Sometimes They DO Leave You for the OW

[Crestfallen_KH]

I'm so tired of reading how cheating doesn't lead to divorce and how men rarely leave their wives for the other woman.

 

Well, I guess I am the exception. I have no choice in the divorce and he moved in with his girlfriend just a couple of weeks after I moved out.

 

I'll try to keep this short. My husband and I were "the ideal couple" -- affectionate, in love, best friends, happy and supportive. We have been together since 1999 and married in 2002. In April, we took a 3-week trip to Ireland to celebrate our 5th wedding anniversary, bought a second vehicle in mid-July, and just two short weeks later, my husband said he wanted a divorce.

 

He started a new job and met someone. Within two weeks, his "heart started to drift" and he basically told me over the course of the weekend that he wanted a divorce.

 

I couldn't believe it. How could my logical husband think these feelings real in such a short amount of time? Sure, she also felt something for him, but she is married too. How could this be happening?

 

He agreed to work on the marriage, but refused to even consider leaving his job. Then, the secrecy started. Phone calls, working late, lunches together, blaming me for "not giving him any privacy." And after 3 weeks, he said he was more sure than ever that he wanted out.

 

I never went crazy, called him names, yelled at him or went psycho on her. I just packed up my stuff from our rental house (I had to get out of there for my own sanity) and moved out and moved on.

 

Her husband packed up and moved out, too. And one week after I left, he agreed to move in with her to "help pay the rent." They have been living together for almost a month.

 

We've seen each other briefly to exchange the last bits of property. We've separated our finances and our lives. We are completely divorced save for the paperwork.

 

I kept hoping he would come to his senses and realize how crazy this was and come back, but no dice. He claimed he just wanted to be single and wanted to feel "in love" again. He acknowledges on some level that he is emotionally retarded, but he's evidently not regretting anything. He feels horrible for hurting me, but he's moved on with her and has apparently decided that my love and friendship were worth giving up so quickly.

 

I hate this. I hate how I was so quickly and so easily replaced as his friend, lover and advisor. He didn't even give us a chance to work on our issues (and he acknowledges this) and my entire life changed completely in such a short amount of time.

 

I guess I don't know why I felt I had to post. I guess I'm just so tired of looking for support online and seeing "how to rebuild your marriage after infidelity." I didn't even get a CHOICE to do that!

 

I am doing pretty well. I am in therapy, getting out and participating in activities, have a great job, making new friends and moving on. Some days I think I want him back, but for the most part I'm glad to be rid of someone so unworthy of me.

 

But by far, the infidelity and lying hurt the most. I am so sad and so angry sometimes because of it. I just wish he could appreciate what he's done to me, but obviously his feelings and needs (and hers) are all he cares about now. So I just hope they flame out - they are BOTH adulterers. Do they even feel guilt?? Ugh.

 

I guess it's just one of those days. Thank you to those who read this. I'd sure love any advice you can provide.

 

Thanks,

Crestfallen

[Virgo1982]

I'm sorry for you. It seems so bizarre that everything seemed alright and then-BAM! You seem like you're less distressed than most (especially since you have no opportunity to reconcile). Are you an extremely logical person?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Do they even feel guilt?? Ugh.

 

Yes, sometimes they do leave for their marriages for their affair partners. Will they be happy? Odds are against it, but stranger things have happened. I'd say your potential for long term happiness is greater than that of two cheaters who end up together - statistically, anyway. They have less than a three percent chance of making it happily to the five year mark.

 

Do they feel guilt? Not right now. Its too soon. Hopefully by the time they do, her BH and you will have both moved on to better things.

[Lizzie60]

I'm so tired of reading how cheating doesn't lead to divorce and how men rarely leave their wives for the other woman.

 

Well, I guess I am the exception.

 

No you're not the exception.... They RARELY leave their KIDS therefore their wives... From what I read you have no children... that's probably why it is easier to leave then.

 

I am doing pretty well. I am in therapy, getting out and participating in activities, have a great job, making new friends and moving on. Some days I think I want him back, but for the most part I'm glad to be rid of someone so unworthy of me.

 

Good for you.. keep it up!

