LoveLace Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 I see I'm not the only one 'round here. The weekend was challenging for me. However, I enjoyed the time to myself and time to think. I resisted all urges to call Marty but the urge gets stronger and more constant as time goes along. I re-decor'd my bedroom over the weekend and I wanted so bad to call and tell him how awesome it looked...so it definitely occupied me, but until after I was done. I thought about everything, and I've concluded the reason I'm sitting here sad is really all because of me. All the pressure got to me - the pressure to balance having a BF with the rest of my life. And I didn't hide it well with Marty around, so he saw the most stressed side of me too soon. I think it prompted him to want space and to think more about his Ex as well. We're both at fault for things and it could've been handled better; but initially it was me that caused everything to go from fantastic to BLAH. I wish I would have paid more attention when he 1st started acting strange, instead of just blowing it off...well I did try to talk to him then, but I didn't get an explanation because well, he was about to get laid at the time! Then I failed to address it more seriously later. Then he went back home, and communication got twisted and unfriendly. I hate that the last of interactions went that way. I'm hoping so much for the chance to tell him how and why the time away has been good for me...but getting worried I won't have that chance. I'm starting to think he went out over the weekend and probably met someone else already; and if he thinks I could have done the same...I'm thinking it doesn't bother him as much. I think if he missed me he would have called by now...even though we're only a week into this "break". I'm sad today...help!
starlite Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 You are not alone, it was a tough weekend for me as well. My bf and I had our final money matter straightened out. I am having a rough day too and I have also been asking myself, if i changed, could it work...was it my fault, did i just overreact to the lies and his going out etc???? STOP! It is just torturous and not true. Think about his faults. I should have read one of your past posts to remind me of what your situation is, but if something happend between him and an ex...he is an adult!!!!! You did not do that, he did and he is a jerk for it. Try and stay strong. Good for you for not calling. Call a friend instead!!! I wish you the best!
Spinderella Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 I went through this a few weeks ago, well, it only recently ended, and really he was not a good person for me. I knew it, deep down and thats why I wasnt a very good partner to him. So I can tell you with 100% confidence that this is just one of the many post break up phases. I'm not saying you didnt do anything wrong, but, if I even began to question myself, when I knew he wasnt for me, then it really is something that everyone goes through.
Author LoveLace Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 That must be hard Starlite...it really helps that I'm not alone too! But, nothing happened with Ex, however their final divorce trial is coming up and I think that he realized he'd be seeing her and started saying he sometimes wishes he could be with her one more time, etc...and he saw the hurt look on my face when he said it; and he was sorry but it doesn't matter now. The point is, he didn't start acting this way until after I had started to let all my stress shine through and snapped at him a couple of times. Until then he was calling me his soul mate. I"m actually now starting to think he was partially using his divorce situation as an excuse to get away from the crabby b*tch that I was being. Spinderella, in my case he is very good for me...and I took it for granite. He knows how busy my schedule is with school and work, etc., so when he said "lets just take a break for now"...(after I gave him the option to just totally break up)..I'm wondering if he just realizes I didn't mean to let my stress effect him, and he's giving me the space I need to concentrate on nursing school and not so much on him; he realized that I can't make him as big of a priority as I'd like; and he didn't want to be a cause of me feeling so overwhelmed. If this is the case, he was right....because I feel so much better without all the pressure. I just wish I knew what he was thinking and what's going to happen. I also wonder if he's tried to text me, cuz he doesn't know that I got rid of text messaging on my phone. If he thought I was ignoring him, he wouldn't call then right?
Spinderella Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 I wasnt suggesting that he wasnt good for you, just answering your original question, that yes, if even I went through this, about my ex, then its definetly one of the post break up phases. It doesnt sound like you have communicated well with each other. If you feel that you pushed him away, perhaps just write to him explaining that, and apologising, without asking for anything.
