Sometimes They DO Leave You for the OW

[RollMeAway]

Well, now it's my 2rn 2 be confused! I was going 2 say something like "a temptation is like giving in2 an addiction, which is what affairs are", but a "need" might be described in those terms as well, I suppose.

 

I keep coming back 2 concepts like "responsibility" and the promises we make when we get married. All about knowing who is responsible for maintaining our own happiness (we are), who's responsible for keeping the marriage fulfilling (we are), and so who is responsible for establishing healthy personal boundaries (we are). Like, it's not rocket surgery 2 know that there are certain lines that one does not cross. And if one is tempted, they should seek help from someone not conflicted (like a counselor, versus the object of their desires). And "help" consists of the kind of advice that leads the potential wayward 2 solve their problems within themselves, rather than getting a "fix" from someone else.

 

Probably, I've done a crummy job of clarification!

 

Nah, I think that's a good idea. Our discussion has created quite a thread hijack, and kept you from understanding the context from which I am asking you questions.

 

More info about my situation lies here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t132227/

 

LOL! When my W, kids and I went and saw "Children of Men" in the theater, I named that song before the first chord was finished!

 

"The gardener plants an evergreen, whilst trampling on a flower.

I chase the wind of a prism ship, to taste the sweet and sour."

 

Ah, Peter Sinfield lyrics!

 

-ol' 2long

 

Yeah they never play stuff like that on the radio...

 

Here's another that I rarely hear...strange how in looking back at the old stuff it all seems so relevant:

 

one day you'll wake up

in the Present Day

a million generations

removed from expectations

of being who you really want to be.

[RollMeAway]

Ok 2long, sorry but I am really interested in this now...

 

In one post you stated:

People don't have affairs because of unmet needs in their marriage. They have affairs because they don't protect themselves or their spouses from their own weaknesses - susceptibility 2 temptation.

 

Then later:

Well, now it's my 2rn 2 be confused! I was going 2 say something like "a temptation is like giving in2 an addiction, which is what affairs are", but a "need" might be described in those terms as well, I suppose.

 

I think I agree with you that they could be the same thing. For example, Jack is in a marriage and has needs X, Y and Z. The spouse Jill meets X and Y, but falls short on Z, and for one reason or another they can't see eye to eye. Jack meets someone with Z, and there it is.

 

And now I think I see the lesson to be taken away...that if Jack knows himself and what he needs before ever meeting Jill...he will be able to responsibly make the decision to be married, knowing that Jill meets all his needs.

 

Does this make any sense?

 

Thanks for the advice BTW...

[Crestfallen_KH]

OMG - whoa, I can't believe this. Just when I needed a little shot in the arm!!!!

 

My husband's girfriend (who he moved in with) just got FIRED from their workplace! Hahahahahahaha!!!!!

 

Ok, so normally I am the kindest, most sympathetic person in the world, but if I ever have a right to take satisfaction in the misery of others, it's now!

 

How attractive! Just what you want at the start of your new adulterous relationship - someone who is not only dependent on you emotionally, but now financially too.

 

What a winner he's got there!

[NoIDidn't]

Have you any idea why she was fired?

 

In my sitch, the OW spent so much time at her desk crying after the stuff hit the fan that she almost lost her job. Friends I had made of my H's co-worker told me about it. I am far from gloating about it (not that I think you are, far from it), because I told them to recommend therapy to help deal with the fallout as she could not afford to lose her job.

 

Have you spoken to your H since finding this out?

[Crestfallen_KH]

Well, I am gloating, I will admit it. It's very out of character for me, but I've had to endure such cruelty and betrayal, that I'm going to let myself slide this time. I certainly will NOT feel any sympathy for her.

 

I found out through Facebook and a mutual friend who works for the company. They were never happy with her, and I'm sure her performance must have just gotten worse because she is also going through a divorce, but obviously that's just speculation.

 

I haven't spoken to my husband at all and don't plan to. It's not going to be a good week for him. I am planning to begin divorce filings this week as well.

 

I guess I could be nice about it and ask him if he'd like me to hold off on that, especially since I want him to pay the costs. I guess I'll think about that, but lord knows neither of them showed me any mercy...

 

But, I was always the better person. I am certainly a better employee!