 

Do they even feel guilt??

 

Maybe they do...maybe they don't... it's hard to say. I would think that a spouse would feel much more guilt when children are involved... because an adult can always move on.. as it is much harder for innocent children.

 

Good luck!

[Frances]

I am very sorry you are hurting so badly. The time it takes you to recover from all this depends alot on how much support you have with friends and family and how you decide to look on things. I take it you are not very old which means you will find it easier when you start to recover from the pain to start over again. In a years time you will not take him back if he begs to return. You do not mention children so I assume you do not have any.

 

Why do people do this to someone they have promised to love for the rest of their days? I take it, it is just madness and fantazy, when he recovers from this he will see the grass is no greener on the other side and to get his kicks he will have to move on again.

 

Its very painful for you now but time will help if you let it. I hope you get the strenght to get through this. It sounds as if you are strong. I wish you well and hope that life will be kinder to you in the future.

[Crestfallen_KH]

I actually consider myself more emotional than logical, but yes, when crisis strikes I go into "task mode" to deal with what needs to be dealt with. When the tasks are taken care of, I then crawl into a safe corner and lick my wounds.

 

When this started I grabbed every self-help book I could find and realized my focus had to be on me. I started exercising again, lost weight, got my hair cut, started doing things on my own and my husband took notice. He said I was becoming a very attractive person again, but he just still lacked the desire to work on our marriage even though he said all of our problems were workable. I realize now why. He had me so snowed that I believed he really just wanted to be single and not necessarily with her. I think being played for a fool is why this stings so much.

 

I know I will be going through the emotions for awhile, and some days will be up and some will be down and that's normal.

 

I think they will probably be together for awhile, but it's an ironic situation. He claims one of the reasons he left was that I was too emotionally dependent on him. Well, she has no car, needs help paying rent and bills, is miserable in her job, was verbally and sexually abused in her marriage and pursued a married man. Yeah, that's a bastion of self-esteem and emotional health, right there. And he thought _I_ was bad? I take pride in the fact that she simply needs him more than I do.

 

But I really, really, want them to break up. I can't wait until I stop caring about that.

 

Thanks for reading and the encouraging words, all.

[Cinabon]

I'm so tired of reading how cheating doesn't lead to divorce and how men rarely leave their wives for the other woman.

 

Well, I guess I am the exception.

 

No you're not the exception.... They RARELY leave their KIDS therefore their wives... From what I read you have no children... that's probably why it is easier to leave then.

 

I am doing pretty well. I am in therapy, getting out and participating in activities, have a great job, making new friends and moving on. Some days I think I want him back, but for the most part I'm glad to be rid of someone so unworthy of me.

 

Good for you.. keep it up!

 

Do they even feel guilt??

 

Maybe they do...maybe they don't... it's hard to say. I would think that a spouse would feel much more guilt when children are involved... because an adult can always move on.. as it is much harder for innocent children.

 

Good luck!

 

 

Im sorry for the pain the OP is going through. But I have to agree with Lizzie.

[Crestfallen_KH]

I am young, though I feel old sometimes (I am 33) and no children, thankfully.

 

I think you're right - there would be more guilt if there were children but thank goodness there aren't. It's hard to imagine that the guilt on their part could INCREASE as time passes, but that's what I keep reading. Meanwhile, since I am not dulling the pain by throwing myself into a new relationship, my pain will decrease as time passes.

 

What a fool he is.

[Ocean-Blue]

I am young, though I feel old sometimes (I am 33) and no children, thankfully.

 

I think you're right - there would be more guilt if there were children but thank goodness there aren't. It's hard to imagine that the guilt on their part could INCREASE as time passes, but that's what I keep reading. Meanwhile, since I am not dulling the pain by throwing myself into a new relationship, my pain will decrease as time passes.

 

What a fool he is.

 

Wow, you are handling all of this remarkably well. Seriously, you're a cool chick. I would've reacted quite differently...

 

I hope you continue taking care of yourself and focusing on what's important. Your cheating dirty ex and his dirty mistress (which is what she is) will eventually come to the sudden realization that they want out and be left with nothing. The fact that he took off as quickly as did means he didn't give this much thought. He's a fickle pickle. Good riddance!