Author LoveLace Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 I wasnt suggesting that he wasnt good for you, just answering your original question, that yes, if even I went through this, about my ex, then its definetly one of the post break up phases. It doesnt sound like you have communicated well with each other. If you feel that you pushed him away, perhaps just write to him explaining that, and apologising, without asking for anything. I've thought about doing that, or even just leaving my thoughts on his voice mail...I don't know what would be better.
norajane Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 I've thought about doing that, or even just leaving my thoughts on his voice mail...I don't know what would be better. NO, no thoughts on voice mail!! If you can't talk to him directly, don't bother trying to communicate a complicated thought on voice mail! You know that just leaves you hanging wondering what he's thinking, wondering if you said it right, wondering if he understood, and then wishing you had said something more or something else. Email might be better, because you can at least take the time to be thorough and make sure you express what you truly want to express. However, that still leaves you with wondering and questions because it is still a one-sided communication, because tone and emphasis cannot be heard in email, and there is something very permanent about written words that you can't take back. YOUR questions won't be answered if you write an email...like, what if he doesn't write back? Still, it's much better than voice mail. Have you considered just calling him and talking to him?
Author LoveLace Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 Your right about the voice mail Nora...I actually say that under the assumption that I would get his voice mail, since I don't expect that he would answer. And I don't want to just leave a message like "Hey call me"...or "Hey I want to talk to you"...we all know how that goes. Don't want him to think "Why is she calling? We're supposed to be on a break!"...so maybe writing is better...I express better that way. But I think it's pretty rare for him to check his Yahoo mail and it's the only address I have for him. After a while with no response, I might start to think he never got the message or something. But if I mail a letter to his home...I'd feel more certain that he got it and read it. Otherwise, yes of course I'd love to call and talk to him...but I don't know that he wants that yet or ever.
Spinderella Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 You could always try good old fashioned snail mail
Author LoveLace Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 You could always try good old fashioned snail mail You mean mailing it to him? That's what I was talking about doing already...?
sedgwick Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 Please don't blame yourself! I'm doing the same thing -- I got dumped because I'm not a musician, and I've been beating myself up for not being one ever since. I had started banjo lessons shortly before my ex and I met, and then ended up quitting because I got asked to join a dance company. I've been beating myself up for quitting, telling myself that if I'd just kept on he wouldn't have left me. How crazy is that? The fact of the matter is that your ex had the bad manners to tell you he still thought about being with his ex. That is not only completely hurtful and disrespectful to you, it also points to his having issues that have nothing to do with you. Okay, and now it's crazy English major time: it's "for granted." Granite is a rock. (Don't hate me, I'm massively OCD about language!)
Author LoveLace Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 Sedgwick - I see where your coming from...but dumping someone because they are not a musician is pretty shallow! When Marty spoke of his Ex I don't think he meant for it to hurt me at all...he was just thinking out loud and I think he was just trying to be honest.
Author LoveLace Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 I wish I could email him...but he like, NEVER checks his yahoo mail...then I realized I still have his business card with his work email address on it. It's probably email used strictly for work stuff..right? ..hmm...most people I know use work email for recreational use as well...would it be wrong to email him at work?
AshleighVB Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 Hey LoveLace. I don't think you should e-mail him yet. When's the divorce trial? I'd steer clear of the work e-mail. Perhaps you should wait a little longer. You'll feel better if you do. Reading your posts makes me feel better - you gave him the option of a break up and he chose a break. My BF did the same thing. Let's stick it out a little longer and see what they do!! Don't beat yourself up too much. Even though my BF admitted to me that he is confused about his feelings for me and this is pretty much all his fault, I still find myself looking for reasons that I might have screwed it up so that I have an excuse to try to fix it... Make sure that's not what you're doing before you make any spur-of-the-moment decisions to contact him yet. Hang in there. It sucks, I know!
melodymatters Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 NO ! no work e-mail ! I like the idea of the snail mail letter, maybe in a card saying something pleasant but innocous, like "hope your well" ( the card, not the letter you put in it !) That is a gesture of friendship, but not pushy, and won't possibly be read by the company ( or reach him in the middle of the day when he's stressed from work, everyone loves getting REAL mail these days though because it's so rare) Run the letter by me and nora before you send it though !!!