[NoIDidn't]

I am thinking life is going to get really interesting for you after you file. I bet your H never considered that he would be financially supporting her one day.

 

And she's going through a divorce, too? The conversations they must be having! Oh to be a fly on the wall sometimes.

[Crestfallen_KH]

Yep, they are both married and both of their spouses left them.

 

It's weird, although I still feel no sympathy for her, today I feel sad. The whole situation is just sad. It's almost like, the more pathetic she is, the more sad it is that he left me for her.

 

But I know it has nothing to do with me, or even her. It's his internal issues. Anyway, I've contacted him to let him know that I'm meeting with the lawyer this week. I guess it's going to be interesting to see how this plays out now.

[Crestfallen_KH]

Well, I thought I'd post an update to this for anyone still interested in my situation.

 

I had a blowout with my STBXH after the his girlfriend got fired, and he actually apologized. He seemed to show some real insight and said that he realized his emotional affair was cruel and mean and that I didn't deserve it. He said I was a good person and that I deserved happiness and he really screwed up. The things he said showed that he'd really thought about it, and it was nice to hear him acknowledge the infidelity wasn't my fault. It was especially nice to hear him say I had tried to work with him, to find out what was wrong, and that he bailed when things got rough - not me. I do take pride in that.

 

I have gone ahead and started the paperwork. He's still with her, living with her, is currently on vacation with her, and has even brought her to meet his mother (ick). So, he's moving on, and so am I. I hope it will be final before the end of the year.

 

When he gets back, he'll sign the papers, and then I think there is one last thing to sign and then it'll be over. At that point, since there are no children, I will go full no contact and continue healing.

 

Some good things - the obsessive thoughts have stopped, I am still kickboxing and am in the best shape of my life, have met new friends and am still in therapy and am healing in a pretty healthy way (no random sex, dulling my feelings with alcohol or "stuffing" my feelings).

 

The bad things - I have resumed smoking (after quitting four years ago), still love him (give me a break, it's only been a few months) and still struggle with the internal dialogue. I can't shake that in March, or April or whenever, his relationship will end and I'll hear from him. I guess the good news is that I don't want him back, so the internal dialogue I have now is telling him I can't possibly learn to truly love or respect someone I have no respect for. But, part of me still thinks that even if his relationship ends, he won't come to me, particularly with our divorce being final. And I know that, by then, I will be a different person and will likely feel different anyway.

 

I'm doing ok for the most part. I am feeling so much better now (though I still have a long way to go) and am still moving on the path to healing. I have more good days than bad, and I have plans for the holiday tomorrow and even Christmas. I am hopeful about my future and pleased at how I have RISEN from the ashes of my dead relationship, while he has floundered (emotionally, financially and socially). I hope his infidelity was worth it.

 

Thanks again for the support.

[Phateless]

I'm so tired of reading how cheating doesn't lead to divorce and how men rarely leave their wives for the other woman.

 

Well, I guess I am the exception. I have no choice in the divorce and he moved in with his girlfriend just a couple of weeks after I moved out.

 

I'll try to keep this short. My husband and I were "the ideal couple" -- affectionate, in love, best friends, happy and supportive. We have been together since 1999 and married in 2002. In April, we took a 3-week trip to Ireland to celebrate our 5th wedding anniversary, bought a second vehicle in mid-July, and just two short weeks later, my husband said he wanted a divorce.

 

He started a new job and met someone. Within two weeks, his "heart started to drift" and he basically told me over the course of the weekend that he wanted a divorce.

 

I couldn't believe it. How could my logical husband think these feelings real in such a short amount of time? Sure, she also felt something for him, but she is married too. How could this be happening?

 

He agreed to work on the marriage, but refused to even consider leaving his job. Then, the secrecy started. Phone calls, working late, lunches together, blaming me for "not giving him any privacy." And after 3 weeks, he said he was more sure than ever that he wanted out.

 

I never went crazy, called him names, yelled at him or went psycho on her. I just packed up my stuff from our rental house (I had to get out of there for my own sanity) and moved out and moved on.

 

Her husband packed up and moved out, too. And one week after I left, he agreed to move in with her to "help pay the rent." They have been living together for almost a month.