[Virgo1982]

I actually consider myself more emotional than logical, but yes, when crisis strikes I go into "task mode" to deal with what needs to be dealt with. When the tasks are taken care of, I then crawl into a safe corner and lick my wounds.

 

When this started I grabbed every self-help book I could find and realized my focus had to be on me. I started exercising again, lost weight, got my hair cut, started doing things on my own and my husband took notice. He said I was becoming a very attractive person again, but he just still lacked the desire to work on our marriage even though he said all of our problems were workable. I realize now why. He had me so snowed that I believed he really just wanted to be single and not necessarily with her. I think being played for a fool is why this stings so much.

 

I know I will be going through the emotions for awhile, and some days will be up and some will be down and that's normal.

 

I think they will probably be together for awhile, but it's an ironic situation. He claims one of the reasons he left was that I was too emotionally dependent on him. Well, she has no car, needs help paying rent and bills, is miserable in her job, was verbally and sexually abused in her marriage and pursued a married man. Yeah, that's a bastion of self-esteem and emotional health, right there. And he thought _I_ was bad? I take pride in the fact that she simply needs him more than I do.

 

But I really, really, want them to break up. I can't wait until I stop caring about that.

 

Thanks for reading and the encouraging words, all.

 

I admire and commend you for your strength. Difficult experiences will definitely make YOU stronger. You did all that you could in this situation and with the absurdity of it all, I wish you didn't even need to "lick your wounds." But, that would make me illogical. At any rate, I wish you much success and happiness in the future.

[xsianx]

Yes, sometimes they do leave for their marriages for their affair partners. Will they be happy? Odds are against it, but stranger things have happened. I'd say your potential for long term happiness is greater than that of two cheaters who end up together - statistically, anyway. They have less than a three percent chance of making it happily to the five year mark.

 

Do they feel guilt? Not right now. Its too soon. Hopefully by the time they do, her BH and you will have both moved on to better things.

 

I've been a BS. My H left me after 10 years to be with his OW and five years ago. A year later, they were married, five years on, they have their own home, their own business, rolling in money, etc, etc and are very happy it seems. My life as compared to theirs is crap.....Im the one who suffered and that still suffers. Financially I'm at rock bottom and have been since he left...He has never ever paid child support and rarely visits our daughter anymore.

 

Sometimes it does work out all hunky dory for these couples. As for me and my life... Well I'm still trying to survive by taking any job I can, to keep myself and my daughter alive...!!

[LucreziaBorgia]

Sometimes it does work out all hunky dory for these couples. As for me and my life... Well I'm still trying to survive by taking any job I can, to keep myself and my daughter alive...!!

 

Yes, every once in a while it will work out that way. I am sorry things worked out for you the way they did.

[Crestfallen_KH]

I'm sorry to hear that, too. I know I am lucky in many ways. I actually earn a good living and have no children or property (besides vehicles) yet. I know it could have been much, much more difficult. I can't even imagine trying to keep it together for a child.

 

One thing I keep telling myself is that I can't know what's going on with them. Maybe they aren't happy - maybe they are fighting - maybe they are feeling guilt. I can't know and it's irrelevent to me. And maybe your ex is unhappy too. Even though my husband put on a happy face last time I saw him it might have just been that. After all, I did the same and lord knows I am still feeling sad and like I'm in hell some days.

 

Thanks for the kind words, all. I certainly don't "feel" strong at all. But I am really happy that I have learned so much about myself. I think, in times of crisis, our true character reveals itself and I have nothing to be ashamed of.

 

After all, those murderous thoughts are all confined to my journal and not on the nightly news.

[sarme]

Crestfallen_KH: I'm so sorry for your situation. My situation was very different, in the case of my partner he was not happily married. He was not compatible with her and they were never head over heels in love or was their marriage based on the right things like yours was. I don't understand how a man could leave his partner if things are fine??

I think in your case you got rid of someone who would do this all the time eventually because he obviously feels the need to move on once the honey moon stage is over. Chances are he will do it again when the urge hits him again. I wouldn't bank on them being together forever. It doesn't sound like your man is capable of that.

