I'mSoSad Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 hi ... been reading the site for a few days now ... heres my story ... a few months ago I met a wonderful woman late 20s (I'm early 30s guy) ... there was huge chemistry ... we would talk on the phone all the time and ended up in an emotional affair and semi-physical (kissed & petted) affair ... a few weeks in she told me she was married but we still did what we did ... we were spending every free minute we could on the phone and even meeting every couple weeks ... after 6 months she suddenly told me she wanted to make a go at her relationship with her husband because she was not able to get rid of the guilt etc ... basically she dumped me and said we should be friends ... now it's over 45 days since that time ... now she is avoiding any kind of intimacy with me including less phone calls no meetings not even calling each other sweet names like before ... nothing ... just don't know what to do to get her back ... there just has to be some way right ... just feeling so sad and depressed ... what can I do to make it better??? how can I get her back???
reboot Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 You can't. And you shouldn't try. She's married. She made a lifetime commitment to someone else. If you really care about her and she's trying to fix her marriage, you should let her do it. Sorry to be blunt, and I know you're in pain and all, but you have no status at all in her life. You were just someone she needed to feel better about herself for whatever reason. Now she's done. You didn't know she was married at first, so don't beat yourself up, but now you do. Move on, find a nice single girl to give your love to.
Tony T Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 If you truly care about this lady, please have respect for her wishes to get rid of her guilt and work on her marriage. I have never thought people should put a great deal of effort into pursuing someone who is married and wants to be that way. I'm sure you understood going in that it couldn't be a forever thing. Perhaps some counseling to get you through the pain would help. You may also have some abandonment issues since this situation was surely to get you to this point. Find out why you are attracted to women who are basically unavailable to you long term. Please always analyze your dating situations carefully and think them through...with all the possibilities. I don't think you will get many people on this forum to formulate a plan for you to get back a woman who is married to someone else.
OWoman Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 I just don't know what to do to get her back ... there just has to be some way right ... I'm just feeling so sad and depressed ... what can I do to make it better??? how can I get her back??? ISS, first off you have to accept that that may not be possible. That perhaps it really is over, and that there may be no future. As long as you cling to the "it must be possible" notion, you're going to be beating yourself up about not doing enough, not MAKING it happen. This woman is her own person, with her own choices to make and her own life. She can't be MADE to choose or decide or feel something. She will either choose it for herself, or she won't. If she's chosen to make a go of her M, you need to respect that and let her get on with it. Things will either work out for her, or they won't. That's not your call to make, but hers. If she does decide to get back with you, it's not going to because you're begging her, or trying to persuade her, or forcing her to do so. It will be because she's decided that her M is not salvageable, or because she wants an OM on the side. If she wants an OM, but not to leave her M, you'll need to decide if you're prepared to settle for that role, or if you want something full-time. But that's a big IF. For now, her decision is to choose to work on her M, and you have to back off and let her do that. And you have to accept that that decision may be the one she sticks with. When women say, "let's be friends", it's often (or mostly) short-hand for "you're a nice guy and I don't want to come across as totally heartless in dumping you outright, so I'll try to soften the blow". But... you've been dumped. It doesn't mean you're in a holding pattern where she might pick up the phone and any moment and call you in again. It means, she's moving and you need to think about doing that too. Maybe she will change her mind, down the track. Maybe one day she'll wake up and realise you are the love of her life, and dump her H and call you up to ride off into the sunset. Maybe. But it's pretty unlikely and unless you're prepared to hang around like a saddo on the off-chance that one day that will happen, you need to consider your own life, what you want and where you want to go.
whichwayisup Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 You can't get her back as she was never yours to begin with. The affair was a mistake, she knows this and that's why she's ended it. She's chosen to work on her marriage... You can't be friends with her at all. You know this...At your age, you know you cannot be friends with someone you've recently been intimate with. Please, do yourself a favour and leave her alone, heal yourself. I know this is easier said than done, but you're wasting your time on this married woman. She isn't going to leave her husband, and it was a big mistake to allow this to happen with you. The affair was a symptom of something missing in her marriage, selfishly, she reached out to you.