 

We've seen each other briefly to exchange the last bits of property. We've separated our finances and our lives. We are completely divorced save for the paperwork.

 

I kept hoping he would come to his senses and realize how crazy this was and come back, but no dice. He claimed he just wanted to be single and wanted to feel "in love" again. He acknowledges on some level that he is emotionally retarded, but he's evidently not regretting anything. He feels horrible for hurting me, but he's moved on with her and has apparently decided that my love and friendship were worth giving up so quickly.

 

I hate this. I hate how I was so quickly and so easily replaced as his friend, lover and advisor. He didn't even give us a chance to work on our issues (and he acknowledges this) and my entire life changed completely in such a short amount of time.

 

I guess I don't know why I felt I had to post. I guess I'm just so tired of looking for support online and seeing "how to rebuild your marriage after infidelity." I didn't even get a CHOICE to do that!

 

I am doing pretty well. I am in therapy, getting out and participating in activities, have a great job, making new friends and moving on. Some days I think I want him back, but for the most part I'm glad to be rid of someone so unworthy of me.

 

But by far, the infidelity and lying hurt the most. I am so sad and so angry sometimes because of it. I just wish he could appreciate what he's done to me, but obviously his feelings and needs (and hers) are all he cares about now. So I just hope they flame out - they are BOTH adulterers. Do they even feel guilt?? Ugh.

 

I guess it's just one of those days. Thank you to those who read this. I'd sure love any advice you can provide.

 

Thanks,

Crestfallen

 

Sure it happens SOMETIMES, but 99% of the time it doesn't. Operating on the assumption that things will be different for you is a sure way to set yourself up to get hurt.

[Leia]

It saddens me to read your post! I'm sorry for what your ex-husband has put you through. I'm glad to know you're doing better now...

 

((((hugs))))

[abeliever]

Crestfallen,

 

 

Hang in there! I wish I had your situation. I am still living with my H who has cheated and cheated and now has a child on the way. (not sure its his) So the idea of a H just leaving and all you have to do is deal with the feelings. I welcome that. It sounds like heaven.

 

I know you are hurting and have a lot of questions still. But hang in there you are on the horizon of something great to come! I just know it.

 

abeliever

[Crestfallen_KH]

Well, we signed the divorce papers yesterday (separately, of course). Just a few weeks, and it will be final.

 

abeliever - I've read your story and I really am sorry. I can't imagine what that must be like. I do feel lucky in a lot of ways - no kids, no house, no one else to look after. I can just make a clean break and go my own way and never talk to him again (and today is the first day of doing that!) so it's very liberating. I know it could have been worse.

 

The good thing that I have kept in mind is that I "only" have to recover from what was done TO me - I don't have to recover from what I'VE done to anyone else. As torturous, painful and sad as it's been, I don't know guilt like he knows guilt. I don't know shame like he knows shame. And I don't know what it's like to betray someone who was never anything but kind and loving to you. When we separated, he stepped off the platform and down the stairs into the cess pit, while I took the stairs leading up. I walked away with my dignity in check and didn't demean myself or go against my ethics as he did - and all of that is priceless.

 

Anyway, that's my take on it.

[smitty12]