 

 

Yes, sometimes they do leave for their marriages for their affair partners. Will they be happy? Odds are against it, but stranger things have happened. I'd say your potential for long term happiness is greater than that of two cheaters who end up together - statistically, anyway. They have less than a three percent chance of making it happily to the five year mark.

 

Do they feel guilt? Not right now. Its too soon. Hopefully by the time they do, her BH and you will have both moved on to better things.

 

 

I am going on one year of being with my b/f and we are happy together. We started off as an affair, and he left his W to be with me. This is just not true that these relationships don't work out. I don't know where people get these stats from or why all rels are meassured with the same stick but it's simply not true. They were not happy and he was never in love with her, he had just settled so he is in fact happier with me and it is no optical illusion. His wife will be happier as well because according to what he tells me he gave very little to her emotionally and deprived her of being loved and she should be loved as she should, not in a half way manner. apparently with me he is a changed man, he will go shopping for example, something he loathed doing until he met me.

[Crestfallen_KH]

Well, one of our biggest issues is that he was VERY conflict avoidant. His father would rage and yell, and he physically shrinks to this day when someone yells at him. As a result, he is the type to say "I'm fine" when he's not, because he doesn't want to risk a fight. And I wasn't a raging yeller - but even a slightly raised voice would upset him. This is definitely one of the things I do NOT miss.

 

So, things weren't really fine, but they weren't bad, either. He just wasn't going to express unhappiness and when he found this woman it reignited all of the new relationship feelings and he was gone emotionally. I certainly wasn't perfect either, but I didn't even know he was unhappy (and he claims he didn't really either, and I do believe that due to the fact that he is so disconnected with his emotions) and the first option in his mind was divorce. It just blows my mind. Of course, he's now rewritten history to make me more miserable, needy and unhappy than I was to justify his actions. He really thinks he was so patient and magnanimous with me. I just don't understand how his brain is even working now.

 

He said he would actually consider therapy for himself now. I hope he is able to do the work on himself, but I'm skeptical that will occur while he is getting the temporary fix in his "white knight" situation.

 

sarme, that is the strange thing. He actually told me that he might just be the type to have several long-term relationships in his life but not stay with anyone permanently. I wish I had known that. Of course, before he met me he'd had a whopping two short relationships. I was his first love, his first and only long-term relationship, and the only woman who ever promised to love him forever AND the only woman he's ever broken up with.

 

Wow, writing this just makes me realize how immature he really is. He's so very, very sad...

[sarme]

Who was your source of this information? Him?

 

...and his parents and brother and his wife and his sister, and friends and the lifestyle he was leading when I met him. The only reason we even got close was because he had so much time alone due to his seperate lifestyle with his ex.

 

 

Affairs are NOT love stories. Because they're about lying, cheating, and emotional abuse (of the betrayed spouses). Don't think it isn't so. Denial isn't just a river in Egypt.

 

 

My affair was a love story. Sorry you can't comprehend that. My partner and I found each other, we are soul mates and hope to spend the rest of our lives together. If we don't that's life, any relationship can fail but we intend to because we feel what we always longed for. We have a solid friendship.

 

 

One year? That's not long enough for reality 2 set in.

 

It's long enough for me to know that this man is exactly who I want to be with and vice versa. We are great together. a year is enough time to know what you are getting into and I like what I have gotten myself into.

 

 

The statistics come from people like Dr Willard Harley, who has worked with marriages inflicted by infidelity for over 35 years. Like the statistics say, about 3% do beat the odds and stay 2gether longer than 5 years.

 

oh I see so you are basing a world of cases on some form of stat one doctor made based on what? his patients? his neighbours what? not interested in stats of any form. my reality is my religion. My relationshiop was born from an non-ideal place but it was inevitable, we were meant to be they weren't. It just happens sometimes, accept it. His wife did.

 

 

Again, revisionist his2ry. Have you asked her what her version is? But I do agree, she deserved more than he gave, obviously, because he didn't give enough 2 preserve his marriage. He isn't marriage material.