Bobby NoBrains Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 Sorry about your pain. I just had a thread where women in a similar situation suggested that you just be strong and let it go. It should apply to men also I don't know how to link it, but go look for it, it's under "Should you let them go" in this forum itself. Just my two bits .. Bobby
bunset Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 ISS, I'm sorry you're hurting. This is almost always a difficult situation. If you do care for her, then you want her to be happy with or without you. She has asked to allowed to alleviate her guilt by working on her M. That is probably very difficult if you remain in contact with her. If you give her the gift of your understanding, she can make a go at improving her state-of-mind. If she knows where you are, and her efforts fall short, there's a good chance she might seek you out again when/if she if free to do so.
Author I'mSoSad Posted October 16, 2007 Author Posted October 16, 2007 all everyone is saying is let it go ... but this is so unfair ... it's not like I forced her into anything ... she wanted me as much as I wanted her and still do ... the passion and intensity was huge ... how can everything just go away??? ... dont I get a say in anything??? I feel so angry and used ... why the f*** did she go out with me if she didnt want me in the first place??? how can she just stop like this one fine day??? isnt there anything I can do???
OWoman Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 all everyone is saying is let it go ... but this is so unfair ... it's not like I forced her into anything ... she wanted me as much as I wanted her and still do ... the passion and intensity was huge ... how can everything just go away??? ... dont I get a say in anything??? I feel so angry and used ... why the f*** did she go out with me if she didnt want me in the first place??? how can she just stop like this one fine day??? isnt there anything I can do??? ISS, even if she intended her actions in the way you're reading them (and that's a moot point) she does have the right to change her mind at any point. "Going out with" someone isn't an indication of, or a commitment to, anything longer-term than just what it is in that very moment. Think about what you're saying here, that's the kind of logic that means a guy who takes a girl out has a right to have sex with her because that's what she signalled by agreeing to go out - IOW, date rape doesn't exist as a concept. I'm sure that's not what you're meaning, but your line of thinking implies that you thought you were ENTITLED to some kind of commitment or follow up from her - in your words, "don't I get a say in anything???" Actually no, you don't. It's her choice. You have to deal with that.
Author I'mSoSad Posted October 16, 2007 Author Posted October 16, 2007 thanks for writing in ... didn't mean that she would have to have sex with me ... just thought she wanted a relationship with me not just fun and games for a bit ... and we spoke the L word to each other more than a few times isnt that a commitment??? I dont want to sound like an idiot but come on how can it just be all fun and games for 6 months??? why would she play with me for so long without some feelings??? I dont even know how to ask the questions here ... I guess she can change her mind but then dont I have a right to try to get her back??? or shouldnt I bother about this at all like everyone says???
OWoman Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 and we spoke the L word to each other more than a few times isnt that a commitment??? I dont want to sound like an idiot but come on how can it just be all fun and games for 6 months??? why would she play with me for so long without some feelings??? I dont even know how to ask the questions here ... I guess she can change her mind but then dont I have a right to try to get her back??? or shouldnt I bother about this at all like everyone says??? ISS I'm not suggesting she didn't have feelings - she may well have done, only she can answer that honestly. But she probably has feelings for her husband too, and the commitment she feels towards him - aside from any paper contract - has to be balanced against any commitment she may have felt towards you. On having a "right" to try to get her back - it's not an entitlement, but it is a choice, and of course a choicer you're free to make. But what I guess everyone here is trying to tell you is that that might not be the smartest move. She's made a choice. it might be a wrong choice, it might be a right choice, but it's her choice and she's made it. If you go after her now she's likely to feel you're not respecting her choice. She's likely to think you're being clingy, and that that's not what she wants in someone. It's likely to backfire in your face, and LESSEN any chances you have of getting together with her again. It's also likely to lead to further frustration for you as she'll either be very direct, and that might hurt; or she'll try to soften the blow and that might offer false hope and keep you hanging around hopefully when she's moving on. ISS, I think the signals she's sending you are clear. She's made her choice. You need to make yours, and we're all hoping you'll make one that's good for you, not one that's going to lead you to more pain.
