Author I'mSoSad Posted October 17, 2007 Author Posted October 17, 2007 so is there a way to do the NC bit??? or do I just stop taking her calls and making any to her and thats it ... shouldn't there be a face to face meeting to end it??? nothing???
whichwayisup Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 You tell her that it is best for YOU that you two not keep intouch anymore. The A is over and you two cannot be friends. Just tell her this and that you can't handle 'just' a friendship with her. It isn't fair to be around someone who you love and can't have, so for your own sake, stay away from her. LET her know that you won't be calling her back, answering her emails, text messages...Goodbye is goodbye forever. Then, you go NC and stick to it. She has chosen to go back to her husband so therefore there is no room in her life for you.
TryingToHeal3 Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 Leave her alone. She is married and you were a boy toy. Accept this and find someone without a ring on their finger.
brothermartin Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 Its a tough break man, but you're feeling used because you were. If there is anything I've figured out about women in all these years, its that women can be very fickled (sorry ladies). She did use you. If anything you should be more pi**ed off than hurt. Use that anger to your advantage in getting over her.
whichwayisup Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 I've figured out about women in all these years, its that women can be very fickled (sorry ladies). She did use you. If anything you should be more pi**ed off than hurt. Use that anger to your advantage in getting over her. This isn't gender specific. ANY married person who cheats on their spouse has that quality. They use (not malciously but SELFISHLY) the OM/OW to their benefit.
Author I'mSoSad Posted October 24, 2007 Author Posted October 24, 2007 we talked on tuesday last week when she had called me ... after that I tried calling her twice for the nc bit but she wouldnt take my calls for two days and then she called me and just said to stop calling her which is all good ... this was last week thursday ... so now we seem to be in nc for a week today and it feels lousy ... I got off work early today and instead of going home like a good boy I hung out near her office for 3 hours even though I couldnt see her car there but I just hung out ... on the way back home in traffic I was feeling very irritated with myself for doing what I did do and hanging out like that when I know I'm supposed to be doing nc ... whats wrong with me??? I cant stop thinking about her even though I'm trying ...
whichwayisup Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 NC not only means No contact but it also means not waiting for her for hours, hoping to catch a glimpse. Distract yourself! GET busy! Join a gym, hang with guy friends and DO stuff. Choosing to hang out near her office is a big mistake. If she sees you, sitting in your car she is going to feel like you're stalking her! Respect her wishes and leave her alone, and respect yourself too...
reboot Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 If she sees you, sitting in your car she is going to feel like you're stalking her! Respect her wishes and leave her alone, and respect yourself too...And if she really starts feeling stalked, don't be surprised when you get slapped with a restraining order. Wake up. This woman does not feel the same way you do.
Author I'mSoSad Posted October 24, 2007 Author Posted October 24, 2007 I'm trying to wake up ... its just so damned hard ... actually its not that hard but somehow my insides are not cooperating with my head ... a restraining order against me sounds funny ... I'm angry enough to want everything to blow up in her face ... I know its not healthy to think that way ... just how I feel at this time ... I just need a break from her and I seem to have got it ... just have to stick with this ... I only did that hanging out this once ... going to make sure it doesnt happen again ... felt like quite a fool on my way back home ... dont need more of that again ...
whichwayisup Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 By ignoring her request for NC, and waiting for her outside her office IS creepy, man. That to her feels threatening...Even if your intentions aren't threatening, she doesn't know that...Don't go looking for her again. Look, if you're having trouble coping and you're angry, wanting this to blow up in her face, seek some counselling! Go talk to a professional who can help you cope with all this...Otherwise, you're going to do something you're gonna regret for the rest of your life. Bottomline is, she's married! And that ain't gonna change. Deal with the reality here, get some help so you can move on and find a (single) woman worthy of your love and affection.