 

I don't really care what her version is, sorry if that sounds cold but that's what I think. I am with him, not her. People are different with different partners. Some partners bring out the best in you some the worst, I know because I speak from personal experience. He brings out the best in me and vice versa. She didn't. According to his family she never did.

This man did everything he could to be with me, if he really wanted to be with his wife he could have not strayed. He strayed because he was not happy. He strayed because he found true love.

 

If you believe that tripe, I've got some swampland in Florida I'd like 2 sell...

 

Again, his family will back it up, he is a changed man with me. Sorry you can't wrap your small brain around that.

[sarme]

Well, one of our biggest issues is that he was VERY conflict avoidant. His father would rage and yell, and he physically shrinks to this day when someone yells at him. As a result, he is the type to say "I'm fine" when he's not, because he doesn't want to risk a fight. And I wasn't a raging yeller - but even a slightly raised voice would upset him. This is definitely one of the things I do NOT miss.

 

So, things weren't really fine, but they weren't bad, either. He just wasn't going to express unhappiness and when he found this woman it reignited all of the new relationship feelings and he was gone emotionally. I certainly wasn't perfect either, but I didn't even know he was unhappy (and he claims he didn't really either, and I do believe that due to the fact that he is so disconnected with his emotions) and the first option in his mind was divorce. It just blows my mind. Of course, he's now rewritten history to make me more miserable, needy and unhappy than I was to justify his actions. He really thinks he was so patient and magnanimous with me. I just don't understand how his brain is even working now.

 

He said he would actually consider therapy for himself now. I hope he is able to do the work on himself, but I'm skeptical that will occur while he is getting the temporary fix in his "white knight" situation.

 

sarme, that is the strange thing. He actually told me that he might just be the type to have several long-term relationships in his life but not stay with anyone permanently. I wish I had known that. Of course, before he met me he'd had a whopping two short relationships. I was his first love, his first and only long-term relationship, and the only woman who ever promised to love him forever AND the only woman he's ever broken up with.

 

Wow, writing this just makes me realize how immature he really is. He's so very, very sad...

 

 

Wow Crestfallen you did touch up on some issues that very much a problem for me in my current relationship. It is not all fun and games and every relationship has its problems. I do believe people can change in relationships with new partners but there are some things that we carry around with us at our core that we don't change we just manifest over and over again in new relationships. And the one thing that concerns me is this that you brought up about conflict avoidance, my b/f has a big dose of that and I have noticed this in a few occasions when we had arguments .He is very much one to hold things in and I am the complete opposite I need to discuss things to death until I am sure we can move on.

Your ex sounds a lot like my b/f in that respect. We went to therapy together for the first while of our rel since we wanted to do everything right to make things work and given the nature of how our relationship started we needed to iron out the kinks right off the bat. But I feel this is something that we haven't quite ironed out and it does scare me. We are very open with one another he hides nothing from me except for when it comes to him feeling mad or upset about something then he pretty much keeps to himself and I can see when he is being reserved and now know him well enough to understand this but it does worry me that he will hold back some day when I need to know where his brain is most. This is years of him doing things differently so I am not sure this can be reprogrammed .

 

And by the way this "several long-term" comment that he made to yo was his way of saying I don't think I can ever commit again. So consider yourself lucky you got rid of him now, he is going to do this again to other women. He will me smitten and in love enough to want to make a leap for a commitement with the initally and then he will get bored or whatever it is that happens and do the same thing he did to you.

[hurtonceagain]

Ah yes... Remember, though: Believe nothing that you hear and only half of what you see, when dealing with affairees!

 

 

 

You'll get 2 that point. It just takes time.

 

-ol' 2long

 

yes, keep in mind even when they do break up (and they will) your not going to want him back anyway, that reminder sure helps me

[Crestfallen_KH]

sarme - does he also say "I just need some time to process things and think things through before I say something so I don't inadvertently hurt you?"

 

Obviously I have no idea what future you two do or don't have, but I'm so skeptical of conflict avoiders right now. He really feels that is the right way to be and this next time, I'm going to get involved with a man who isn't afraid to say something and dig in with me to solve our problems. I've done a lot of research on this, and I find that conflict avoiders don't change very often so I'm glad he's her problem now. From what I have heard and seen, she is also a conflict avoider too so they two of them should have the most polite, unhappy relationship in the world!

