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 I am not against marriage but I see no 'need' for the official paper, unless it is for some kind of financial security (pension) especially if you have kids... Other than that, I see absolutely no need to get married... it's a 'tradition' that is, IMO, old-fashioned, plus with all the divorce and cheating going around, it is just too much hassle when the couple separates. It's only a piece of paper, that IMO, says nothing and who does NOT guarantee love... 'till death do us part'.
Author Galexia Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 You don't have to commit legally and in front of others to be committed seriously. This is my whole point exactly!!! Its this type of perception that gets marriages in so much trouble. I love your story and insight, but do not agree with this particular statement Hello All... I've been reading posts for awhile but this is my first post. I felt compelled because this thread resonated with me. Both my SO and me are considering getting married (second time for both). Prior to meeting one another we were both pretty adamant about not ever getting married again... The reason for the change of heart and mind?? Marriage is the most powerful statement of love one makes and it's made in front of God and your peers. Mind you both of us are in our '50's, have been single for awhile and have no illusions about marriage or life together.. I guess we've matured. Bottom line is you can't throw the baby out with the bathwater... and it is a free society... you don't want to get married then don't. But don't criticize those that do... I'm not criticizing, trust me. My question was sincere. Its just that you read and hear about so many marriages ending, bitter divorces, struggling, pain, that I had to ask, why bother marrying then? I don't have fear of marriage. I will most likely get married some day. I might also add, i am not religious and would not marry for the sake of having children, or for proclaiming love to GOD. I do apologize if i offended anyone. It was not my intention.
Author Galexia Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 So G--what was your motivation for starting this thread? How does this thread fit your situation? I am really curious and I am being sincere and not sarcastic. I am not judging you!!!! I guess It was just out of curiosity. I have many friends in predicaments about marriage. A couple f 7+ yrs braks up because HE idn't want to get married and she did. Another is marrying so her man can get citizenship in the USA. And I am an OW, and see how many people post as an OW/OM and can't help but wonder. Not to mention, it IS bcoming more accepted o not marry, but still have babies, and live like marrieds do. My Man is older than me, as you might know from reading my threads....and he always tells me about couples his age who are divorcing. Not only that, but he told me he felt dead in his marriage with his ex. That people shouldn't feel obligated to enter into a contract like that. My own parents are still togehter, but they dont seem happy, and would most likely be happier if they left one another. But they don't. So, in all this misery on the forum, and higher than ever divorce rates, I just had to know why people even go there.
Author Galexia Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 I am not against marriage but I see no 'need' for the official paper, unless it is for some kind of financial security (pension) especially if you have kids... Other than that, I see absolutely no need to get married... it's a 'tradition' that is, IMO, old-fashioned, plus with all the divorce and cheating going around, it is just too much hassle when the couple separates. It's only a piece of paper, that IMO, says nothing and who does NOT guarantee love... 'till death do us part'. I still like the romance of tradition, but in all honesty...feel just as you do.
cld24 Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 Everyone marries for different reasons, some of these reasons are what makes the marriage result in divorce or cheating. If people married for love, commitment, family and partnership (just to name a few), then the divorce rate wouldn't be as high. We got married for many reasons and none had to do with "a piece of paper" or a tax break (never even thought of that). It was the ultimate thing we could do and we both wanted it. Before meeting my husband I used to say I would never marry and probably never have kids. I didn't know real love then so I had no desire to marry. I just played the field as not to have to put real emotions into a relationship. Also, society wasn't painting a pretty picture of marriage for me. Now I realize it depends on the couple and I am not going by statistics of other peoples marriage. Marriage to us is a wonderful thing, we love the fact that we are a family. We are looking forward to having a baby in a few years also. You shouldn't let the divorce rate tarnish your idea of marriage, you might pass up the right one for you by doing this.
Woggle Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 Why does it seem that the people with the happiest marriages used to swear they would never marry? Maybe it is because if somebody managed to change our minds they must have been something special.
Tripper Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 I'm not criticizing, trust me. My question was sincere. Its just that you read and hear about so many marriages ending, bitter divorces, struggling, pain, that I had to ask, why bother marrying then? I don't have fear of marriage. I will most likely get married some day. I might also add, i am not religious and would not marry for the sake of having children, or for proclaiming love to GOD. I do apologize if i offended anyone. It was not my intention. No offense taken on my part, Galexia and I will agree that the rate of demise of marriages is somewhat frightening. Without being long winded I think that the socio economic structure of the society we live in creates a lot of dissatisfaction, not just in marriages but in life. How the heck can you work on keeping a marriage intact when your working long hours to earn enough to keep up with the Joneses. Yeah, I mixed alot into that statement if you think about it. And in the process of spending more hours at work than at home, is it any wonder that the "workplace affair" is so common?? Rhetorical question. Most of us marry at an early age, at least my generation did... somewhere in our '20's... What the heck did we know?? About life... However now, after divorce, depression, therapy and "rebirth" (this spanned close to a decade of my life), my priorities are very, very different. My reasons and expectations of marriage are different. And the effort I would put into a marriage would be much more than when I was younger. My age gives me the benefit of hindsight... I don't mourn what I had and lost, rather I rejoice in what I have and where I'm going... T
quankanne Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 Why does it seem that the people with the happiest marriages used to swear they would never marry? good question, Wog – that kind of bond just didn't appeal to me, probably because I was raised in a small town, in an ethnic family, where the only option for a girl was to marry right out of high school and start having a family. I didn't have problems with the idea of kids, because I wanted a passel of them some, but only after I finished college. Having a husband in the picture never occured to me, though. now here's the irony: I'm married 15 years, but never have been able to get pregnant! God's surely chuckling at my boneheaded plans :laugh: though I've told Him that a menopause baby wouldn't the kind of surprise I needed at 50-something ...
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