Bobby NoBrains Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 You've taken two steps forward and one step back. But it's still moving forward at the end of the day. You're maintaining NC which is good. Try to think less of her. Every time thoughts of her enter your mind, think about something else, something pleasant not connected with her. Soon it will become a habit and you will be able to do it without any problems. And if she really starts feeling stalked, don't be surprised when you get slapped with a restraining order. Wake up. This woman does not feel the same way you do. That is so correct. Please avoid repetition of such behaviour like hanging out for three hours outside her office. Such behaviour could be considered as stalking even though that may not have been on your mind. It would have been better to just call her if you got that desperate. You are prolly still feeling rejected and this is just an attempt to stir up some feelings inside her. But the best solution for you is to not get desperate at all, and maintain NC. If she wants out of the relationship, make a choice to not force her to be with you, because you have no right to force her to be with you. Getting angry is good, use that anger to get over her. Wishing her harm is bad. Come on, you were in this as well, it wasn't all her fault. Maybe she realized late that what she was doing was wrong. But she did realize, and she has every right to try to correct her behaviour. Wishing bad things on her is not going to help you heal, it will only give you deeper scars for having harmed someone you cared for. It's best you get over her and move on with your life. Think of her as a nice episode or even as an ugly one in your life. But move on. Bottomline is, she's married! And that ain't gonna change. Deal with the reality here, get some help so you can move on and find a (single) woman worthy of your love and affection.Those words are so correct. You seem to be a nice guy. Stop running after someone who doesn't want you, and start looking for someone who does Good luck and God bless. Just my two bits .. Bobby
MrsHellnoFire Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 hi ... been reading the site for a few days now ... heres my story ... a few months ago I met a wonderful woman late 20s (I'm early 30s guy) ... there was huge chemistry ... we would talk on the phone all the time and ended up in an emotional affair and semi-physical (kissed & petted) affair ... a few weeks in she told me she was married but we still did what we did ... we were spending every free minute we could on the phone and even meeting every couple weeks ... after 6 months she suddenly told me she wanted to make a go at her relationship with her husband because she was not able to get rid of the guilt etc ... basically she dumped me and said we should be friends ... now it's over 45 days since that time ... now she is avoiding any kind of intimacy with me including less phone calls no meetings not even calling each other sweet names like before ... nothing ... just don't know what to do to get her back ... there just has to be some way right ... just feeling so sad and depressed ... what can I do to make it better??? how can I get her back??? i think you should let her make the decision to come back to you on her own. she is trying to work out her marriage and you have to respect that. i know it's really tough but that's why it's a precarious situation when married people are involved. dont be a pest either. the more you call, the more she gets annoyed and knows you are in her back pocket in case Plan A goes awry. let her go stir crazy by trying to keep a high level of control over yourself and refrain from making any contact. really this will be best emotionally for you in the long run anyways. you need to keep yourself occupied with something.
Ariadne Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 Hi, Watch the movie Dangerous Liasons for inspiration. Here is part of the dialogue. Valmont is seducing a married woman. Ariadne ----------------------- Vicomte Sébastien de Valmont and Madame Marie de Tourvel: (intercepts her in a garden walk) I trust you slept well, Madame. I wish I could say that I had. > I thought the least I could hope for was that you would respect me. But I do, of course I do! > You've offended me deeply. It's unforgivable. This confirms everything I've been told about you. I'm beginning to think you may have planned the whole exercise. I had no idea you were staying here. Not that it would have disturbed me in the slightest if I had known. You see, until I met you, I had only ever experienced desire. Love never. > That's enough. No, no, you've made an accusation. You must allow me the opportunity to defend myself. I'm not going to deny that I was aware of your beauty, but the point is, this has nothing to do with your beauty. As I got to know you, I began to realize that beauty was the least of your qualities. I became fascinated by your goodness. I was drawn in by it. I didn't understand what was happening to me. It was only when I began to feel actual physical pain every time you left the room that it finally dawned on me. I was in love. For the first time in my life I knew it was hopeless but that didn't matter to me. It's not that I want to have you, all