i have one better for you me and my ex were engaged for awhile there were reasons i didnt marry him oh but i wanted to if only he would change! any who back in july on the 4th he told me he was leaving that he met someone and that i had changed about 3 years ago well thats when my grandma died i was devastated my dad died bout 4 years before that now that i have gotten help i see how depressed i was anywho when he told me this i tried to kill myself i was in so much pain. ok so a month or 2 passes i get better get on some well butrin and such but still love him call him beg him to come home cry over him blah blah by the way he is living with this whore and her 2 kids they met at a pool hall ugh how skeevy is that, oh by the way when he left i went to hospital he left me with all bills took our car and didnt think twice about it- real man huh? ok so i get this phone call from him after not talking to him for 4 DAYS which as anyone whos trying to get over ex is alot for me it was anyway- hes crying of course i love you i just wanna come home i made the biggest mistake i have ever made so what do i do i let him back like that but he knew i would took advantage of me cos he is alow life- well he was back all of sudden he could not work ohhh my poor baby i will do anything to help you so i supported his sorry ass financially emotionally let him buy big screen tv turned upstairs spare room into bonus room , took out loan to get us caught up on bills which he was there rubbing back i love you baby, had cookouts he smoked all my money told me he was never leaving again blah blah by the way i am blissfully happy i didnt mind doing these things for him i thought he needed my help. so anyway 2 half months later i come home from therapy of all places to find suicide note he has written saying he cant be with the one he loves blah blah oh and bottom was addressed to her -kristina you are the love of my life!!! tell girls i love them i will always love you WTF!!!!so here i am he didnt say where he was but guess who he calls and tells- yep green room whore [ thats where they met] so what does she do does she call his family? 911? anybody ? nope and he oded like 1 min from her house the only way me and his sister in law found him was the sister in law called the whore and all nonchalant he od on 30 xanex up the street from me!! we were like did u call 911 are you with him ??? nope none above so i ride with him to hospital in ambulance crying my eyeballs out that he almost died i call her and get in her ass guess what she says im tired of being involved in yalls drama! to wrap this up at first i was like oh no why me again i love him blahh blah till i heard how he showed his ass last friday nite he gets drunk with his brother and sister in law and starts crying over her now this is same woman who didnt call noone when he oded , told me his aunt and sister in law she didnt want to be with him and she is back with her ex husband for the money only thats what she tells him and sister in law still wants her so sister in law and him end up at someones house having good time all sudden sister in law is like where is anthony he is front yard of these people he does not know kicking **** ,crying all dramatic KRISTINAAAAA!!! embarassing sister in law these people tell her she has to take him and leave now she goes to get him guess who pulls up KRISTINAAAAA! anyway sister in law is pissed now asks kristina do you want him?? with him there she doesnt say anything all she says i dont want this sniffle tear yes she does she has ex at home for security sex money she got fired from her job 3 months ago she has anthony for backup any who i FINALLY SAW for the first time the whole 10 years i have known his sorry ass what a pathetic loser he is and i really dont miss him which is big for me all i have ever done is cry over him he never made me feel special i faked you know what 99% of time he is a slob what did i ever see in him ???? i am sooooo much better than either of them i think thats why he wants her so bad she is the female version of him and thats all that he will ever have but her ex does not know any of this he has been with her for while and ant and whore have been talking and god knows what else i was told her ex really loves her and his daughter the other kid is someone elses so should i try to tell him???my friends think i want to tell for revenge i want to tell because i know what it feels like to be used and how much hurt it causes she keeps telling anthony the only reason we cant be together are my kids and my ex oh the drama shes doing same thing to him as he did to me karma is red headed bitch i just dyed mine red to ps he ran up my bills this time to even worse remember he wasnt working pss he miraclously went back to work a week after all this and he moved in with mama and is sleeping in niece bedroom omn ballerina sheets oh god what a loser stay away from them if they cheat!!!!! i will never put up with any **** in the future never make excuses for someone ever again never put someone ahead of myself when you come to this point its freeing IM FREEE free from this jerk !!!!! hope everyone else who is in this can be free and happy toooo! it can happen !! should i tell the ex

[Crestfallen_KH]

Unbelievable.

 

Now HE got fired.

 

Well, he was technically a contractor for that company, so "let go" is probably the more appropriate term.

 

So, as far as I know, they are both essentially unemployed and picking up a little bit of work from one of his friends. Wow. He's NEVER been "let go" before. Usually the companies he works for begs him to stay.

 

Well, I'm in NC so I won't be responding to his e-mail - certainly won't be saying "sorry to hear that." I'll just continue to shake my head as his life comes tumbling down around him and be thankful he's signed the papers and I cannot be held financially responsible for any bad decisions he continues to make.

 

Karma perhaps?

[Triarge]

He's not a building contractor by any chance? Maybe he should know something about foundations if he is.

 

He's picked up his metaphorical house and left the firm, solid, foundations he once had (you) only to lay it down on some very 'unstable' ground.

 

No wonder his house is falling down all around him.

 

Dont worry. Some prospector with a keen eye is going to notice that vacated land and realise its potential pretty soon no doubt. Good land doesnt stay empty for long.

 

I apologise in advance for all the metaphors lol..

[scubafish]

aaaahhh, very good triarge, lovely use of metaphors!