imstunned Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 ISS - I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. I'm in the thick of it too having just discovered that I'm not the only woman in somebodys life but the other woman. I'm still trying to come to terms with it and it hurts like hell. The people on here have given me very good advice, and are doing the same for you. Its a horrible position to be put in, but there is little you can do at the moment but respect her decision. I have no doubt she has feeling for you, but at the moment her feelings for her husband etc would appear to be stonger. I'm sure she didnt mean to "play" with you - dont think of it like that as it wont help you. But do try to take a step back and give her the space she needs. At the very least if you want a chance to be with her I would say this is your best shot, and if that dosent happen then perhaps as that reality sinks in you may find you have moved on a little. x
whichwayisup Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 all everyone is saying is let it go ... but this is so unfair ... it's not like I forced her into anything ... she wanted me as much as I wanted her and still do ... the passion and intensity was huge ... how can everything just go away??? ... dont I get a say in anything??? I feel so angry and used ... why the f*** did she go out with me if she didnt want me in the first place??? how can she just stop like this one fine day??? isnt there anything I can do??? If one chooses to enter an affair with a married person, the fallout, the pain and the confusion is what goes along with it. Affairs are painful for everyone involved, even more so for the innocent ones - aka - Her spouse and children.
whichwayisup Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 I guess she can change her mind but then dont I have a right to try to get her back??? In your heart she may have been yours, but in reality, she never was yours to begin with, so I hate to say this, but you don't have a right to get her back. All you can do is go NC and maybe if she is that miserable in her marriage, she'll end it and someday hook up with you again. Just dont sit and wait for that to happen...Use the NC to heal yourself, and grieve the loss.
Romantic Warrior Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 Hey ISS. I have the same situation...having a hard time turning my back on what I feel is something that wont happen twice...both of us feel that way but she is to afraid to change a life she has known for 8 years and has chosen to play the push-pull game instead of face it. Yesterday I finally realized that if I dont let her go then I wll never truly have her. Ignoring a call from the woman that stole my heart is harder than anything I have ever done... I hope you find a way to cope and get through...I will post with whatever I find that helps...
Author I'mSoSad Posted October 17, 2007 Author Posted October 17, 2007 thanks for the replies ... youre saying she was never mine to begin with I dunno ... I thought we had a commitment to each other because we said the L word more than a few times to each other and that still feels like a commitment to me ... I dont know where it would have led but I wasnt expecting to get dumped like this until the relationship had run its course ... not saying only I could do the dumping but I wasnt expecting it now like this ... being rejected for the husband feels shi77y especially after you were chosen instead of him in the first place ... I dont know if I am making sense ... I dont see how letting her go is going to get her back at all ... I dont even know if I should be fighting for her but I want to ... isnt there anything I can do??? I miss her like crazy ... her voice her touch everything is driving me insane with hurt that she would just switch off like that ... how can someone just switch off like that??? where have all the feelings gone??? where has the love gone???
reboot Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 I thought we had a commitment to each other because we said the L word more than a few times to each other and that still feels like a commitment to meAnd the vows she said to her husband weren't a commitment? You don't suppose she said (and probably continues to say) the L word to her husband more than a few times? I dont know where it would have led but I wasnt expecting to get dumped like this until the relationship had run its courseThis is the typical end to an affair. Read some threads here. Even if whe were to leave her husband the odds of the two of you winding up together aren't real good. being rejected for the husband feels shi77yCan you imagine how HE feels. How their CHILDREN feel? No, you're way too wrapped up in yourself for that. I dont see how letting her go is going to get her back at allYou don't let her go to get her back, you let her go cause it's what she wants (and is the right thing on top of that) isnt there anything I can do???Yes, find a nice single girl. where have all the feelings gone??? where has the love gone???Back where they belong.
Author I'mSoSad Posted October 17, 2007 Author Posted October 17, 2007 lol that made me laugh ... but theres no kids involved so ... I dunno ... just feel like either she shouldnt have responded to me or if she did then she should of stuck with it ... feel kind of used and abused ... I understand what youre saying that she was cheating but shouldnt that have been thought about first before doing anything with me??? why just decide halfway into something that you didnt want to play anyway??? :( its just cruel ... to me and to her husband but I'm thinking about myself not him ...
Author I'mSoSad Posted October 17, 2007 Author Posted October 17, 2007 gah now that makes me feel like I'm not a very good person but that's really not how I am ... I'm a decent bloke and I didnt plan on things to happen this way ...