I want is to deserve you. Tell me what to do. Show me how to behave. I'll do anything you say. > Very well, then. I would like you to leave this house. I don't see why that should be necessary. > Let's just say you've spent your whole life making it necessary. And if you refuse, I shall be forced to leave myself. Well then, of course, whatever you say. > Thank you. Perhaps I might be so bold as to ask a favour in return? I think it would only be just to let me know which of your friends has blackened my name. > If friends of mine have warned me against you I could hardly reward them with betrayal. I must say you devalue your generous offer if you want to use it as a bargaining point. Very well, I withdraw the request. I hope you won't think I'm bargaining if I ask you to let me write to you. And I pray that you will do me the kindness of answering my letters. > I'm not sure a correspondence with you is something a woman of honour could permit herself. So you're determined to refuse my suggestions, however respectable. > I didn't say that. And you'd rather be injust than risk showing me a touch of kindness? > I would welcome the chance to prove to you that what lies behind this is not hatred or resentment but-- But what? -------------------------- Why are you so angry with me? > All I can offer you is my friendship. Can't you accept it? I could pretend to, but that would be dishonest. The man I used to be would have been content with friendship and then set about trying to turn it to his advantage. But I have changed now. I can't conceal from you that I love you tenderly, passionately, and above all, respectfully. > (she walks away) So how am I to demote myself to the tepid position of friend? Not that you are even pretending to show friendship. > What do you mean? Well, is this friendly? > Why must you deliberately destroy my peace of mind? You were wrong to feel threatened by me, Madame. Your happiness is far more important to me than my own. That is what I mean when I say that I love you. > I think we should end this conversation. I shall leave you in possession of the field. But look. We are to be living under the same roof, at least for a few days. Surely we don't have to try to avoid each other? > Of course not. Provided you adhere to my few simple rules. I shall obey you in this as in everything. > Monsieur... What? > Nothing. --------------------------- (waiting by her bedroom door) I very much missed our walk today. > Yes. I fear with the weather as it is, we can look forward to very few more of them. > This heavy rain is surely exceptional. Yes, may I? (looks inside her room) > Of course. (hmmm) But, you see, within a week I shall have concluded my business. > I see. Even so, I am not sure I will be able to bring myself to leave. > Oh, please. You must. Are you still so anxious to be rid of me? > You know the answer to that. I rely on your integrity and generosity. I want to be greatful to you. Forgive me if I say I do not want your gratitude. What I want from you is something altogether deeper. > I know God is punishing me for my pride. I was so certain this could never happen. Nothing like what? Do you mean love? Is love what you mean? > You promised not to speak of it. Yes, of course, I understand, but I must know. > I can't, don't you understand? It's impossible. You don't have to speak. Just look at me. > (drooly eyes) Yes... (kisses her on her neck) > (knees down and holds his leg crying) For God's sake, you must leave me if you don't want to kill me. You must help... (Picks her up, carries her to her bed, opens her dress, holds her breasts, goes to kiss her and stops right before their lips touch) > (she's embarrassed) (walks to the door and tells the maid) Fetch Madame, Madame de Tourvel has been taken ill. ----------------------- When I have, as you said, insulted you when you have treated me with an unqualified contempt. You run away from my aunt's house in the middle of the night. You refuse to answer or even receive my letters. And all this, after I have shown a restraint of which I think we are both aware. I would call that, at the very least, contempt. > I'm sure you understand me bettern than you prented to. It was me you ran away from, wasn't it? > I had to leave. And do you have to keep away from me?! I am as unhappy as you could have ever wanted me to be. > I have only wanted your happiness. How can I be happy without you? I must have you, or die. Death it is. I'm sorry madame. All I wanted from this meeting was your forgiveness for the wrongs that you think that I have done to you. So that I may end my days in some peace of mind. > I understood you approved of the choice my duty has compelled me to make. Yes. And your choice has determined mine. > Which is what? The only choice capable of putting an end to my suffering. > What do you mean? I love you. You have no idea how much. Just remember I have made the most difficult sacrifices than the one I am about to make. Now... goodbye. > No! You must listen to me! No! (turns back and kisses her) Why should you be so upset by the idea of making me happy? (carries her to bed) > You are right. I cannot live either unless I make you happy. So I promise, no more refusals, and no more regrets. (passionate scenes)
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