 

hurtonceagain - I agree. I keep telling myself that, too. We had a good relationship and I was a good person. I deserve better.

[Crestfallen_KH]

2long - I guess that's a good point. When I found out about her, I said he needed to leave his job. He refused. Deep down, I was afraid that if I gave him an ultimatum, he would have chosen the job. We never, ever gave one another ultimatums in the relationship so I had myself convinced that I wasn't demanding he cut off all contact with her because of that reason. But, I was also "divorce busting" at the time, and everything I was reading said not to push or put pressure on him about it. Unfortunately, his affair was the love/exit affair variety, so I was doomed from the start. But at the time, I was saying to myself "I may be right, but I do I want my marriage or do I want to be right all the way to divorce court?"

 

I guess I have conflict avoidance issues on some level too. It's just bizarre. I guess you have no assurance with anyone that he/she won't cheat. You just don't. But it seems especially cruel when it happens so quickly and you weren't even really aware there was a problem.

[sarme]

sarme - does he also say "I just need some time to process things and think things through before I say something so I don't inadvertently hurt you?"

 

Obviously I have no idea what future you two do or don't have, but I'm so skeptical of conflict avoiders right now. He really feels that is the right way to be and this next time, I'm going to get involved with a man who isn't afraid to say something and dig in with me to solve our problems. I've done a lot of research on this, and I find that conflict avoiders don't change very often so I'm glad he's her problem now. From what I have heard and seen, she is also a conflict avoider too so they two of them should have the most polite, unhappy relationship in the world!

 

hurtonceagain - I agree. I keep telling myself that, too. We had a good relationship and I was a good person. I deserve better.

 

Wow Crestfallen are we talking about the same man? Just wow!!! He would say to me I need time to think about this and give you a proper response and it used to drive me crazy but then I caught on to the fact that it is how he is so I would go along with it and humour him. But it wasn't until we were in therapy that this came to light and I made it a point to discuss my frustration with him and he is better but not exactly where I would like it to be. I mean the difference in our rel as opposed to his ex marriage is that in the marriage they were both conflict avoiders so they would go for months on end at times ignoring the problems and pretending like everything was fine while living their parallel lives. Then along comes me, who is the complete opposite I have no problem with confrontation and I will get it out if him when things are bothering me or I sense in him something, and he lets me. I see this is a progress and I see it as a promising act because I know I cannot change him but I see that he is willing to make things work for the two of us, in the year alone I have seen prgress so I think that is positive.

 

My concern is will I get tired of being the one always instigating resolution and that is my only hessitation, but otherwise we have a very open channel of communication something he tells me he was not used to at all in his past rel. Perhaps we talk things too much and this will also come out to bite us..time only knows.

 

 

2Long

 

look I have no interest in getting into a bickering match trying to justify to you or anyone for that matter what we have and what it is based on.

I don't need your bout of confidence my choices feel right to me and that's all that matters.

 

When I read your comments I read the misery in your words for your own choices and situation. I'm sorry your wife cheated on you and you chose to stay with her anyway (big mistake in my eyes) but you had a choice don't drag my situation in with yours, they are completely different. I am happy with my choices, are you? This seems to bother you.

 

And please do not even bother telling me I broke up a marriage, because the only people that broke that marriage up were the two people who were involved in it. They had 0 help from me, they allowed their union to deteriorate via neglect and other priorities that were not the marriage so don't even try to tell me I broke them up, it's wasted energy. I had nothing to do with that and don't feel responsible in the least.

 

Lastly when you make a statement on what he and I should have done, also save it because your moral choices are yours and mine are mine. You are not in my shoes therefore your choices do not apply to my life. Try to control your choices, the rest of society works on their own free will.

[Havn_a_life]

[quote=sarme;1361701

 

I don't really care what her version is, sorry if that sounds cold but that's what I think. I am with him, not her. People are different with different partners. Some partners bring out the best in you some the worst, I know because I speak from personal experience. He brings out the best in me and vice versa. She didn't. According to his family she never did.