Spinderella Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 You mean mailing it to him? That's what I was talking about doing already...? Whoops. Sorry.
Author LoveLace Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 NO ! no work e-mail ! I like the idea of the snail mail letter, maybe in a card saying something pleasant but innocous, like "hope your well" ( the card, not the letter you put in it !) That is a gesture of friendship, but not pushy, and won't possibly be read by the company ( or reach him in the middle of the day when he's stressed from work, everyone loves getting REAL mail these days though because it's so rare) Good to hear from you Ashleigh!! Thank you for your support...that's what this is like..a support group...I might go insane without it... Run the letter by me and nora before you send it though !!!.... Will do. Ok yea what was I thinking about work e-mail...ugh!! You know, the only thing that really makes me want to jump on this is worrying that he's meeting women, or has tried to text me but felt ignored because he doesn't know I got rid of it texting. My patience is always cool until I have these thoughts. Melody the card idea crossed my mind. But I could also mail his book and DVD back to him with the letter instead. That way he knows I"m not sending them back because I'm saying it's over. Here's what I worked on today: [sIZE=3][FONT=Arial (W1)]I wanted you to have these things, and also to say this time away has been good for me; I hope the same goes for you. I no longer feel the pressure that I once did, to equally balance everything that I want in life. I’d never felt that kind of stress before and didn’t know what to do about it. I hope you forgive me for having you in that position, plus some. [/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Arial (W1)][/FONT] [FONT=Arial (W1)][sIZE=3]I’ve enjoyed time to myself though think of you often, which makes me smile. I fixed my bedroom up and re decorated, you would hardly recognize it! I also did a girls-night in ….what a fascinating place! I thought of you for sure…I’m a bit regretful that I’ve only gotten to visit you once…I think cruising the back roads is some of the most fun I’ve had with you! So yes, things are well and I might even get to work part-time for a while, as my roommate is getting a big raise and said he would help me out. We will see![/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial (W1)][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Arial (W1)][/FONT] [FONT=Arial (W1)][sIZE=3]I hope life is treating you right! I don’t think a chat sometimes would hurt anything as long as both are open and honest. I want for you to do what ever feels right for you at this point, and always. I know your still getting through what was a rough experience for you. I hope that time will bring you the ability to really let go and find true happiness.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial (W1)][/FONT] [FONT=Arial (W1)][sIZE=3]But I wanted to convey that this time has allowed me to think more clearly now. I am sorry for any behavior on my part…but it went from “soul mates” to saying you want to be with your wife again overnight. That was hard and almost hurtful as though I deserved it.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial (W1)][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Arial (W1)]We are both guilty of bringing other things into this. We are both guilty of talking too much about the future, instead of just playing things by ear. It’s ok that you questioned it, because I did too. However I feel the same as I did the day I met you, the fact that you are fun, funny, real and smart. [/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Arial (W1)][/FONT] [FONT=Arial (W1)][sIZE=3]P.S. In case you’ve tried to text with no response, I got a new cell phone without the texting feature…just in case you thought I was ignoring![/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial (W1)][/FONT] [FONT=Arial (W1)][sIZE=3]Sincerely,[/sIZE][/FONT]
Author LoveLace Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 Sorry that came out all screwy - looking...it's only a rough draft...and I think if I send it I'm going to try and wait a couple more days..but after that I don't think I can just be silent anymore...
melodymatters Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 Yeah LL, your situation ended " weird", going from soulmates to NC in such a short time. I understand the need to clarify things and especially in light of the fact that you can't even get texts anymore. But remember with letters, especially female to male letters, less is more. When you have something you're happy with, edit a third of it out and THEN send it ! good luck and keep us ud to date !
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