reboot Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 lol that made me laugh ... but theres no kids involved so ... I dunno ... just feel like either she shouldnt have responded to me or if she did then she should of stuck with it ... feel kind of used and abused ... I understand what youre saying that she was cheating but shouldnt that have been thought about first before doing anything with me??? why just decide halfway into something that you didnt want to play anyway??? :( its just cruel ... to me and to her husband but I'm thinking about myself not him ... gah now that makes me feel like I'm not a very good person but that's really not how I am ... I'm a decent bloke and I didnt plan on things to happen this way ... You haven't said anything so far that would make me label you a "bad person". I disagree with what you did, and what you want to do, but that's probably moreso because I am the husband in your situation (whoa, don't freak out, I didn't mean literally ). You may not want to believe this, but all the advice you're getting is FOR YOU, not her. If she truely has decided to work on her marriage, and you try to interfere, you're opening yourself up to far more pain than you're in already. And take heart, I can tell you from experience, her husband (assuming he knows about this, and from her actions, I think that's a safe asumption) gives serious thought every day to sending her back to you. By the way, just in case the above scenerio was to occur, you do realize there's a very good chance that someone that cheated with you will cheat on you? Food for thought.
whichwayisup Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 lol that made me laugh ... but theres no kids involved so ... I dunno ... just feel like either she shouldnt have responded to me or if she did then she should of stuck with it ... feel kind of used and abused ... I understand what youre saying that she was cheating but shouldnt that have been thought about first before doing anything with me??? why just decide halfway into something that you didnt want to play anyway??? :( its just cruel ... to me and to her husband but I'm thinking about myself not him ... I'm glad that there are no kids involved in this. The other thing is, you must take responsibility here too, don't put it all on her. You knew she was married, you could have said no to her. Could have seen the ring on her finger and chosen not to involve yourself with someone who is married. She wasn't thinking long term, she was thinking in the heat of the moment and that's why the affair happened and continued. But, she does have the right to wake up and realize what she was doing was wrong...She's done that now and all you can do is respect that and leave her alone. Heal yourself and go no contact. gah now that makes me feel like I'm not a very good person but that's really not how I am ... I'm a decent bloke and I didnt plan on things to happen this way ... Noone ever plans things to happen that way, that's the thing, but it does go that way. When a MM/MW, OW/OM choose to enter into an affair, eventually people get hurt! You aren't a bad person, you've just made afew bad choices. Your MW is selfish and made some pretty bad choices as well. Cheating on her husband and allowing the affair to happen, she is/was in no position to say "I love you", to you. And, you knew going in she was married, so part of consquence of getting involved with a married person is knowing eventually you're gonna get burned. Though your heart couldn't see that coming...
Author I'mSoSad Posted October 17, 2007 Author Posted October 17, 2007 yeah I see what you're saying ... its not only her fault ... but I really thought she liked me and she was in an unhappy marriage ... I dont see why she would want to go back to that ... no contact seems like admitting that its ended ... how do I go about it??? she wont even meet me or talk to me on the phone for any length of time ... I gotta say something about it right ... cant just stop calling and taking calls ... yes she does call me but sometimes doesnt take my calls and sometimes doesnt call even though she has said she would ... I should say that I'm doing it for xxxx reasons and if she wants me she has to do yyyy .... right??? or just disappear totally without saying anything??? I think shes not meeting me or talking to me because the feelings are there but she is afraid of them and of me now ... like she will lose control so she is staying away from me ... it feels horrible thinking that she still loves me but is staying away from me for someone she doesnt love because of whatever ... its horrible ...
reboot Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 What makes you think she doesn't love her husband?
Author I'mSoSad Posted October 17, 2007 Author Posted October 17, 2007 What makes you think she doesn't love her husband? thats the impression that I got from what we talked and what happened with us ... can make out when a woman loves her husband or only feels duty for him ... though I assumed she didnt because why would she be with me otherwise ... I mean what is love if there is no passion for a person if there is no feelings??? I never asked her to her face but thats the impression I got ... now that I think about it maybe I was wrong I dunno I'm all messed up right now ... your questions are making me crazy ...
whichwayisup Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 I dont see why she would want to go back to that ... Because they have a history together! Family and friends entwined. They have built a life together. What is so hard to understand about that? Your MW led you to believe that her marriage truly sucked! Honestly? I think her marriage isn't as bad as she made it out to be. Her husband probably wasn't meeting ALL her needs, she was lonely, and then you came along and made her feel good. You met those needs, as well as sharing passion and crush-like feelings with her. What woman/man wouldn't enjoy that? The problem is, that is NOT love and definately is totally inappropriate behaviour for someone who is married. She selfishly led you on making you feel like you had a chance, when infact, she never had any intention of ending her marriage, let alone ending it to be with you. Sorry to be harsh, but you need to hear this stuff. Bottomline - She is a married woman and isn't available. THIS is how you MUST look at it now.
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