This man did everything he could to be with me, if he really wanted to be with his wife he could have not strayed. He strayed because he was not happy. He strayed because he found true love.

 

If you believe that tripe, I've got some swampland in Florida I'd like 2 sell...

 

Again, his family will back it up, he is a changed man with me. Sorry you can't wrap your small brain around that.

 

Well, of course the OW doesn't care what the BW thinks. that's why she's able to have sex with her H.

And those inlaws of the BW? Yeah, totally believeable. I'm sure they raised the MM up just right. Sure looks like it.

 

I am with the other poster who said wait about 4 more years and let's see where you are with MM.

[smartgirl]

Well, one of our biggest issues is that he was VERY conflict avoidant. His father would rage and yell, and he physically shrinks to this day when someone yells at him. As a result, he is the type to say "I'm fine" when he's not, because he doesn't want to risk a fight. And I wasn't a raging yeller - but even a slightly raised voice would upset him. This is definitely one of the things I do NOT miss.

 

So, things weren't really fine, but they weren't bad, either. He just wasn't going to express unhappiness and when he found this woman it reignited all of the new relationship feelings and he was gone emotionally. I certainly wasn't perfect either, but I didn't even know he was unhappy (and he claims he didn't really either, and I do believe that due to the fact that he is so disconnected with his emotions) and the first option in his mind was divorce. It just blows my mind. Of course, he's now rewritten history to make me more miserable, needy and unhappy than I was to justify his actions. He really thinks he was so patient and magnanimous with me. I just don't understand how his brain is even working now.

 

He said he would actually consider therapy for himself now. I hope he is able to do the work on himself, but I'm skeptical that will occur while he is getting the temporary fix in his "white knight" situation.

 

sarme, that is the strange thing. He actually told me that he might just be the type to have several long-term relationships in his life but not stay with anyone permanently. I wish I had known that. Of course, before he met me he'd had a whopping two short relationships. I was his first love, his first and only long-term relationship, and the only woman who ever promised to love him forever AND the only woman he's ever broken up with.

 

Wow, writing this just makes me realize how immature he really is. He's so very, very sad...

 

 

First let me say I am so sorry for your situation. I know it is heartbreaking, but you are doing all the right things. I have actually read a lot about guys like your H. They bring issues from their childhood into the marriage, keep quiet, let it destroy the marriage and then move on to do the exact same thing. As LB said, when guys actually leave less than 3% of the second relationships are successful. They will both find that in short order they have simply replicated the problems they had in their first marriages. Infatuation fades. I wish them a rude awakening.

 

He may actually ask to come back after a couple of months. Based on his behavior during this I wouldn't take the bait. I know you invested 5 years, but chalk it up to learning experience and find someone who will participate in the relationship.

[sarme]

He may actually ask to come back after a couple of months. Based on his behavior during this I wouldn't take the bait. I know you invested 5 years, but chalk it up to learning experience and find someone who will participate in the relationship.

 

 

I totally agree with this. In fact I also meant to say this earlier. I bet any money he will come back in a few months. I just don't think things will last with his new relationship because he didn't leave because you had problems or things that lead up to it, he left for "grass is greener" complex. They usually regret it once they get their fill.

 

It is going to be up to you if want to accept him back.

[Crestfallen_KH]

Thanks so much for the support and suggestions, all.

 

I really don't think he's going to come back, so that's probably not going to be an issue. He does seem to be dragging his feet on the divorce thing even though he said he wanted to be divorced by the end of the year so he could file as single and "realize substantial tax savings." But I think that's because he's expecting me to handle it (just like he did with anything that required paperwork or follow up in our marriage). It's a pain the butt to hire someone and figure out all the paperwork, after all. This would normally be something Crestfallen would handle. But, he wants the divorce - he's the cheater - he has two incomes to pull from still - he can pay the fees.

 

And even if he did want to come back, I have a list a mile long of the things he would just simply have to do and he wouldn't be capable of following through--of doing the soul searching and counseling that would be required. So, regardless of what he wants I'VE already made the decision. (Which has helped me feel a sense of control again in a situation that has made me feel so utterly at his mercy and helpless). He's just simply not worthy of my mind, my body or my love anymore.